Men Wanting Total Commitment

[Vuuduu]

Well, if you don't like your own good advice staring up at you in the face, maybe you'll get better advice from somewhere else.

 

I've received some helpful tips on this thread, thanks. Not worried about someone else's misplaced aggression.

[Danda]

"Everything about you gets me."

 

"God you're so cute"

 

(selfie taken in underwear. selfie taken laying in bed nude.)

 

"I love the fact you're so open and honest"

 

(deletes all OLD profiles)

 

So, exactly why would I have such unreal expectations?

 

Go ahead, I have time...

 

Sounds like both you and the OP are attracting and/or pursuing "love bomber" types - people who are in love with the idea of being in love. Basically.

 

I think male love bombers tend to love bomb emotionally, since they often perceive (correctly or not) that women are all about emotion and commitment. Being in love with the idea of being in love, they try to rush really fast into whatever they think women want, seemingly in the subconscious effort to force an experience that can only happen naturally over time.

 

I think female love bombers, on the other hand, tend to love bomb in an erotic manner, since they often perceive (correctly or not) that men are all about sex and ego-stroking. Being in love with the idea of being in love, they try to rush really fast into whatever they think men want, seemingly in the subconscious effort to force an experience that can only happen naturally over time.

 

It really is the same damn thing, just tailored slightly differently in approach based on gender stereotypes.

 

If a man is pushing for commitment on the second date, chances are that his feelings are not genuine, and he is either deluding himself unaware or deliberately trying to manipulate.

 

If a woman is fawning over how sexy you are and deleting her dating profiles super early on, chances are that her attraction and feelings are not genuine and she is just enjoying the rush/thrill of 'love at first sight' nonsense, either subconsciously or deliberately.

 

And again the only difference is the particular love bombing technique, based on gender stereotypes. Male love bombers often try to use false emotional intensity and commitment, and female love bombers often try to make their male target feel like a sex god.

 

In either case it usually winds up being a train wreck. So if you don't get sucked in or they drop off the face of the earth once the moment is over, count yourself lucky that you got off the train before it shot off the cliff.

[Vuuduu]

I'd say that it's an age thing. People of that age usually want to settle down and are probably rushing to start a family. But what do I know, I'm quite a few years away from being in that position...

 

I do think age is a factor, because when I was in my early 20s relationships felt easier. It flowed naturally. I have tried to recapture that and apply it to my current dating life, so I wouldn't feel so pressured, but it has more consequences now. People have expectations.

[toscaroscura]

I dated a male love bomber once. We dated for a few months. Told me I was the One, he loved me, no woman was like me, I've changed his worldview, etc.

 

He was amazing at making that connection feel REAL. But my instincts started kicking in, I saw some red flags (controlling behaviors, moodiness, possessiveness, etc) and I ended up breaking up with him. He begged for me back, crying about how I was the only One and how in love he was with me.

 

I sh*t you not, not 3 weeks go by and he's engaged to another girl. Two weeks after that, they were married.

 

I feel like God must have slapped me upside the head and I am SO grateful for the bullet dodged.

 

This behavior is NOT normal.

[Vuuduu]

So tell them upfront that they have big egos -- how presumptuous of them, not wanting to be one of "many" even when it comes to sex, which you give them after what -- you mentioned two days -- is that it? -- and then you expect to disappear for days at a time -- set them straight from the get-go, and I think you'll have less of a problem with these awful types pursuing you.

 

You have issues. I never said I had sex after 2 days. Even if I did, what's it to you?

[Trenton100]

Almost every guy I know has at least one or two women who would love to be with him. But instead of going for that woman who clearly loves him, they chase after the girls with the seductive selfies.

 

Now if you're in the minorty of men that has never had a woman want to be with him, then I guess I'm in the wrong.

 

But if you have had that girl that's really into you, but you choose to seek out someone better, based on her appearance or her cute Instagram pics, well what do you expect?

 

Umm...where do I mention anything about seeking out another girl based on looks?

[SomeDude16]

I do think age is a factor, because when I was in my early 20s relationships felt easier. It flowed naturally. I have tried to recapture that and apply it to my current dating life, so I wouldn't feel so pressured, but it has more consequences now. People have expectations.

 

Where are you meeting these guys exactly? If you don't mind me asking...

[Danda]

No. I'm talking about what they do to me.

 

Please take my love bomber suggestion to heart, even go do some research on it perhaps. There are more articles about male love bombers (male narcissists in particular) than on female ones, but it's just as prevalent in women, just presents a bit differently much of the time. So unfortunately due to the present bias, you may have to read some articles on NPD men and just replace the pronouns in your mind as you read.

 

Women have to watch out for men who profess their love or want commitment way too early and there are lots of articles tailored to helping us females detect red flags of love bomber behavior in males. The dating world could use some more articles tailored for men to help you guys watch out for the same stuff coming from NPD females.

 

For now, though, if a woman is sending you lots of erotic photos of herself and chatting you up about how sexy you are and whatnot, without actually haven gotten to know you and she's not blatantly looking for an NSA hookup, then it is like a 99% chance that she is just after the thrill of being wanted, but it does not mean that she wants you back.

 

It sounds like (from your posts) that you are learning this the hard way, just like a lot of us females learn the hard way that when a guy says he wants to commit to a relationship with us on the second date, it's not because we're his soul mate, it's because he's crazy.

 

The naive who wear their hearts on their sleeves and step into the dating world lonely and vulnerable often get played hardcore once or twice before learning this rough lesson. It sucks and a lot of us have been there and know the bad feels you've got right now all too well. Probably the most agitating part of the whole thing is accepting that you were fooled, but it's necessary in order to grow the awareness to not be fooled again.

 

In the future if a woman claims she is looking for love / relationship and then starts blowing up your inbox with naked photos and whatnot, recognize her dysfunction for what it is and move on. The right woman will steadily grow sexually comfortable with you over time.

[Trenton100]

The men I attract have big egos, and they do not want to be one of "many".

 

Right here. This is where I have a problem.

 

 

We don't want to be one of many. We don't want to be jerked around, wondering if you're sincere or just dicking us. We don't like playing games in our head, constantly questioning if we are good enough for you.

 

 

You say they have big egos. No, they have feelings. We're human too. Some of us don't think its fair that we give you our time on Tues only to see it wasted because you took another guys time on Wed.

 

 

This who situation wouldn't be so complicated if you took OLD, shoved it through a grinder and scattered it in a million pieces.

 

 

Isn't ironic, how the girl I'm "sort" of seeing now has no issues telling me she is honest and genuine and is guarded because guys have cheated on her, only to feel "freaked out" because I expressed my feelings on exclusively dating her?

 

 

Isn't it ironic, that the guys that want commitment, are the ones woman shun only to turn around and end up with lying pricks?

 

 

Isn't it ironic that woman now feel like "girlfriend" is this terrible label, instead of seeing it as "stick with me and I'll treat you right?"

 

 

Isn't ironic that you're here now, on this forum, because you have an issue with commitment?

[toscaroscura]

Please take my love bomber suggestion to heart, even go do some research on it perhaps. There are more articles about male love bombers (male narcissists in particular) than on female ones, but it's just as prevalent in women, just presents a bit differently much of the time. So unfortunately due to the present bias, you may have to read some articles on NPD men and just replace the pronouns in your mind as you read.

 

Women have to watch out for men who profess their love or want commitment way too early and there are lots of articles tailored to helping us females detect red flags of love bomber behavior in males. The dating world could use some more articles tailored for men to help you guys watch out for the same stuff coming from NPD females.

 

For now, though, if a woman is sending you lots of erotic photos of herself and chatting you up about how sexy you are and whatnot, without actually haven gotten to know you and she's not blatantly looking for an NSA hookup, then it is like a 99% chance that she is just after the thrill of being wanted, but it does not mean that she wants you back.

 

It sounds like (from your posts) that you are learning this the hard way, just like a lot of us females learn the hard way that when a guy says he wants to commit to a relationship with us on the second date, it's not because we're his soul mate, it's because he's crazy.

 

The naive who wear their hearts on their sleeves and step into the dating world lonely and vulnerable often get played hardcore once or twice before learning this rough lesson. It sucks and a lot of us have been there and know the bad feels you've got right now all too well. Probably the most agitating part of the whole thing is accepting that you were fooled, but it's necessary in order to grow the awareness to not be fooled again.

 

In the future if a woman claims she is looking for love / relationship and then starts blowing up your inbox with naked photos and whatnot, recognize her dysfunction for what it is and move on. The right woman will steadily grow sexually comfortable with you over time.

 

I wish I could like this post 1000 times.

 

Trenton100, not all women are like this, as not all men are like my experience I shared above. But after you have been burned once or twice by them, it can seem that way.

[Trenton100]

I wish I could like this post 1000 times.

 

Trenton100, not all women are like this, as not all men are like my experience I shared above. But after you have been burned once or twice by them, it can seem that way.

 

 

I'm just tired of it. It's exhausting. I miss the old ways.

 

 

When I met my ex-wife, there wasn't any of this ****. There was no "we're going to fast" or any of that. We just did. We lasted 14 years without the need to multi-date or send pics or any of that.

 

 

I'll never make it in this era. I'm too old and too old school. I keep grinding the wheels. I'm not going to last with this girl because I'm adapted to the old way of thinking. And even if I do see her again, what difference does it make? I'll f$ck it up because I'll buy flowers too soon or say something to heavy or question everything when some dude tells her how pretty she is on FB.

 

 

It doesn't matter.

[Eggplant]

This type wants you get emotionally sucked in before you realize who he really is.

[aggie382]

I'm just tired of it. It's exhausting. I miss the old ways.

 

 

When I met my ex-wife, there wasn't any of this ****. There was no "we're going to fast" or any of that. We just did. We lasted 14 years without the need to multi-date or send pics or any of that.

 

 

I'll never make it in this era. I'm too old and too old school. I keep grinding the wheels. I'm not going to last with this girl because I'm adapted to the old way of thinking. And even if I do see her again, what difference does it make? I'll f$ck it up because I'll buy flowers too soon or say something to heavy or question everything when some dude tells her how pretty she is on FB.

 

 

It doesn't matter.

 

Take the technology aspect out of it.

 

What would you have thought if she plastered street corners with pictures of herself in scantily clad outfits? And snail mailed you pictures of herself nude in bed? All while telling you how hot you are?

 

Because that's what she's doing, just in a different medium, thanks to technology.

 

Would you really have believed she was looking for something serious?

[SomeDude16]

I'm just tired of it. It's exhausting. I miss the old ways.

 

 

When I met my ex-wife, there wasn't any of this ****. There was no "we're going to fast" or any of that. We just did. We lasted 14 years without the need to multi-date or send pics or any of that.

 

 

I'll never make it in this era. I'm too old and too old school. I keep grinding the wheels. I'm not going to last with this girl because I'm adapted to the old way of thinking. And even if I do see her again, what difference does it make? I'll f$ck it up because I'll buy flowers too soon or say something to heavy or question everything when some dude tells her how pretty she is on FB.

 

 

It doesn't matter.

 

I somewhat agree with this. My grandparents have been married for 53 years because they couldn't text each other "where are you?" Or "are you ignoring me?" 20 times a day. That said, what can you do? Today's world is different and you must adapt and overcome if you want to succeeded.

[Vuuduu]

Where are you meeting these guys exactly? If you don't mind me asking...

 

Two I met at the university I attended for grad school.

Another I met outside a nightclub. My car had gotten broken into and he helped me pick the glass off my seat.

One guy I met at a more questionable venue.

Only one online. Online has never been my thing.

[toscaroscura]

I'm just tired of it. It's exhausting. I miss the old ways.

 

 

When I met my ex-wife, there wasn't any of this ****. There was no "we're going to fast" or any of that. We just did. We lasted 14 years without the need to multi-date or send pics or any of that.

 

 

I'll never make it in this era. I'm too old and too old school. I keep grinding the wheels. I'm not going to last with this girl because I'm adapted to the old way of thinking. And even if I do see her again, what difference does it make? I'll f$ck it up because I'll buy flowers too soon or say something to heavy or question everything when some dude tells her how pretty she is on FB.

 

 

It doesn't matter.

 

I do agree that things have become very difficult. I am 35 and was married to my high school sweetheart for many years. It wasn't this complicated that's for sure.

 

In my brief dating time I have dated love-bombers. Guys just feeding me straight-up lies and BS. Guys with whom I thought we had something only for them to hem and haw and tell me they weren't sure about me.

 

I have taken a break from all of it for the most part.

[Danda]

I'm just tired of it. It's exhausting. I miss the old ways.

 

 

When I met my ex-wife, there wasn't any of this ****. There was no "we're going to fast" or any of that. We just did. We lasted 14 years without the need to multi-date or send pics or any of that.

 

 

I'll never make it in this era. I'm too old and too old school. I keep grinding the wheels. I'm not going to last with this girl because I'm adapted to the old way of thinking. And even if I do see her again, what difference does it make? I'll f$ck it up because I'll buy flowers too soon or say something to heavy or question everything when some dude tells her how pretty she is on FB.

 

 

It doesn't matter.

 

Pfft how old are you? I've worked in multiple nursing homes / assisted living facilities and people in their 80s and 90s are still getting twitterpated and even having sex. If you are aiming for women who are much younger than yourself, it will be much harder, than if you aim for women in your own age range. Women in your own age range went through the same cultural molding as you did, so they are way less likely to consider it a "**** up" if you approach in an "old school" manner. If anything they'll probably find it to be a breath of fresh air amidst an ocean of younger guys just looking to "bang MILFs".

 

I know the whole older/younger dating topic is such a dead horse that it's a barely recognizable corpse at this point, but set aside for a moment the whole vanity factor in it. The experience/wisdom/cultural factor is huge, and there are some very attractive older women out there, so attractive they get labeled as "cougars" and young men make casual encounter ads on Craigslist all the time trying to find one. You can aim for women whom you find attractive AND have the same background as you. It will probably help you a lot. Us 20-something women typically don't know what the hell we really want yet and are having fun, and that's pretty normal.

 

I also acknowledge that I am feelin out an assumption here, just because I'd think it's uncommon for older women to send you a bunch of naked photos of themselves. So I'm guessing that this was a younger lady. And I could be totally wrong, but I figure it's worth noting this angle.

[toscaroscura]

I'm 35 and have dated guys ranging from 22 to over 40, and I honestly have to say that the younger ones have surprised me by being more serious about relationships in general. The ones my age or older seemed to be more interested in reliving a second adolescence.

 

I got lied to/played more by the older ones.

 

This is just my experience, though. I'm not making sweeping generalizations.

[SomeDude16]

Two I met at the university I attended for grad school.

Another I met outside a nightclub. My car had gotten broken into and he helped me pick the glass off my seat.

One guy I met at a more questionable venue.

Only one online. Online has never been my thing.

 

I think this reaffirms the belief that it's more of an age thing. They probably wonder, " why would a beautiful younger woman be talking to and having sex with me unless she wanted a relationship?" I think the problem might be a combination of their age and you not being as upfront at the beginning. Like others have said, try being more foward and see if it changes things

[aggie382]

I think this reaffirms the belief that it's more of an age thing. They probably wonder, " why would a beautiful younger woman be talking to and having sex with me unless she wanted a relationship?" I think the problem might be a combination of their age and you not being as upfront at the beginning. Like others have said, try being more foward and see if it changes things

 

I am 30 and have experienced this instant-relationship thing only with guys in their late 30's. It's like they have no patience. And I'm definitely not the younger woman showering them with attention, the opposite actually.

[Trenton100]

I somewhat agree with this. My grandparents have been married for 53 years because they couldn't text each other "where are you?" Or "are you ignoring me?" 20 times a day. That said, what can you do? Today's world is different and you must adapt and overcome if you want to succeeded.

 

This. Exactly.

 

I got upset today because she told me she was going to sleep. Then an hour later she's posting a cute portrait of herself on FB with the title "I'm told this hat makes me look cute."

 

So right there I sent a text "I feel like I'm being played".

 

She was shocked. Why would I ask that? Do you really think I'm playing you?

 

I realized right there is I'm just not adapted. I don't want the person I'm with constantly validating herself through social media. I don't want that feeling of being blown off just for not getting a simple text. But that's exactly what's happening. I can't read people this way. The whole FB/OLD thing is like this attention seeking nightmare. I guess it wasn't good enough that I told you that you were beautiful? You need others to say it too?

 

And when I called her out, I was the one who had to feel bad for doing it. Wtf?

 

So now I'm sitting here, feeling like I blew an opportunity with someone because I thought kissing, feeling, etc. was a special thing. It used to be. Hell, even a kiss held some importance. Now it doesn't. I'm not saying she has to be all in on a full blown relationship but this "day to day" sh$t means nothing when we did what we did last night. I don't make out with multiple woman. I don't expect to get married overnight either. But take social media out of the equation. 15 years ago, she's my girlfriend by now.

 

So when you guys are talking about commitment, understand for people like me, commitment just means taking a chance with one person.

[Vuuduu]

I think this reaffirms the belief that it's more of an age thing. They probably wonder, " why would a beautiful younger woman be talking to and having sex with me unless she wanted a relationship?" I think the problem might be a combination of their age and you not being as upfront at the beginning. Like others have said, try being more foward and see if it changes things

 

I'm definitely going to be more upfront. I decided to only have sex when I'm completely serious about a man. No more confusion and hurt feelings. The only thing that bothered me is that I take my time in love...so sex might take a year plus. I guess we'll see. It's the perfect time for change...being close to New Years and all.

 

Sadly I'm still dealing with the fallout of this latest relationship. I hesitated, dated other guys, was slow, indecisive...he has become passive aggressive as a result. I hesitated for a good reason...he hurt me badly in the past. So of course, I was more careful with my heart this time. But he wanted more than what I could give him. Now he's posting pictures of attractive women on his Facebook, declaring that he is single, and other things that he know I'll see. Maybe wanting a reaction from me...I really don't know. Or maybe he just wants to move on... See this is the type of stuff that I want to change. I can't go through this type of thing again. It hurts me too. I'd rather just hold out for someone I really feel strongly about and commit to that person.

[aggie382]

Trenton, you can tell a lot about a person via FB, just like you did here. But you chose to invest rather than heed the signs. Next time, pay attention. Not as many women are attention whores.

[Trenton100]

I'm actually starting to wonder if Facebook isn't one of the worst things to happen to us as people. There's so much second guessing, stalking, etc when it comes to this.

[daphs]

Sounds like both you and the OP are attracting and/or pursuing "love bomber" types - people who are in love with the idea of being in love. Basically.

 

I think male love bombers tend to love bomb emotionally, since they often perceive (correctly or not) that women are all about emotion and commitment. Being in love with the idea of being in love, they try to rush really fast into whatever they think women want, seemingly in the subconscious effort to force an experience that can only happen naturally over time.

 

I think female love bombers, on the other hand, tend to love bomb in an erotic manner, since they often perceive (correctly or not) that men are all about sex and ego-stroking. Being in love with the idea of being in love, they try to rush really fast into whatever they think men want, seemingly in the subconscious effort to force an experience that can only happen naturally over time.

 

It really is the same damn thing, just tailored slightly differently in approach based on gender stereotypes.

 

If a man is pushing for commitment on the second date, chances are that his feelings are not genuine, and he is either deluding himself unaware or deliberately trying to manipulate.

 

If a woman is fawning over how sexy you are and deleting her dating profiles super early on, chances are that her attraction and feelings are not genuine and she is just enjoying the rush/thrill of 'love at first sight' nonsense, either subconsciously or deliberately.

 

And again the only difference is the particular love bombing technique, based on gender stereotypes. Male love bombers often try to use false emotional intensity and commitment, and female love bombers often try to make their male target feel like a sex god.

 

In either case it usually winds up being a train wreck. So if you don't get sucked in or they drop off the face of the earth once the moment is over, count yourself lucky that you got off the train before it shot off the cliff.

 

I'm sorry I'm a bit off topic here, but this just happened to me I was love bombed pretty hard without even knowing what it was. Thank you for this input, I've read a bit on it now, and I'm amazed at how stupid I was. Thanks.