elaine567 Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 I've been prescribed something called Zopiclone for sleep but although I take two (which I shouldn't) it doesn't hold me asleep and gives me troubling dreams. I have imagined them cuddled up together in the van we only recently went away in, where he kissed my head and said he loved me! It hurt so much when I text him for an answer for everything but she then sent me a message, as he must have shown her. He would never have shown me his phone or a text from an ex. He seems to be someone completely different to the man I thought I knew inside out. The look of hatred on his face the last time I saw him was such a huge shock. I just don't get how he doesn't realise how I must feel. He was always so jealous and possessive of me. I married very young and after divorce was single for ages (bringing up my children) so have a pretty limited sexual history but even that made him mad with jealousy. His new lady has, shall we say 'embraced her sexual freedom' in her 22 years even having an affair with his married father of 3 friend in the past (which he said disgusted him). It's something I will never understand and scares the hell out of me for the future. Another poster said I was a 'pleaser'. She's spot on but I don't know how else to be. Just loved him and jumped in with both feet. Uh oh! Starting to go over and over it again!!! Watch this - - 15 Traits of People Pleaser Syndrome (in 15 minutes) 1
broken77 Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 22 year old girls don't know their butt from a hole in the wall. I would be very surprised if this lasts longer than a few months. 2
Author Lianalady Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 Thanks for you message. Was unsure about using a forum but it has helped me so much. I did a bad thing today and checked out her FB page. It was painful to see pics of them together having a high old time but it was clear that her main interests are posting abuse to 'enemies' and obsessing about hair, nails and make up! He will get so bored (haha). I've come to see friends in Cornwall (which is totally beautiful) and am quite literally in the middle of nowhere. It feels good to be surrounded by friends and their numerous animals but starting to dread going back to my big empty house.
amaysngrace Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Your house isn't empty if you have a dog. Mine is my baby and my BF and my husband all wrapped up into one! Go home, draw a bath, make some tea, play some music and relax. Or dance. With your dog. 3
Author Lianalady Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 I have loads of chocolate left from Christmas! My home is warm and beautiful and my dog Max is my best ever friend. Sad thing is Max misses him too. She has a dog of a similar breed and one of the photos on FB showed him cuddling it.... Double betrayal! Thanks for all the love everyone. X 2
quoththeraven Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 (edited) It seems he's had some sort of addiction to medication or something, right? Well, people with addictive tendencies can do terrible things on the turn of a dime. Unfortunately, I was involved with an alcoholic and he abandoned me abruptly while I thought we had a deeply committed relationship. It was the shock of my life and I too could barely eat or sleep. I simply couldn't wrap my mind around it, because I would never do that to someone. But people with addictive tendencies are generally mentally unstable, self-centered, and well, just not good partners. It's very disconcerting to be with someone who appears normal and is saying all the right things and you think they are feeling all of the love that you are feeling, and then they just....leave. It makes no sense. The only explanation is that they are not right in the head. It's nothing you did, although he might blame you if he ever got around to giving you some closure. Anything that comes out of an addictive, mentally unstable person's mouth should not be taken seriously at all. It's irrelevant. You've been treated very badly and you've had a bad shock. The person you trusted and loved deeply has proven to be not worthy of your trust or your love. And there's no real closure because it's not like you caused it or can fix it. The young "lady" he's with is of no importance. He just wanted an easy partner in crime while he goes off and does whatever it is he wants to do--drugs, perhaps? She fits the bill. Of course it's not love. Love develops slowly, over time, between people capable of mature behaviour and caring. Neither he nor she qualifies. So, you wasted your time and energy and love on an unworthy man who is now running around with someone so inferior to you, it's humiliating. You are not the first woman this has happened to, nor will you be the last. I hope you can take comfort in knowing that what he did to you is not personal at all. If you have a lot of support where you live, then maybe you should stay there. If not, perhaps it's best to move and have a fresh start somewhere you won't be having his fling rubbed in your face. Maybe downsize to a cosier house. Decorate it exactly how you like. Get a puppy? Take care of yourself. Eat lots of pate right now! You are young and attractive and there are better men out there. Of course you miss him, but time truly does heal everything. You may just have to bide your time until the feelings and shock eventually dull. It may seem endless. But it WILL get better. And you'll meet a much more suitable man eventually and wonder why you ever wasted your time with Mr. Flaky. Except that you didn't waste your time. You helped raised his children and you were a good partner. Now take some time to heal and then go find someone who deserves you! Edited December 29, 2014 by quoththeraven 2
darkmoon Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 i used to get fed up with looking older, til i found out that i was wanted for me, i get a different kind of love from different kinds of people now, and i am very happy with some various close friends now, sometimes we drive each potty, but that is rare
Author Lianalady Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 You're right he was addicted. He smoked cannabis endlessly which just became a norm for him and was the main reason he had a caravan, as I didn't like it around me. What I didn't realise until recently was his use if other drugs. Just before he left he turned up at my house in a very odd state. I asked him what he had taken as he was slurring and euphoric. He said 'I'm just stoned babe'. Having worked with drug users for part of my career I knew it wasn't the case. I was later told he was taking Diazepam on a come down from Cocaine. That night would have been our last chance to talk but instead he fell into a deep sleep on my sofa and I had to leave early the following morning to visit my children in London. Whilst I was away I found out he went out partying (at his new lady's house) then let himself into my home to sleep, which he lied to me about. The following day he sent me endless texts accusing me of not loving him enough, not trusting him, not planning a future and said he didn't want to 'live' anymore. I called him from London telling him I would come home and visit the GP with him and support him. I told him I loved him and would marry hi and care for him forever. When I got back he refused to see me but by then I found out he'd lied so much so I went to see him. He was evasive and looked defeated. I was angry and told him he shouldn't have lied and made me worry just because he was on a come down from drugs. I left and he blocked me on his phone, so that was the last time we were alone together until I saw him a couple of days later with his new lady. She knows about his drug use, his poor employment history (heard he just walked out of his current job) but she doesn't know about his temper and his paranoia. I sometimes feel sorry for her as hard nose and arrogant as she is. I know I'm better off out, but, dealing with his issues, listening to his dreams and being together when he was straight was my life and I had a purpose. Now I feel like I have nothing whilst he is happily ensconced with his lady (and two dogs) having fun times. The thought of them together drives me insane with grief. I worked so hard at the relationship and he just doesn't care.
Author Lianalady Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 Well, I'm back home. Still finding sleep without nightmares difficult. The other night I had such a vivid dream about walking along the river with him that I woke up convinced it had actually happened. My first thought was to call him as I would normally have done, then realised I can't anymore. Just felt sad and tearful, all day. Getting so exasperated with myself. When will I start to feel normal again? When will his face and the smell of his hair or holding his hand leave my head? When will the thought of him holding someone else not make me curl into a ball on the floor like a madwoman?
Lokin4AReason Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I feel you on your situation ( working on something and getting nothing back ) its rough, sad to say =0/ sounds like that you are better w/o ( without ) him in your life because he wouldn't notice you ( the real you ). the person that stood by him through any situation but his mind was else where ( i.e. smoking ) holidays are/ will be rough ( esp. alone ) but the new beginning is near =0) 2
elaine567 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 myself. When will I start to feel normal again? When you realise that you were "addicted" to a paranoid, unstable, drug addict and when you realise he cared so much for you, that he went off with a 22 year old... When you start seeing reality and stop idealising him and your relationship, you will then truly realise you are better off without him and you will heal. 4
amaysngrace Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 When you realise that you were "addicted" to a paranoid, unstable, drug addict and when you realise he cared so much for you, that he went off with a 22 year old... When you start seeing reality and stop idealising him and your relationship, you will then truly realise you are better off without him and you will heal. You forgot liar. He was a liar too. Lady how do you know what was true and what were lies when you're in a relationship with a liar? 3
Author Lianalady Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 How foolish I have been left feeling. I let friendships slide and myself feel valueless. Still miss the good things. Watching nature programmes, going onto Dartmoor, holding hands. Silly stuff. Realising that he never really cared despite everything. I was just his fall-back option. Shouldn't feel jealous of his new lady sat in a cold cramped camper in a muddy field with two dogs and no loo but I still do. Just sitting with him, doing nothing felt better than being alone. I let so many opportunities pass me by so I could stay with him yet I'm such a smart woman. My daughter told me that I need to learn to value myself so I can find someone who appreciates me and she is right, but I have been so weak and I'm ashamed. 1
me85 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 All I can tell ya is I'm sorry you're hurting. )= You just have to decide things for yourself now. Don't wonder "why this or why that or did he ever really love me??" The sad truth is we will never really know, no matter what they told us. We have to make up our own minds about it, them, the situation and move on the best we can. You have to believe you're a beautiful, strong woman or the world will rip you to shreds every time. I do wish you the very best. I hope you start believing in yourself soon! 3
Lokin4AReason Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 everybody learns differently ( from others or personal experience ) you just need to place yourself in a positive atmosphere along w/ positive people. avoid beating yourself up for him ( hes not worth it nor your time )and thinking negative. its time for you. rediscovering ones self ( as in yourself ). don't look at it as a bad thing, but a new direction in life so what about past opportunities, there are always new one(s) out there to be found. and probably even better than the past ones ... =0) go out for new years and enjoy yourself. whats the worst thing that can happen, making new friend(s) .. 2
amaysngrace Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 You should never be ashamed to love. Opening your heart is a brave, courageous move. There is no shame in that. I'm wondering how fast he came on to you and incorporated himself into your life? As quickly as this new girl? I believe the stronger the come on the less sincere it is. True feelings take time to develop. I also believe that sometimes when we are in a relationship we see in our partners the positive traits in ourselves, just mirroring back at us. So in that way all the good things you think were his positive attributes are actually just your own. Maybe you should start to recognize these traits in yourself a little more? 5
Elle1975 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 The story of your dog reminds me of mine. A couple years ago, frankly can't remember the date.. anyway.. a couple years ago I broke up with a guy I had been dating for a few months. I saw him a week or so after the break up at my local DD, and one things he asked was "does <name of my dog> miss me?". I looked at the guy and said "he'll get over it" and got into my car (I know.. not nice.. I win! ). My point is.. your dog will "get over it" and so will you, with time, with work, the realization that he doesn't hold the key to your heart. As for my story, I stopped going to this particular coffee place. It's awkward to run into an ex, and furthermore, who did he think he was thinking he had left a mark in my dog's life?! Dogs love unconditionally. They don't care if we are rich or poor, if we are ugly or beautiful. They just love. My dog is my numero uno. In my mind, your ex does not deserve your dog's love - or yours. Let's put it bluntly, the fcker left and didn't give a rat's tail about your or the dog. I'm rambling... I just think that this is just another example of how undeserving he is. You have a great New Year's Eve 2
RaidDolEm78 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Hi Lianalady- I feel your pain. I went through a very similar situation. Mine was a 7 year relationship ended by text message. Although no word was mentioned of there being someone else, it came out later on. And I had a feeling of who it was, just prayed it wasn't her. She had just turned 17 at the time and he was 36. He left all the joint debt on me. This was 18 months ago and I have just recently started to turn the corner, so to speak. I see how much of my precious time was wasted on thoughts of him. I would hate to see someone else waste that much time as well. I could have put that time to better use to improve things about me. I had been seeing a therapist, which helped tremendously. But I'm talking about all of my free time, when I wasn't doing anything, I just chose to sit and think. I had met up with him about 6 months ago, and he still chose to lie to my face. I can see him now for what he really is, and know that I deserve better. I still get sad every once in a while for the dreams I had that will never come true, but I know now that I have the chance to dream new dreams that I never would have even considered if I was still with him. The future now excites me. So I say, just be gentle with yourself and know your worth. I know it's cliche, but time really is key, although it may not feel like it now.
FitChick Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Maybe this will help you decide where to move. Good luck! 1
Author Lianalady Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 When I read about how others have been let down, cheated on and lied too, I feel so angry that people can behave that way. Then I remember that someone treated me that way too! I am glad that I am a person who can feel love for others and will not let myself become cynical and embittered as that would be a real loss. I thought about how, when I met my ex he was renting a small cottage and having his children there every 2nd week. His oldest daughter became the substitute 'mother' and did most of the cooking and looking after the younger ones. I felt happy to help asxI took some of the pressure from her. Within two months he suggested moving in with me as it would be financially sensible for him not to pay for the cottage (I had already lent him the previous months rent) and he could pay his way at mine. I agreed, re-arranged my home to accommodate his children (which meant converting my dining room into a bedroom for my own children when they visited during breaks from Uni. Don't believe he ever really paid his way as he often had no money but I was happy to feed the children and pay for stuff. I felt amazed that having not lived with anyone since my divorce 11 years earlier, I had taken that step. It didn't take long for him to start controlling everything and he was not supportive. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and he didn't attend the hospital with me. My father died, he didn't come to the funeral or even call or text on the day ( he later apologised for that). I would call him and if I didn't say 'love you' at the end of every sentence he would go mad but if Waited for him to say it he would accuse me of 'manipulating' him. I know as I write this what a total loser he was (his own friends told me as much) but it troubles me that I could have idealised such a man. What was going on in my rational brain? 2
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 When I read about how others have been let down, cheated on and lied too, I feel so angry that people can behave that way. Then I remember that someone treated me that way too! I am glad that I am a person who can feel love for others and will not let myself become cynical and embittered as that would be a real loss. I thought about how, when I met my ex he was renting a small cottage and having his children there every 2nd week. His oldest daughter became the substitute 'mother' and did most of the cooking and looking after the younger ones. I felt happy to help asxI took some of the pressure from her. Within two months he suggested moving in with me as it would be financially sensible for him not to pay for the cottage (I had already lent him the previous months rent) and he could pay his way at mine. I agreed, re-arranged my home to accommodate his children (which meant converting my dining room into a bedroom for my own children when they visited during breaks from Uni. Don't believe he ever really paid his way as he often had no money but I was happy to feed the children and pay for stuff. I felt amazed that having not lived with anyone since my divorce 11 years earlier, I had taken that step. It didn't take long for him to start controlling everything and he was not supportive. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and he didn't attend the hospital with me. My father died, he didn't come to the funeral or even call or text on the day ( he later apologised for that). I would call him and if I didn't say 'love you' at the end of every sentence he would go mad but if Waited for him to say it he would accuse me of 'manipulating' him. I know as I write this what a total loser he was (his own friends told me as much) but it troubles me that I could have idealised such a man. What was going on in my rational brain? I guess you were suffering from the empty nest syndrome, kids at uni, made worse by no husband. Ready made family comes along, you cannot believe your luck, not only are they there, they NEED you, you feel you have a role, a purpose again. The man needs you too, so you bend over backwards helping everyone. You wrote a fairy tale in your mind too. You did not consider WHY this man was so needy, why he couldn't take care of his family, why he couldn't even pay rent? You were so busy helping, and happy to help, you didn't see him for what he was. Meanwhile he lapped it all up, but after a while I guess he started to resent you, few people like to feel beholden to others. He probably started seeing you as some sort of a mother figure, and what do kids tend to do at some point, they rebel. That is why he is living in a caravan as happy as larry, with a girl young enough to be his daughter, he rebelled and he took back the reins. 1
Author Lianalady Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Yes. I do like to feel needed and Im clear that he resented me for always stepping into the breach and sorting things out for him. Living in my home, using my car etc etc But I certainly doubt he has the lead in his new relationship. She may be young but she is by all accounts a hard-nosed, arrogant person happy to let others run around after her. I think perhaps they deserve each other but I'm still left wondering 'what do I do now?'
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Yes. I do like to feel needed and Im clear that he resented me for always stepping into the breach and sorting things out for him. Living in my home, using my car etc etc But I certainly doubt he has the lead in his new relationship. She may be young but she is by all accounts a hard-nosed, arrogant person happy to let others run around after her. I think perhaps they deserve each other but I'm still left wondering 'what do I do now?' Yes, but she is exactly the type of girl, his "mother" wouldn't approve of, isn't she? And without her ordering him around, he, being, I guess pretty feckless, probably wouldn't have had the gumption to leave. You made a mistake taking him into your life, you are not alone, do not beat yourself up. As to what you do now? You carry on trying to make YOUR life better, he was the albatross around your neck, YOU are now free to do what YOU want. It is all about YOU now, go find out what makes YOU happy. 2
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