newlyborn Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 the men you are dating are desperate (and have big, precious egos). this has happened to me, and it is always with men with issues. people who have rich, full, joyous lives worthy of being shared take their time. they are busy and have too much to lose otherwise! only those who want to be "rescued" in some way or thrive off of the life energy of others behave like they are in a relationship with someone they don't know. my advice: try a different demographic. date men from different parts of your life. or meet men in different ways than you have been. 1
Diezel Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 The older I got, the more resistant I became in trying to seek initial commitment. I've almost always never brought it up first. In fact, only once did I actually ask for it and got burned terribly. There's something you are attracting about these men. I'll infer that you are a pretty attractive woman and that's why the "lock it down" mentality happens. I don't know if you are dating down or at your level, but that can also have an effect on the men you are going out with. Either way, as a men resistant to a firm, quick commitment, I'd love a woman who was up front with her expectations and not trying to "lock me down" right away. I have sufficient confidence to not worry whether you'd be dating several men, simply because in this day and age, it almost has to be assumed. I hate the way things have become, but sometimes you have to play the game up into a certain extent. I will say this, if you take a year to engage in sex, you'll also be wasting so much time and have guys who would take you seriously will just walk away. It's not worth that kind of a wait. And stop adding guys you are "dating" on Facebook. Why do people do this? It's an unwanted source of agony and anguish in the long run. 1
Teraskas Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 (edited) Right here. This is where I have a problem. We don't want to be one of many. We don't want to be jerked around, wondering if you're sincere or just dicking us. We don't like playing games in our head, constantly questioning if we are good enough for you. You say they have big egos. No, they have feelings. We're human too. Some of us don't think its fair that we give you our time on Tues only to see it wasted because you took another guys time on Wed. This who situation wouldn't be so complicated if you took OLD, shoved it through a grinder and scattered it in a million pieces. Isn't ironic, how the girl I'm "sort" of seeing now has no issues telling me she is honest and genuine and is guarded because guys have cheated on her, only to feel "freaked out" because I expressed my feelings on exclusively dating her? Isn't it ironic, that the guys that want commitment, are the ones woman shun only to turn around and end up with lying pricks? Isn't it ironic that woman now feel like "girlfriend" is this terrible label, instead of seeing it as "stick with me and I'll treat you right?" Isn't ironic that you're here now, on this forum, because you have an issue with commitment? I agree wholeheartedly with Trenton on this. For some weird, incomprehensible reason...it seems like these kind of women are the ONLY ones whom I constantly run into. It's exhausting as hell, similar to an uphill battle against the never ending slew of generalisations when one is NOT like 99% of all the men such a woman has encountered. It's happend as well to me...got rejected once because of that because she said it was 'too good to be true'. Talk about paranoid, heh. Edited December 28, 2014 by Teraskas 1
Trenton100 Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 the men you are dating are desperate (and have big, precious egos). this has happened to me, and it is always with men with issues. people who have rich, full, joyous lives worthy of being shared take their time. they are busy and have too much to lose otherwise! only those who want to be "rescued" in some way or thrive off of the life energy of others behave like they are in a relationship with someone they don't know. my advice: try a different demographic. date men from different parts of your life. or meet men in different ways than you have been. Everyone has issues don't kid yourself. You have issues, I have issues. That entire line of "rich, joyous lives" is a ton of crap. Guys with that kind of life would typically already have someone. What you just did was make a contradictory post. So people who are "desperate" have egos? That doesn't make sense.
ponchsox Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 So red roses on the first date is a bit much?
Trenton100 Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Trenton, you can tell a lot about a person via FB, just like you did here. But you chose to invest rather than heed the signs. Next time, pay attention. Not as many women are attention whores. I give everyone I come into contact with the benefit of the doubt. That's how I roll because I'm not perfect either. I tell you what, this morning I deactivated my FB account. That's one problem solved right there. I no longer want anything to do with it. I'm setting my standards. I understand it is a different time but in my book, my time was better so my time is what people are either going to have to take or leave. I don't know what's going to happen with this girl but if she wants to talk, she calls. Period. No more texting conversations. No more selfies. No more fu%king Facebook. My ex-wife (we are best friends) suggested I simply meet someone outside of the internet and she's right. This has been my issue all along. Besides, I'm IT and I see enough of computers and phones anyway.
Satu Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I think you are progressing to sex too quickly. Do you realise how big a step that is? 1
nofeelings22 Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Be firm! Tell them right up front you do not form any type of commitment with anyone easily. That you are dating. That you do not get into relationships easily. Then, if they are not listening, YOU get agressive and tell them to back off if they want to see you. 1
MissBee Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 The type of men I attract want a commitment from me right away. It's only been like this since I turned 27. Now I'm in my early 30s, and it's still the same. The men I attract have big egos, and they do not want to be one of "many". They want to lead the relationship and set the pace, which is usually faster than mine. They want me to take the girlfriend role on like 2 days into the relationship. I like to take things slow, even after sex. This always makes them mad. They turn passive aggressive, then aggressive, and then I am clueless as to what to do. This has happened more than a few times. It always ends in hurt feelings. It has happened with 5 different guys. They think I'm playing games, when in fact I'm just undecided about them. They get genuinely pissed and a few want nothing to do with me. It's frustrating enough that the only solution I can think of is to not have sex with a man unless I am genuinely seeing him as someone I could be with, which could take a long time. Any other ideas? Be frank about what you are looking for and not looking for at the very outset so that these men can choose if they are down for it or not. Doesn't sound like these men want commitment so much as you seem to be attracted to and attract jealous, possessive men who before even knowing you want to control your life. This is very different than dating a man who has a healthy mindset and wants to get to know you and commit. I want to be with a man who wants a commitment, but steer clear off men who begin making demands early on and try to rush and express possessiveness. Clearly, this turned into aggression on their part later, which reveals that this isn't about commitment but control and when they can't get it they get aggressive. You have to really figure out why you attract such controlling men who turn abusive as this isn't the same as meeting men who want commitment. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 In the future if a woman claims she is looking for love / relationship and then starts blowing up your inbox with naked photos and whatnot, recognize her dysfunction for what it is and move on. Instead of naked photos, what if the woman just "blows up" your mobile phone with text messages and phone calls. Is that love-bombing too? I'm 35 and have dated guys ranging from 22 to over 40, and I honestly have to say that the younger ones have surprised me by being more serious about relationships in general. The ones my age or older seemed to be more interested in reliving a second adolescence. Have you considered this is cyclical? Let me explain. The older men you encountered, were probably serious about relationships when they themselves were younger. They probably got into one long or a few longish serious relationships. Now they are older, they think they wasted their youth on being serious when they should have been playing around. So now they are looking to have fun, which unfortunately means lying and playing women. The young men that you encounter now, will probably fall into the same cycle years from now. Just something to consider. I'm actually starting to wonder if Facebook isn't one of the worst things to happen to us as people. There's so much second guessing, stalking, etc when it comes to this. Facebook, and many other forms of social media, are not conducive for a healthy relationship. I am blessed (at least that is what I consider myself) that I never hopped on the Facebook bandwagon. Not even buckled under pressure by friends or girls I dated. I stood my ground. Also, because of not having a Facebook account, I will never be able to access Tinder. Yes, Tinder requires Facebook. Coincidence?
Author Vuuduu Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 The older I got, the more resistant I became in trying to seek initial commitment. I've almost always never brought it up first. In fact, only once did I actually ask for it and got burned terribly. There's something you are attracting about these men. I'll infer that you are a pretty attractive woman and that's why the "lock it down" mentality happens. I don't know if you are dating down or at your level, but that can also have an effect on the men you are going out with. Either way, as a men resistant to a firm, quick commitment, I'd love a woman who was up front with her expectations and not trying to "lock me down" right away. I have sufficient confidence to not worry whether you'd be dating several men, simply because in this day and age, it almost has to be assumed. I hate the way things have become, but sometimes you have to play the game up into a certain extent. I will say this, if you take a year to engage in sex, you'll also be wasting so much time and have guys who would take you seriously will just walk away. It's not worth that kind of a wait. And stop adding guys you are "dating" on Facebook. Why do people do this? It's an unwanted source of agony and anguish in the long run. Yes, a lot of people say I'm very attractive. Some guys were equally attractive in my eyes. But a couple were definitely less attractive. The only time that happens is its a "friend" who been playing the "friend"....waiting for me to become vulnerable...so he can move in.
Author Vuuduu Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 I think you are progressing to sex too quickly. Do you realise how big a step that is? I don't actually. I have to trust someone to do that. I don't judge others for how, when or who they have sex with. I feel that it's up to everyone to decide for themselves. What may be a big step to you is not the same for everyone. But what I have is....even if I am exclusively dating a guy....and only seeing him and sleeping with him....even if he himself is attractive and desirable...if I am not blowing up his phone....and if I take ANY time for myself....if I show ANY signs of dis-interest...if I basically just behave like a normal woman...the guy gets all manners of insecure...thinks I'm playing games...thinks I don't care...they want total devotion...total commitment like we are married. At least that's how I see it.
GemmaUK Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I don't actually. I have to trust someone to do that. I don't judge others for how, when or who they have sex with. I feel that it's up to everyone to decide for themselves. What may be a big step to you is not the same for everyone. But what I have is....even if I am exclusively dating a guy....and only seeing him and sleeping with him....even if he himself is attractive and desirable...if I am not blowing up his phone....and if I take ANY time for myself....if I show ANY signs of dis-interest...if I basically just behave like a normal woman...the guy gets all manners of insecure...thinks I'm playing games...thinks I don't care...they want total devotion...total commitment like we are married. At least that's how I see it. Exactly the same has been happening to me also. The intensity has put me off going on dates or even getting to know new guys. The last guy who was like this was controlling and emotionally abusive - or at least he attempted to be. I didn't give in to it. I think the RS would have been less stressful if I had just tried to go along with it. I've had a read of the love bombing and narcissism that another poster brought up and much as I don't like/want to try to diagnose as I am just a normal woman there's too much prevalent about the last guy for him not to have been a narc. 1
Maleficent Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I don't actually. I have to trust someone to do that. I don't judge others for how, when or who they have sex with. I feel that it's up to everyone to decide for themselves. What may be a big step to you is not the same for everyone. But what I have is....even if I am exclusively dating a guy....and only seeing him and sleeping with him....even if he himself is attractive and desirable...if I am not blowing up his phone....and if I take ANY time for myself....if I show ANY signs of dis-interest...if I basically just behave like a normal woman...the guy gets all manners of insecure...thinks I'm playing games...thinks I don't care...they want total devotion...total commitment like we are married. At least that's how I see it. I'm just playing devil's advocate here and assuming some stuff here so correct me if I'm wrong... You aren't pushing for sex and you mentioned not necessarily sleeping with those men after two days. So I'm going to assume you've had a few dates, hung out at their place, made out, had sex and probably slept over over the span of what...two weeks? maybe three? I think in this case, it's a little normal for some men to assume you are their girlfriend now - especially if they know you are dating only them... As much as people seem to think they aren't in a relationship until they've had 'the talk' that's not always how it goes in real life. Anyhow as it was mentioned before, perhaps you need to be clearer about your intentions right off the start... 1
autumnnight Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I think you are progressing to sex too quickly. Do you realise how big a step that is? THIS, and it seems to be the modern dating rule or something. Maybe I'm just an old prude, but I cannot fathom getting naked with someone I'm not already committed to, and to be sex is the ultimate sign of exclusivity. This idea that sex is just a casual part of the date, and next week I'll do it with someone else makes me sad. 1
GemmaUK Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I'm just playing devil's advocate here and assuming some stuff here so correct me if I'm wrong... You aren't pushing for sex and you mentioned not necessarily sleeping with those men after two days. So I'm going to assume you've had a few dates, hung out at their place, made out, had sex and probably slept over over the span of what...two weeks? maybe three? I think in this case, it's a little normal for some men to assume you are their girlfriend now - especially if they know you are dating only them... As much as people seem to think they aren't in a relationship until they've had 'the talk' that's not always how it goes in real life. Anyhow as it was mentioned before, perhaps you need to be clearer about your intentions right off the start... Apologies as I know you are addressing the OP here... The above sounds pretty normal (if a bit soon on intimacy for me) for the beginnings of a RS. I have never had 'the talk'. I don't expect to have to let someone know what I am doing every moment of the day if I have only been on one or two dates though - and this is what transpires usually. I have however stated clearly that I don't rush things and also have had to deter men who only met me once and having stated I wasn't interested they assume a RS is happening or will happen.
Maleficent Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Apologies as I know you are addressing the OP here... The above sounds pretty normal (if a bit soon on intimacy for me) for the beginnings of a RS. I have never had 'the talk'. I don't expect to have to let someone know what I am doing every moment of the day if I have only been on one or two dates though - and this is what transpires usually. I have however stated clearly that I don't rush things and also have had to deter men who only met me once and having stated I wasn't interested they assume a RS is happening or will happen. No worries and I get it. I have a funny story about a man who wanted to buy me a toothbrush for his place after our first meeting. It just seems that every time someone mentioned her having sex 'too soon' she was quick to reply how not so quick she is at having sex so I can't help but wonder how long she's been dating and sleeping with these men. It's one thing to assume you're in a relationship after two dates and one week, it's another to assume you're in a relationship with someone you've been exclusively dating and sleeping with for one month... Just trying to get all the info here.
ktya Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I agree with Kmoney85 that maybe you should be upfront with your expectations when you start dating a guy.You've mentioned that this has happened with 5 guys,so there's a consistency with this that is not going in your favor. As you also stated,maybe you should hold out on sex. Not saying that you are,but maybe you're giving yourself away too soon which can possibly send mix signals to the guy. You could also be playing mind games with the guy(s).For an example wanting to spend time with him a lot then you go missing for days, then you come back around again. They may feel like you're their puppeteer which causes them to get frustrated or upset.So the best thing to do is let the guy know upfront if you just want to date for a while,no commitment, etc. This. Ive had a couple women in my life act like they want to be exclusive, have sex with me or not, and when i start trying to line up weekly dates they spook out and disappear, leaving me hanging as to wtf happened, only to reappear, ad nausem. Making it even more frustrating is i tell them im not looking even for a girlfriend but if it went that way and worked i wouldnt say no just to say no. OP, its probably how you handle your dates and carry yourself. Try this: pay your own way, split dates. If you have sex leave before sleep or in the morning after coffee and maybe a shower. Nix the i love yous. Make commentary from time to time that its nice to have found someone who just wants to hang out, live in the moment and not be all worried about exclusivity or a relationship. Make your own way to dates, and make your own way home. Decline overly romantic dates kindly, and suggest a more informal setting like a pub instead. Choose hard liquor or beer over wine. If you let a guy pay, wine and dine you, snuggle, and turn up the romance hes going to get the wrong idea. Ditto if you spend several days in a row with him nonstop. Very few guys would reject a cool girl who puts out who doesnt want.exclusivity in a couple days. Most guys would consider that a dream date. Mind your signals, and if your really stumped just ask one of the guys why they want a relationship with you so bad. It could also just be that your rip roaring hottie, and they want to lock you down. If so,try dressing down.
salparadise Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 The type of men I attract want a commitment from me right away. The men I attract have big egos, and they do not want to be one of "many". I understand their perspective completely. They're relationship oriented and you're just playing the field. You should just be dating the hit it and quit it types, or at least be upfront about just wanting casual sex and no commitment. I wouldn't be interested in a woman who is dating/sleeping with multiple men at once either. I don't think it's about ego so much as them not wanting to be used as a human dildo, or taking you out on nice dates, treating you like a lady, and then all you're offering in return is sloppy seconds. It always ends in hurt feelings. It has happened with 5 different guys. They think I'm playing games, when in fact I'm just undecided about them. They get genuinely pissed and a few want nothing to do with me. It you're completely upfront about what you intend to do and they still get pissed then it's their problem. But if you're letting them believe that you're actually interested, encouraging them to them invest in you, yea pissed and wanting nothing more to do with you would be a predictable outcome. It's frustrating enough that the only solution I can think of is to not have sex with a man unless I am genuinely seeing him as someone I could be with Now there's a novel idea! What you're complaining about is not being able to have a bevy of relationship oriented guys pursuing you relentlessly, treating you like a queen, but just accepting that you're fʯcking several different guys a week. They call that wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Not likely to happen. Just date players, and be sure to mention that you're a player too, and let the relationship guys invest where their attentions will be appreciated. 1
Author Vuuduu Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 I understand their perspective completely. They're relationship oriented and you're just playing the field. You should just be dating the hit it and quit it types, or at least be upfront about just wanting casual sex and no commitment. I wouldn't be interested in a woman who is dating/sleeping with multiple men at once either. I don't think it's about ego so much as them not wanting to be used as a human dildo, or taking you out on nice dates, treating you like a lady, and then all you're offering in return is sloppy seconds. It you're completely upfront about what you intend to do and they still get pissed then it's their problem. But if you're letting them believe that you're actually interested, encouraging them to them invest in you, yea pissed and wanting nothing more to do with you would be a predictable outcome. Now there's a novel idea! What you're complaining about is not being able to have a bevy of relationship oriented guys pursuing you relentlessly, treating you like a queen, but just accepting that you're fʯcking several different guys a week. They call that wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Not likely to happen. Just date players, and be sure to mention that you're a player too, and let the relationship guys invest where their attentions will be appreciated. Please. It is perfectly normal and acceptable to date more than one person if you are SINGLE. This is what normal people do who have options. If you take sex out of the equation, it isn't much different than being "courted" like so many generations ago. I'm not easily intimidated, on here or in real life. Not at all. I know who I am. Nobody is going to shame me. Nobody here is perfect. Nobody here has it all figured out. Please. Try again. No I do not sleep with all of them or sleep with new guys, string them along or anything like that. If I'm not attracting hit it and quit it types, then why would I go looking for these types? I'm not looking for no strings sex. I do like relationships. I have no bad intentions. If someone is taking me out on dates, and gets mad because things aren't progressing...then it wasn't genuine anyway. I don't owe someone because he chose to take me out.
autumnnight Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 In that case I'd just tell them that you like to really get to know someone and take things slowly before you declare it a relationship. Tell them you think people need to keep some independence and sense of self and don't like being smothered. 1
Author Vuuduu Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 Exactly the same has been happening to me also. The intensity has put me off going on dates or even getting to know new guys. The last guy who was like this was controlling and emotionally abusive - or at least he attempted to be. I didn't give in to it. I think the RS would have been less stressful if I had just tried to go along with it. I've had a read of the love bombing and narcissism that another poster brought up and much as I don't like/want to try to diagnose as I am just a normal woman there's too much prevalent about the last guy for him not to have been a narc. Bad enough to stop you from dating? But I could see that. I'm taking a timeout just to reassess and make myself happy.
Author Vuuduu Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 No worries and I get it. I have a funny story about a man who wanted to buy me a toothbrush for his place after our first meeting. It just seems that every time someone mentioned her having sex 'too soon' she was quick to reply how not so quick she is at having sex so I can't help but wonder how long she's been dating and sleeping with these men. It's one thing to assume you're in a relationship after two dates and one week, it's another to assume you're in a relationship with someone you've been exclusively dating and sleeping with for one month... Just trying to get all the info here. There was someone. I fell for him a few years ago. I really liked him. We dated for a few months, but he felt smothered by me. He wanted his freedom. So I accepted that. He did something that hurt me really bad. I ended up just letting the whole thing go and moving on. After awhile, I hardly thought about him. I was enjoying life, dating, hanging with friends. He later returned. He wanted to try again. I told him no. I was reluctant. But he persisted for months. I let up after awhile. I was willing to date him casually. But not willing to go all in. I wasn't going in all starry-eyed like before. I'm seeing this man as he really is. There are no rose-colored glasses anymore. I've seen his dark side. When I date, it's not that I'm trying to be a player. I'm just more realistic about people. I know that a person will always present his best self, his mask. Soemtimes they will present that mask for months. My attitude became: just because we are sleeping together/going on dates/cuddling at night, doesn't mean we are together. Now I'm willing to change a few things. As for that guy, he is still somewhat in the picture, but showing a lot of insecurity. I decided what I'll do about that situation.
Maleficent Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 When I date, it's not that I'm trying to be a player. I'm just more realistic about people. I know that a person will always present his best self, his mask. Soemtimes they will present that mask for months. My attitude became: just because we are sleeping together/going on dates/cuddling at night, doesn't mean we are together. No one is implying that you are trying to be a player (at least I'm not). I'm amazed at how people do not communicate. While you feel sleeping with someone/going on dates/cuddling at night are no indications of a relationship, some people think it is. As far as I'm concerned, you are just as responsible for making your intentions clear as your 'dates' are responsible for making sure they know your intentions without assuming stuff. You are dealing with people and people get hurt. The best you can do is keep your conscience clear and make your intentions clear - whatever they are (general you) 1
Els Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 You really have two options here: 1) Stop sleeping with and cuddling men whom you're not sure you want to be in a relationship with so you don't give them wrong signals. 2) If you absolutely must have sex on the 2nd date, then explicitly tell them it doesn't mean anything. Put everything out in the open. If you're not open to either option then I'm not sure why you're complaining about the guys. It's on you for not making your intentions clear IMO. I'd say the same thing to a guy in your position. 1
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