elizabeth21 Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 I'm nearly 20 and I'm good friends with my friend's uncle who is twice my age. He's a child at heart and says it's because life is too short to take it seriously. He doesn't care what people think and he's really out going. I stopped talking to him last year around this time because I thought it was a bad idea n what not. Well early last month his family invited me to go bowling and he was there. We've been talking ever since and I could tell he liked me. When we'd ride in the car we'd touch hands and like a week later we started holding hands. I always thought he was kinda cute but thought nothing of it. He tells me he enjoys talking to me and that I never fail to make him laugh/smile. Here we are now and he really has it for me. He needs to call me every day to hear my voice. My family is so disappointed in me that I'm talking to him and even shunned me for a little bit. I called him saying we should stop talking and I nearly cried cause it felt like a break up. I told him he's too old and can't give me what I need. I have my whole life ahead of me. I need kids, a bf that I can bring around, and I don't want to die a widow. So we agreed to keep our distance. That didn't last long. We've cuddled and the farthest he's gone was to kiss my cheek and neck. I don't like kissing outside of relationships so we haven't done lips. Which seems kinda stupid I guess when we're all up in each others necks...lol. I'm a virgin until marriage too. So I don't know what to do. I know this has to stop but we kinda keep prolonging it. I feel bad cause it seems like he's more emotionally invested in this than me. I don't want to hurt him, but I need to do what's best. I need a normal relationship and this isn't it. I don't even know what we have. I'm not out looking for a bf and if he's around I for sure won't be open to the option. It's like we have a relationship, without the label and commitment.. I'm so confused and frustrated at all this. He's not in it for sex. He said even if I don't want to keep doing what we have, he said he still wants to be friends cause he loves talking to me. He's been respectful of me so far. It's just frustrating cause he can't give me what I need.
Danda Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 Yep, sounds like a sucky situation. If you know for sure that he can't give you what you need, then I'd advise going no contact in a respectful way (i.e. letting him know that you need to go no contact and then doing it, rather than just ignoring him out of the blue). Because if you know for sure that he can't give you what you need, then at best the two of you will wind up as **** buddies for a while and develop some serious feels, or you'll keep developing some serious feels without ever even getting laid. Either way, the outcome is going to be an emotional train wreck. But that said, I also think it's worth contemplating whether or not you really need the things you think you need. If you do, then stick to your guns, girl, and go no contact. But if you're using "needs" to come up with reasons to validate how judgemental your family seems to be, then you don't want to let other people shame you away from what you want when it's none of their damned business. So that's what you've gotta figure out and then act accordingly, in my opinion. 4
spiderowl Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 The guy knows exactly what he's doing and saying. He's chasing a woman half his age who is only just beyond being a teenager. He knows what to say to you to make you trust him and think he's not after sex. He is after sex and he knows if he keeps you on his side that eventually that might happen, eventually you will trust him enough to think 'Why not? He loves me doesn't he?' He probably does enjoy talking to you and I'm sure you enjoy having the attention and affection too. We all need attention and affection. You are torn because you need that but haven't found it in someone nearer your age yet. Please don't let that need for affection and attention lure you into wasting your time with someone that many would consider to be trying to take advantage of you. While what this guy is doing is legal, it is immoral and distasteful. He is trying to manipulate your feelings so that you will take risks with him. You already know he's wrong for you. He will stay wrong for you, even if you do have sex with him. He does not have your best interests at heart. If he did, he would be encouraging you to meet young men your own age or maybe slightly older than you, not trying to get you to spend time getting cosy with him. The reason he hasn't grown up is because he wishes to take advantage of younger girls. He has to seem less grown up or they would realise he is much older than them. Trust your initial instinct, that this guy cannot offer you the things you need. Keep out of his clutches! 5
AVarma Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 How old is he exactly? You said he's twice your age which I'm assuming means he's 40. A 40 year old man with a 20 year old girl doesn't seem all that bad, especially since it seems like you two get along. What exactly is the problem here? 1
SomeDude16 Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 The guy knows exactly what he's doing and saying. He's chasing a woman half his age who is only just beyond being a teenager. He knows what to say to you to make you trust him and think he's not after sex. He is after sex and he knows if he keeps you on his side that eventually that might happen, eventually you will trust him enough to think 'Why not? He loves me doesn't he?' He probably does enjoy talking to you and I'm sure you enjoy having the attention and affection too. We all need attention and affection. You are torn because you need that but haven't found it in someone nearer your age yet. Please don't let that need for affection and attention lure you into wasting your time with someone that many would consider to be trying to take advantage of you. While what this guy is doing is legal, it is immoral and distasteful. He is trying to manipulate your feelings so that you will take risks with him. You already know he's wrong for you. He will stay wrong for you, even if you do have sex with him. He does not have your best interests at heart. If he did, he would be encouraging you to meet young men your own age or maybe slightly older than you, not trying to get you to spend time getting cosy with him. The reason he hasn't grown up is because he wishes to take advantage of younger girls. He has to seem less grown up or they would realise he is much older than them. Trust your initial instinct, that this guy cannot offer you the things you need. Keep out of his clutches! This.... And "40yr old child at heart"?? Yep definitely creepy and red flag... 4
still_an_Angel Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 You need to nip this in the bud if you're not comfortable to where this is leading. He knows what he's doing and its easy to tell you he just wants to be friends, really? If all he wants is to talk, then why has it gone to kissing stage? He hopes you would continue to talk and maybe it will eventually lead to other stuff. I could be wrong here but your family seems to be of the same mindset as me. 2
AVarma Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 This.... And "40yr old child at heart"?? Yep definitely creepy and red flag... Alright I missed the "child at heart" quote. Definitely weird. But still I stand by my view, if they both get along I don't see why a 40yr old shouldn't date a 20 yr old.
Danda Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 Alright I missed the "child at heart" quote. Definitely weird. But still I stand by my view, if they both get along I don't see why a 40yr old shouldn't date a 20 yr old. I arced my brow that she felt the need the mention her relatives' opinions, which really shouldn't matter when it comes to her personal romance/sex life, since she's an adult in her 20s. So I am wondering how much she genuinely likes this guy and how much she feels shamed/pressured by her family to turn him down. If she would be all-systems-go if it wasn't for her family "shunning" her, then I think it'd be a shame if they convinced her of what she "needs" just because they are nosy control freaks. But if her reasoning for why it won't work really is coming from herself, then I think she should go no contact before it gets any messier / more complicated. Normally based on the negative angle much of her post takes, I'd be leaning with the "creeper vibe" crowd more strongly because I'd assume that negative painting of the situation was coming entirely from her. But being "shunned" by your family is pretty intense, reminds me of the crazy drama that comes out of my hardcore-Italian step-relatives sometimes.
Author elizabeth21 Posted December 27, 2014 Author Posted December 27, 2014 I can see how it'd seem weird to everyone else, but you have to know him. I know that's a stupid answer but it's true. I just want to be taken on normal dates, a bf that can be around my family, kids, and not judgmental reactions. And as much as I enjoy him, I can't ever have that. When we're in public I'm sure everyone thinks I'm his daughter. I cut it off cold turkey last year with him. We weren't as close so it didn't seem harsh on my part. But the night my family told me I was a fool, he told me it hurt him so bad when we stopped talking. This time it's different and idk why. I didn't feel shamed or guilty at all until everyone told me how weird it was. My mom ignored me and they all said they didn't even know who I was. And he's been super respectful to me. He said if I want to stop talking we can even if it sucks. He hasn't pressured me at all into anything and what ever affection we do is because I allow it. He said he doesn't want to cause stress in my/family's life. It's all up to me.
SomeDude16 Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 My family is so disappointed in me that I'm talking to him and even shunned me for a little bit. I called him saying we should stop talking and I nearly cried cause it felt like a break up. I told him he's too old and can't give me what I need. I have my whole life ahead of me. I need kids, a bf that I can bring around, and I don't want to die a widow. So we agreed to keep our distance. That didn't last long. We've cuddled and the farthest he's gone was to kiss my cheek and neck. I don't like kissing outside of relationships so we haven't done lips. Which seems kinda stupid I guess when we're all up in each others necks...lol. I'm a virgin until marriage too. So I don't know what to do. I know this has to stop but we kinda keep prolonging it. I feel bad cause it seems like he's more emotionally invested in this than me. I don't want to hurt him, but I need to do what's best. I need a normal relationship and this isn't it. I don't even know what we have. I'm not out looking for a bf and if he's around I for sure won't be open to the option. It's like we have a relationship, without the label and commitment.. I'm so confused and frustrated at all this. He's not in it for sex. It's just frustrating cause he can't give me what I need. You answered your own question in the very first post. Read this over and over in your head. You were the one that wrote this, with a clear and uncorrupted mind. I think the problem here is that you don't know what must be done, the problem is that you are having trouble accepting it. You must realize that this will come to an end at some point because it is just not bound to work out. The longer you keep this going the more difficult it is going to be to leave it behind. Every time you talk to him you are making it harder on yourself. Cut it off once and for all. No contact, no friendship, nothing after. Eventually you will move on. You will benefit from it in the long run. You need rain before you can get rainbows.
PogoStick Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 I didn't feel shamed or guilty at all until everyone told me how weird it was. My mom ignored me and they all said they didn't even know who I was. And he's been super respectful to me. He said if I want to stop talking we can even if it sucks. He hasn't pressured me at all into anything and what ever affection we do is because I allow it. He said he doesn't want to cause stress in my/family's life. It's all up to me. This is why it sucks dating a young girl. You're actually dating her entire social world. She doesn't stick up for herself or what she believes in. Her friends' opinions are more important than her own. It's infuriating to date a girl like this. 1
Author elizabeth21 Posted December 27, 2014 Author Posted December 27, 2014 I tried to stick up for what I believed in and it caused chaos! Idk if this thing we have is really worth ruining my relationship with my family. Even if we call quits on what we have, idk if I can still text/call him. I feel like I would be unavailable emtionally to other guys. But he says he loves talking to me and that'd be too hard. He said even when I have a bf he wants to hear from me every once in awhile cause he thinks I'm so funny. The other night only got heated cause I thought that'd be the last time we see each other. Kinda like a last hoorah. Stupid, I know. But I liked every minute of it. I just hate lieing to people...
nofeelings22 Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 Just explore it privately at first to see if it's something that is so good it's worth causing some disruption with family and friends over. There are some of us guys who do remain youthful at heart. I'm told this all the time. We never lose that spark inside that kids have. The curiosity, the want to learn, getting excited over things. Being like a child inside was her way of saying this, I believe. It doesn't mean creepy. Creepy is unwelcome attention from weirdos. So just keep it quiet at first and see. Maybe it flourishes, maybe it fizzles. No need to proclaim it to anyone yet. Later, if you decide it's worth it, you bring him to events and make your family and friends accept you both, or choose to be jerks to you. If someone chooses to be a jerk to you over a person you love, they do not belong in your life anyway. That's how I've always seen it.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 How old are you both? It sounds like you're already uncomfortable with the situation. That should be all you need to know to cut it off.
AVarma Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 How old are you both? It sounds like you're already uncomfortable with the situation. That should be all you need to know to cut it off. He's 40 and she's 20. Most of her discomfort seems to come from the fear of social disapproval. They seem compatible she just doesn't want people gossiping about her, at least that's what I'm getting from this. It seems a bit of a cowardly reason to not date him.
Author elizabeth21 Posted December 27, 2014 Author Posted December 27, 2014 It's not that I don't want people gossiping, it's just I want a normal life and I don't think I can get that with him. I want kids and he's old enough to be my dad! He has adult friends but he hangs out with his nephews and their buddies a lot (my age and older). How would I even begin to end this though? He's going on vacation soon and I told him he can call me when he gets there but then we'll take a break from talking until New Years Day. I'm also serious about my faith and he's a Christian too but I feel like he'd be pulling me down rather then bring me up. I feel like I would be doing the pulling. This may sound dumb to you guys, but I need a godly man. He said I've turned his heart since talking to him. He respects my no kissing wish still. He said seeing me for just a minute makes his day as well as hearing my voice..it just makes it harder. Before it was just flirty friends but then things got more complicated when we started getting close.
SomeDude16 Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 It's not that I don't want people gossiping, it's just I want a normal life and I don't think I can get that with him. I want kids and he's old enough to be my dad! He has adult friends but he hangs out with his nephews and their buddies a lot (my age and older). How would I even begin to end this though? He's going on vacation soon and I told him he can call me when he gets there but then we'll take a break from talking until New Years Day. I'm also serious about my faith and he's a Christian too but I feel like he'd be pulling me down rather then bring me up. I feel like I would be doing the pulling. This may sound dumb to you guys, but I need a godly man. He said I've turned his heart since talking to him. He respects my no kissing wish still. He said seeing me for just a minute makes his day as well as hearing my voice..it just makes it harder. Before it was just flirty friends but then things got more complicated when we started getting close. Block his phone number and don't contact him. Don't look back and move on. 2
AVarma Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) It's not that I don't want people gossiping, it's just I want a normal life and I don't think I can get that with him. I want kids and he's old enough to be my dad! If it's bothering you this much just end like you would end any other relationship. Call him and say "Sorry I can't do this anymore" and boom you're done. Edited December 27, 2014 by AVarma 1
elaine567 Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) It's not that I don't want people gossiping, it's just I want a normal life and I don't think I can get that with him. I want kids and he's old enough to be my dad! . He has adult friends but he hangs out with his nephews and their buddies a lot (my age and older). ...it seems like he's more emotionally invested in this than me. I don't want to hurt him, but I need to do what's best. I need a normal relationship and this isn't it. I don't even know what we have. I'm not out looking for a bf and if he's around I for sure won't be open to the option. It's like we have a relationship, without the label and commitment.. I think your head knows what to do here but as you say, you don't want to hurt him. BUT the longer you keep this up, the more hurt he is going to get. It is immensely flattering to have someone dote on you, but you have to be realistic. As you say "I want a normal life and I don't think I can get that with him. I want kids and he's old enough to be my dad!" and that is the nub of the problem So although he may be "fun", you recognise he is not really bf material for you. The longer you hang about with him, the longer this wastes your time. I also tend to agree with spiderowl and others here. This is the uncle of your friend, twice your age, a person who perhaps should have taken himself out of the equation. Of course it is not incest, but there is a hint of taking advantage here and it is all a bit iffy IMO. Hitting on the friends of a neice doesn't really sound right. He is supposed to be the older and wiser adult here. I worry too that he is just grooming you for sex eventually. He knows what to say and do to keep you, and eventually he will be able to have his "perfect little virgin" as you will not be able to say no, as "he loves you so much". How interested in you he wll be after that, who can say? Edited December 27, 2014 by elaine567
Author elizabeth21 Posted December 27, 2014 Author Posted December 27, 2014 I know he's not grooming me for sex. I still like talking to him so idk how to go about this if I decide to call it quits. I'd want to stop seeing him when the New Year starts then. He'll still be on vacation so it'll be easier to start off. He has my Christmas gift to give me before he leaves so idk if I should make that our last goodbye? Should I only do texts or only calls after I stop? I think texts would be easier cause if I hear his voice I'll feel bad.
elaine567 Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 I know he's not grooming me for sex. You don't know that, he can tell you anything he wants, but only he knows what he really thinks. Sex is very high priority for many, many men.
MGX Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 I told him he's too old and can't give me what I need. I have my whole life ahead of me. I need kids, a bf that I can bring around, and I don't want to die a widow. ROFLMAO! He's 40, not 70! Hell, he might outlive YOU! I think that if the age gap makes you THAT uncomfortable, then you should call it a quits.
PogoStick Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 You have to treat him fairly as well. In this case, that means not listening to him. You've made it clear to us that you are unwilling to have a relationship with him. If you continue contact of any kind it will just be leading him on. Say your goodbyes, and tell him unfortunately you will not have any contact with him going forward. 1
jeffmeyers Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 A young woman so worried about what others will think of her. You are right about breaking it off with him: He deserves someone better. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 The Poster said she's nearly 20, so she is only 19! I don't agree with any of these posters telling you to date this guy. From the sound of everything, you sound like a virgin with zero experience in dating. Ending up with this guy will only mean a fling, if that. This guy is creepy. He is in his 40s, if he was looking for a serious relationship he would be dating someone in his appropriate age range. I have seen men who are almost pedophile-ish in nature who prey on young inexperienced girls. Even though you are already past 18, you are still mentally young, and you are still inexperienced with how the world operates. Do not, I repeat, do not do anything with this guy. I do not want to act like your parents, but live your life and hang out with your peers. I promise you, you won't regret just being around people your age. 3
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