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wife cheated almost2 1/2 years ago an i cant get it out of my head

knhtinblackarmor

By knhtinblackarmor
in Infidelity

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knhtinblackarmor Member

knhtinblackarmor

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hey people, so i usually don't do this, also before I begin please forgive my spelling as i am on my phone doing this. So here's my situation, we have been married 5 years now. After about 2 years into she cheated on me with her "friends"ex husband. We had a lot of ups and downs to that point.

 

Before it happened,I noticed she would be talking texting an hanging out with him. I implied to her it was not right and was not ok with it. She would say that i needed to trust her and they were just friends and she was helping him get thru this tough time with his divorce. I told her that's not her business to place to be involved in.

 

Despite my requests she proceeded to be involved with him as "friends". She would pick me up from work and be talking to him. I would always tell her I didn't like it. Then one night we're sleeping and he calls her at 2 am, back to back. I told her I didn't like where this was going, and I proceeded to call the s.o.b and have a very specific one on one conversation with him, where I basically told him I didn't want them to be friends or he would be seeing me. And we all know how I meant by seeing me. He insisted nothing was going on, I mentioned I was single also once and I knew what I was calling a woman at 2 am for, to not BS me and that I'm not dumb. And to check his $hit in very quickly before i do so for him.

 

So for a few weeks they had no involvement or at least that i knew of. Me and the wife get into an argument (the kids are mine from a previous relationship). I took my kids by my parents house cause she told me she didn't want to be with me anymore, so of course I'm a hot head. I said fine and took them there so she could have time to think. I then go to work.

 

I get off work, pick up the kids and come home. I find shes not there, so I call her. After about 20 times she picks up the phone drunker then hell. I ask her where she is she says out at a bar. I say what bar, and ask who she is with. She laughs and says wouldn't you like to know and hangs up and won't answer her phone anymore. I'm furious, enraged and even more.

 

The next day comes, the kids are at my parents becauseIi had to work and she didn't come home. She finally calls me and said she lost her phone that night. I'm calling BS so I get off work, pick up the kids, come home to her. She is very hung over and sick. I ask her where she was and who she was with, she tells me she was with her friend "Keisha", so ok I try to believe this.

 

We have sex, her vagina smells like beer now. I have a gut instinct something is wrong so next day my ex picks up the kids. I still can't believe she was by her friend. Her friend would have called and asked if she was ok or something, but nope no call from her friend or anyone. I know cause I looked in her phone she never even made any calls to her friend.

 

So,ok, the kids are gone. I ask her wth happened cause your lyiing to me that you were never by your friend. So she get very depressed and tells me to sit down so I'm like wtf. So she asks me where do I think she was. I'm like I don't know, where were you? Then she spills her guts! She was with him! They got drunk and had sex, not only sex, but unprotected sex!! My stomach is just twisted. My anger is hell at that point. I am the true meaning of anger. I lose my reality for a sec and have a day dream of letting her have it with my shotgun. I snap back and say thanks God that didn't just happen.

 

I call the guy, he denies it. I tell him you dumb SOB, you don't know who you just f'ed with and I'm coming for you. I pack all my firearms up an leave. She calls me and tells me if I don't come back, she's calling the police. I told her to do it I'm not breaking any laws having all six of my guns. I take them to my fathers house just to make sure I don't do anything stupid, then proceed to go and buy the biggest bottle of Jim they sell.

 

So we split up for a while after that, had sex with a few different woman. She has sex again with the person that she cheated with, along with many more. I try to forget it and move on with her but it constantly plays in my head over an over til I'm grabbing my hair and tearing it out. It's been over 2 years since this all happened but I can't seem to let go.

 

She has apologized and swears it would never happen again, but I don't trust her, there's no trust. There's so much more to this story, we had a history of us putting our hands on each other. Our relationship was not good, but it's no excuse to cheat and if it was that bad, why didn't she just leave me completely?? I don't know where to go with this. Its' been a good amount of time, I thought I would have forgotten now but it only eats me inside more.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for readability to get responses.
silicone Established Member

silicone

Posted
Posted

Wow,

 

Advice: amicably divorce or attempt to reconcile, but I'm not sure I can advice the latter option.

 

Situation seems messed up: individual counselling advised.

 

Will wait for you to clean up the post though.

  • Author
knhtinblackarmor Member

knhtinblackarmor

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Wow,

 

Advice: amicably divorce or attempt to reconcile, but I'm not sure I can advice the latter option.

 

Situation seems messed up: individual counselling advised.

 

Will wait for you to clean up the post though.

 

 

well we have been trying again for over 2 years since the incident an i still feel angry about it i battle this deamon in my head about it everyday , she says she wont be beat up about it anymore wich i understand but i cant let it go an it was along time ago i guess im just lost , an clean the post up meaning ?

drifter777 Established Member

drifter777

Posted
Posted

You are both cheaters - you won't get much advice here.

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knhtinblackarmor Member

knhtinblackarmor

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
You are both cheaters - you won't get much advice here.

 

 

im confused how did i cheat ? we broke up an were getting a divource litterally filed but we decided to try an work things out , so how did i cheat ? i was the one that came home an told her i cheated ?? also let me clarify it for you when she told me that i moved out we filed a few days later

Edited by knhtinblackarmor
No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted

She's not remorseful in the slightest. I don't see any ground for a marriage here to be honest.

  • Like 5
thummper Established Member

thummper

Posted
Posted

Get out, man! You can do a lot better.

  • Like 1
anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted

You will get advice here actually :)

 

 

Your marriage cannot continue without any trust and it also cannot continue if you "beat up" your wife over this for much longer.

 

From what you have said, your marriage was difficult before the affair. The way you had a history of putting your hands on each other has me assuming you would both get physically aggressive in arguments. This is obviously totally wrong and has no place in a healthy relationship. There is also then how you have both dealt with the fall out from the affair plus how you will both feel from the way you both slept with other people whilst you were temporarily apart. Regardless of whether you doing that was cheating or not, it will more than likely be on her mind just as it is on your mind that she has been with others. Some will say tough on her but human emotion is not as cold and logical as some seem to think it should be.

 

For you both to move on, you both need IC to deal with your anger issues but you also need MC together to see if you can find a way of rebuilding your marriage. This can only happen if your wife is truly remorseful (and there is nothing at all in your posts to clearly indicate one way or another whether she is not in spite of what some may think). You also both need to be completely committed to the hard work that would be involved in this process. There are absolutely no guarantees but for the sake of everybody, the status quo has to end.

  • Like 2
fellini Established Member

fellini

Posted
Posted

Seems to me what you are looking for is a way to get over her affair so that the two of you can get back to a normal dysfunctional marriage.

 

Has it not occurred to you that the portrait of your marriage here is not one that gives the impression you have ever had a solid loving trusting base upon which to BUILD?

 

Why are you afraid to let go of a fledgling union?

 

What Is It in you that wants to stay in this? Do you know the story of sisyphus?

Man Mountain Makino Established Member

Man Mountain Makino

Posted
Posted

Sorry this happened to you, bro. Situations like this are the reason I am down on reconciliation, because it's just not worth the time, effort and energy, given that many folks will still have lingering thoughts and doubts.

 

Start fresh and at the very least, you don't have to deal with this baggage.

badkarma2013 Established Member

badkarma2013

Posted
Posted

"She has apologized and swears it would never happen again, but I don't trust her, there's no trust. There's so much more to this story, we had a history of us putting our hands on each other. Our relationship was not good, but it's no excuse to cheat and if it was that bad, why didn't she just leave me completely?? I don't know where to go with this. Its' been a good amount of time, I thought I would have forgotten now but it only eats me inside more.

 

 

******************************************************************

I agree.. I knew i could NEVER FORGET...Im my case my WW did things in her affair with OM,she NEVER did with me... ..She was so TARNISHED to me i had to D...i could never fathom touching her again..after i found out what she did..

 

however infidelity is a DEALBREAKER for me...but I have no triggers..no forgiveness and no remorse...

 

She does not exist to me these days....

  • Like 2
Bryanp Established Member

Bryanp

Posted
Posted

I agree that she is not remorseful at all. She totally had her affair shoving it in your face. Prior to the sexual encounters she played you for a fool and humiliated and disrespected you in the worst possible way. If the roles were reversed would she have been down the road so accepting as you have been?

 

You clearly picked the wrong person to marry. Cut your losses and move on. She has shown you what she truly is and how she really feels about you.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

  • Like 2
Spectre Established Member

Spectre

Posted
Posted

You need to drop this woman immediately, she is toxic. She is a trashy cheater, why stay with her? Do you not feel you deserve a women that at least has a tiny bit of respect for you? Not only does she cheat on her husband, but the guy was her friends husband. She multiple betrayals all around. What a great gal!

 

Do what everyone else does this their trash: you take it out. Take this woman out of your life.

  • Like 3
WomenWubber Established Member

WomenWubber

Posted
Posted

why didn't she just leave me completely?

 

Because it wasn't convenient for her. Don't be surprised if she suddenly runs to the hills after your reaction.

 

It seems this will not end good for you even if you divorce now. I wish you luck.

  • Author
knhtinblackarmor Member

knhtinblackarmor

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I just wanna say thanks for everyone's advice thus far

 

Also well I cant say I dont love her cause I do she came into my life while my kids were very young an has been an outstanding step mom to them in every aspect an then some , also im well aware of our being physical with each other is an was completely wrong especially on my end seeing how im the man in the situation I just didn't know how to respond correctly with words rather then hands . Honestly im not to sure as to what I expect from the situation or what keeps me here I think its fear of change from what I an my kids know , we have bought a house together a new car for her we both make good money even apart an togetherwe make ggreat money but that's it

road Established Member

road

Posted
Posted
I just wanna say thanks for everyone's advice thus far

 

Also well I cant say I dont love her cause I do she came into my life while my kids were very young an has been an outstanding step mom to them in every aspect an then some , also im well aware of our being physical with each other is an was completely wrong especially on my end seeing how im the man in the situation I just didn't know how to respond correctly with words rather then hands . Honestly im not to sure as to what I expect from the situation or what keeps me here I think its fear of change from what I an my kids know , we have bought a house together a new car for her we both make good money even apart an togetherwe make ggreat money but that's it

 

 

 

So what is it that you want to do?

Trotters Established Member

Trotters

Posted
Posted
I just wanna say thanks for everyone's advice thus far

 

Also well I cant say I dont love her cause I do she came into my life while my kids were very young an has been an outstanding step mom to them in every aspect an then some , also im well aware of our being physical with each other is an was completely wrong especially on my end seeing how im the man in the situation I just didn't know how to respond correctly with words rather then hands . Honestly im not to sure as to what I expect from the situation or what keeps me here I think its fear of change from what I an my kids know , we have bought a house together a new car for her we both make good money even apart an togetherwe make ggreat money but that's it

But is a car & a house gonna make you happy?.

fellini Established Member

fellini

Posted
Posted

You have a car, a house, good income, and a good step mom for the kids. What has any of those things got to do with a genuine loving relationship between the two of you?

 

Saying you use your hands to solve arguments rather than words doesn't cut it.

 

Just what is it you are trying to save in this crumbled marriage?

 

Do you have a strong wonderful memory of the two of you happy and thinking this is what you WANT? This is the person I see myself with for the rest of my life?

  • Author
knhtinblackarmor Member

knhtinblackarmor

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You have a car, a house, good income, and a good step mom for the kids. What has any of those things got to do with a genuine loving relationship between the two of you?

 

Saying you use your hands to solve arguments rather than words doesn't cut it.

 

Just what is it you are trying to save in this crumbled marriage?

 

Do you have a strong wonderful memory of the two of you happy and thinking this is what you WANT? This is the person I see myself with for the rest of my life?

 

I know it doesn't cut it an it wasn't ok to do , also the materialistic stuff isn't a big deal to me I can easily recover all in time , an I do want a loving happy relationship where I feel happy and appreciated , I kinda feel like I've been avoiding my true feelings in order for the kids to be happy , I do feel proud of my wife as she has built up her career but im ashamed for what she to me , I somewhat have problems trying to put my feelings into words

Oberfeldwebel Established Member

Oberfeldwebel

Posted
Posted

Some people readily reconcile and willing to move on, while others are not. It is not so much good or bad, it just us as humans. If you truly cannot get over this, then sit down with your wife and work out an amicable settlement and move on with life. If you still want to try, then I recommend professional counseling, I don't see you two being able to do this on your own. Bottom line, be honest with her and yourself and move forward one way or the other. Best of luck to you and your family.

  • Like 2
  • Author
knhtinblackarmor Member

knhtinblackarmor

Posted
  • Author
Posted
But is a car & a house gonna make you happy?.

 

I can honestly say it hasnt

mrs rubble Established Member

mrs rubble

Posted
Posted

You say there were many ups and downs before she cheated after 2 years together. From my experience in bad relationships, if you're having too many downs right from the word go, it ain't going to get much better. Ever.

The cheating (in your case) just makes it even worse.

harrybrown Established Member

harrybrown

Posted
Posted

Have you both had MC?

 

If you had the A what would she do? You told her and she did not listen then.

 

If none of the kids are hers, she is not remorseful.

 

Marriage is hard work.

 

You can't fix it by yourself.

 

Do the 180 and file.

  • Author
knhtinblackarmor Member

knhtinblackarmor

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Have you both had MC?

 

If you had the A what would she do? You told her and she did not listen then.

 

If none of the kids are hers, she is not remorseful.

 

Marriage is hard work.

 

You can't fix it by yourself.

 

Do the 180 and file.

 

We have had no counseling at all, also if I had did it im sure would've divorced me , an yes i did tell her in the beginning where it I felt it was going she ignored me an said maybe I needed some competition wtf?

ascendotum Established Member

ascendotum

Posted
Posted
She has apologized and swears it would never happen again, but I don't trust her, there's no trust. There's so much more to this story, we had a history of us putting our hands on each other. Our relationship was not good, but it's no excuse to cheat and if it was that bad, why didn't she just leave me completely?? I don't know where to go with this. Its' been a good amount of time, I thought I would have forgotten now but it only eats me inside more.

 

I can be forgiving of cheating but would find it hard in your scenario. Its not like it was a spur of the moment thing, nor was she operating in some delusional love struck state of mind, nor lonely because you hadn't had sex in months. You caught on to her inappropriate behavior and warned her. she ignored you plus also got annoyed you did not trust her and looked in your face and said to trust her she knows what she's doing. To me that sort of up front reassurance is worse than a concocted lie subsequent to the cheating to cover her tracks. It means she can never look you in the eye and say trust me ever again, because you've been there before and know it bit you on the arse when you did.

 

Another aspect that would put me off is the opportunistic nature of the cheating. You have a fight and go off elsewhere to cool off and bam, she's over at this other dudes place. It would leave me with the feeling that you could not spend anytime away from her nor have have another big argument with her and relive that time and wonder if she will maybe again go seek solace in bonking another guy friend. Lastly her not being remorseful over what she did just to me means there is good chance her mind won't trip into guilt mode and help prevent her from cheating again in the future. Sleeping with a swag of guys during your split wouldn't help reassure me either that she doesn't love the thrill of some new cock either.

 

It seems the love for her is sill strong. Was she really that special otherwise that you don't think you could find another woman that would be as good (sex appeal+personality+nature)?

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