How Am I Handling Things?

[Leigh 87]

Are you SURE that, when a man meets a woman he is really into, that he just may not be a big texter?

 

The latest guy isn't a big texter but will call me at night and we talk for 1 - 3 hours.

 

It is just so different to when my good friend met her fiancé - he was smitten with her right away pretty much, so he texted her constantly and they are still crazy about each other years later - these two had that rare crazy chemistry and instant attraction - coupled with a true love connection and ultimate compatibility.

 

Now, I DO NOT believe in true love at first site - And I have learnt my lesson about becoming smitten too fast - these days, as far as I am concerned, all men are full of **** until they prove otherwise. There are plenty of great guys out there but yeah, they have to prove they are investing true emotions into me first. Before I am going to go all crazy over a guy again. However, lust at first site is very real and there are definitely instances where two people feel a pretty strong attraction/chemistry/pull. With this guy, I definitely felt some pretty intense chemistry from MY end - and I think it was mutual.

 

We deleted our dating accounts after our first date- it was mutual. Nothing full on, but we both sort of expressed that we were over casual FWB type arrangements, and that we were both excited about getting to know one another to see what is to come from it (before bothering with dating others).

 

We have talked for hours on the phone each night since our first date he just doesn't text much during the day. We talk at night. He has alluded to a few things we could possibly do together in the future if things were to work out between us.

 

My thing in 2015 at age 28 is: just because YOU think you have great chemistry and something special - it doesn't mean that the MEN also feels the way you do! I WILL NOT project my own feelings onto men anymore. Only time will tell if a man IS genuinely into me and falling in love with me.

 

So far, the men who have been really interested in me tend to text me more often than this new guy.

 

Whatever really lol. I am just keen to know your experiences in regards to texting?

 

So far: yesterday, he was the one who texted me first at about 4pm - he asked about my shopping trip (which I told him about the previous night).

He likes blue so I texted him a picture of my new blue dress I bought. He said " very nice". I told him to give me a call later. Which he did.

 

Today, I was the one who texted first. Just a simple " send me a picture or two of what you're up to today, and I will see you at 5". He just said " ok" and a few hours later, texted me a picture of himself. I responded with " you are super cute :)" and left it at that.

 

I meet him in about 3 hours or so.

 

Am I handling myself well? Let him initiate one day and I will the next? I want to know that he is thinking about me enough to text me at all, but it is a two way street and I also want to do my bit to show him that I am interested (and wont just not text him for an entire day).

 

Sex is out - I have my parents with me 3 days per week and he lives at his mums ( he has his own house with a mortgage that he is renting out, and he has a well paid job but he is just saving a lot atm hence the living with his mum). He acts like he is totally cool with no sex anytime soon which is nice. He seems to prefer just chilling/talking/ getting to know me. We did make out a lot when together but we did more talking than kissing. But still a lot of kissing as we... kiss well together lol.

 

It always seems that the men I am the most excited about - text me the least lol.

 

Dating is new to me so I am enjoying the ride at this stage - I no longer let myself get carried away just because I feel great chemistry and attraction towards a guy. I understand guys can disappear as they have done so with me - I am ready for anything pretty much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Am I handling things ok? So no sex anytime soon, making sure he genuinely enjoys being around me, getting into a relationship with any given man - before sex occurs - and not allowing myself to invest until a guy actually proves himself?

[Danda]

It always seems that the men I am the most excited about - text me the least lol.

 

Curious - is there a possible correlation here in that it's not that the men you get most excited about text you the least, but that the men you get most excited about are the ones who actually talk to you over the phone / in person more? Because that would make sense to me.

[Million.to.1]

Sounds good. Stay out of the bedroom and continue to get to know him. I'll think you'll find dating easier if you don't complicate things with sex early on.

 

I wouldn't worry about his frequency with txting. Some people just aren't big on it.

[guest569]

I've dated a couple of guys before who constantly text me. It wasn't genuine and they vanished when they found someone else to text. I also try not to get too excited early on and take things slowly.

 

On the other hand my ex usually contacted me once a week throughout the relationship and it wasn't enough for me. Even if I tried to increase the frequency with texts here and there, he just wasn't interested in anything other than face to face. I always felt like I should hang back a bit and leave him alone. It never changed as we got closer, but I thought it would have. It's something I will be more aware of in the future. And I am far from needy, I'm a bit of a loner but still need more contact than that.

[losangelena]

I'd say about the texting thing—be GLAD he's not a big texter. If he's genuine, he will stay. When I was first dating my guy, I was always so anxious because he was not a big texter. I got so scared that he wasn't that interested. However, now that we're about four months in, I'm so glad he doesn't text a lot. Because we see each other more, it's essential to our relationship to spend some time disconnected. A couple throughout the day and then more in the evening to make plans and that's it.

 

Anyway, it sounds like you're doing well, not just with this guy but your attitude about men/dating in general. I feel like that comes with experience and maturity, and it sounds like you're racking up both. Glad your guy is calling—that's great!

[Leigh 87]

Yeah thanks guys, sadly, even the guys who come on strong and act like they are REALLY attracted to you - sometimes disappear; even after incessant texting and acting as though they are really into you.

 

When I say that I think all men are full of crap until they prove otherwise - what I mean to say is: I am a positive person in general and I am sure there are plenty of decent men out there - in fact there are ( plenty of decent men have liked me, I just haven't felt enough chemistry to date them).

 

However, when I meet someone and I am really feeling the instant chemistry and excitement factor- you know, you feel excited when they text and really excited about the next date - I ALWAYS think " well, they could disappear tomorrow, yes I will care a little since I was really enjoying the notion of getting to know him, however; I WILL NOT invest any true emotions"

[fred123]

leigh women are no different. they can be selfish sometimew and be really into you then slowly disappewr without even being mature to tell you or talk to you.

 

iv found women just dont communicate. really immature me thinks

[Leigh 87]

Case in point.

 

Last night he called me and we made plans to have a date tonight.

 

It was sort of late we talked from 9 - 12 am.

 

Today he texted me a picture of himself and then just 2 hours before our scheduled date, he did something that is most likely dishonest.

 

He blew off our date by texting:

 

Him: " hey"

Him: " you are going to hate me"

Me: " why"

Him: I don't know why I forgot but I am supposed to take my mum out to her favourite place for dinner in _____ his town"

Him: " I was heaps tired must have been why I forgot"

Me: "Ok"

Him: " yeah I am soo soo sorry"

Me: "All good. relax:

Me: " I am still keen to catch up another time"

 

So yeah I do realise that in life, yes, the men we instantly feel the butterflies and chemistry for usually don't want us the way that we want them. Such is life. I get it. I get in trouble all the time for not agreeing to date the men I low attraction and chemistry with (yet who are the ones who text me all the time and express genuine interest).

 

And yeah, he is probably blowing me off because he doesn't want to see me badly enough to bother or he got a better offer/invitation for a more exciting activity with another girl or a mate of his.

 

In any case, I really enjoy chatting to him and I enjoyed our first date - kissing is a huge deal for me and he is so far the best kisser I have had and so... I am still keen to give him the benefit of the doubt and if he wants to talk to me/see me again, I will accept a date.

 

If he cancels again in the future ( IF he wants/asks to see me again), then yeah, I would lose his number.

 

It is a bit of a roller coaster; on one hand, you are elated and excited to receive their texts and you are super keen for the next date. All the while you are looking forward to hearing from them - there is the very real possibility that they will lose interest, or disappear due to lying to you all along (not getting sex, feigning interest for a few days only to disappear when they are sure they wont get sex).

 

I look forward to talking to him while at the same time, knowing full well I may never hear from him again. Men disappear and lose interest all the time.

 

Call me heartless but this is why I have stopped caring about guys whom I Just first meet - the reason I have chosen to not date other men right now is because I prefer to only focus my attention on one man - INCASE we do last, I want to be able to look back and tell him " you know, I stopped seeing other people; for real I did". Chances are, if it is genuine and it lasts, then some men will be perturbed if they know you were still seeing others.

 

 

 

 

But yeah guys I know. An obvious blow off! Dinner with his mum haha come off it. All good though! I only just met him, although it is a shame the men I feel excited about and attraction towards never end up liking me enough to date me.

[Rejected Rosebud]

You shouldn't even get so wrapped up in any guy you just had one date with that you'd start a whole thread about it! Take it one day / moment at a time!

[CarrieT]

It is just so different to when my good friend met her fiancé - he was smitten with her right away pretty much, so he texted her constantly and they are still crazy about each other years later - these two had that rare crazy chemistry and instant attraction - coupled with a true love connection and ultimate compatibility.

I am curious why you CONSTANTLY compare every relationship attempt with this particular couple.

 

You seem to have idealized their relationship to a degree that you instantly start these analyses of how whomever you meet and any connection that may exist doesn't seem to measure up to this friend of yours...

[Leigh 87]

I am curious why you CONSTANTLY compare every relationship attempt with this particular couple.

 

You seem to have idealized their relationship to a degree that you instantly start these analyses of how whomever you meet and any connection that may exist doesn't seem to measure up to this friend of yours...

 

 

 

What I mean by this comparison is: It would be nice if me and a future partner had instant chemistry and excitement. Not a guy who was lukewarm about you initially and had to "grow" to become attracted to you over time.

 

My friend and her partner are obviously more mushy and romantic in that sense - where as most people, even those of us who feel instant chemistry and butterflies - tend to scale things back a bit, since we don't really know the person and logically we want to hold off until we know them just a little bit.

 

I don't look to find precisely what my friend found with her boyfriend. I would prefer to take things slower.

 

I do, however, want to instant chemistry and instant attraction, the type that leads to the most passion filled sex WHEN it is combined with true love later down the track also.

 

I know my ideal is flawed but I feel a girl like me who isn't beautiful and yet is not ugly - has the luxury of holding out for a guy I am actually excited to go on a second date with.

[fred123]

I am curious why you CONSTANTLY compare every relationship attempt with this particular couple.

 

You seem to have idealized their relationship to a degree that you instantly start these analyses of how whomever you meet and any connection that may exist doesn't seem to measure up to this friend of yours...

 

maybe she does it so she knows if guys are wasting her time

[Leigh 87]

You shouldn't even get so wrapped up in any guy you just had one date with that you'd start a whole thread about it! Take it one day / moment at a time!

 

 

 

I enjoy talking about my dating life. Doesn't mean I am wrapped up in any given guy. Today I am writing about this one guy. Next week I am sure I will be writing about another one. It is not about this guy personally. I enjoy writing about how well I can handle myself in dating, since it is largely attributed to the guidance of this website.

[Leigh 87]

Anyway guys, it is all good, I do realise he has likely fed me crap abot having to take his mother out for dinner to her fave place.

 

There was a cute Italian guy I met while working the other week and he seems really interested in me, so if this guy doesn't call me later or talk to me again tomorrow to arrange another date, I will just chat to the next guy.

 

I like to hold off from FWB or dating others when I am really interested in one guy - but yeah this guy has likely blown me off so I will give it a few days and then get back onto the other options I have atm.

 

We did only arrange our date late last night whilst on the phone so perhaps he was genuinely just too tired to remember about his plans for tonight.

 

But yes I do realise it is a slim chance that a guy is genuine when he says that he has to cancel a date due to "taking his mum out for dinner":lmao:

[Leigh 87]

maybe she does it so she knows if guys are wasting her time

 

 

I will know he is wasting my time if he doesn't call or text me later or at least tomorrow at he latest - if he doesn't get in contact with me in the next day or two, in order to set up another date - then I will know he is wasting my time and is looking for sex that he tried to disguise as " wanting to get to know me, lets take down our dating profiles"

 

 

I have to say, it is a bit twisted and sick if he was lying about " I am taking my profile down right now" JUST purely because he wanted sex.

[Leigh 87]

haha.

 

My best friend said: he might have cancelled to see if you were a full of drama type of girl.

 

Of course I know very well that yeah, when you first meet someone, if there is butterflies and excitement from the guys end, he won't stuff you about; he will want to see you pretty badly and he wont stuff up plans.

 

A male friend of mine does this, however; he cancells a date last minute when he first meets a girl, in order to see if she is psycho or melodramatic. He prefers girls who give a guy a chance and don't go nutty on him.

 

He only does this once though ^^^^ if the girls passes the test and remains cool, he doesn't do it again.

 

Personally, I think guys tend to only cancel last minute when they first meet a woman - because they get a better offer.

 

But you know, I still give guys two chances.

[Eternal Sunshine]

For some reason guys that cancel on me last minute often use the mum excuse

[Leigh 87]

For some reason guys that cancel on me last minute often use the mum excuse

 

 

I know right:lmao:

 

I mean.. Why go on a 6 hour date with me, act like you are super attracted to me, and take your online profile down for me if you just want sex, or if you aren't that into me?!

 

Men. The lengths they go to just for sex is actually quiet sad.

 

It's like... go to a nightclub or something lol. Leave nice girls like us alone.

 

In actual fact - I don't think these guys mean any malice, Eternam Sunshine.

 

They probably THINK they are into us and quiet attracted initially, only to then just lose that feeling soon after.

 

It happens.

 

I will talk to him if he wants to set up another date but yeah I do realise he just isn't that into me. Which most men aren't after just one date, most men settle for women they aren't that into initially.

 

I guess women like us prefer to date men who ARE into us from date one, and who don't need to "warm up to us" in order to be happy and excited about going on a second date with us!

[Leigh 87]

so yeah, more than likely, I either won't hear from this guy again, or he will text me tomorrow asking how I am doing and then either call me to chat tomorrow night, and set up another date.

 

It is always a 50/50 when you first meet a man, at least with me, since I have been single....with me, they have either disappeared or lost interest after initially being super into me. It was actually my fault once.

 

Only one guy ever followed through after the initial chemistry we first shared - but then again, he had a memory problem and hardly any options with women due to his memory problem I guess.

 

haha - so I guess if I want to begin a relationship with the instant lust and attraction and chemistry, I will have to settle for men who have something wrong with them or no better options:lmao:

 

At least I can laugh at my dating life and lack of luck. And genuinely find it funny:lmao:

 

One day I just " know" that I will be laughing when I meet the right man - laughing at he fact I didn't actually have to second guess whether or not he liked me for a change:lmao:

 

Although I have a feeling it wont be any time soon. Apparently it is all too rare to find the instant wow factor and to actually be excited about a second date - with a guy who is decent.

[anne1707]

I know my ideal is flawed but I feel a girl like me who isn't beautiful and yet is not ugly - has the luxury of holding out for a guy I am actually excited to go on a second date with.

 

Leigh

 

It is EVERBODY'S right to hold out for someone they feel excited about regardless of how attractive they look. You need to stop the comparisons with your friend. You need to stop the wider comparisons with others based on looks or your body. The best thing you could do is relax. Stop making dating so important that you have to analyse every little action as that is bound to kill the fun of it. Do that and you could scare a great guy off no matter how "smitten" he is.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh

 

It is EVERBODY'S right to hold out for someone they feel excited about regardless of how attractive they look. You need to stop the comparisons with your friend. You need to stop the wider comparisons with others based on looks or your body. The best thing you could do is relax. Stop making dating so important that you have to analyse every little action as that is bound to kill the fun of it. Do that and you could scare a great guy off no matter how "smitten" he is.

 

 

Well I am taking it easy with this new interest. Since I don't know him and all I have to go by is mutual instant attraction and the fact we enjoy talking on the phone and had a fun date.

 

When he cancelled the date I simply said ' ok' and when he tried to say ": soo soo sorry" I just said " all good I am still keen to see you some other time"

 

And I left it at that.

 

He then texted me a few mins ago - he sent a few texts in a row, just telling me how his night had been and what he was doing.

 

He also apologised again and said that he wants to see me again too.

 

I have definitely changed for the better to some extent - when a guy cancels, even though I know that he is probably just full of crap, I am at least giving him a chance before just plain old ignoring him and ruling a guy out due to one cancellation of one date.

 

After his latest series of texts, I replied with a simple " cool. Just give me a call if you feel like chatting" to which is does (and has each night so far).

 

I find calling a much better medium than texting so I tend not to text him unless he texts me, and I always conclude out texts with a " give me a call if you feel like talking". Then he calls albeit not always right away but it is so much better then endless texts.

 

 

 

Anyway I hope I am handling myself well.

[anne1707]

No Leigh, you are not taking it easy! You started a thread about him for a start. That hardly says you are relaxed about any of this.

[guest569]

I guess you cant help how you feel, and if you ask me you are falling for him pretty fast. but I think your approach with him should come across as relaxed (unless he is reading these forums lol)

[GemmaUK]

It sounds from your posts like you are totally consumed by this guy.

 

 

So far you're not happy that he doesn't text enough, then in your last post you go on to say you find calls better than texting?

 

 

You also already think he is lying.

 

 

If you're not happy then move on.

Clearly there's things you are not happy about, relationships and dating is not just up to the guy.

 

 

Bear in mind though that daily calls of 1-3 hours is a LOT of contact for anyone to keep up and you seem to be wanting more than that. For most people that kind of intensity can kill attraction.

[candie13]

I think you may find talking about this reassuring. I like your posts, you make me smile .

 

ok, I've just skimmed through your posts, here are a few thoughts:

 

- no matter how amazing a man seems, I will never agree to take my online profile down after one two or three dates. sorry. if a guy agrees to that, that means he's lying. let's be real here, in all honesty, he is not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. this is just a line... I hate liars. The moment I spot them, I cross them out, no matter how cute they are. I play clean, easier that way.

 

- always always multiple date. Until you find that rare gem that asks you to be exclusive. this way, you are going to be a lot less disappointed when and if they fade out.

 

- keep sex out of the equation.

 

- have loads of fun and say to yourself "most probably, this is NOT the man that I will end up marrying". it reminds me to have fun and takes off the pressure from my shoulders.

 

that's about it. oh and do ask questions, do be yourself and do your best to find out how the other person is.

 

cheers