Marriage a winner when wife is thinner?

[SolG]

I recently watched a Ted talk on what makes a successful marriage. And the first point right out of the gate was a wife that's thinner and more attractive than her husband. I thought, 'Surely that can't be true!'. And went off to the Googles to check it out.

 

Sure enough, found this article and many others around the webs citing a prominent study Marriages More Satisfying When Wives are Thinner Than Husbands - ABC News And many other marriage advice sites that cite maintaining attractiveness as very imporant.

 

I've since discussed it with friends male and female. And the overwhelming response is that while it may not be PC to say so, nobody wants to end up with a partner they don't find attractive. I tend to agree.

 

If so many people think this, why aren't more folk upfront with partners about the importance of staying attractive?

[Tayken]

I recently watched a Ted talk on what makes a successful marriage. And the first point right out of the gate was a wife that's thinner and more attractive than her husband. I thought, 'Surely that can't be true!'. And went off to the Googles to check it out.

 

Sure enough, found this article and many others around the webs citing a prominent study Marriages More Satisfying When Wives are Thinner Than Husbands - ABC News And many other marriage advice sites that cite maintaining attractiveness as very imporant.

 

I've since discussed it with friends male and female. And the overwhelming response is that while it may not be PC to say so, nobody wants to end up with a partner they don't find attractive. I tend to agree.

 

If so many people think this, why aren't more folk upfront with partners about the importance of staying attractive?

 

 

If I may ask...how old are you and your friends? "marriage winner" has nothing to do with looks in the grand scheme of things...I am sure many of those 1 in every 2 marriages that fail, has a lot of thin women, and I personally know a quite a few out there where that hasn't play a part in their broken marriages.

 

Personally ...I can't be with a woman that is too skinny / has a flat butt / is too heavy with a big butt / has big boobs. I won't compromise on all those period. Oh, it doesn't help if they wear jeans either, smoke and like to drink a lot

[Gloria25]

No, you must "love" your wife as she is - rolls of fat, no make up, no pedi/mani, no grooming and all.

 

If you don't you're a dirty, dirty, mean person.

 

I will say that IMO, regardless of "who" it is (male or female), I can't stand when one or both people let themselves go in a RL.

 

I have two neighbors - married, early 50's - but look late 60's. Both are overweight and just sloppy. I sometimes wonder what inside that house smells like.

[Tayken]

Additionally

 

@ OP.....Apparently skinny women make more money too.

 

Skinny Women Make More Money?But Skinny Guys Make Less

 

here are some facts for you

 

Many loving, sweet, kind women are overlooked because they don't fit your rigid standards of beauty. I encourage you to check out the following facts and figures:

There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and only a handful who do.

Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14.

If Barbie were a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her exaggerated proportions.

The average woman weighs 144 lb. and wears between a size 12 and 14.

The models in the magazines are airbrushed — not perfect!

A psychological study in 1995 found that three minutes spent looking at a fashion magazine caused 70% of women readers to feel depressed, guilty and shameful.

Models twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman. Today they weigh 23% less.

 

I sometimes wonder what inside that house smells like.

 

I always think this of smokers in general and people who have junk in their cars i.e wrappers, cups, etc that they can't be bothered to throw out. Most of the women have had over, have commented about how immaculate they think my place is, and that they feel embarrassed inviting me over to their place

Edited December 28, 2014 by Tayken

[SolG]

Tayken, I'm... old enough. As are my friends. I'm female by the way, and have been married. (No appearance wasn't an issue in my marriage's demise.) I'm also fully aware of the beauty myth, and own a first edition Lammily doll :-)

 

The study does not say that a woman must be thin per se, just thinner and more attractive than her husband. It's a relative as opposed to absolute measure.

 

I think that the point is more what Gloria25 makes. That there is this general vibe that we should all love our partners no matter what. But the truth is that physical attraction is an important component, and it's not okay to stop maintaining this via appearance. It doesn't mean going overboard; it means consciously continuing to make an effort together and individually. IMO this goes for men and women.

 

For me, I think it should be up there with the discussion about kids, career and monogamy expectations when entering an LTR.

[Danda]

I think it's kind of obvious that not letting one's self go can be a significant factor in holding a LTR or marriage together. I think the topic results in bickering only when it's biased towards one gender, like "If the wife is attractive then it'll work out," followed by, "Yes attraction is important," with no mention of how attractive the husband is / remains. The double-standards thing is just about guaranteed to ignite a flame war regardless of topic or which gender/race/age group/whatever is being slighted. And when people perceive that you're making an unfair dig at them, then emotions explode and people get defensive, immature and crazy (and hence the resulting flame wars in a comments thread under an article or whatever).

 

I imagine discussions on the reality of sex/attraction in relationships/marriage would go better in general if they came out the gate without targeting one gender specifically.

 

A similar example is the million+ articles on the harrows of dating a narcissistic man with only a few articles sprinkled lightly here and there about narcissistic women and their unique red flags. That type of lopsided approach will only naturally put many men on the defensive and the comments under such articles like "The Warning Signs of the NPD Man" just erupt in flaming.

[Allumere]

@ Tayken

 

Monroe was not a 14. She was an 8 and at here heaviest maybe a 10.

 

and whats wrong with jeans???

[ktya]

I recently watched a Ted talk on what makes a successful marriage. And the first point right out of the gate was a wife that's thinner and more attractive than her husband. I thought, 'Surely that can't be true!'. And went off to the Googles to check it out.

 

Sure enough, found this article and many others around the webs citing a prominent study Marriages More Satisfying When Wives are Thinner Than Husbands - ABC News And many other marriage advice sites that cite maintaining attractiveness as very imporant.

 

I've since discussed it with friends male and female. And the overwhelming response is that while it may not be PC to say so, nobody wants to end up with a partner they don't find attractive. I tend to agree.

 

If so many people think this, why aren't more folk upfront with partners about the importance of staying attractive?

 

I agree. I would guess, from experience, that a woman who lets herself go still wants the same treatment out of her man as she got earlier on in the relationship.

 

I met a girl in 2010 who weighed 105 lbs. She walked a lot and fixed herself up until she moved in with me. Over the next 3 years she gained about 80 lbs (she was only 5'3" so it really showed) stopped fixing herself up, rarely shaved her legs and spent most of her time in PJs. She complained incessantly abojt me not making her feel attractive and how sex was on the serious wane. Problem was, i didnt find her attractive at all anymore. People gain and lose weight at part of life but not that sort of stark contrast. Evidently she did it again, shortly after we broke up she got nearly down to the original weight she was when she met me; i saw a picture of her in a mutual friends gallery and she looked like she was pushing 220lbs.

 

I was happy to break up with her for that and a variety of other reasons and summarily started dating beautiful rail thin asians. Not living with her and her awful diet i dropped 30 lbs myself without even trying.

[Tayken]

@ Tayken

 

Monroe was not a 14. She was an 8 and at here heaviest maybe a 10.

 

and whats wrong with jeans???

 

Where do I start..

- hideous

- has become the defacto dress for many

- not very flattering on many

- Can't believe how much some people pay for them

 

I have never been a jeans wearing person, and detest it with a passion

 

million+ articles on the harrows of dating a narcissistic man with only a few articles sprinkled lightly here and there about narcissistic women and their unique red flags.

 

Ahahaha...that is because the females are in cahoot, and wouldn't write about such a delusional thing.

[Allumere]

Where do I start..

- hideous

- has become the defacto dress for many

- not very flattering on many

- Can't believe how much some people pay for them

 

I have never been a jeans wearing person, and detest it with a passion.

 

I found myself chuckling...

 

although I tend to agree (pouring 10 pounds of sugar in a 5 pound bag is not a good look) they have their place. And I would say on men with the right physique they are pretty darn attractive. Skinny pants and leggings..,,those should be banned (for men and women)

[EngnimaticResponse]

@ Tayken

 

Monroe was not a 14. She was an 8 and at here heaviest maybe a 10.

 

and whats wrong with jeans???

 

Actually, she Was a size 14. BUT, what most people do not realize is that dress sizes were different in her time. A size 14 back then was equal to about a size 7-8 today. They changed some time after her death, late 60's-70's I think.

 

 

@OP; I would have to agree with this one, on the whole anyway. I don't like rail-thin women, but she should at least be smaller around then I am. I would relax this boundary a bit if she was several inches taller. I recently read a poster's comments here about being very active and athletic, wanting and meeting a women who was the same, but as soon as they were married she stopped working out/taking care of herself, gained 50 lbs and refused to go back "This is how I really am". I think this is an extreme case, but if the guy is doing his best to keep his weight down, maintain good diet/hygene, she should be doing the same. The idea is of course subjective.

Edited December 28, 2014 by EngnimaticResponse

[ktya]

That was me. She was 5'3" which isnt tall unless your a pygmy so going from 105-185 made a tremendous difference to the worse. Thats the difference between avera BMI to severly obese

[CALOVELY]

 

If so many people think this, why aren't more folk upfront with partners about the importance of staying attractive?

 

If the person is active and takes pride in their body, why would their partner think it would change after marriage? I believe that is the mindset of many and why the discussion does not come up as it should. Unfortunately for others, some feel that having this discussion will make them appear shallow or demanding.

 

I do not think it is unreasonable to expect your partner to put in the effort to maintain their attractiveness. Aging, hair loss and pregnancy do change our looks and is largely beyond our control. Gaining a good deal of weight, poor hygiene or no longer caring about your appearance is different though and unfair to your partner. Attraction is what brought a couple together in the first place. It is important and an effort should be made.

[somedude81]

It should go without saying that the marriage will be happier if both partners were attracted to each other.

 

Neither of them should let themselves go. That hard part is that it can and often does happen. When one partner sees the other person starting to gain weight, what can he or she say?

[SolG]

It should go without saying that the marriage will be happier if both partners were attracted to each other.

 

Neither of them should let themselves go. That hard part is that it can and often does happen. When one partner sees the other person starting to gain weight, what can he or she say?

 

Yes this is the hard part! While, as another poster wrote, physical change over time is natural and inevitable, the fact that so many (men and women) let it go unchecked goes to the case that maybe it can't go without saying!

 

I think it should be explicit up front that you value your partner's health and physical attractiveness. And then it should be an ongoing two-way commitment to maintaining it together through shared diet and lifestyle. Then it shouldn't become a problem in the relationship in the first place.

 

However, it can go too far. I have a friend whose husband made it very clear that he expected her to never gain weight. She took a skipping rope to hospital when she had their daughter, and was skipping within hours of giving birth because she was so desperate to lose her baby fat :-/

[littleblackheart]

Yes this is the hard part! While, as another poster wrote, physical change over time is natural and inevitable, the fact that so many (men and women) let it go unchecked goes to the case that maybe it can't go without saying!

 

I think it should be explicit up front that you value your partner's health and physical attractiveness. And then it should be an ongoing two-way commitment to maintaining it together through shared diet and lifestyle. Then it shouldn't become a problem in the relationship in the first place.

 

However, it can go too far. I have a friend whose husband made it very clear that he expected her to never gain weight. She took a skipping rope to hospital when she had their daughter, and was skipping within hours of giving birth because she was so desperate to lose her baby fat :-/

 

 

I agree with the general statement that you should value your partner's health and physical attractiveness, and actually you should value your partner full stop.

 

 

A family member went through an extremely bad relationship and divorce: when he entered it, he was healthy and took care of his physical appearance; in 11 years of an abusive relationship he went from a gaunt skeleton to severely obese at various points in his marriage, which his wife used to make him feel even worse.

 

 

I haven't always been open-minded about people who let go of their appearance before but seeing him going through these phases and knowing his history, it all kind of made sense - sometimes, how you feel on the outside only reflects how you feel on the inside - so now I'm making a conscious effort to stop being judgemental about that kind of things.

[CALOVELY]

Yes this is the hard part! While, as another poster wrote, physical change over time is natural and inevitable, the fact that so many (men and women) let it go unchecked goes to the case that maybe it can't go without saying!

 

I think it should be explicit up front that you value your partner's health and physical attractiveness. And then it should be an ongoing two-way commitment to maintaining it together through shared diet and lifestyle. Then it shouldn't become a problem in the relationship in the first place.

 

However, it can go too far. I have a friend whose husband made it very clear that he expected her to never gain weight. She took a skipping rope to hospital when she had their daughter, and was skipping within hours of giving birth because she was so desperate to lose her baby fat :-/

 

It should be something discussed prior to marriage but that certainly does not mean a partner will follow through with the promise made. Addressing the issue after it has gotten out of hand is tricky but I would bring it up the same way I would about a partner who drank too much or took up smoking. That it was harming the relationship and what could I do to help them get back on track.

 

About your friend, that is outrageous. Is she still with him? What does he look like?

[SolG]

I haven't always been open-minded about people who let go of their appearance before but seeing him going through these phases and knowing his history, it all kind of made sense - sometimes, how you feel on the outside only reflects how you feel on the inside - so now I'm making a conscious effort to stop being judgemental about that kind of things.

 

I agree. Someone in an LTR doesn't let themselves go all on their own. Somewhere there is a partner that has contributed. I don't think you can expect someone to do it all on their own; they need example, space and support. No different to the other facets of relationship maintenance really!

 

As for my skipping friend... they ended up divorced. He was an asshat; a very fit and attractive asshat. But the kind of guy that became ugly once he opened his mouth. She is very happy with a new, less judgmental partner. And I believe asshat is onto his third cookie-cutter thin blonde wife.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It should go without saying that the marriage will be happier if both partners were attracted to each other.

 

Neither of them should let themselves go. That hard part is that it can and often does happen. When one partner sees the other person starting to gain weight, what can he or she say?

 

I think if this happened to me, I'd feel able to make a light hearted joke to my partner about how much we've both been enjoying our food lately, and then start quietly making healthier food in smaller portions, and suggesting we do something active together.

 

Given that in a marriage you're supposed to forsake all others sexually, I think it's essential to maintain your partner or spouse's attraction level. I'm not talking be sat around in full makeup, a blow dry, a manicure all day every day (I never leave the house without those things but at home I'm often just in sweat pants and a t shirt, messy hair and little makeup), but if you start to pile on huge amounts of weight when your partner fell for you slimmer, it's not a good thing in a relationship.

 

I've put on about half a stone since I got with my current boyfriend and I think he's put on similar or maybe a tiny bit more. But it's within my usual weight range and at 5ft 9 I'm still only a size UK 12 on the bottom, and a UK 10 on top. I would feel weird about putting on any more and expecting him to be as into me as he was when he met me lighter. Everyone has their tastes and I presume he was attracted to me when we first met, so I wouldn't want to go too far in deviating from that, Plus I'd never want to be overweight anyway for my own self esteem.

 

But as hurtful as it may seem, I don't think someone should be shocked, hurt or surprised if their partner tells them gently that they think they could both benefit from a healthier lifestyle. After all, it's not just about sexual attraction here and now, it's about your health, longevity, and ability to be fit and well long into the future.

[Got it]

Yes, physically attractiveness does change. While I can't speak to the female weigh issue, I can say that my ex husband's weight gain, lack of taking care of himself, and mental fatigue became unattractive to me. Weight gain happens, especially with women and pregnancy, but I can say that I do not find obesity attractive and have some general health expectations.

[Tayken]

Yes, physically attractiveness does change. While I can't speak to the female weigh issue, I can say that my ex husband's weight gain, lack of taking care of himself, and mental fatigue became unattractive to me. Weight gain happens, especially with women and pregnancy, but I can say that I do not find obesity attractive and have some general health expectations.

 

Bold 1: You are right, even I as a man can't stand it when I see a man with a beer gut bigger than his pregnant wife's (sometimes she is not pregnant either) stomach. It is just plain disgusting, and these people still fine time for the beer store / pizza / largest coffee

 

Bold 2: Obese woman does nothing for me and can't even imagine what am suppose to do with all that. There is also the long term health concerns one should think of. If they get to that stage where they aren't very mobile, you will be the one left looking after them.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think physical attraction in general has a more significant impact on a man's happiness In a relationship than it does for women.

 

To me it's pretty much common sense that if the woman is more attractive than her partner there's a much better chance it'll last or if in general he is just generally very attracted to her..which is often times weight related...after a certain amount of weight gain, a man's sexual interest will significantly drop...regardless of whether she's still wearing make-up and attempting to look pretty, if a woman is a certain size too heavy for that man, the facial appearance is irrelevant.

 

Somehow many women believe that doing their hair and make-up can change that, but it can have zero percent impact to men if the body is too overweight for their taste.

 

Many women I've talked to also seem to be very casual about coming into a relationship thinner and putting more effort into their looks initially as they're trying to catch the guys interest, but once a relationship is established he should expect this gradual process of "letting herself go" as she is more secure in the relationship and shouldn't have to maintain that "unrealistic" standard anymore, therefore more and more over time, changing in appearance, which should be accepted as a fact of life and the man should accept that because he should by that time "love her for who she is no matter what".

 

To men if you wanted to be accepted being overweight and wearing sweat pants all the time then you'd have showed up on every date and every subsequent date after reflecting that, right?

 

It's kind of a switch and bait tactic otherwise, but usually the guy puts on weight too because he gets caught up in this as well and that's a justification that it's ok, if he doesn't she just feels bad about herself as she feels now pressured to look better herself.

 

Younger guys (late teens early 20's) often tell me they like more curvaceous women and would like to end up with the girl with the booty, hips and breast, rather than the skinny girl...but I remind them the curvy girl now has a good chance of being overweight later, if not significantly so...they kind snap back with a "Whaaaat, no way....damn" and they let those thoughts marinate for a second, kind of in denial over it since the women now are going to the gym and maintaining their weight, but then they start to make sense of it.

 

But it's a surprise and foreign idea for guys that their SO will change, men do believe that she will stay the same forever but they don't necessarily think that out in the moment, but after kids the weight can significantly increase and possibly forever, and IMO I don't think a man should expect perfection, but often times women make excuses for that being the reason they're 50-80 pounds overweight and have earned the right to remain so, any negativity expressed by the man about her weight is pure evil.

 

But the skinnier girl that's more naturally thin will likely still be so down the road.

 

The moral if the story is, as men get older and they gain experience...I think they tend to recognize the significance of beauty and attraction, which is why they often want to date younger more beautiful woman...they know that if the woman changes in other ways at least she'll still be younger and more beautiful than his old @ss, and any qualities a woman may have his age he'd find in a younger woman the same.

 

Therefore as a woman, find a guy who's going to be enamored with you and is completely attracted to you at your "worse" and chances are he'll stick around forever, especially if he's just a normal guy with normal dating options...which is very low for the average guy. His motivation and commitment will stay strong, even if you're old and fat, just don't trick the guy into it...be yourself, ad then you can let yourself go without guilt or fear he will leave you.

 

And for men, find someone who you find sexy, beautiful and meets your standard of physical desire..because even if she gains weight there's a much better chance you'll still be into her. You will be much more committed than many of the lazy guys in relationships that only find their partner mildly attraction and therefore have the motivation of a koala....your motivation and desire will drop if the woman just barely meets your expectations...and you'll be just another married guy browsing the internet smacking it to porn to hotter, younger, more attractive woman.

[Anela]

No, you must "love" your wife as she is - rolls of fat, no make up, no pedi/mani, no grooming and all.

 

If you don't you're a dirty, dirty, mean person.

 

I will say that IMO, regardless of "who" it is (male or female), I can't stand when one or both people let themselves go in a RL.

 

I have two neighbors - married, early 50's - but look late 60's. Both are overweight and just sloppy. I sometimes wonder what inside that house smells like.

 

As long as they're happy. The house could be pristine - you can't judge things like that from a person's looks.

[MissBee]

I recently watched a Ted talk on what makes a successful marriage. And the first point right out of the gate was a wife that's thinner and more attractive than her husband. I thought, 'Surely that can't be true!'. And went off to the Googles to check it out.

 

Sure enough, found this article and many others around the webs citing a prominent study Marriages More Satisfying When Wives are Thinner Than Husbands - ABC News And many other marriage advice sites that cite maintaining attractiveness as very imporant.

 

I've since discussed it with friends male and female. And the overwhelming response is that while it may not be PC to say so, nobody wants to end up with a partner they don't find attractive. I tend to agree.

 

If so many people think this, why aren't more folk upfront with partners about the importance of staying attractive?

 

 

This is assuming everyone thinks thin is automatically attractive when everyone certainly doesn't think this.

[ktya]

It should go without saying that the marriage will be happier if both partners were attracted to each other.

 

Neither of them should let themselves go. That hard part is that it can and often does happen. When one partner sees the other person starting to gain weight, what can he or she say?

 

Million dollar question.

 

My ex may have been a special peice of work but nothing seemed to get through. I started by parrying her complaints of boredom that perhaps after dropping the kid off at school by going for a walk simply for a walks sake, or maybe take the kid swimming on weekdays before i got home.

 

As time wore on and the weight gain became obvious (she was complaining none of her clothes fit i became more overt, buying her a swim pass (which she never used) and suggesting that some exercise might not only help with her doldrums but would also help her lose weight.

 

As the weight increased i would counter her whining about it with direct suggestions to dietary changes, like how about eating vegetables instead of potatoes and switching to diet cola (she drank 2-4 liters as day and refused to drink water), all to no avail.

 

Eventually, as she became obese i would parry her complaining of lack of sex directly, "would you fk you?" with requests that she get off the couch, make healthier choices and get some damned exercise, making citation that i met a 105 lb skinnier than average girl and now i was with a severely obese woman and that i felt id been sold a bad bill of goods.

 

Nothing worked except for when she became single... And she rapidly grew even larger than she was with me for his "benefit".

 

I think some people, men and women, feel they no longer need to try once they "caught one". Too bad, i think that this ideology fuels more cheating, more sexless marriages, more use of prostitutes than any other single factor.

 

We all will gain weight in a cohabiting relationship to some extent. Theres less reason to go out, eating together can be a social activity, and were more likely to entertain. But when one partner gains 20 and the other gains 80 the thinner party is well within their rights to demand the other do something about it.