I (27/M) snooped on my girlfriend (25/F). Can't tell if I found something or nothing?

[ThrowawayName]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible to avoid a wall of text. But in order for me to do that, I need to skip all the stuff where I admit that I am (also?) in the wrong for snooping on my GF. I understand it is unethical and probably telling of a larger problem.

 

Anyway...

 

We have been dating for almost a year. We used to fight a lot but we've both taken positive steps towards understanding each other's perspectives. Our most recent fight was during Halloween and it led to us not contacting each other for 5 days.

 

Fast forward to last week, I am using her laptop for Netflix and I realize her email is still open. I snooped (see first paragraph!) and found an email she sent to a guy I have never heard of. It simply said:

 

"Sooo, last night was fun. I still don't think I fully understand The Walking Dead."

 

That was it. That was the whole email. She sent this during the five day "no contact" time I mentioned above from our last big fight.

 

There were a few other emails exchanged between them but they were mostly about sports. Nothing as sketchy as the one I just posted above.

 

Is this something? Nothing? If I ask her about it I will have to come clean about snooping. But if she cheated on me, the relationship would be over regardless.

 

Any advice? Suggestions?

[Gloria25]

Sorry, but IMO, the e-mail says nothing.

 

For all you know she just went and caught a movie with someone.

 

Now, you say they have e-mails back and forth about sports? Well, how long have these e-mails going on? Were they during the NC week?

 

Look, if someone is really cheating, they won't be able to hide it forever. Some say that God brings everything to light, even if it's a death-bed confession.

 

IMO, the more time you spend with someone, the more you learn about them and if they start creeping, you'll figure it out one day. No need to run around with paranoia.

[ThrowawayName]

I am glad that you think it means nothing. That makes me realize how much I might be overreacting.

 

Yes, the emails were all mostly sent in the month of November, during and right after our few days of NC.

 

I didn't think she was continually cheating on me, but was suspicious that something may have happened one night while we were fighting.

 

Thank you!

[Jules Dash]

You have nothing. Consider yourself lucky. When you snoop, you almost always will finf something to twist your mind into a torturous ball. It's not worth it. You got off ok this time but I wouldn't press my luck unless you want your mind to hurt for a long time.

[michellew]

For all you know she just went and caught a movie with someone.

 

The Walking Dead is not a movie, it's a series you can only watch from home. I can understand why you'd be uncomfortable with your girlfriend having a Netflix binge with another man during your NC. However, he could just be a friend. I do find it odd though that she would email a friend to say, "Sooo last night was fun...".

[Jules Dash]

I do find it odd though that she would email a friend to say, "Sooo last night was fun...".

 

 

And a here we go...good point though but the anxiety seed has really been planted now.

[preraph]

For all you know, they emailed that evening talking about zombie movies. You got nothin.

[almond]

I dunno. If my bf and I were fighting badly enough to not speak for five days, and I then found out that he had met or at least been emailing ("last night was fun") a girl I'd never heard of to watch a series with her...we'd certainly have a lot to talk about. I'm far from insecure also, as far as I can tell. But this just isn't acceptable behaviour, especially since it was never disclosed, and he had to find out by snooping.

 

She didn't mention this to you at all? She sent him a follow up email?

 

I think you guys have some talking to do.

 

I've seen a lot of people on here suggest others stay quiet and start snooping more to uncover any cheating...but I think this would drive me mad.

 

I'd be honest. Tell her you want to fix things. Tell her you snooped, and that you're insecure in the relationship. Ask her what the email meant.

 

Hopefully you two can agree that there is work to be done, and you both sign up for it. And I hope there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for the email.

 

If the chat doesn't go well, you don't get a good explanation etc. I'd be moving on. You guys definitely have some issues, and if they are unable to be sorted out, I would not continue with it.

[michellew]

And a here we go...good point though but the anxiety seed has really been planted now.

 

I think it was planted long ago or he wouldn't have been snooping.

[Gloria25]

I dunno. If my bf and I were fighting badly enough to not speak for five days, and I then found out that he had met or at least been emailing ("last night was fun") a girl I'd never heard of to watch a series with her...we'd certainly have a lot to talk about. I'm far from insecure also, as far as I can tell. But this just isn't acceptable behaviour, especially since it was never disclosed, and he had to find out by snooping.

 

She didn't mention this to you at all? She sent him a follow up email?

 

I think you guys have some talking to do.

 

I've seen a lot of people on here suggest others stay quiet and start snooping more to uncover any cheating...but I think this would drive me mad.

 

I'd be honest. Tell her you want to fix things. Tell her you snooped, and that you're insecure in the relationship. Ask her what the email meant.

 

Hopefully you two can agree that there is work to be done, and you both sign up for it. And I hope there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for the email.

 

If the chat doesn't go well, you don't get a good explanation etc. I'd be moving on. You guys definitely have some issues, and if they are unable to be sorted out, I would not continue with it.

 

Why should the gf tell him anything if this guy probably means nothing?

 

I mean, both men and women get "hit on" (I'm not saying that's the case here) by people. Sometimes it's people at work or school, or somewhere they go on the regular.

 

I wouldn't burden my SO with a "nobody". Even "if" his gf was starting to form a connection with this guy, and after the 5 days of NC she realized she wants her bf, I say "no harm, no foul". No need to burden her bf with a "nobody".

[Gloria25]

The Walking Dead is not a movie, it's a series you can only watch from home. I can understand why you'd be uncomfortable with your girlfriend having a Netflix binge with another man during your NC. However, he could just be a friend. I do find it odd though that she would email a friend to say, "Sooo last night was fun...".

 

U duh, I KNOW what the Walking Dead is....

 

But I still meant to say that, during this week of NC, for all we know - she went to a movie with this guy. IMO, going to the movies/hanging out is more serious than back and forth e-mails about a TV series on AMC that is also son Netflix.

[kmoney85]

I have very strong feelings about the email snooping thing. Dont do it. You get half a story and things always seem way worse when you read an email and dont fully understand things. With that being said, the email you saw said nothing. I wouldnt worry - I would have sent that to any friend.

 

Stop reading her emails.

[KatZee]

... and probably telling of a larger problem.

 

Any advice? Suggestions?

 

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.

 

You've already started down the path of snooping. It's going to be hard for you to just NEVER do this again.

 

If you have reasons to snoop, it's already the beginning of the end.

 

No trust? No relationship.

[almond]

Why should the gf tell him anything if this guy probably means nothing?

 

I mean, both men and women get "hit on" (I'm not saying that's the case here) by people. Sometimes it's people at work or school, or somewhere they go on the regular.

 

I wouldn't burden my SO with a "nobody". Even "if" his gf was starting to form a connection with this guy, and after the 5 days of NC she realized she wants her bf, I say "no harm, no foul". No need to burden her bf with a "nobody".

 

 

The email implies that she has spent time with this guy - "last night was fun." Her boyfriend has never even heard of him. I for one, would find this slightly concerning. The evident lack of trust (him snooping), the fights that drag on for multiple days, and the fact that he now feels insecure as it appears she is communicating and possibly meeting up with men he has never heard of definitely warrants a conversation or two I would think.

 

I completely disagree with your last paragraph. I do not feel that it is in any way okay to make contact with a random guy while you're in a relationship, begin to "form a connection" with him, then just later "realize" you "want" your boyfriend. Then, just keep it all a secret and hop back to your boyfriend and pretend that none of that ever happened. You make this sound normal and acceptable. I feel very differently, and I believe that if such things are occurring in a relationship, that they should be discussed honestly and openly. Your "no harm no foul" policy re: making "connections" with single people of the opposite sex behind your partner's back is a bit shocking to me in all honesty :/

Edited December 28, 2014 by almond

[Winterina]

Ask her if she saw anyone and what was she up to during your NC period. If she said that she was not anywhere, then you have a red flag. Or start the conversation by asking her if she ever saw Walking Dead. Give her a chance to tell it to you. If it is nothing then there is nothing to hide. If she hides it from you, ask her about who that guy is... you will have to tell her you saw your email at this point, but it is not such a horrible thing in the spectrum of things that people do to each other.

[Tina747]

I would say let it go... It is looking for drama where there probably is none.