Elle1975 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Yes. I do like to feel needed and Im clear that he resented me for always stepping into the breach and sorting things out for him. Living in my home, using my car etc etc But I certainly doubt he has the lead in his new relationship. She may be young but she is by all accounts a hard-nosed, arrogant person happy to let others run around after her. I think perhaps they deserve each other but I'm still left wondering 'what do I do now?' We're in January, so not much to do right now. However, I'd suggest having a "winter cleaning" of all of his stuff. He can come get the boxes, or better yet you can drop them at his castle of a trailer Retake possession of your house. Don't let him linger in by keeping anything that belongs to him. To me, that's step #1. 2
Mittens Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 You asked the question "What do I do now?" The immediate thing, which is probably the hardest to do when something like this has happened, is nothing. I cannot recommend highly enough not making any major changes in your life, living arrangements etc until you have let the dust settle a bit. I'd wait at least 3 months. Live quietly as possible, take every opportunity to do stuff that you enjoy, try and rebuilt relationships with your friends. If after 3 months you still feel the need to move, then you know it's not coming from a knee jerk reaction to the events. You are already in a strong position as you have your own house and a job that enjoy, and the support of your children. I know that living in a small community it is going to be very hard to avoid any mention of your ex and his new woman, but try as hard as possible to do so. I would assume that you've already had the sense to block your ex from being able to contact you through any methods, including social networks. When I divorced my first husband I was only 24. I decided to move to the other side of the world a week later. Only a year later I was back where I started, £7K poorer and virtually homeless. I'd let the emotions of the divorce overwhelm me and tried running away from my feelings...which of course didn't work, they just followed me and became worse because I was alone with no support. That was 22 years ago and I still regret (and am still paying, both emotionally and career wise) for rushing to change my life. I hope 2015 is a good year for you. 2
Holmes85 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 My partner of 6 years left me and immediately started living with a woman nearly half my age. For years he demonstrated paranoia about my commitment, despite the fact that I adored him and helped him raise his children. Despite this his new lady (22years and 18 yrs his junior) has a reputation for being permissive, drug using and completely full of herself. I asked him for an explanation and to know when he stoppedc loving me and she sent me an abusive message and said 'WE'RE happy, move on'. I am lost and bewildered. Everyone says I have had a lucky escape, I'm beautiful, talented etc etc, but I believe none of it. I will never know if all the times he said he loved me were real or not. What should I do? It's ironic that for years he demonstrated paranoia about your commitment, yet it seems like he's the one having issues with it. This man has no self respect for you and the relationship itself. He won't know what he's missing until it's completely gone. If you want my opinion, take the time and heal. Once you have healed and have your self confidence back, allow yourself to find a better partner who is more suited for you, the one that respects your efforts in the relationship and doesn't treat you like a doormat and has the cheek to say "We're happy, move on". He would realize his loss in time or when his younger love affair starts demonstrating more problems, by that time you would be completely out of this mess and see him for what he really is and wonder "what was I thinking at that time?". 1
Author Lianalady Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Stayed in on NYE and was in bed by 9pm (still using sleepers to get rest). Heard from a friend that he was out in town partying hard, dancing about. For the last few years we stayed in on NYE because he said he hated it and because we would have his children usually. It's like the man he pretended to be was all just fake and now he is really being himself. His children are if an age where they are independent. So, I guess I got him through those years so he can now go off and party with his new young woman. I'm just still so broken up about how blind I've been and how callous he is.
amaysngrace Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I think perhaps they deserve each other but I'm still left wondering 'what do I do now?' I think you need to allow yourself time to heal. We all want things to be instantly better to make the pain go away but it doesn't really work that way. Maybe for now you can think of three things that you're grateful for every time you start getting too sad about the feelings you're experiencing. It's necessary to feel those bad feelings because it's part of healing but don't allow yourself to dwell in the negativity for too long. Stop yourself from wallowing and find things to appreciate instead. And remember, that which does not kill us only makes us stronger. 2
Author Lianalady Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Well, I did a shift behind a local bar last night (quite out if the blue) It was somewhere where we used to go together but I was fairly sure he wouldn't come in as I'm aware at present he is steering well clear of anywhere he may bump into me. It was exhausting but I was forced to smile and chat and most importantly I was kept busy. I love people watching anyway and a bar is a good place to do that. It's owned by a gay couple and they were lovely to me. One of them described a very abusive relationship that he'd experienced in the past and said it had taken two years to fully recover! I did wish at points that I could just run home, get into my pj's and be alone but I stuck it out to midnight and felt I had achieved something. Back to my day job on Monday which I'm dreading. Still suffering lack of sleep and groggy from sleepers in the mornings but it's high time I pulled myself out of my sadness and disappointment and resumed normal function. I know for sure that one day in the future I will have an encounter with my ex (small towns are like that) so I pray I will be in a place where I can just smile and say 'hello' as I walk past.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 it's coming. After being stunned by the stupidity of his choices wears off, you will make room for more and more. You'll come to see that you no longer feel like you are trapped in a waiting room hoping for your life to come back. Your new life will have already arrived making the old one seem fake and unreal because he tore it down. 1
elaine567 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Well, I did a shift behind a local bar last night (quite out if the blue) Good idea, get out of the house at night and see people. Don't overwork yourself, as you will be exhausted too, but a not too stressful, low responsibility job for a few hours in a friendly place is ideal. 1
JonjMie Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Hi Lianalady I read through your thread last night as I stumbled across this forum after wondering what to do with my own disastrous love life. It seems already that your through the shock phase and into the anger bit, use it wisely, otherwise like me you'll end up an even bigger victim. I start to wonder if I can even be bothered to date anymore but have to have a positive attitude that I want to spend the east of my life with someone that deserves me, and it's taken me a long time to get to his stage. All the cliches are true, staying in on your own is the most loneliest existence so I joined the gym, enjoy watching movies and threw myself into my job, as I sell cars that's good as it means more money if I sell more so there's an upside. I also embarked all my grief on friends at work, not to weigh them down with it but just when they ask, alright mate, I say, not great today but getting better. Right I'm rambling but just wanted to say your story moved me, you sound like a great girl and bollocks to anyone that doesn't see that, they don't deserve you. Ive registered so I can say Hi !!! 1
Author Lianalady Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Do you realise how much it helps when you realise you're not alone. Decent people feel the loss of love. Careless people never do. Imagine that for a moment. If I was like him my life would be poorer. Experiencing heartbreak makes us rich. Rich in spirit and with the kind of depth that others lack. Vulnerable but alive. Ok, I'm rambling. Just saw him in the street and was surprised by the pity I felt. He said he was not 100% happy and I told him 'you can be. I am' I wished him luck and success and said 'goodbye, take care of yourself' and I meant it. I said goodbye. I smiled I wished him well and I saw his confusion and discomfort. I'd rather be me than him anyday. Please take from my situation the message that love, un-requited or trampled on is never the wrong decision. So many of us out there dealing with our own personal trauma, whatever that may be. But, we're not alone. In one of his books Terry Pratchett said we should open our eyes, then open them again. See situations for what they are. Stand back and evaluate. He was spot on.
dyna85 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Decent people feel the loss of love. Careless people never do. Imagine that for a moment. If I was like him my life would be poorer. Experiencing heartbreak makes us rich. Rich in spirit and with the kind of depth that others lack. Vulnerable but alive. This. Better to have loved with an open heart than to be closed off emotionally and unable to experience its depth. Love is a beautiful thing, no matter how painful it may feel when it's not reciprocated. As much as it may not be received in the manner in which we would hope, it's still put out there, and the love that you give ultimately flows back to you. Hugs to you Lianalady. You are deserving of someone who appreciates you for your heart and the love that you have to give. 3
JonjMie Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Small amounts of personal development such as being able to say hi in the street are all put there along the way to make you stronger and part of the process to erase the bad parts from your life, in years to come you'll cherish the good bits without feeling like you need to have anything to do with him. And what was bad in your relationship he will probably be doing to someone else. I have genuinely learned and become a better person, I'm almost best friends with my ex wife and husband now, we get on well, I go the for dinner and it means I get to see my girls more often. Looking forward to seeing your story develop and grow. 2
BC1980 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 You asked the question "What do I do now?" The immediate thing, which is probably the hardest to do when something like this has happened, is nothing. I cannot recommend highly enough not making any major changes in your life, living arrangements etc until you have let the dust settle a bit. I'd wait at least 3 months. Live quietly as possible, take every opportunity to do stuff that you enjoy, try and rebuilt relationships with your friends. If after 3 months you still feel the need to move, then you know it's not coming from a knee jerk reaction to the events. You are already in a strong position as you have your own house and a job that enjoy, and the support of your children. I know that living in a small community it is going to be very hard to avoid any mention of your ex and his new woman, but try as hard as possible to do so. I would assume that you've already had the sense to block your ex from being able to contact you through any methods, including social networks. When I divorced my first husband I was only 24. I decided to move to the other side of the world a week later. Only a year later I was back where I started, £7K poorer and virtually homeless. I'd let the emotions of the divorce overwhelm me and tried running away from my feelings...which of course didn't work, they just followed me and became worse because I was alone with no support. That was 22 years ago and I still regret (and am still paying, both emotionally and career wise) for rushing to change my life. I hope 2015 is a good year for you. This times a 1000. I was told to wait a year before making any major decisions, and it was good advice. In the immediate aftermath, I was all over the place. One day I wanted to move, the next I wanted to go travel nursing, the next day I wanted to go back to school and stay put. A major decision will cause you more stress when you need to save up all your resources to work through your grief. 1
Author Lianalady Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Today I made a long, long list of all the reasons why I am better off and all the many times he was mean and bitter. How he would never compliment me but was very ready to criticise. My days are now getting better and I am back at work and thinking about new challenges. However, my nights are awful. Still relying on sleepers but having troubling dreams and poor quality sleep. I reflected that when I saw him he asked no questions like 'how are you doing?' And, didn't take the opportunity to say 'I'm sorry how it all ended' or 'I hope we can be friends' instead he started to tell me how his new life was not 100% satisfactory for HIM! Glad I shut him down, kept a smile in my face and didn't attempt to recriminate. Just told him 'take care, goodbye'. So, I'm coming to terms with being alone and having been asked out by a couple of men and declined, am confident that dating again is not something I can manage right now. Yet again someone told me something about his new partner (alienating his children and his friends with her attitude) but I shut them down and said 'please don't talk to me about them'. A friend told me on Saturday that there are three likely options for what happens next; they find a new home together and build a relationship that works, she gets pregnant or they fall apart and he is alone. She said 'whichever of these options it is, it's none of your business, what happens in your life is all that should concern you'. She was right. But, it's hard. 3
ralfgarnett Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 "Still relying on sleepers but having troubling dreams" same here coming up to 6 months for me after a long time together, had the most awfull run of dreams last night left me feeling out of sorts all day, funny thing was that until last week bed was my really safe place where I could go to get away from the pain, but the past 4 nights I have been having issues with bad dreams and panic attacks, if you continue have problems go and see your GP and seek proper help for it, btw I would like to add that you look absolutely stunning please feel free to move up here to the North West I would love to have a lovely female friend like you to go on walks with or to go out to dinner with, I make a pretty mean Lancashire hotpot.
Author Lianalady Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 You're so right. I have been counting down the hours until I can just go to bed, sleep and escape. Now, I dread the dreams and the unwanted thoughts that flow through my head which try as I might I can't stop. I feel exhausted by morning which doesn't help to make my days more positive. I know that I must go 'cold turkey' with the sleepers if I can ever hope to have natural sleep again but I'm scared to do it. Thank you for the compliment. It's always nice to hear but makes me wonder if it's my character that's flawed as looking ok obviuosly hasn't brought me love and happiness. I guess I've been looking in the wrong places?
pteromom Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I hear the very good sense of you guys and I know that you're all talking sense. I do blame myself for staying so long with a man who had little regard for me as a person, my job, my views on parenting.... Pretty much everything really! This isn't what I envisaged I'd be like at this stage of my life. He told me once that reading about life in books was pointless and to my shame I stopped (and I used to be a Librarian, so literature was my passion). I consider myself an educated, aware woman but I have let myself be completely destroyed emotionally by a drug-using, selfish man. I found out about his new lady (incidentally the daughter of one of his friends who he watched grow up and used to socialise with his own 19 yr old daughter) when I saw them walking down to his caravan together at night. I asked where he was headed and he said 'back to the van with my new partner'. I was so shocked all I could think of to say was 'are you happy?' After mumbling some vague accusations about me being 'too full on' he then said 'just f*** off and leave me alone!' This from a man who a few weeks previously had talked of marriage and would get upset if I didn't immediately respond to texts he sent during the day. I'm ashamed to say I miss those texts. Just simple and obviously meaningless words of love. I feel so damaged by my failings as well as his. My children (both brilliant and hardworking) were home for Xmas and told me they were so relieved he was gone but we're frustrated by my grief. He sounds horrible. Just remember that the reason he has likely chosen a 22 year old is because he sees her as naive and easier to control. You are so lucky to get away from him, and hopefully she learns sooner than later. When he comes sniffing around (and he will - when things go sour with the 22 year old, or when he gets sick of his living conditions), be strong enough to demand more for yourself. You deserve better than what he could give you. 1
pteromom Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 It's always nice to hear but makes me wonder if it's my character that's flawed as looking ok obviuosly hasn't brought me love and happiness. I guess I've been looking in the wrong places? Looking ok doesn't make you happy. It just gives you more opportunity - a bigger pond to fish in. It's still your responsibility to throw back the bad fish. You have to be willing to walk away as soon as you see someone isn't a good guy. You have to not go by how he makes you feel or how he quells your loneliness, but instead choose a partner based on his honesty, integrity, respect, and kindness. The right guy will not only love that you read, but will come home with a book he knew you'd love when he saw it in a shop window. He'll believe he is the luckiest man in the world to have found you, and will be able to give and receive love. Don't settle for less! 1
ralfgarnett Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 You're so right. I have been counting down the hours until I can just go to bed, sleep and escape. Now, I dread the dreams and the unwanted thoughts that flow through my head which try as I might I can't stop. I feel exhausted by morning which doesn't help to make my days more positive. I know that I must go 'cold turkey' with the sleepers if I can ever hope to have natural sleep again but I'm scared to do it. Thank you for the compliment. It's always nice to hear but makes me wonder if it's my character that's flawed as looking ok obviuosly hasn't brought me love and happiness. I guess I've been looking in the wrong places? out of interest have you ever considered mindfulness in order to aid stress reduction and your sleep pattern ?, I did start on it last year but have fotrgoten to use it, this link from you tube will tell you more https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=mindfulness+meditation+for+anxiety I hope its ok to post this here if not I apologise in advance, but it could be useful for you im going to start uing it again as my anxiety levels are quite high at the moment
ralfgarnett Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Hi Lian how did you sleep last night ?, personally I had the best nights sleep in 5 nights, I think sometimes its mind over matter and last night I deliberately stayed up 45 minutes or so longer than usual and had a couple of stiff drinks at bedtime just to take the edge off my thoughts as today would of been my late mums birthday, did you take a look / listen at the mindfulness suggestions I sent you ?, if your interestred there was quite coincidentally a programme about it on Radio4 yesterday evening and you could easily listen to that via the BBC Radio Iplayer, it was very intrestesting and re-introduced myself to the concept, maybe it could help you too.
Author Lianalady Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 Trying to reduce the sleeping tablets which is hard as I still long for sleep and feel so exhausted, pretty much all the time. This small town thing is what really holds me back now. Someone thought it would be a good idea to tell me how he was bragging on NYE about having such a young partner and what a 'stud' he is. I know this just confirms what a disrespectful fool he is and also his ideas about women in general, but, it still felt like a knife to the heart. Everything I hear about his partner suggests she's an unpleasant character herself so I suppose they deserve each other? I have caring friend and family but just feel so alone. I used to tell him everything. Even small, unimportant stuff and lived to hear his voice. He was so casual with me in the street the other day. It's like he's become someone I don't recognise. How can someone change so much and throw so much away?
ralfgarnett Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 "He was so casual with me in the street the other day. It's like he's become someone I don't recognise. How can someone change so much and throw so much away? " I don't know but that gets to me as well, my wife was always so kind and thoughtful now she is like a stranger to me and it hurts, not been too good myself today I too hit a downer about an hour ago and had to ring the samritans just for someone to talk to, I work from home which used to be great now I detest every second of it and can barely concentrate on it as you can tell by me posting in business hours. With regards your partner sorry to say this but he sounds a completely disrespectful individual with little or no respect for himself never mind anyone else, yes they probably do deserve each other and it will more than likely fizzle out and that is when you will have the ball in your court as he may well come sniffing around like the sleazy old dog that he is and that is when you need to be strong.
Author Lianalady Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 Hey there. Sorry to hear you've been so low today. Your kind advice has really helped me. I can't understand your ex wife's coldness unless she feels guilt that she can't confront and you just remind her of that. Cold people, live old sad lives I think. Better to be warm and open hearted if if some perceive that as weakness. I think you should make the effort to get out of the house, fir a walk or a coffee or to feed the ducks, whatever helps. The Samaritans are great though and if talking to them helps then that's good. Why not treat yourself to a good take-away this evening and watch something frivolous on TV. I ave a lady coming to clean my house tonight (even though I've already done it!) just for company!
ralfgarnett Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 "I can't understand your ex wife's coldness unless she feels guilt that she can't confront and you just remind her of that. Cold people, live old sad lives I think. Better to be warm and open hearted if if some perceive that as weakness." Hi Lian I think its just all part of the front they put on, she is probably hurting and scared inside too but needs to justify her wayward actions so they put on a front, must admit it hurts as we were always very close and had no secrets from each other, I think my wife is broken and lost and does know how to repair or find herself, it will all blow up in her face I am sure of it because this is one of the reasons that she went in to meltdown in the first place so the cycle will repeat itself time and again until she learns not to bottle thinsg up, at least I show my emotions I am hurting like hell and not afraid to admit it or do anything about it.
JonjMie Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Hi guys just checking in with you, Lian, instead of talking prescribed meds I have been taking Calms I bought on Amazon from the U.S., herbal remedy and take the edge off anxiety, slept a bit better yesterday but sometimes I awake after only dozing for an hour then can't get back off. Off the gym tonight again, each night I'm trying to do 1000 more meters on the rowing machine so up to 3k tonight, not worried about time just focused on distance, gives me a goal and objective to get done, then at 9pm there is a car dealer fly in the wall thing on BBC2 all these things should stop me sitting here stewing, fitness has to be an upside of this. Do you feel you might move away Lian, I live ten miles from my ex in another market town, far enough but still tempting to take the other road and drive to her house, knock on the door. I know that doesn't achieve anything though. I've lived in small towns and the mentality can be very different although facing up to it right there on site is the quickest recovery I'm guessing you will get.
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