Head vs heart battle aaaarrrggghhhh

[welshbambi]

OK so I fell in love earlier this year. Thought he was my soulmate (full story in another thread). He came with a lot of baggage, one of which was clinical depression. It didn;t phase me, I was confident that I could support him through depressive episodes when they came about.

 

He finished it a month ago, following 2 depressed months, with barely an explanation, four days after I took him away on a holiday during which we were happier together than we had been over the last 2 months, and I haven't heard from him since. He has been actively pursuing and sleeping with other women since we split up. Painful, but not unexpected given what I had learned about him.

 

So two things have happened over the last couple of days.

 

Thanks to another post by Invictus1 and some links he provided, I have realised my ex is a narcissistic sociopath - all of the traits and common behaviours are exactly what happened with us. Even down to common phrases an N/S will use to hook their targets. I also meet the exact criteria for the target an N/S will go for. Whilst weird, it has finally given me the "why" we broke up when for me we really were soulmates and had no doubt we would get through this rough patch. No, I was simply a way to feed his narcissistic needs and nothing more, which is why he has been able to completely detach - I can no longer provide that same level of ego boost and narcissistic supply. Plus, I think he realised that I was starting to piece things together and would have "found him out".

 

Anyway. That was great and I felt liberated and validated, weirdly enough. I was not the problem, his brain was.

 

Feeling empowered I STUPIDLY checked his blog. He has re-blogged an article for 10 Ways to Help Someone with Depression, and a post himself about just wanting someone to sprawl over on the couch with and quietly read books together with - something we did together all. The. Time. So my heart is now going "It's a sign! It's a sign! He's reaching out!" and then another voice is saying "But you did pretty much all those 10 things and he still pushed you away!" and then my heart goes "But he's starting to miss you, he;s directly referencing something you did together!"

 

And then head goes "it;s not you he misses, it's the ego boost and security he misses"

 

So I have slightly broken NC and this is the result. I'm not mad at myself because if my very loose and unlikely theory is right, then it's kind of a ha ha for me that he is realising what he lost. But on the other hand, the last piece of my heart that still believes it was all real (despite hard psychology facts, as presented in the link below, saying otherwise) is desperate to give myself back to being made to feel how he made me feel.

 

So I am on here because so far this forum has given me amazing strength and perspective I was lacking before. So come on everyone! Make sure I don;t make an ass of myself when I have come so far!! Brownie points for anyone that can make me laugh.

 

Anyone interested in narcissistic sociopaths can read this site for an overview:Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath | Love?Life?OM

Please note, when reading the "standard statements" commonly used by N/S, it does not mean everyone who says these things is the same! These were ALL, every single one, said to me within the first month, some even the first two weeks, of us meeting. So don't panic and think everyone that said these things didn;t mean them - feelings can change over time so please don;t beat yourselves up that you weren't loved because 99% of the time you were

Edited December 28, 2014 by welshbambi
Abysmal spelling and sentence structure/grammar

[Ieris]

Haha this is interesting, I dated one who also said he was depressed, tough upbringing, never been loved blah blah which made me take a soft approach with him. He was also a chronic liar but unfortunately for him i have a pretty good memory so when his answers differ or don't add up i call him out on it. When he got caught lying he would carry on lying, thinking he can lie his way out of it... It was so funny to watch him squirm...

 

He hated being "figured out", i remember looking into his eyes once and said "I know" and he got all defensive. My one couldn't read me which really winded him up. Also when you catch them off guard once in a while it ruins their game plan. When he got aggressive, I go soft. When he acts sweet, I play cold and ask "did you do something wrong?". I had to shower him with compliments though just to pull him back in and make him feel important.

 

If you spot one early, you can play pretend with them and beat them at their own game. The trick is to play dumb and let them think you've fallen into their trap, but if you're an easy prey they'll lose interest very quickly so you have to be a little unpredictable at times.

 

Thats just my experience and I know its childish but this was a long time ago. It's a shame because if he wasn't so messed up, I would have loved him to bits...

[Invictus01]

Glad I could help. Walk away and don't look back. Toying with those "beings" is pointless. He will f@ck over every single person in his life 'cause that's what they do. He never cared about you, never will. At least not the way any normal human would.

[welshbambi]

Ieris, he definitely didn't like it when I caught him out or subtley second-guessed him on something he said (because sometimes I knew they were outright lies). I am actually a very intelligent person, I am highly intuitive and I have a high degree of emotional intelligence and perception as well. For some reason though, I always played that down. I don't know why - perhaps on some level, because I had been lied to and cheated before him, it was my only defence mechanism. Initially this was not an issue but once a few strange things came to light and I asked him about them, I think that kicked in big time. Caveat empor - with regard to my claims to intuition, intelligence and perception, I actively CHOSE to ignore the red flags because unfortunately I also believe in "true love" and had rose tinted spectacles welded to my face.

 

Invictus01 - I absolutely am walking away. I may be dragging one heel slightly but each time I feel weak I come on here or I read those articles on NS'. It reminds me that I am not dealing with a normal human being, I am dealing with, as you say, a mere being.

[Ieris]

welshbambi - I think it is like dealing with a con artist, sometimes some things seem too good to be true but lots of people ignore the red flags because they want to believe it is real.

 

I don't think people fall for them because they are gullible, these people just blend right in, it can be hard to tell and sometimes you're already involved with them by the time you figure things out.

 

The good thing is if you've been conned once, you are less likely to be conned twice so the positive thing to all this is, you've learnt a valuable lesson.

[Adales910]

I honestly believe I dated the same person you did except a female. Props for you to holding your ground. Do not let up! I am on day 3 of NC and already ignored her poor attempt at breadcrumbs. You have to realize it is always about them and their miserable lives and they will suck you down with them. Start your new year fresh and without the toxicity. We are all here to support you

[Invictus01]

Ieris, he definitely didn't like it when I caught him out or subtley second-guessed him on something he said (because sometimes I knew they were outright lies). I am actually a very intelligent person, I am highly intuitive and I have a high degree of emotional intelligence and perception as well. For some reason though, I always played that down. I don't know why - perhaps on some level, because I had been lied to and cheated before him, it was my only defence mechanism. Initially this was not an issue but once a few strange things came to light and I asked him about them, I think that kicked in big time. Caveat empor - with regard to my claims to intuition, intelligence and perception, I actively CHOSE to ignore the red flags because unfortunately I also believe in "true love" and had rose tinted spectacles welded to my face.

 

Invictus01 - I absolutely am walking away. I may be dragging one heel slightly but each time I feel weak I come on here or I read those articles on NS'. It reminds me that I am not dealing with a normal human being, I am dealing with, as you say, a mere being.

 

They tend to pick people who will make it a bigger "win" for them to bring down, especially female ones. Everything is about winning and if they can pick a juicer target and bring him down to his knees, the more satisfaction (or "supply") they get. Empathetic kind people are like a $300 steak dinner for them. If you can sprinkle some good looks, money, intelligence, etc on top of it, even better!

 

They tend to bail when they sense that you are catching onto them. My girlie decided the game was up after she put me through about two weeks of weird ass behavior (probably screwing around with her new supply) I never saw before from her. At some point of time I couldn't take it anymore and gently asked her to tell me wtf was going on. That's when I didn't hear from her for a day and a half then became her buddy over night and she disappeared.

 

What you have to remember is that it's no just love life they can f@ck you over in. It is anywhere! I think back and I am 100% certain my former boss was one of them. It was so bizarre. She got promoted 3 times in a year to a director level position in a Forture 500 company without knowing anything about the subject she was supposed to manage, yet her bosses loved her for some reason. She would be beyond mean to people she managed but nobody cared. She would go through a picture perfect sociopath cycle with people - bring them in as a shiny star (idolization), start spreading lies about that person (devalue), move the person off the team/fire (discard). I saw a guy within 10 months going through this cycle - from a star to fired. I was on my way too through the devalue cycle (because I wouldn't put up with her bull$hit), but I quit. And left the company with the most honest exit interview in the history of the corporate America. So brutally honest that her boss refused to show it to that psycho

 

Anyway, the point of all this is that after you educate yourself on this topic, you will be so much better off in any aspect of your life. Unfortunately, most people won't even start looking until they have a reason for it.

Edited December 29, 2014 by Invictus01

[welshbambi]

Invictus my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder but it's very different from the above. It's far less subtle. They just come off as weird and demanding rather than wolves in sheeps clothing as we have both been oh so lucky to find!!! I thought I would spot someone with narcissistic tendencies a mile off. Unfortunately I never read up on sociopathic tendencies that can overlap.........

 

What I do worry about for you though, and please take this in the gentle and "high five" way it is meant, but don't let this cloud your belief that there are still good people out there. Some people will "just" be ruthless and some people will "just" be aholes because they can be. Not everyone will be wearing a disguise to screw you over. Don't let the bitch do that to you!

 

I am just going to use my experience to screen people more wisely. Keep the pace of things slower, ask more questions, challenge them on subjects they have in common. It doesn;t have to be confrontational but I will take more time to figure them out rather than taking it all on face value as I did before. And also, another thing - if someone is too agreeable, it could be a flag. If you say something that could be considered rude or offensive and they don't call you out on it, that to me would be someone too eager to please for some reason. I would want to establish whether that was because they were another NS or if they were just low on confidence.

[Invictus01]

Invictus my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder but it's very different from the above. It's far less subtle. They just come off as weird and demanding rather than wolves in sheeps clothing as we have both been oh so lucky to find!!! I thought I would spot someone with narcissistic tendencies a mile off. Unfortunately I never read up on sociopathic tendencies that can overlap.........

 

What I do worry about for you though, and please take this in the gentle and "high five" way it is meant, but don't let this cloud your belief that there are still good people out there. Some people will "just" be ruthless and some people will "just" be aholes because they can be. Not everyone will be wearing a disguise to screw you over. Don't let the bitch do that to you!

 

I am just going to use my experience to screen people more wisely. Keep the pace of things slower, ask more questions, challenge them on subjects they have in common. It doesn;t have to be confrontational but I will take more time to figure them out rather than taking it all on face value as I did before. And also, another thing - if someone is too agreeable, it could be a flag. If you say something that could be considered rude or offensive and they don't call you out on it, that to me would be someone too eager to please for some reason. I would want to establish whether that was because they were another NS or if they were just low on confidence.

 

I will try very hard to get back to normal as much as possible but a few weeks out, it is kind of tough to imagine. She still got lots of power over me. Her Merry Christmas message showed me just how much she still controls me. But not enough to get a response from me

 

In retrospect, I missed so many red flags, it was laughable. Not even flags, gigantic pieces of red cloth flying in the air. Of course when you are in the middle of it, it is easy to explain away things. Why can't she stop talking about herself all the time, yet you can see that she has issues with self esteem? Don't worry, she is just young and tries to fit in with older people she is surrounded by. Why is everything in her life out of whack and everybody is trying to go after her and get her down??? Oh, my poor girl, I just need to support her and tell her how awesome she is and other people just don't see it. And on and on and on. Just laughable looking back at it. Never again will I make excuses and explain away weird stuff. I will make her explain it away, just to see if she can.

[welshbambi]

My red flags were finding things out about his recent past that he had omitted or made out were completely different. I wrote it off as he was ashamed of it but in hindsight, my question to myself should actually have been what does that activity say about his capabilities for hurting and using me? Other stuff kept popping up and I was starting to form a different picture of him in my head but I never gave it away. If I did it would mean I would have to face up to the fact it would be better for me to leave him. But man, I was ADDICTED to him. Even now, I think about the sex and OH MY GOD COME BACK COME BACK COME BACK. But I think that's all I'm missing now.

 

I've been seeing a therapist as well because I recognised that there must have been something missing in me that would allow my normal, rational, sometimes cynical self to be so quickly drawn in. I think that has helped me progress a lot faster than if I had tried to go it alone.

 

 

As it happens, I am going on a second date with someone tomorrow. He has been complimentary but not gushing. If I am honest if feels a little flat after the intense headiness I had with my ex, but I keep reminding myself that whilst extremely flattering it's also unhealthy and unnatural. I have been honest with date guy about the ex and what he was like. I'm like that - I kinda go "here's all my crazy in matter of fact form" and then if they run, well, they're too easily spooked I suppose I'm subtly saying I won't take any **** if I find it, without actually saying it. He has been cool with it. Not too interested in what happened, not put off, just "OK cool, sounds crappy, his loss my gain" sorta responses. It's nice and although not feeling that heady rush I did before, I am enjoying getting to know him.

[Invictus01]

 

I've been seeing a therapist as well because I recognised that there must have been something missing in me that would allow my normal, rational, sometimes cynical self to be so quickly drawn in. I think that has helped me progress a lot faster than if I had tried to go it alone.

 

 

As it happens, I am going on a second date with someone tomorrow. He has been complimentary but not gushing. If I am honest if feels a little flat after the intense headiness I had with my ex, but I keep reminding myself that whilst extremely flattering it's also unhealthy and unnatural. I have been honest with date guy about the ex and what he was like. I'm like that - I kinda go "here's all my crazy in matter of fact form" and then if they run, well, they're too easily spooked I suppose I'm subtly saying I won't take any **** if I find it, without actually saying it. He has been cool with it. Not too interested in what happened, not put off, just "OK cool, sounds crappy, his loss my gain" sorta responses. It's nice and although not feeling that heady rush I did before, I am enjoying getting to know him.

 

I know what and why this happened to me. 9 out of 10 first dates I go to, I don't feel too much of a spark. I find it hard to date somebody when it feels like I don't care. What's the point? I don't need somebody in my life just for the hell of it. I am perfectly capable of entertaining and taking care of myself. With this one though... it wasn't just a spark from the second we met and I wasn't even looking for it. It was a wildfire. An atomic bomb explosion. In retrospect, not knowing who she is, I told her way too much and way too soon about myself and she immediately became everything I told her.

 

Just a friendly advice - be careful with that new guy. You probably aren't healed yet from dealing with the crazy. Don't make that guy the collateral damage, he probably had no idea what kind of crazy mind game you just went through.

[welshbambi]

I know what and why this happened to me. 9 out of 10 first dates I go to, I don't feel too much of a spark. I find it hard to date somebody when it feels like I don't care. What's the point? I don't need somebody in my life just for the hell of it. I am perfectly capable of entertaining and taking care of myself. With this one though... it wasn't just a spark from the second we met and I wasn't even looking for it. It was a wildfire. An atomic bomb explosion. In retrospect, not knowing who she is, I told her way too much and way too soon about myself and she immediately became everything I told her.

 

Just a friendly advice - be careful with that new guy. You probably aren't healed yet from dealing with the crazy. Don't make that guy the collateral damage, he probably had no idea what kind of crazy mind game you just went through.

 

I've told him about it actually - we have talked about a lot of stuff and I have also said that I am not looking to rush into anything, at the moment I am just dipping my toe in the water. He is perfectly OK with that. He studies in Ireland so that kind of makes it be so anyway. We have both agreed that right now all both of us is looking for is some pleasant company from the opposite sex.

 

But I completely hear what you are saying and I agree. I have been very mindful about not wanting to engage a rebound, and he deserves better than that. So I have been honest about my situation, been very clear about my expectations and what I currently want to get out of it, and it's just very straightforward.

[ballycastle]

welshbambi - I think it is like dealing with a con artist, sometimes some things seem too good to be true but lots of people ignore the red flags because they want to believe it is real.

 

I don't think people fall for them because they are gullible, these people just blend right in, it can be hard to tell and sometimes you're already involved with them by the time you figure things out.

 

The good thing is if you've been conned once, you are less likely to be conned twice so the positive thing to all this is, you've learnt a valuable lesson.

 

Actually I did, two in a row, 2 breakups in 2 years. Thought I had studied enough about these people. With the second one were friends before, he told me when my first ex broke it off that my first ex was " an idiot for letting someone as intelligent and charming let me go", At the beginning like all of the posts he looked after me like no man could, said all the right things, and Oh My God, someone wants to actually marry me!

 

Then 3 months later, he slowly fades. Devastated beyond belief is an understatement. There must be something so wrong with me to think that I would ever have a decent relationship with anyone after 12 years of one relationship after another failing.

 

What I am saying, you can continue to be conned and duped, thinking and trusting what people say. I must really hate myself to keep on letting people hurt me.

 

I believe, it will take me years if at all to get over. All I can do is try to live my life without feeling every day I am a failure. In a few years I'll be 50 so it will be too late by then as people don't change as they get older, just get worse.

 

And please no one say I'll meet anyone else....please. Everyone always seems to think life has happy endings.

[whatitdo]

Bambi....

Maybe I am wrong here... I never pretend to be right about everything. But I must say that you shuldnt close yourself off to what could be in front of you either. Rebound is bad, I think we can all agree on that. But in my situation that we spoke of before I was not looking for anything at all. we were just friends from school, the more we hung out the more fun we had. It slowly, actually quickly developed into what it is today. granted you had to deal with a lot from the other guy, but you never know what the future holds.

[Ieris]

Actually I did, two in a row, 2 breakups in 2 years. Thought I had studied enough about these people. With the second one were friends before, he told me when my first ex broke it off that my first ex was " an idiot for letting someone as intelligent and charming let me go", At the beginning like all of the posts he looked after me like no man could, said all the right things, and Oh My God, someone wants to actually marry me!

 

Then 3 months later, he slowly fades. Devastated beyond belief is an understatement. There must be something so wrong with me to think that I would ever have a decent relationship with anyone after 12 years of one relationship after another failing.

 

What I am saying, you can continue to be conned and duped, thinking and trusting what people say. I must really hate myself to keep on letting people hurt me.

 

I believe, it will take me years if at all to get over. All I can do is try to live my life without feeling every day I am a failure. In a few years I'll be 50 so it will be too late by then as people don't change as they get older, just get worse.

 

And please no one say I'll meet anyone else....please. Everyone always seems to think life has happy endings.

 

That sucks! The second one really slipped in there when you was vulnerable from the first break up... How bloody sly!

 

What's funny is when you meet someone new, they always say they hate cheaters, liars, this and that.. How they don't understand people like that then they become one themselves?! At the end of the day words are just words. Judge them by their actions.. Not their words.

[welshbambi]

To be fair, I don't think anyone would admit to liking or being a cheater if they were trying to make a good impression

 

Whatitdo I agree with what you say. Although if is relatively soon it's not necessarily a rebound. If I take it slow and see what happens then indeed it could grow into something wonderful.

 

We met yesterday and talked for 5 hours about the universe, creationism vs evolution, my spiritual beliefs, all sorts. It was lovely. The chemistry isn't strong for me but I am aware that 1. Compared to the ex nothing would come close and 2. I am being a little more cautious. We're seeing eachother again friday, and I'm looking forward to it.

[Invictus01]

To be fair, I don't think anyone would admit to liking or being a cheater if they were trying to make a good impression

 

Whatitdo I agree with what you say. Although if is relatively soon it's not necessarily a rebound. If I take it slow and see what happens then indeed it could grow into something wonderful.

 

We met yesterday and talked for 5 hours about the universe, creationism vs evolution, my spiritual beliefs, all sorts. It was lovely. The chemistry isn't strong for me but I am aware that 1. Compared to the ex nothing would come close and 2. I am being a little more cautious. We're seeing eachother again friday, and I'm looking forward to it.

 

I often wonder what it would be like to date after her. I mean, meeting women has never been a problem for me, but at least in the short term, how do I not compare any other dating experience to what I just went through? It is so damn unfair to the other person too...

[batt]

A couple of people on here and elsewhere have said maybe my ex has antisocial personality disorder. She has no friends, how every bf has cheated on her, how she has never had a stable relationship. I generally don't share my love life with my family, but the first question was is she on medication because she cut herself and has this huge burn scar on her arm.

 

I told them of how she was in a mental ward, after she found out a bf had cheated on her. I have never dealt with anyone that was in a mental ward before. I was thinking ok people handle stress in different ways, its nothing. Its ironic that I took her on a date to a comedy club, and one of the topics was a mental ward, and this was the night that we were the closest. Probably because I told her, I'm sorry for the things that shes had to go through in life, namely being raped by her father at a young age. I just wanted to be supportive. She always talked about how nice she is, how people take advantage of her, how she lets a lot of things slide before boundaries are cross. I always told her to please inform me if I ever do anything to bother her or make her uncomfortable and I would stop whatever it was. I don't know how her mind works, I dont know what triggers set her off. Not once did she let me know I was making her uncomfortable.

 

Some days she was very interested, other days she was distant. It always seemed like I put more into the relationship than her. Fast forward, eventually she tells me she got a hotel and wants me to stay. In my mind I thought she wanted to take it to the next level. If nothing was going to happen I was ok with that. The first night she was fine, we didn't do anything. She showed me that impulsive side to her that she said she does from time to time, but said dont worry because its not as bad as it sounds. I found that out when I was trying to move her computer and exit out of a program. Suddently she screams at me and says if I break it I'm buying her a new one. That reaction came out of no where, and I was thinking are you ****ing kidding me? Next day she completely cuts me off, and does nothing but play video games on her stupid computer. Eventually I try to initiate things, I see she doesn't want to, so I stop. Afterwards, I tell her I'm sorry that maybe I was going too fast for her. She tells me, she earned a nickname of Mistress Mindfck back in high school. I told her she needs to communicate with people more because people don't know these things. I also I told her dont play mind games because I hate people who play mind games.

Next few days shes even more distant, then blindsides me with a BU. Says things like because she doesn't have her own place, and blah blah blah. Said she wasnt thinking about sex and that when a guy thinks of sex its a major turn off. I ask her then why did she say and ask me some of the things she said and asked. She said she doesn't know why and that shes sorry. Says she needs to grow up and that I dont understand.

 

 

So I finally sent her flowers to apologize for how I reacted. She basically told me to get lost. So I got angry, and said she needs to learn how to communicate to people like adults, ending it while on the computer and not in person is childish, I should have took her advice about her personality, and to enjoy life being miserable and having no ambition to change it. I could have said more but I already felt guilty about saying that a day after I sent it.

[welshbambi]

It does sound like she has a personality disorder of some sort, though I am not a psychiatrist and without knowing her well I couldn't possibly comment.

 

The problem with it is that we can be as understanding and patient as humanly possible- if ground rules have not been set between a couple on how depressive/MI episodes should be handled, and that person is not at a point in their treatment/recovery where they actively want to work on stopping it from dominating their life, then there is very little that can be done by outside parties.

 

When I was in the relationship with my ex, he had told me from the off he suffered from depression. As mentioned before, I felt totally equipped to handle this - I was emotionally stable and am not a judgmental person. I did research on the condition so I could understand it as much as possible, as well as ways that I might be able to support him in bad times.

 

However, when he started to slide, what I wasn't prepared for was him cutting me off. He didn't WANT me to be there to support him. He WANTED to retreat into his shell.

 

Now I believe that actually it was not clinical depression but instead he was experiencing a type of withdrawal (similar to any addiction) because I no longer provided that same level of narcissistic supply I had been able to give before. I don;t think he realises that himself - he mistakes it for depression and that is why his meds continue not to work for him. He is so good at telling lies and creating stories that his doctor and therapist are so readily able to believe it is "just depression".

 

The bottom line is that it doesn;t matter how much you are willing to do for another person, if they have mental illness then they are often battling many confusing thoughts and emotions. Often this will alter their perception of reality and of themselves which causes them to push people away. The tricky bit is knowing whether or not to stick with it in whichever way you can and hope that it is "just the depression talking". If it isn't, and they genuinely don't want you there, then you just add to their problems and also make yourself look stupid in the process (even though your intentions are with love and honour).

 

It's a real coin toss as to what it could really be. My advice? Do what you need to do to save yourself. It sounds so cruel and I really don't mean that in a nasty way - I am proactive in fighting the stigmas that come with having a mental health issue. But I am no good to anyone if I am drawn into a poor state of mind myself.

 

It's meaningless when you want someone back soooo badly, but please trust in "what will be will be". In the meantime, look after your body and mind so that you do not become broken as well.

[batt]

It does sound like she has a personality disorder of some sort, though I am not a psychiatrist and without knowing her well I couldn't possibly comment.

 

The problem with it is that we can be as understanding and patient as humanly possible- if ground rules have not been set between a couple on how depressive/MI episodes should be handled, and that person is not at a point in their treatment/recovery where they actively want to work on stopping it from dominating their life, then there is very little that can be done by outside parties.

 

When I was in the relationship with my ex, he had told me from the off he suffered from depression. As mentioned before, I felt totally equipped to handle this - I was emotionally stable and am not a judgmental person. I did research on the condition so I could understand it as much as possible, as well as ways that I might be able to support him in bad times.

 

However, when he started to slide, what I wasn't prepared for was him cutting me off. He didn't WANT me to be there to support him. He WANTED to retreat into his shell.

 

Now I believe that actually it was not clinical depression but instead he was experiencing a type of withdrawal (similar to any addiction) because I no longer provided that same level of narcissistic supply I had been able to give before. I don;t think he realises that himself - he mistakes it for depression and that is why his meds continue not to work for him. He is so good at telling lies and creating stories that his doctor and therapist are so readily able to believe it is "just depression".

 

The bottom line is that it doesn;t matter how much you are willing to do for another person, if they have mental illness then they are often battling many confusing thoughts and emotions. Often this will alter their perception of reality and of themselves which causes them to push people away. The tricky bit is knowing whether or not to stick with it in whichever way you can and hope that it is "just the depression talking". If it isn't, and they genuinely don't want you there, then you just add to their problems and also make yourself look stupid in the process (even though your intentions are with love and honour).

 

It's a real coin toss as to what it could really be. My advice? Do what you need to do to save yourself. It sounds so cruel and I really don't mean that in a nasty way - I am proactive in fighting the stigmas that come with having a mental health issue. But I am no good to anyone if I am drawn into a poor state of mind myself.

 

It's meaningless when you want someone back soooo badly, but please trust in "what will be will be". In the meantime, look after your body and mind so that you do not become broken as well.

 

I completely understand what you're saying. The thing is she never gave any ground rules even after I told her before we started dating that she needs to speak up about these things. The people we associated with have always told her she needs to speak up if someone is saying or doing things to upset her. A friend said that her mindset isn't conducive for a relationship, because of how she acts, she would rather just blame everyone else instead of looking at her own actions.

 

She would always talk about how unattractive she thought she was, how she would just want people to disappear from her life, or how she would be glad if she went off to a far away place and people forgot about her. I was always there to tell her to stop thinking so lowly of herself and that shes a wonderful and beautiful person. Then that all blew up in my face and its left me thinking what could I have done better in the relationship, while she probably couldn't give a **** about how I feel. I guess as my friend said it's really a case of needing to purge what happened with her out of my mind, knowing that I think it was my fault but it wasn't and that I did everything I could. The way she broke it off pretty much set the tone

[welshbambi]

Trust me when I say there was nothing more or less or different that you could have done. Don't take this the wrong way, but this is nothing to do with you. Yes, I know you were in the relationship too, but actually her condition was a third person that won out.

 

Don;t lose sight of how much you cared - that says so much more about you in a good way that it does about her. You need to keep a connection with that part of you and nurture it in other ways. Be kind to yourself, think of things you have always wanted to do and start finding ways to do them. I have started a 2015 list for myself - this includes books I want to read and haven't yet, going to see the Northern Lights in Norway, getting my back piece tattoo, go horseriding. Nothing stopped me before but now that I have nothing to focus on but me, well it just makes sense to do things that just me wants!

 

When you are feeling stronger, maybe volunteer somewhere as well, be it a community project or even just organising a games hour at an old folks home.

 

It will take some time to stop asking why and beating yourself up for thinking you could have done better. But honestly, you did what you thought was right. There is no blueprint for what to do in these situations and even if there was, there is no guarantee that would work anyway.

 

Please, start thinking about YOU now. Not withstanding getting her back, what do YOU want to do today?

[batt]

That helped a lot, thank you. My family said the same thing, that it probably had nothing to do with me. Either way, I've gone back to the gym and joined a MMA academy(something I never thought I would do). Just the thought of what could I have done differently was killing me. New year, new car, new job, new me. Thanks welshbambi

[welshbambi]

No need to thank me batt. You can have all the advice in the world, only you can decide if and what you are going to do with it. Here's to you finding some kind of ninja soulmate though MMA

[Invictus01]

She would always talk about how unattractive she thought she was, how she would just want people to disappear from her life, or how she would be glad if she went off to a far away place and people forgot about her. I was always there to tell her to stop thinking so lowly of herself and that shes a wonderful and beautiful person. Then that all blew up in my face and its left me thinking what could I have done better in the relationship, while she probably couldn't give a **** about how I feel. I guess as my friend said it's really a case of needing to purge what happened with her out of my mind, knowing that I think it was my fault but it wasn't and that I did everything I could. The way she broke it off pretty much set the tone

 

Pity play.

 

Check this out - The pity play : Lovefraud.com ? sociopaths, psychopaths, antisocials, con artists, bigamists

[welshbambi]

Ok careful here Invictus. Remember I am on the same page as you but that does not mean every person who ever dumped someone is a sociopath or similar.

 

From what batt had described it seems to be a mental heath disorder rooted in depression. Low self esteem and self doubt is a common symptom. It can be so powerful that sufferers genuinEly believe this is true like they have been taken over by these thoughts. It is not a pity play, it is so far from that. I spent a lot of time researching and talking to MI sufferers to get a better understanding and I would.not trade places with them for the world. When it grips you it is like the voice of Oz booming around your head telling you how worthless you are. It's not black and white at all.

 

Don't lose sight of your own empathy because you met someone who had none. And beware of tarring everyone with the same brush.

 

Now have a cuddle because I like you.