proactivedreamer Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) I have written in the past about my relationship if anyone cares to read past threads. I am here because I have to finally accept that things will not progress and I can no longer bare the idea that this will be what the rest of my life might be like. It has taken me nearly three years to come to this point. I suppose I felt I had time to "waste", but now I am 28 years old and there has been this great shift. I am entering a new stage in my life, and I don't think my partner is coming with me. He is stuck, rigid, and unmovable. I thought I was doing the right thing staying with him through the hard times, but it seems that is all that we have. It seems he does not want things to improve in his life, and he is "content" with what his life is. At first, I thought how could he want to live this way, but now I am coming to realize, perhaps, we are simply incompatible . The prospect of ending it has been on my mind for a very very long time. I fought it, and wrestled with it, and now it makes me sick with sadness and fear. I tried to take on his problems, pain, and his self-loathing. I tried to push him toward help, but to know avail. I have lost, and I will lose him. If I stay with him, I will not live. I will not ever have anything to look forward to. I will be isolated and only dreaming of what life could be like. That is why I have to end it. At present, he does not have any involvement with my family or his own. He is depressed and suffers from social anxiety, which he is too fearful to seek help for. If I stay I will have do everything, and I fear that. I fear that we will always struggle. I know that we will. I know that I will. I know that I will struggle for this rest my life trying to get him to see any value in living, having friends, traveling, being with family. I just don't feel at peace about it. He is my best friend. I feel safe and comfortable with him. I just don't see how we have a future together given the circumstances. Throughout the summer, I spoke of moving in together, and what it would take. At first, he seemed interested and engaged, but as the days of summer passed, he grew silent and annoyed with me bringing it up. Now, we are approaching a new year, and I see no end in sight for separate living situation. He does not pay rent or any bills at his moms, perhaps, that is a reason he is no hurry. I don't know. Maybe there is just too much wrong, and too much to change. Edited December 27, 2014 by proactivedreamer
contact1 Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 It's funny as I have been wrestling with this very notion myself, however my situation is a lot more committed (married, have a child) but I can see where you are coming from. You can't see yourself spending the rest of your life this way, but you know that by ending it, you are going to bringing a great deal of pain to a person you care about dearly, regardless of what type of flaws they may have, you care about them. It is human nature to not want to bring harm upon someone else and because of it, you start to feel guilty in wanting something better for yourself. You can think of a millions reason why not to do it or why to do it, but I think, the one thing that really matters, is asking yourself "Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life, knowing it will likely not change" after having exhausted all your options. I'm in the process of going through my "options" and can only hope it turns around, but thus far it hasn't looked good . But in the mean time, here's a cyber hug to let you know you are not alone in this /hug 1
d0nnivain Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 You made an intelligent decision with your head. Now your heart has to catch up. Also the reality is hitting you. Change is scary. The idea of being alone after you were in a relationship for a substantial period of time is daunting. Those legitimate concerns / fears do undermine the wisdom of breaking up because as you have come to realize, he won't change. Resist the urge to run back to the known familiar. Hang in there. Even though you are the dumper you too still get to mourn the loss of your relationship. 1
EgoJoe Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 Lay it all on the line for him. Give him a wake up call first. If you love him tell him and be honest about everything. Tell him exactly what you need and what you are going to do if you don't get it.
Author proactivedreamer Posted December 27, 2014 Author Posted December 27, 2014 Lay it all on the line for him. Give him a wake up call first. If you love him tell him and be honest about everything. Tell him exactly what you need and what you are going to do if you don't get it. I have laid it all out for him many many times. Sometimes, he would start to take a step, and what seemed like an attempt at improvement would cease. We talked about going to therapy, jobs, and the future. What it comes down to is he doesn't have any hope for the future, he is too afraid to seek treatment or doesn't believe it will help. Believe me, I have pretty much exhausted my options, and ruminated about this for more than 12 months. In the beginning, he asked me to patient, but now we are approaching 3 years together, and I have to decide whether I will wait another year. So far, if I am honest with myself, change will not happen anytime soon, and not while we are together. I have been a soldier in this war against his problems, and I have fought a "good fight", but it is useless, and very little change has resulted in all this loving and fighting I have done. I thought my actions, my perseverance, and my strength would inspire him. I think I was looking at it all wrong since the beginning. I think he is "content", and unphased by his how things are in his life. He denies this, but I can think of any other reason for why he wouldn't be more eager to get things right with himself and for our relationship. I don't think I am perfect but I know that I am a good woman and good to him, so I just don't understand it. He is broken, and there is no fixing him. I could not bring myself to say and thing all of these things before. But I have to face reality or drown with him. I feel tons of guilt and fear for him. I fear that he will never know life without depression and social anxiety or at least a life coping with it in healthy ways. I thought I could help and show him, but I have failed. I am hurting about it but even this is not enough to move him.
EgoJoe Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 Did you tell him before that you were dead serious? I can tell you're fed up but that you love him. Perhaps you need to just leave and show him that so you can heal and gain one hundred percent objectivity.
Recommended Posts