How Am I Handling Things?

[Leigh 87]

Could it be that he's actually interested in you?

 

Perhaps I'm reading this incorrectly, but do you think that maybe all your talk about him not being into you was a form of self-protection on your part?

 

Listen, people make mistakes and they don't always do what we want them to do. Him texting you to cancel was not ideal, sure, but that doesn't definitively mean that he's not into you. You started this thread YESTERDAY, and by the middle of it, you were so sure that he wasn't into you that you were ready to text him and write him off. Slow your roll, girl. Sit back and see how this plays out. Right now you don't know either way. Yes, it's true that dating is a risk—liking someone is a risk, because it's true, we don't know if they're gonna like us back. But don't read into every little thing he does as proof of how he feels.

 

Also, who cares if you're not what "most guys" find attractive. I'm not conventionally attractive either, and I oftentimes feel like I don't deserve to be happy because of it, but the truth is there ARE guys out there who do find you attractive, and they're not at all "settling."

 

Thanks so much.

 

I'm not terribly naive and, honestly, when a guy cancells by text and doesn't ask to make alternative plans, he is usually not that into you.

 

I didn't expect him to step up but he did call me to apologize and to tell me that he was really excited about getting to know me and he was scared that he screwed that up.

[Leigh 87]

Could it be that he's actually interested in you?

 

Perhaps I'm reading this incorrectly, but do you think that maybe all your talk about him not being into you was a form of self-protection on your part?

 

Listen, people make mistakes and they don't always do what we want them to do. Him texting you to cancel was not ideal, sure, but that doesn't definitively mean that he's not into you. You started this thread YESTERDAY, and by the middle of it, you were so sure that he wasn't into you that you were ready to text him and write him off. Slow your roll, girl. Sit back and see how this plays out. Right now you don't know either way. Yes, it's true that dating is a risk—liking someone is a risk, because it's true, we don't know if they're gonna like us back. But don't read into every little thing he does as proof of how he feels.

 

Also, who cares if you're not what "most guys" find attractive. I'm not conventionally attractive either, and I oftentimes feel like I don't deserve to be happy because of it, but the truth is there ARE guys out there who do find you attractive, and they're not at all "settling."

 

And people on loveshack bring me back down to reality - yes if a guy cancels plans by text - he isn't into me. 100%.

 

Because he called me and apologised for not calling me to make new plans and etc, and he reiterated that he really wanted to continue to get to know me and to see me again - and he explained why he liked me - and also said that he cannot wait to see me - I am still not hopeful that I am the 1 in a million exception to the rule, he is likely full of crap. But I am at least giving him a chance. It is not like I prompted him to call me. He initiated the " I am so sorry" texts and the call.

 

About being unconventionally good looking - some men think I am gorgeous, some don't. I never seem to have a shortage of men who do think I am attractive yet I know just as many men DO NOT find me attractive!

 

I do feel funny as though maybe he is still figuring out if he finds me attractive enough to bother with - he does ask for selfies and he also sends me selfies. Not rude ones - he doesn't like sexual selfies. I sent him one of me in bed and he said I looked really nice though. He has mentioned that he finds me attractive once or twice.

 

Anyway - I am not stupid enough to believe a guy who cancels on me when he calls me up and says " I am sooo sorry, I cannot wait to see you again, I am excited about getting to know you, this was a legit mistake I know I messed up, sorry!"

 

I harbour maybe... a little bit of hope that a guy I feel great attraction and chemistry with - COULD be into me.

 

Realistically speaking, I know that when it comes to the men we are attracted to and excited about - it is rare for them to reciprocate, and it is FAR MORE common for them to lie through their teeth just to get laid and because they have nothing better to do than chat to you.

 

I think I am a realist - I give men like this one a chance because I know that not all men are A hole liars! There are plenty of great men out there... Yet yeah, it is rarely the men we feel chemistry and excitement towards that are the ones who ARE genuinely nice guys who are into us. Or else we would all be in relationships with men who give us butterflies from the first date or two!

[Conners]

Geez give the guy a break! If he was lying about having to take his mother out why would he be apologizing and acting needy now?

No offense it sounds like you're on a bit of a power trip. You're telling us that it wasn't ok yet you are like "yep, cool" to him trying to act normal. If it wasn't ok with you why did you not just say that to him, delete his number and move on? He sounds genuinely remorseful.

 

 

 

I feel sorry for the guy in this.

[anne1707]

Geez give the guy a break! If he was lying about having to take his mother out why would he be apologizing and acting needy now?

No offense it sounds like you're on a bit of a power trip. You're telling us that it wasn't ok yet you are like "yep, cool" to him trying to act normal. If it wasn't ok with you why did you not just say that to him, delete his number and move on? He sounds genuinely remorseful.

 

 

 

I feel sorry for the guy in this.

 

I have to agree. If there is this much analysis over so little then the poor bloke would run a mile if he found out. And this is with Leigh saying she is being relaxed about it all.

[Leigh 87]

Geez give the guy a break! If he was lying about having to take his mother out why would he be apologizing and acting needy now?

No offense it sounds like you're on a bit of a power trip. You're telling us that it wasn't ok yet you are like "yep, cool" to him trying to act normal. If it wasn't ok with you why did you not just say that to him, delete his number and move on? He sounds genuinely remorseful.

 

 

 

I feel sorry for the guy in this.

 

I did tell him. I just don't think it is cool to act offended and weird and all too intense to a guy you just met - what was I supposed to say after he texted he had to cancel?! " oh fine then whatever":lmao: I tried to act true to myself - I said a one word " ok" which is code for " ok. I am a little shirty". He caught on and knew what I meant hence why he rang and apologised.

 

I was disappointed but we don't know each other well enough for me to have voiced my distaste beyond the one line " OK" text. He caught on and knew what I meant. I didn't go over the top; he knew I wasn't cool with it but he also knew I wasn't flaming mad, either.

 

I said look, I have experience in dating and yeah it just seemed that you cancelling by text was a bit of a turn off - When he rang. I told him how I felt about it. He then went on to appease me and that is that.

 

I am realistic! I don't think he is that into me until he proves otherwise. I never do with men anymore. The ones I thought were into me and who acted as such either lost interest or turned out to never be that into me to begin with - so yeah, as far as I am concerned he isn't that into me as of yet. I don't know him well enough to determine his true level of interest.

 

I enjoy writing about my dating life. Don't take it the wrong way please. The guys I wrote about in the past I forgot easily - I wrote about them because I enjoy it. I enjoy talking about dating to people online since you are from all walks of life and you can best guide me as to how I should act and what I SHOULD expect.

 

Today, after his early morning " I cannot wait to see you again" text, I sent a short reply to which he replied to. We haven't talked since. I have been sick in bed all day and he is hung over.

 

I have learnt from this situation that: a guy isn't into you if he doesn't call you every day or two and set up regular dates. I don't want an incessant texter, I prefer phone calls, as I feel more connected to the person; like I am genuinely getting to know them properly.

 

However, I haven't known him long enough to deduce whether or not he is that into me, or whether he is just looking for a fun time.

[Conners]

I did tell him. I just don't think it is cool to act offended and weird and all too intense to a guy you just met - what was I supposed to say after he texted he had to cancel?! " oh fine then whatever":lmao: I tried to act true to myself - I said a one word " ok" which is code for " ok. I am a little shirty". He caught on and knew what I meant hence why he rang and apologised.

 

I was disappointed but we don't know each other well enough for me to have voiced my distaste beyond the one line " OK" text. He caught on and knew what I meant. I didn't go over the top; he knew I wasn't cool with it but he also knew I wasn't flaming mad, either.

 

I said look, I have experience in dating and yeah it just seemed that you cancelling by text was a bit of a turn off - When he rang. I told him how I felt about it. He then went on to appease me and that is that.

 

I am realistic! I don't think he is that into me until he proves otherwise. I never do with men anymore. The ones I thought were into me and who acted as such either lost interest or turned out to never be that into me to begin with - so yeah, as far as I am concerned he isn't that into me as of yet. I don't know him well enough to determine his true level of interest.

 

I enjoy writing about my dating life. Don't take it the wrong way please. The guys I wrote about in the past I forgot easily - I wrote about them because I enjoy it. I enjoy talking about dating to people online since you are from all walks of life and you can best guide me as to how I should act and what I SHOULD expect.

 

Today, after his early morning " I cannot wait to see you again" text, I sent a short reply to which he replied to. We haven't talked since. I have been sick in bed all day and he is hung over.

 

I have learnt from this situation that: a guy isn't into you if he doesn't call you every day or two and set up regular dates. I don't want an incessant texter, I prefer phone calls, as I feel more connected to the person; like I am genuinely getting to know them properly.

 

However, I haven't known him long enough to deduce whether or not he is that into me, or whether he is just looking for a fun time.

 

The blunt and short replies are uncalled for, if you don't want anything to do with him anymore then why bother engaging in conversation with him? He apologised many times, stated he does want to see you but you no longer are giving him the time of day. I would understand if he bailed twice but things happen. It's almost like you expect to come before his mother after just one date. You are also "flaming mad" if you are going to quickly assume he's a good for nothing user.

 

MAN, if I cancelled on a guy because I genuinely forgot plans I had committed to with my own family and the guy was like "ok" and started acting blunt and snooty I would f*** him right off.

Ugh total turn off. The more you try to portray yourself as non-clingy the more clingy and unstable you seem.

[Leigh 87]

There is a cute Italian guy I met a couple of weeks ago that I have decided to progress things with as he has always seemed very interested. He has said that he has been excited about meeting up with me again for days now but I put him on the back burner after I met the current guy.

 

I will catch up with him sometime and talk on the phone to him, to get to know him better.. The Italian guy. He is showing more interest than the other guy so why not.

 

Candie 13 is right - just because guy one has alluded to wanting us to focus on each other and not date around- I don't know the guy and so I owe it to myself to open myself up to men who are showing me more interest than he is.

 

I don't want to get physical with either guy and rather, just want to get to know them both.

 

I will rule guy one out if he doesn't call tonight OR tomorrow night to set up another date.At that stage, I will tell him a brief thanks but no thanks or I will just stop responding to his texts. His recent apology was enough for me to give him another shot but yeah, he really cannot wait to see me, as he stated, he will surely back it up with actions. Not just words.

 

On the other hand, the Italian guy sounds nice and definitely worth chatting to and getting to know at this stage. I met him and then we hadn't managed to meet up when I met the current guy! Who I guess I took a greater interest in for whatever reason; I guess I just felt more intense chemistry with the current guy.

[Leigh 87]

The blunt and short replies are uncalled for, if you don't want anything to do with him anymore then why bother engaging in conversation with him? He apologised many times, stated he does want to see you but you no longer are giving him the time of day. I would understand if he bailed twice but things happen. It's almost like you expect to come before his mother after just one date. You are also "flaming mad" if you are going to quickly assume he's a good for nothing user.

 

MAN, if I cancelled on a guy because I genuinely forgot plans I had committed to with my own family and the guy was like "ok" and started acting blunt and snooty I would f*** him right off.

Ugh total turn off. The more you try to portray yourself as non-clingy the more clingy and unstable you seem.

 

Oh, I totally don't mind about him cancelling - I felt great about his phone call after the fact and he made it known that he was still very interested in me and also the fact he seemed genuinely remorseful:love: Water under the bridge.

 

I encourage guys and am more turned on by men who don't drop everything to see me - it was the WAY in which he cancelled that irked me

 

My gripe was the way in which he did it - he should have called and arranged an alternative date.

 

In any case, I overlooked it! I felt great about our phone call and his nice " I cannot wait to see you" text I awoke to:love:

 

I am still not sure if he is into me because I don't know him well enough!

[idoltree]

Should, should, should.

 

Yes, Leigh, if a person cancels a date, it is suspicious. The stable amongst us do not go haywire, make assumptions and want to definitively label the person's intentions. They'd sit back and wait to see how it played out.

 

However, this guy stepped up, apologized and has called you. Someone not interested would not do those things but you're already so sure he's deceiving you that you're being short and dramatic in communicating with him and potentially creating unnecessary strife with someone who could be a very good guy. And you see nothing wrong with this, as you are convinced that you are low-key and not dramatic like those other girls.

 

Now you want to go after the Italian guy, and create a mess involving another person, just because you don't want to sit in uncertainty for a few days and see how this plays out. You are creating unnecessary drama, potentially hurting people, and/or sabotaging yourself, yet your view of yourself is one of someone stable and in control.

 

You are convinced that your "should"s and arbitrary rules will prevent you from getting hurt, so you're clinging to them so much that you can't see the forest for the trees.

 

Knock it off with the other guy, accept that you don't know how it will go with this guy as you've been on exactly one date, and become okay with that. Also, lose the anxiety, hyper-focus and arbitrary rules, or you stand a large chance of overlooking some really bad or really good signs about this guy because you've artificially handicapped your neutral observation skills.

 

This is all feedback meant to help you, though I anticipate that you'll read into it as an attack.

[mysteryscape]

We deleted our dating accounts after our first date- it was mutual. Nothing full on, but we both sort of expressed that we were over casual FWB type arrangements, and that we were both excited about getting to know one another to see what is to come from it (before bothering with dating others).

 

A lot of people would say this is deranged, but I see nothing odd about it, a lot like the old days -- except for the necessity to have a discussion about deleting an online account! You really like each other, you decide to focus on each other from the start. The wonder is that nowadays it is considered so odd, almost pathological.

[mysteryscape]

 

When I say that I think all men are full of crap until they prove otherwise

 

I don't think I like this, even though I think I know where you are coming from. Imagine you are a man, put the worm "women" in your statement, and imagine how you would feel about a woman who says that.

 

You can be reserved in your emotions without being unnecessarily hostile (which will probably give off a hostile vibe that will ill serve you).

[mysteryscape]

You sound kind of obsessed and hysterical. I haven't read the whole thread, just down to where the guy canceled dinner after he forgot a supposed previous engagement with his mother.

 

One fine date, best kisser ever -- sounds like instant "chemistry" to me! (I won't go into the differences between lust, love at first sight, and instant infatuation here). So you both take down your profiles -- even that would be a bit much for me, but I get it, you want to focus on this one guy. (What a strange world where you have to say to yourself that you don't want to be FWB with someone else while you're getting to know this guy.)

 

But then -- you start obsessing over whether his not being a texter is a bad sign (from my POV: a good sign; I don't text, I email, LOL and I think phone is better). At this point, worrying about texting is ridiculous as long as some kind of communication is being maintained regularly, read that as "not constantly."

 

Re the dinner thing: take it from me, perfectly possible that he blew it, especially if he is a busy man -- I have done this more than once, in all innocence.

 

But -- you immediately start obsessing, start thinking about that cute Italian guy you met last week, you'll take up with him if this guy flakes -- this is your single focus, you're ready to move on after the guy has a memory lapse??!! And you're out here on the web having this meltdown (sort of ) in public!

 

It sounded in your first post like you were doing everything fine -- just seeing this guy, not hopping into bed right away, seeing where it goes. The only problem obsessing about his texting, of all things!

 

Why not calm down, see where it goes. TRULY don't get over-invested i.e. don't get hysterical, truly keep yourself somewhat detached.

 

If I were this guy and I knew your thought process, I would probably think you were kind of hysterical, and I might hide.

 

That's my opinion, fwiw.

[mysteryscape]

Should, should, should.

 

Now you want to go after the Italian guy, and create a mess involving another person, just because you don't want to sit in uncertainty for a few days and see how this plays out. You are creating unnecessary drama, potentially hurting people, and/or sabotaging yourself, yet your view of yourself is one of someone stable and in control.

 

You are convinced that your "should"s and arbitrary rules will prevent you from getting hurt, so you're clinging to them so much that you can't see the forest for the trees.

 

Knock it off with the other guy, accept that you don't know how it will go with this guy as you've been on exactly one date, and become okay with that. Also, lose the anxiety, hyper-focus and arbitrary rules, or you stand a large chance of overlooking some really bad or really good signs about this guy because you've artificially handicapped your neutral observation skills.

 

 

Perfect!!!

[Diezel]

idoltree and mysteryscape nailed it.

 

The only thing I can add is that the micromanaging and the "If, thens" within this thread are astounding. Why is this necessary?

 

You don't need 10,000 rules/scenarios to embark in dating. This is over-thinking at its finest. You can't set minute rules on dating, because it doesn't apply to everyone. Not everyone is going to text/call with the same frequency, regardless of attraction.

 

If I used a sample size of one and said "All women are obsessively dramatic until proven otherwise", after reading this thread and the lengths to which the analysis have reached, I'd probably be proven right even if the sample size to which I am holding that standard is wrong. So much flawed thinking... so much time for that flawed thinking.

[Leigh 87]

You guys are right.

 

I have to give people a chance. Even though it's a bit nerve wracking when you're in these early stages.

 

He texted today and he asked if he can visit. I said yes.

 

I will it lead the Italian guy on. I have to be patient with the current guy.

[Weezy1973]

I do, however, want to instant chemistry and instant attraction, the type that leads to the most passion filled sex WHEN it is combined with true love later down the track also.

 

I know my ideal is flawed but I feel a girl like me who isn't beautiful and yet is not ugly - has the luxury of holding out for a guy I am actually excited to go on a second date with.

 

 

The bolded is a big step! What do you feel are the flaws to your style of attraction /dating?

[Rejected Rosebud]

If either the original guy or the Italian guy read this thread they would run away, do you understand why?

[Conners]

If either the original guy or the Italian guy read this thread they would run away, do you understand why?

 

 

Leigh, I think you've mentioned before that your ex boyfriend was/is reading your posts on love shack. Aren't you worried that a) he is reading about the multiple new guys you are talking about and b) he could somehow use this information you have provided against you in the future?

 

It would be very hurtful to him.

[MissBee]

I'm actually genuinely confused about the issue.

 

This guy actually calls you and has an actual voice conversation with you for hours and you're worried he doesn't like you because he doesn't idly text you or text you constantly?

 

Sorry but this seems like a topsy turvy universe to me. I personally feel like texting is the laziest form of communication. Cheaters text a lot because it is easy to text while doing lots of other things and you don't need to give it your undivided attention. You can text on the toilet, right beside your wife or gf, while watching tv and the rest, whereas being on the phone requires a lot more time and attention. I know a man is interested when he actually calls me and I would love if we could talk for hours...how can you value texting more when it often takes less work and effort and is a lot more impersonal? You can text multiple people at the same time too.....

 

Look, if I were you I'd stop comparing your friend's relationship to your own. I genuinely don't get how texting constantly is deemed more serious than dedicating time for calls. I would prefer that than someone who never calls just texts. But the fact he actually calls seems like he probably genuinely isn't a texter and prefers the personal nature of calling. I'd appreciate that and think it something special in this age of constant texting to multiple people at a time and stop trying to compare things with your friend. There is no set blue print, allow things to develop and see. If you're still not feeling it end things but if you keep wanting things to be exactly as you imagine (like constant text because your friend and fiance constantly text) or exactly like it is for other people you might miss out on your own love story and its uniqueness.

[Leigh 87]

If either the original guy or the Italian guy read this thread they would run away, do you understand why?

 

No. I enjoy talking about my dating life.

 

It is what it is.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, I think you've mentioned before that your ex boyfriend was/is reading your posts on love shack. Aren't you worried that a) he is reading about the multiple new guys you are talking about and b) he could somehow use this information you have provided against you in the future?

 

It would be very hurtful to him.

 

Who cares!!

 

He's my ex!

 

He's a moron ! He thinks I cheated on him and has gone and told everyone who will listen that I did something awfully wrong by leaving him !

 

I don't owe it to him to remain dateless and abstinent!

 

I would never expect a guy who dumped me to refrain from dating others.

Edited December 29, 2014 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

The bolded is a big step! What do you feel are the flaws to your style of attraction /dating?

 

But it's still possible to find.

 

You're welcome to date people who you aren't smitten with for months and you're most welcome to bypass instant attraction.

 

I am going to end up with a guy who I'm excited about dating with fireworks from day one and who also happens to end up being my best friend as well as a lover who I was red hot with from the start.

 

It's rare but it isn't tthat out of reach to get passion and comfort.

[anne1707]

Leigh

 

How would you feel if this guy was posting threads like this on another forum where he was analysing your every word and action in obsessive detail? How would you feel if that made him think something that does not appear to be the case and as a result he starts to chase other women? Would you still think he is attractive and may be someone you would like to date?

[Leigh 87]

Leigh

 

How would you feel if this guy was posting threads like this on another forum where he was analysing your every word and action in obsessive detail? How would you feel if that made him think something that does not appear to be the case and as a result he starts to chase other women? Would you still think he is attractive and may be someone you would like to date?

 

I enjoy writing my dating life down. I just do.

 

I do it with every guy. I like writing about them all. I'm certainly not obsessed with each guy I date- I just enjoy writing about them all. I need people to talk sense into me when a guy just isn't that into me.

 

And if I found out that he was unsure of MY intentions and HE really wanted to be exclusive I'd come to him and tell him how I felt so he knew a day stoped second guessing.

 

I'd find it flattering and cute if a guy was wanting to focus on just me and he was just not sure whether or not I liked him back.

[Leigh 87]

And if a guy I was seeing enjoyed writing about his dating life then I wouldn't be phased.

 

I think it's admirable for a person to put themselves out there in order to try to improve the way in which they date.

 

People just assume that because I write about these guys that I feel very strongly about them when I just enjoy getting people's opinions.

 

I didn't think a guy was into me. So I thrashed it out and got some very good and honest opinions. It was cool how he turned into the exception to the rule and and rang to apologize and also to set up anothe date two days later.

 

I personally enjoy reading about other ppeople's dating lives.

 

 

 

 

And I met a guy months ago at a concert who I had the extreme and instant physical fireworks with and who has also turned out to have become a good friend. We cannot be together sadly because he has severe personal issues. But this guy is the one in a million where u have the instan passion that's also teamed with a genuinely wonderful friendship.

 

 

I doubt I'll gell as well wiith the current guy as well as I did with the man that I met at that concert.

 

Our date today went well enough but I'm not sure yet if he's a really nice person.