Tayken Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 That is are you attracted to and will be willing to go all in with someone that has been divorced more than once? It will definitely be a huge red flag for me, and won't delude myself that am the White knight that will change the cycle. What about you?
CarrieT Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Meh - everyone divorces for different reasons and those mitigating circumstances can tell a lot about a person. I was married at 20 and divorced at 25 (my husband turned out to be gay). Instead of marrying again, I had a handful of long-term relationships that *could* have been marriages. At almost 50, I met my White Knight who had three divorces behind him. Once I got to know him and the circumstances surrounding those divorces, all the red flags became green ones and a marriage ensued - when both of us had independently thought neither of us would ever marry again. People DO change and if I had not given the benefit of the doubt, I would not find myself in such a lovely and happy situation. 2
ktya Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Id take them at face value. I just wouldnt marry her for at least a few years after getting serious.
Danda Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I don't really understand the concept of modern marriage so I don't really have any desire to get married. If anything if I was dating a guy who had been divorced multiple times, I'd just be like.. "Yep, it's a bad idea, let's not do that." At this point in my life I'm just fairly convinced that it's natural for people to grow/change throughout their lives, and that as a result lovers can and often do drift apart. It would probably be healthier for people to embrace this (when it happens) in a mature and respectful manner and part on good terms. But when people perceive the end of a relationship as a "failure" then it gets emotionally messy. However I have known some couples who have been together for a really long time and are still happy. Perhaps it was because they got together due to the alignments of their very core selves instead of things like hobbies, lifestyles, religion, etc. So maybe they've had that core bond remain strong in spite of any surface-level changes they've gone through over the decades. Idunno though, just speculation. I see them as rare exceptions, though.
salparadise Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I went out with an awesome woman about a year ago. She has two kids at home and she has been divorced twice. The first marriage was when she was very young and lasted only 6 months, the second marriage ended because her husband had an affair and left her for the other woman. So the kids and two divorces made me hesitant. She was interested in me and let it be known, tastefully. She hadn't dated since her divorce a few years ago. I had occasion to interact with her some (work) and the more I was around her the more apparent her awesomeness became... not to mention gorgeous and super intelligent. So I ran into her in the grocery store a few days ago and she said she's been dating someone, and I guess it's serious. She offered to set me up with one of her friends... but what I was really thinking was that I screwed up big time by not seizing the opportunity to date her. What I'm realizing is, the phuking checklist goes out the window when an amazing person walk into the room. If I get another chance with her there will be no hesitation whatsoever. 2
SummerDreams Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Since I realized what I want in life from a partner (which is a serious relationship / marriage and kids) I started looking at possible partners with logic more that emotional views, and I know this may sound too cold but I put my kid's happiness and well being (before even having a kid) above mine so I knew I had to find a guy who would be firstly and mostly a good father and then everything else. This is the reason I would not date a guy whose "situation" would brig possible problems to this goal, for example I would not date an addicted person, a person with kids, a person with many divorces, a person much older or much younger than me etc. I'm not saying that I'm perfect without any "baggage" but I feel that every woman is responsible to offer her kids the best possible father so she should be very careful choosing the best possible man avoiding red flags and listening to her logic rather than her heart. Some people disagree with this saying that it's not fair for a man to be chosen firstly for being a good father cause this may mean that the woman may not be totally in love with him or sexually attracted by him, but that's not the case. A woman can very easily feel crazy about a man who is a good person and possibly will be a great father, and I consider this the best compliment towards a man.
Author Tayken Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 Since I realized what I want in life from a partner (which is a serious relationship / marriage and kids) I started looking at possible partners with logic more that emotional views, and I know this may sound too cold but I put my kid's happiness and well being (before even having a kid) above mine so I knew I had to find a guy who would be firstly and mostly a good father and then everything else. This is the reason I would not date a guy whose "situation" would brig possible problems to this goal, for example I would not date an addicted person, a person with kids, a person with many divorces, a person much older or much younger than me etc. I'm not saying that I'm perfect without any "baggage" but I feel that every woman is responsible to offer her kids the best possible father so she should be very careful choosing the best possible man avoiding red flags and listening to her logic rather than her heart. Some people disagree with this saying that it's not fair for a man to be chosen firstly for being a good father cause this may mean that the woman may not be totally in love with him or sexually attracted by him, but that's not the case. A woman can very easily feel crazy about a man who is a good person and possibly will be a great father, and I consider this the best compliment towards a man. If you have no kids...yes. It will be hypocritical if you did, expecting a single man to take on your kids. I don't think not getting with a person with kids is irrational or selfish, it is the easiest way one can avoid drama i.e. having to deal not only with a new partner, but with their kids. My ex had a toddler daughter when we met and as she grew up and started discovering boys, it became problematic because I wasn't allowed to have a disciplinary role i.e. grounding / the talk / etc because mother became friends with her daughter as opposed to be a parent and have a united front with me when I tell the girl to tidy her room and help out with chores round the house. I personally will never date / be with a female who has multiple kids and especially daughters again ever....reason being that it's bad enough dealing with one emotional female, let alone 2 or 3. Mothers always have this bond with their daughters, that gets in the way of being a proper parent and instead spills over into a friend zone. She hadn't dated since her divorce a few years ago. I had occasion to interact with her some (work) and the more I was around her the more apparent her awesomeness became... not to mention gorgeous and super intelligent. This is what she tells you, and don't forget that someone like this will do anything to make herself marketable, and of course wouldn't tell you if she is the crazy one because why would you want to be with her? For me it is a risk that I wouldn't be willing to take. Also you have 2 ex partners in her life to deal with from the kids she has. 1
littleblackheart Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 If you have no kids...yes. It will be hypocritical if you did, expecting a single man to take on your kids. I don't think not getting with a person with kids is irrational or selfish, it is the easiest way one can avoid drama i.e. having to deal not only with a new partner, but with their kids. My ex had a toddler daughter when we met and as she grew up and started discovering boys, it became problematic because I wasn't allowed to have a disciplinary role i.e. grounding / the talk / etc because mother became friends with her daughter as opposed to be a parent and have a united front with me when I tell the girl to tidy her room and help out with chores round the house. I personally will never date / be with a female who has multiple kids and especially daughters again ever....reason being that it's bad enough dealing with one emotional female, let alone 2 or 3. Mothers always have this bond with their daughters, that gets in the way of being a proper parent and instead spills over into a friend zone. This is what she tells you, and don't forget that someone like this will do anything to make herself marketable, and of course wouldn't tell you if she is the crazy one because why would you want to be with her? For me it is a risk that I wouldn't be willing to take. Also you have 2 ex partners in her life to deal with from the kids she has. So you have children but you don't want to be with someone who does? Don't get me wrong, I have no particular issue with it either way - that's your preference and that's fine. It's just that I have a bit of trouble understanding your rationale: your reasoning should be applicable to those single women with no children would, by entering a relationship with you, would also have to deal with your own kids / ex drama, no? Or am I missing something?
Author Tayken Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 So you have children but you don't want to be with someone who does? Don't get me wrong, I have no particular issue with it either way - that's your preference and that's fine. It's just that I have a bit of trouble understanding your rationale: your reasoning should be applicable to those single women with no children would, by entering a relationship with you, would also have to deal with your own kids / ex drama, no? Or am I missing something? Yes you are "missing something here" I have a child....Singular. Read my post again for some clarity because it might just make sense second time around. Additionally, I mentioned that I wouldn't date / end up with a female that has a daughter again (been there done that), as the chances of them letting you in completely is lower compared to if it was a boy. I also know a lot of men that are with single mothers that have daughters, and they are forever complaining about drama, and having to deal not only with the emotions of the female, but that of the daughters from boyfriend drama and other teenage bullying and nonsense. Oh...my ex was also with someone for a long time and had her daughter with him before I came along. I was a single man with no kids. See the difference here now and my experience? Multiple = more than once 1
elaine567 Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I don't think not getting with a person with kids is irrational or selfish, it is the easiest way one can avoid drama i.e. having to deal not only with a new partner, but with their kids. Realisitically being of a certain age, the women you meet who are going to be interested in a divorced dad, are going to have been round the block. Is a woman who has had 3 big LTRs or multiple shorter term relationships any different from one who happened to marry the 2-3 guys she got involved with? Some women collect rings and get married, other women don't. Unless your sights are on a virgin, then past relationships will always yield exes, married or not. I think instead of placing barriers up for yourself and throwing insults at certain types of women, I think you would be better looking for red flags on individual women. A SAHM deserted single mother with kids may not be a "user", she may be practical and sensible too, but the intelligent, career women with no kids, you crave, may be a user extraordinaire and crazy to boot... IMO it will be better for you if you stopped shoving people into boxes and dismissing them out of hand. You need to work on yourself, so that you can spot the real users and not just rely on labels and arbitary boxes to do that for you. 1
littleblackheart Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Yes you are "missing something here" I have a child....Singular. Read my post again for some clarity because it might just make sense second time around. Additionally, I mentioned that I wouldn't date / end up with a female that has a daughter again (been there done that), as the chances of them letting you in completely is lower compared to if it was a boy. I also know a lot of men that are with single mothers that have daughters, and they are forever complaining about drama, and having to deal not only with the emotions of the female, but that of the daughters from boyfriend drama and other teenage bullying and nonsense. Oh...my ex was also with someone for a long time and had her daughter with him before I came along. I was a single man with no kids. See the difference here now and my experience? Multiple = more than once Still makes no sense to me, but whatever floats your boat I guess. Good luck all the same finding an independent, educated single woman with either no kids or at the very least no daughters (boys are considered, right? or at least one - bizarre) who will be happy with a divorced father of one boy holding the views you have on women; you really need to understand that your ex doesn't singlehandedly represent all women, it's doing you do favours at all. 1
Radu Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 (edited) No freaking way ! At my age, once would the most i would go with. And the kid thing would definitely complicate thing. The truth is that you have to become some level of figure of authority in the kid's life but not by forcing the hand, but by leading ... and for that you need the mother's help and hopefully a bio-dad that is not an ass; very hard to get all the stars to align right on this one. Edited December 28, 2014 by Radu
d0nnivain Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 It would definitely be a caution flag for me. However, my cousin was twice divorced. I think he's an amazing guy. Also his 2nd marriage should never have happened so I guess I discount that one. A dear friend of mine became somebody's 4th wife 15 years ago. I didn't give that relationship 15 months at the time but they still seem happy so it's possible.
Author Tayken Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 Realisitically being of a certain age, the women you meet who are going to be interested in a divorced dad, are going to have been round the block. Is a woman who has had 3 big LTRs or multiple shorter term relationships any different from one who happened to marry the 2-3 guys she got involved with? Some women collect rings and get married, other women don't. Unless your sights are on a virgin, then past relationships will always yield exes, married or not. I think instead of placing barriers up for yourself and throwing insults at certain types of women, I think you would be better looking for red flags on individual women. A SAHM deserted single mother with kids may not be a "user", she may be practical and sensible too, but the intelligent, career women with no kids, you crave, may be a user extraordinaire and crazy to boot... IMO it will be better for you if you stopped shoving people into boxes and dismissing them out of hand. You need to work on yourself, so that you can spot the real users and not just rely on labels and arbitary boxes to do that for you. Bold 1: I think my take on men dating younger women are well known on here, so that sort of crosses out your point Bold 2: I do have my list of flags (yellow and red), and what is insult to you, is fact to others. I don't sugar coat at all, call it as I see it is how I am. Bold 3: Only that a SAHM can be damaging to all men when it comes to family court. She will be able to get legal aid to cover legal fees, hence lawyers will be prepared to go the length for her. Intelligent / career woman on the other hand might not cost you a dime in alimony as she will be able to fend for herself. The truth is when it comes to family courts, the Govt plays a game of tag, and guess what you are it if you are the highest earner.
Author Tayken Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 Still makes no sense to me, but whatever floats your boat I guess. Good luck all the same finding an independent, educated single woman with either no kids or at the very least no daughters (boys are considered, right? or at least one - bizarre) who will be happy with a divorced father of one boy holding the views you have on women; you really need to understand that your ex doesn't singlehandedly represent all women, it's doing you do favours at all. Females bring drama and am speaking from experience having been in the place of step dad to a daughter. I also see the same happening with most men I know that have shacked up with a female with daughters. Here is my rationale...if she has a boy, she is more likely to let you in because it's a boy and the thinking that you can help mentor / act as role model. When it is a girl, you are shut out. Don't twist my words...I happen to know that NOT all females are equal. Some are smarter / have great work ethics / trustworthy / not liars / believe in mutual respect / are not selfish than others....this is the type of female I seek. See the difference here?
littleblackheart Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Females bring drama and am speaking from experience having been in the place of step dad to a daughter. I also see the same happening with most men I know that have shacked up with a female with daughters. Here is my rationale...if she has a boy, she is more likely to let you in because it's a boy and the thinking that you can help mentor / act as role model. When it is a girl, you are shut out. Don't twist my words...I happen to know that NOT all females are equal. Some are smarter / have great work ethics / trustworthy / not liars / believe in mutual respect / are not selfish than others....this is the type of female I seek. See the difference here? Sure... Whatever makes you happy I guess.
Author Tayken Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 Sure... Whatever makes you happy I guess. Innit.....reality as opposed to Utopia
elaine567 Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Bold 1: I think my take on men dating younger women are well known on here, so that sort of crosses out your point Sorry, are you some sort of celebrity on here? How would I know what your take on men dating younger women is... 4
MissBee Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 (edited) Sorry, are you some sort of celebrity on here? How would I know what your take on men dating younger women is... To the question: I would be leery. I can't say I wouldn't be. Even in dating I find that I'm pretty choosy about who I become exclusive with, I've yet to marry any of them so find it difficult to understand feeling that that many people are "it" enough to get married 3,4 times. I feel like my sense of "it" and recognizing "it" would change after 2 failed marriages so I'd be a lot more cautious going forward so can't understand being unfazed 2 more times or more in going forward. I genuinely cannot imagine meeting that many men I want to marry after dating them and considering things seriously. The whole point of dating for me is to eventually find someone whose core values are similar to my own and that will probably include how they choose relationships. I don't see myself marrying and divorcing multiple times, once maybe but given that I'm very cautious in dating itself and don't fall in love at the drop of a hat can't see myself mistakenly marrying multiple times. I also don't see myself being with a man who has. Age also plays a role, I suppose the younger you are the more impulsive it seems if you've been married multiple times as they had to have been short marriages in succession. I have an ex who has been married twice and he's not 35 yet. If he divorced and married again I wouldn't be shocked but I consider him very fickle in terms of how he chooses relationships so don't hold him as a model, and that also influences how I view it. But if I was smitten I'd want to find out why and if he learned anything but chances are if you've married 3 times or more your approach to marrying is probably a little more open than mine. Edited December 28, 2014 by MissBee 1
Author Tayken Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 Sorry, are you some sort of celebrity on here? I don't know...you tell me since you brought up. I guess I must be in your eyes since it crossed your mind
cocorico Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I'd do my research to find out why, first. I had a starter marriage some decades back. I'm remarried now, to a man who has been married before. We both feel we learned a great deal - about ourselves, and about relationships - from living through bad marriages, and we both feel we are able to be better partners as a result. If it were several divorces, I'd expect that either they'd learned the secret of Life itself by now - or they'd learned nothig at all. In the first case, I wouldn't reject the possibility out of hand, though I'd be interested in what, how and why they learned what they did, and how that affects their relating now. In the second case, I'd shrug and move on. I'm not a welfare state.
Author Tayken Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 I'd do my research to find out why, first. I had a starter marriage some decades back. I'm remarried now, to a man who has been married before. We both feel we learned a great deal - about ourselves, and about relationships - from living through bad marriages, and we both feel we are able to be better partners as a result. If it were several divorces, I'd expect that either they'd learned the secret of Life itself by now - or they'd learned nothig at all. In the first case, I wouldn't reject the possibility out of hand, though I'd be interested in what, how and why they learned what they did, and how that affects their relating now. In the second case, I'd shrug and move on. I'm not a welfare state. Good to hear that you and your partner are happy after having both been through divorces. Unfortunately, this is just the exception to the myriad of additional marriages / blended families out there that fail. A person will only tell you what they want you to know about their past relationships, you have no way of validating this. I don't think anyone who is a lunatic / selfish person / self centered / leech, will actually tell a new potential partner that they are just this...flags from the more than one marriage, will be enough to put me off. As for the welfare state, some are just that and have no qualms being so.
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