melancholy123 Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 So my boyfriend went to the movies a year ago with his ex-gf who he told me he had a very platonic relationship with. I was suspicious about who he went to the movies with and asked him a year ago and he said it was a male friend. Yesterday, however, (literally a year later) my boyfriend told me that he actually went to the movies with his ex-gf and felt bad for lying to me. But I was in such a depressed phase in my life at the time, and he didn't want to make it worse by telling me the truth. Although, he says they didn't do ANYTHING but watch the movie together, he felt I deserved to know the truth. I was always weary of his friendship with his ex-gf, and so he felt scared to tell me the truth even though he claims that there was NOTHING but a mere friendship on his part. My boyfriend has never done anything to cause me to feel uncomfortable, other than this whole ex-gf business. He's been crying and begging for forgiveness - but I can't seem to understand how I feel. I swore at him and cussed him out for lying to me. I know this could have been worse. He could have done much more, or even continued to lie to me. The only thing stopping me from breaking up with him as that he hasn't done anything else which would cause me to mistrust his intent. He's always been a very loving and caring boyfriend, and I don't have much to complain about. However, I cannot stand the thought of him going out with his ex-gf that TOO to the movies while I was effing depressed. I know it's been a year, and he cut her out of his life about 6 months ago. But.. is this something forgivable? Is our relationship a lost cause?
Diezel Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 The one thing I am really wondering about is: Why now? Why a year later? Why not a month later? Or maybe a few weeks? It seems... so late in the game to bring that up. Honestly, I don't know how I would react, but I do know I'd have a tough time trusting this person. What else will he bring up in 6 months that happened 6 months ago? Did he bring up the conversation? How long have you two been together? 3
Author melancholy123 Posted December 27, 2014 Author Posted December 27, 2014 The one thing I am really wondering about is: Why now? Why a year later? Why not a month later? Or maybe a few weeks? It seems... so late in the game to bring that up. Honestly, I don't know how I would react, but I do know I'd have a tough time trusting this person. What else will he bring up in 6 months that happened 6 months ago? Did he bring up the conversation? How long have you two been together? He felt our relationship wasn't strong enough, and when I did ask him, I was already crying and upset and he didn't want to make the situation worse by telling me at the time. But he says that it's been haunting him ever since, and yesterday we had a very open conversations about our exes and he felt it was the right time to bring it up. We've been together for a year and a half now. I don't know what to make of any of this. And he won't stop crying and begging for forgiveness and I just feel extremely confused.
Kamila Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 If he really believed in your relationship, he wouldn't have brought that up. It's been a year ago... My bet is that he's having doubts about the relationship and trying to get the 'I wanna break-up' ball rolling. His dream scenario would be that you'll also start having doubts about him and his feelings for you. You'll start showing negative emotions and you'll eventually break up with him. Evil. A guy that truly loves you doesn't do that... Meh. Losing you would be his worst nightmare. So why bring up events from the past ?
callingyouuu Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 Sounds like he's being genuine to me. 2
HereTodayGoneTomorow Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 He has a conscience and he confessed because he truly loves you. It may not be what you wanted to hear but he probably felt like he was being honest with you, otherwise he wouldn't have cared and kept it hidden.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 So he decided to tell you a year later, and 6 months after the ex is no longer in his life? What's his motive? What prompted him to cut the ex out after 6 months? This is a trust issue that makes you have second guesses about what else he could have lied about. If he's really sorry I suggest he work on earning your trust back. 1
Gloria25 Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I would dump him.... Cuz for me, he sounds like an immature idiot. When we tell people things, it's cuz we expect them to "make use" of the info we give them. Is he still "friends" with this ex? Does he secretly still have feelings for her? If "no" to both questions, then why tell you? I don't believe in this whole "confession" crap. That's what guilty people do to burden others with their crap. That's what priests and counselors are made for. Go "confess" to them... Cuz, now you're here trying to figure out what to do with what he told you. So, again, I recommend dump. Why? Cuz .... #1 He's hanging with an ex while dating you.... #2 He just "springs" this on you for gosh knows why waaay after it occurred. He sounds like a genius.
Tayken Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 @OP....it's simple, once a partner lies / cheats, you can bet your little bum that they will do it again. Period...are you willing to take that chance? 2
KatZee Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 (edited) Maybe I'm being negative, or maybe it's just me being a realist. Why did he wait until NOW to tell you? There is a reason why he's coming out with it now. A year later? He's guilty NOW? I don't buy it. My ex pulled something fairly similar. He came to me TWO YEARS later with something he did. Turns out, that something was cheating. (With his ex). And turns out, he wasn't coming to me because he "felt so bad" and was "guilty" like he said. Turns out, someone was threatening to tell me. He was very close to being exposed. He decided that it was better for me to hear it from his mouth and not someone else's mouth. Either way, "coming clean" that far after the fact had nothing to do with our relationship, us as a couple, or anything like that. He actually was NEVER going to tell me until this became a threat to HIM. There IS a reason he's coming out with this now. And I highly doubt it's because of his "guilt." I think there's layers to this that you don't even know, and probably won't be aware of for a while. Edited December 28, 2014 by KatZee 4
Erised Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 He confessed because he felt bad when he had basically gotten away with it? I'd forgive him and find him very trustworthy. I don't think it's anything at this point to be upset or worried about.
KatZee Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 However, I cannot stand the thought of him going out with his ex-gf that TOO to the movies while I was effing depressed. I know it's been a year, and he cut her out of his life about 6 months ago. But.. is this something forgivable? Is our relationship a lost cause? My ex did this too. The second I was on the outs (very ill), he ran around with his ex behind my back. Secondly, why did he cut her out of his life 6 months ago? I see a flag here as well. Why was he such good friends with her, going out with her behind your back, and then just a mere 6 months ago cutting her out? I get the feeling something happened between them. But that's just me. 1
Author melancholy123 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 So he decided to tell you a year later, and 6 months after the ex is no longer in his life? What's his motive? What prompted him to cut the ex out after 6 months? This is a trust issue that makes you have second guesses about what else he could have lied about. If he's really sorry I suggest he work on earning your trust back. In regards to cutting the ex out, I told him to do that because she was clearly into him and I wasn't going to put up with that anymore. I knew they were being more friendly than they should but I wasn't aware of them going to the movies together and all that. He did cut her out as soon as I asked, and from my knowledge he stopped hanging out with her after the whole movies thing because he felt that he made a mistake.
Author melancholy123 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 @OP....it's simple, once a partner lies / cheats, you can bet your little bum that they will do it again. Period...are you willing to take that chance? It's just that he hasn't done anything else for me to not trust him. After he became aware of how uncomfortable his ex made me, he did cut her out as soon as I asked. Since then he has been super careful about how he interacts with the opposite sex in any scenario - and I don't suspect that. It's just this whole movie confession thing a year later that threw me off.
KatZee Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Honestly, the fact that he didn't even "know" that he was crossing lines by having a relationship with his ex-girlfriend behind your back AND needed to be told to "cut it out" by you? I still don't buy it. Guys are not stupid as we think they are. 1
Author melancholy123 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 Maybe I'm being negative, or maybe it's just me being a realist. Why did he wait until NOW to tell you? There is a reason why he's coming out with it now. A year later? He's guilty NOW? I don't buy it. My ex pulled something fairly similar. He came to me TWO YEARS later with something he did. Turns out, that something was cheating. (With his ex). And turns out, he wasn't coming to me because he "felt so bad" and was "guilty" like he said. Turns out, someone was threatening to tell me. He was very close to being exposed. He decided that it was better for me to hear it from his mouth and not someone else's mouth. Either way, "coming clean" that far after the fact had nothing to do with our relationship, us as a couple, or anything like that. He actually was NEVER going to tell me until this became a threat to HIM. There IS a reason he's coming out with this now. And I highly doubt it's because of his "guilt." I think there's layers to this that you don't even know, and probably won't be aware of for a while. I completely understand your perspective and I also found his action to be extremely suspicious, and feel exactly the way you have stated your opinion. He's claiming that they went to the movies as simply friends, and if it wasn't her he would have gone with any other friend. He also thinks I didn't make my boundaries clear at that point in our relationship (I didn't BUT I don't think it takes a genius to figure out how wrong it seems to go to the movies with a freakin ex !?) He didn't want to tell me about it earlier because I wasn't "stable" and nor was our relationship. I have no idea what his motives are. A part of me wants to believe that he just wanted to get this off his chest because he felt bad about it, and the other part of me is confused as heck. He said he hasn't cheated physically or emotionally - he only went to the movies with her, and after he realized how this could potentially bother me, he stopped hanging out with her, and completely cut her off when I asked.
Author melancholy123 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 I just don't know whether I should appreciate his honesty when this is something that he could have easily gotten away with, or break up with him for his shady behavior?
xpaperxcutx Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 (edited) Your story reminds me of something that happened to my boyfriend- he had a girl friend who I met once or twice, whenever he and I would go out to parties. We are part of a big party group, so I never had reason to doubt my boyfriend whenever there's a girl around; he always only had eyes for me and he wasn't one to flirt with anybody else but me. So this girl, who he had been friends with, was very shy and quiet, and the few times I did saw her, I made it a point to say hi and make her feel comfortable. However, the last time I saw her at a party, she was very drunk, and she spent the entire night clinging to my boyfriend. And I mean CLINGING. She was sitting next to him, holding onto his arms, and my boyfriend, being the nice guy that he was, thought it was because she was drunk and had tried to take care of her. Well, one thing led to another (which at that point, we had all went to an outdoors rooftop area of the club we were in), and she was laying on top him of him on a mat. I was furious. We fought and had a big argument, with me ending up in tears. My ultimatum was that if he didn't delete her from his life, I wasn't going to be with him anymore. So he blocked her from contacting him and he deleted her number to make me feel better. Lesson of this story? After this episode, I have trust issues with my boyfriend whenever it involves the opposite sex. And my boyfriend has a lot of female friends, who he has known longer than I have known him. I give him the benefit of the doubt because I was his first, and him being a very religious person, doesn't go around messing around with other girls, especially not his female friends. So you have to ask yourself, based on the fact you two have been together for one and a half years, do you have any more reasons to doubt him? I know this episode may have taken your trust away from him, but it is still his job to earn your trust back. Tell him you are hurt, but if he is really repentant about his actions, then his future actions will have to prove it. You have a right to be angry, but its only you who can fully decide if you want to let this go or not. Edited December 28, 2014 by xpaperxcutx 1
Diezel Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I just don't know whether I should appreciate his honesty when this is something that he could have easily gotten away with, or break up with him for his shady behavior? Appreciate his honesty? After a year? Really? You can't be serious. 4
Winterina Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Forget everything people here are telling you and ask yourself what do you believe happened? Trust your instincts. If the only thing he did was to go out with his ex and not tell you about it at the time to not upset you, then you should definitely put it behind and not let it ruin your relationship. It is not worth the break up. It will take time for trust to build up but here is why you should trust him 1. he came and told you about it himself 2. he is begging you for forgiveness (means he knows it was not the right thing to do and will not happen again) 3. he has consciences, he could not live having a secret from you (that is a guy you CAN trust) 4. Liars do not come out and tell you that they lie but will lie some more to cover up for the lies they already told 5. finally, he dumped the ex, means he put you as his priority and you are more important to him than his contact with her This is a keeper! It is easy for the people here to tell others to dump someone, because we are not there and we do not feel his arms around us and share the moments together... in other words, it is SO easy to be smart about someone else's life. 2
mangetout Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I completely understand your perspective and I also found his action to be extremely suspicious, and feel exactly the way you have stated your opinion. He's claiming that they went to the movies as simply friends, and if it wasn't her he would have gone with any other friend. He also thinks I didn't make my boundaries clear at that point in our relationship (I didn't BUT I don't think it takes a genius to figure out how wrong it seems to go to the movies with a freakin ex !?) He didn't want to tell me about it earlier because I wasn't "stable" and nor was our relationship. I have no idea what his motives are. A part of me wants to believe that he just wanted to get this off his chest because he felt bad about it, and the other part of me is confused as heck. He said he hasn't cheated physically or emotionally - he only went to the movies with her, and after he realized how this could potentially bother me, he stopped hanging out with her, and completely cut her off when I asked. So if he didn't cheat then why tell you a year later??? Why not say "hey I am going yo the movies with my ex. No big deal". Listen an ex is different to friends, you don't have sex with your friends. Massive difference. He knew it was wrong already by going out her and as far as I am concerned, they probably they did something hence why he had to tell you a year later out of guilt!
Winterina Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 So if he didn't cheat then why tell you a year later??? Why not say "hey I am going yo the movies with my ex. No big deal". Listen an ex is different to friends, you don't have sex with your friends. Massive difference. He knew it was wrong already by going out her and as far as I am concerned, they probably they did something hence why he had to tell you a year later out of guilt! Sex with ex happened in the past and it is not the thing you think of when you meet them socially. There is a reason they are exes. Don't put any thoughts into her head over what is probably nothing. The guy did not do anything to deserve being dumped. I am all for cutting it off with exes and all, but not in all cases. I have one ex that I see every other year just to catch up because we spent 7 years together and were good friends. We are not interested in each other and nothing would happen even if we stayed together at a deserted island for 30 years, so I do not feel guilty or anything over seeing him. My bf has an ex like that too. One the other hand, I broke up one relationship because my bf at the time was not over his ex. He told me later he just needed time to process her out of his life, but I was not ready to give him that time and stick around. There is a big difference between exes, they are not some evil species but they are people, and people are different. Maybe if you weren't depressed and oversensitive to things, he would have told you back then. Maybe he tried to protect you. It didn't come out when it should have, and later it started looking to him like he is hiding something so he might have gotten scared of your reaction and finally he could not live with thinking about it every day for a year so he told you. Whatever you do, do not let this poison your thought process and don't get paranoid over things if you care for your relationship. Hear him out, talk to him and let it go at some point. As I told you in previous post, this guy seems trustworthy to me. I met some lying people in my life and those will never volunteer an info like that. Men sometimes need to be told things that are 'obvious' to us. I did it reluctantly before and it worked. Bottom line: if everything else is fine with this guy ask yourself if you are willing to dump someone nice because he was watching a movie in public with someone he used to date and did not tell you right away, perhaps to not upset you. Maybe your depression did something to him too... it is contagious. Be careful and do not do something you might regret. This is not a such major fault to throw everything away. Most of the people will lie to you, many will cheat, many will not be willing to give up on contact with exes, many will drink too much, have some latent psychological problem, etc etc, list goes on. Place it in a context, have a talk and ask all the questions you need to ask of him about that ex, and learn to forgive.
Author melancholy123 Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Forget everything people here are telling you and ask yourself what do you believe happened? Trust your instincts. If the only thing he did was to go out with his ex and not tell you about it at the time to not upset you, then you should definitely put it behind and not let it ruin your relationship. It is not worth the break up. It will take time for trust to build up but here is why you should trust him 1. he came and told you about it himself 2. he is begging you for forgiveness (means he knows it was not the right thing to do and will not happen again) 3. he has consciences, he could not live having a secret from you (that is a guy you CAN trust) 4. Liars do not come out and tell you that they lie but will lie some more to cover up for the lies they already told 5. finally, he dumped the ex, means he put you as his priority and you are more important to him than his contact with her This is a keeper! It is easy for the people here to tell others to dump someone, because we are not there and we do not feel his arms around us and share the moments together... in other words, it is SO easy to be smart about someone else's life. This is exactly what I'm confused about. On one hand I DO feel like I have a keeper because he could have totally gotten away without telling me he didn't go to the movies with her. But he chose to tell me, why? From his perspective, I deserved to know the truth, but he was waiting until I was more 'stable' so that I could handle the situation better. He said they went to the movies as friends and their past relationship was absolutely meaningless. They didn't have sex, he didn't tell his parents about her or ever consider a serious future with her. After he realized his mistake he never hung out with her again from what he's telling me. I didn't have to ask him to stop hanging out with her, he just did it on his own because he thought it would make me uncomfortable. He didn't stop talking to her, however, and I had to make that explicit for him to kick her out. That part bothers me.. why couldn't he completely cut off contact with her? I'm very confused. I feel like I have evidence for both him wronging me and evidence of him making choices to make up for his mistake. I'm just getting two different opinions on this forum, and I don't know which one to go with.
Author melancholy123 Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 So if he didn't cheat then why tell you a year later??? Why not say "hey I am going yo the movies with my ex. No big deal". Listen an ex is different to friends, you don't have sex with your friends. Massive difference. He knew it was wrong already by going out her and as far as I am concerned, they probably they did something hence why he had to tell you a year later out of guilt! But if they did DO something... if he had to tell me out of guilt that they went to the movies, why wouldn't he ALSO tell me what they did out of guilt? Surely the guilt of physically cheating on me would be worse than the guilt of just going to the movies?
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