Almost a year together...

[monkey1980]

As the title says, I will have been with my girlfriend a year in January.

 

The relationship has been massively loving and rewarding in every way imaginable, and she has been fantastic in dealing with my insecurities over the same period.

 

She has been incredible actually.

 

Simply put, I really want (wanted?) to marry this woman someday. But as we enter 2015, there are a few major snags that need to be overcome...and I am not even sure if this is possible now?

 

I live at home with my mum, brother and my mum's fiancé (more in a lodging state than anything else - I pay my own bills) and, because of this insecurity, I have never had the courage to bring her back to mine. She sensed this early on in our relationship and distanced me away from being invited back to hers until I manned up and invited her round. We even discussed this and she pretty much implied that in order for her to completely open up her world to me, I would need to do so first.

 

I have done my best to sidestep probing questions about my living arrangements but I think she has some idea as to what my situation is and has known for a while.

 

In order for us to be extremely intimate, we've had to rely on staying together in hotels when going on short trips abroad. One trip was free courtesy of my company, the other an impromptu trip a few months later.

 

I should have moved out a long time ago, but over the last decade I have succumbed to various hurdles that have prolonged my stay at home. I was jobless, penniless and very overweight in my early 20's. Suffered severe anxiety, low self-esteem and depression until well into my mid 20's. But when I finally found a job, I went from strength to strength in my latter 20's - I lost weight, became more self-confident and finally secured a very good and well paid job working for a prestigious organisation.

 

Here's the real kicker though, and it is a BIG one for me...

 

Over the last 2 years I have lost a vast sum of money and put myself into massive debt losing money on the stock markets. It dawned on me in recent months that I was doing this to try and play catch-up after a poor start to my adult life and responsibilities. I have now moved past this, but feel I have almost destroyed the part of my life where I should be settling down with someone and being a stable future husband and provider.

 

It is now tougher than ever for me to move out into a place of my own because of this, with much of my monthly salary now paying off my debts.

 

My girlfriend is fiercely independent and has had her own place from the age of 18. She has budgeted well and is on the path to success with a job she acquired recently with a major firm. While her own life has been no picnic and she has struggled in more ways than one, she is pretty much the opposite to me and has managed to come through those challenges.

 

I have a relatively poor relationship with my family compared to her relationship with hers. I have not spoken to my father for 15 years, have a less than stellar relationship with my brothers (where they are also in some sort of emotional turmoil themselves) and my relationship with my mother has become very strained due to most of the aforementioned issues. She, on the other hand, has a very caring relationship with her brother and sister and they all look out for and support one another in times of need.

 

I am really confused as to what I need to do. I actually feel like a fraud at times in all honesty, often hiding my feelings about my life challenges and issues and don't feel good about myself at all.

 

Do I just lay my cards out on the table and just take whatever comes my way this far into our relationship? I have toyed with the idea more than a few times over the last month but always stop short as I feel some part of me as having deceived her about my life and background over the last year. I guess the reason I did not open about things from the get-go was not wanting to lose the first meaningful relationship I have had in a long time. I actually thought at many times in my life that I would not meet anyone as smart, beautiful and understanding as her.

 

I am expecting most of the responses on here to be less than favourable and damning to some degree, but I really hope someone out there can offer some words of wisdom or encouragement to navigate possibly the biggest obstacle in my life yet. Perhaps someone out there has been through something vaguely similar?

 

I want to finally find my independence and have the opportunity to have a life with someone that I never dreamed possible a number of years ago.

 

We are completely besotted and in love with each other, but I feel like I am on the precipice of emotional disaster and she may be too if I open up now about everything. Even more so now as she has just embarked on a career path that looks to be going places at the tender age of 24.

 

Don't get me completely wrong. I have opened up about a number of things that I have not told anyone else, but the big issues which are affecting our ability to mature together as a couple is now what unnerves me.

 

I am scared and confused as to what I need to do next.

 

Thanks in advance.

[newmoon]

just be honest. if you actually like her and want a future with her then it cannot be built upon lies and hiding your "other" life from her. you'll just feel sorry for yourself when it comes out and she walks. to avoid that, tell her as soon as possible. it's already been too long. and stress the part about how you are now on the right path financially and correcting past errors. you have to be a man and be honest. make honesty your 2015 resolution.

[d0nnivain]

Invite her over. At this point if she really is The One she should not break up with you because she doesn't like where you live.

[losangelena]

Step One: TELL HER.

 

If you want to build a future with her, she's gonna have to know about all the less than desirable bits.

 

Nothing you've mentioned is insurmountable. The fact that you've built them up in your mind that way is the problem. If you're a married couple, it's up to you both to shoulder each others' burdens. But that means you need to be honest about what those are for you. Otherwise, you're not going to get anywhere.

[monkey1980]

You are right of course. I have built up this brickwall around my life and, now a year in to this relationship, I am worried that it will all come crashing down and I will lose the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

My girlfriend can tolerate alot more than I give her credit for sometimes and she has allowed me the time and space to figure things out and open up when I am ready. I am just worried that this could be a dealbreaker for our relationship and she might change and feel deceived in some way and the trust part of our relationship might be brought into question.

 

I am ready for whatever comes my way, but that does not make it any easier.

 

I am thinking of inviting her round now for New Years Eve and will go from there.

[monkey1980]

So I had a wonderful New Years Eve with my girlfriend but did not get the chance to bring her back to mine as the scheduling is quite tight with both of us having work on Friday.

 

My only worry now is that I opened up almost fully about my circumstances last night and, whilst my girlfriend seemingly appeared to have no issue with what I said and was completely understanding and supportive as she always is, I am sitting here today without hearing a peep from her through text or phonecall.

 

I really need further reassurance from her that everything is okay but I won't get that if she doesn't feel the need to contact me and she clearly knows how much it took for me to open up about things last night.

 

I kind of feel cut off today not knowing what to think (I know she is off work today like myself) and all I can do is wait.

[acrosstheuniverse]

She might be thinking things through. Not your living situation, but the fact she may feel lied to and deceived.

 

At this stage I don't think it would be bad for you to reach out first. Tell her you're sorry for misleading her for so long and were so afraid to lose her, but that you'll never lie to her about anything again. Reach out to comfort and reassure HER that you are serious about the relationship. All you can do is hope that she will be okay with it, but that's in her hands. Do not reach out to gain reassurance for yourself. Nothing more unattractive, when you're the one who has given her reason to doubt the viability of your relationship.

[monkey1980]

The last few days I have been feeling a little lost and confused. I'm still none the wiser how she 'actually' feels.

 

On the face of things my girlfriend appears be fine, but her inconsistencies with her contact compared to before makes me feel she has lost some respect after my opening up about things.

 

I actually felt there was a good chance she would be completely cool with things (and she has been), but her behavioural changes (no texts whatsoever since before New Years Day) are very easy for me to pick up and I obviously might amplify these somewhat after sharing a part of myself that I was always going to be uncomfortable sharing with her.

 

Am I reading into things too much? Just a little concerned that if I call her out on it she might feel upset with me.

Edited January 3, 2015 by monkey1980
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[FitChick]

Perhaps she feels you are financially irresponsible so not a good marriage prospect. If you lived together, you could have her handle all the bills since she seems to manage that end better. Make her that offer and see what he says.