piggy82 Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 A big part of me, wants others to just say that it will work out.. But then, somehow I think it is best that we find the strength to move on.. But how? Or, is being together with him, my destiny, like he says it is? He cuddles me all night, kisses me so sweet, tells me he loves me and always will, that he wants to have a family with me, push me in my wheelchair when I am old. He wants me to go where he goes, with his friends, his family. He doesnt get angry with me when I am moody and annoying. He will travel across continents to be with me. With him I feel so comfortable, lazy, a boring blog of myself, content. When times are good, they are soo good with him. But when times are bad, then it is like he deserts me. When I need him, he is not there, and does not care even a tiny bit. The first crack came after a year of knowing him, I went to Austria to be with him at Christmas (after all these big words), and then suddenly he went cold, didn't answer my calls, and left me stranded and alone -absolutely breaking my heart. We weren't in contact for 3 years after that. Until a year ago, when we both wanted to travel, and met out of conveiniance. Sparks flew again, and we have been in a physical relationship since, living together. Reasons just keep piling up saying that I am his doormat, and nothing more. Then he wins me back with words. When I am sick, a stranger is more caring, if I call him crying because of something terrible that happened, he doesnt even send me a text to see if I am ok. In all teh time we have known each other he has never made an effort to celebrate for an annerversary, christmas, birthday, new year, valentines day (not even spending time with me, or a card). He doesnt want to live life (outside of home) in general, at least not with me. Those good times, for half a year have become a rarity, and now since I have started telling him that it isn't working are even more seldom. Our activities since moving to Austria consist of going food shopping, sex, tv, and sleep. I have found my own friends, and do lots of great things, but he never wants to come. He only wants to be with his friends he has known for decades, and will drop me immediately for them. He wants me to be involved with his family and friends, but when I am so unhappy in our relationship I think that should be the first priority.. I love him, I miss him when we are apart for even a day, but is it just about being comfortable and not alone(for the both of us, regardless of his words)? Or is there hope? -He is 24 and I am 29. He is Austrian and I am American. Is it age, or culture? Is it that we have moved too quick? -Since the day we met we have lived together (met in a community), then traveling and then in the same apartment.. then so have never gone through a dating stage. Is that something to do with it? When we are always together at home, and we are so comfortable, why make an effort? Is there any logic in that? But, I'm not happy.. and I have stopped acting with love towards him too. I don't cook so much for him anymore, and don't get joy thinking of little suprises that will make him happy, and I have stopped hoping we will celebrate life and living together.. I want to love him with all my heart.. For me love is when you feel their pain like your own, their joy like your own. You see their talents, help them to work with them to grow. You want to see things through their eyes, and live life fuller to be part of new experiences together. With them you feel safe, at home. Everything is worth celebrating, just because they are there. Where time dissapears discussing the world, life and anything. You laugh together. But, why are we holding so tightly still onto each other?
StalwartMind Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 That sounds rather depressing that he has so little care for you. His prioritizing of friends is pretty inconsiderate and that's not to say he can't spend time with them. The way you describe love is spot on when it comes to relationships and cherishing someone else, but this seems to be missing from your relationship. I would be pretty terrified if stranger cared more about how I feel than my significant other. It is probably a comfort thing like you said, things just feel safe and effortless when you are together at home. An overall bad relationship can still have some parts that are good and vice versa. He is still pretty young, it may have some influence on his choices and decisions, but being considerate towards someone you are supposed to care deeply for, is something you generally learn from a much younger age. I don't think there is that much of a cultural barrier between Austria and America, not enough to explain different behavior or attitudes to the point of someone neglecting their loved one. It's really easy to promise someone the moon, but backing those words up is a totally separate case. The more you see someone not being remotely near their promises, it should set off some alarms. I guess this very concept is good to teach every single human, so they don't get caught in a web of unfulfilled vows. I will always say that communication, compassion and the connection between two people, will be a deciding factor in how well off you are together. When one or some parts break down for whatever reason and neither cares to fix it, then there are larger problems at hand. It's entirely possible you can solve some of those too, but typically one lacks the interest in committing effort into doing so. If you are not happy, no matter what you do or who you are with, then something is wrong. It's easy to tell someone to just change things, leave someone, but things aren't always that simple. I'm sure there is much more to this story too, and it's in your best interest to figure out what to do. You start by listening to yourself, and it's very clear with the current circumstances you aren't anywhere near the level blissfulness that you desire. So things must change now before you end up withering away in a situation that actually is toxic to you both, even if neither of you "completely" realize it.
Author piggy82 Posted December 27, 2014 Author Posted December 27, 2014 Dear Stalwartmind, Mmmh . He says it is also to do with being an only child. And things like that he has never written a card to anyone in his life.. Ahh.. I am moving out in a week into a share house. But, gah, it is so friggin hard. Your post has given me more strength to keep on keeping on Thanks so much. Really does mean so much. Happy New Year to you, xx
Satu Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 Just turn your back and walk away into the sunshine. This man seems to be less than half alive. 1
Author piggy82 Posted December 27, 2014 Author Posted December 27, 2014 Ooh Sunshine where are you? I have written too much again, with too many unnecesary details... oooh dear.. Well, mmh.. It really is like that; that he isn't alive. But, I don't think it is depression, as he can do everything he needs / wants for himself. He doesn't want to hurt me, but, if it involves making any kind of effort (for me or anyone else), then it is too much. I had made arrangements to move out before Christmas, but then changed it again, as I was hoping it would be the last chance to prove that things could be saved in our relationship. *Sigh. Christmas was of course another total let down. (WIthout telling me he arranged to work all three afternoons/eveenings because of all the cash he would make. And in this new town, I don't really have any proper friends yet. No card, not going food shopping while I was at work before everythign was closed like he promised he would. .. Blah blah). Even though I was in a few crying fits over Christmas, I can't stay angry at him for more than a few hours. Our apartment is like a shoebox, we sleep in the same bed. And when we are here together, and he pleads with me to stay, all the big words, the loook, I can't helpp but love him. Then afterwards I feel so broken up and used that I am so weak. How can I last another week? Should I just cuddle him back (and think of it as loving him as a human), or try harder to distance myself? or try to move out sooner? How do I stop kidding myself? In a few days it will be New Years Eve. He will celebrate it with his friends (all male players basically) and wants me to come. I know a few people here in thsi city, but just superficially. Do you think I sHoudl I go with him, just one last time as like a closure and goodbye? But with the risk of feeling so rubbish afterwards? Mmhh..
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