MM looking for support

[LostnAfraid]

Hi Lost,

I have to agree with Cali that even if this addiction to the OW doesn't lead you back to pills, it is still bringing out all of your addictive behaviors. You have just switched your addiction. I can tell that you don't like the way your acting, but you are caught up in the rush. Doesn't that seem familiar? My H was addicted to pills for over ten years, sober now for almost 3. I get your addiction and why you don't want to go back to that. What I think you are failing to see is your A is not necessarily a ticket back to using, but it is a ticket back to the hole you were in while you were using. The internal fighting, giving up your morals, hurting those you love, not being able to focus on much other than the next fix, knowing you could lose everything. Isn't THAT what you don't want to return to more than the drugs? This A is leading you right back down that path.

 

About the gaslighting - man do I know gaslighting unfortunately. I was gaslighted about my H's drug use for years, then was with his A too. I have been thru a lot in this marriage, but I really have to say it was the gaslighting that hurt me most. More than the tens of thousand dollars he has spent on his addictions, more than having an A. It is really one of the worst kinds of emotional abuse you can do to someone. I am a smart, witty, friendly woman who has been questioning my sanity for years now for no reason really. Everything I knew my H to be lying about was true, I wasnt crazy at all. I don't worry about my H using or cheating anymore, but I still worry I am crazy when my gut starts telling me something isn't right. With anyone, not just my H.

 

Now I'm not saying you have caused your wife's weight gain or her being less outgoing now than she once was. She is choosing unhealthy coping mechanisms and she can choose better. But they ARE coping mechanisms. (I'm making an assumption that you were also gaslighting her during your addiction since I haven't met an addict who doesn't do that yet, but I apologize if I'm wrong). You don't find yourself funny or engaging when you think you're crazy. It's exhausting to put on the 'show' for others and it's not fun being around other people anymore. It just crushes your soul and the person you once were. Every day that you lie to her you kill her a little more inside. I don't think you want to do that to her and I understand you think the truth will kill her more. From someone who has been where your wife was tho, the truth hurt like hell, but it was also the start of me getting the person I really am back. Living in hell day to day finally stopped when the truth was out there.

 

I apologize if this has come off harsh, but I think you need to take a hard look at the damage you are causing, not just a 'I know I'm doing a horrible thing' brush off.

 

Not harsh at all. I didn't look at it like that but you are right. I'm def caught up in addictive behavior. I've even told my AP this all felt much like an addiction. I do think I love my AP but I don't really know. It feels real.

 

Part of me thinks I should separate from my wife just to see who i miss more. My wife was abused by an ex boyfriend. She suffers from a lot of issues from that and has always transferred what he did onto me. Up until this affair, I have been very good to her. I have supported her through all her struggles. I've been a great father. I don't have a lot of confidence but that much I am very confident about. My wife's issues are with her self. They have been for years. For 6 months yes I have made a major contribution to her issues. I am trying to correct that now. For the last month I have been much more attentive to my wife. Trying to restore normalcy. Things are normal with the exception of I can't get my AP out of my mind and the fact that I'm not really sure I want to stay with my wife. I just feel like I should.

 

As you can see I'm thoroughly confused. I can't see through my block of is everything I'm feeling based in addictive feelings or is it real... My AP made me f'ing crazy jealous and suspicious over everything. That in and of itself although destructive is in some ways like a drug.... I can't make heads or tails of anything. Other than an email exchange this morning this is first full day no contact. I'm scared about tomorrow. Each day is gonna get harder I suspect.

[beach]

Just like the drugs or alcohol - you are handing your OW all your power.

 

Take your power back. Work on healthy balance. Do you have a sponsor? Is this something you can address right away with your counselor?

 

 

Blocking all forms of OW contacting you is a good start.

[LostnAfraid]

You CAN take it back by coming clean and being honest with her.

 

The longer you keep it to yourself, the more it is going to gnaw at you and cause bigger issues when it does come out - because it WILL.

 

And it would be much better coming from you than fr

om the AP or someone else who may know.

 

As if now I'm not going to come clean. I know my AP will not also. I agree with you, I'm just not going to do it. Not yet anyway... Probably never. I don't see any way of this coming out. Nobody knows. People suspect. No proof. Never will be physical proof unless we continued to meet... Which we won't. We are done.

[LostnAfraid]

Just like the drugs or alcohol - you are handing your OW all your power.

 

Take your power back. Work on healthy balance. Do you have a sponsor? Is this something you can address right away with your counselor?

 

 

Blocking all fs of OW contacting you is a good start.

 

No sponsor. Just me. I'm thankful that I can recognize this. I have a therapy appt Tuesday so until then I think I can remain strong. Honestly, reading about affairs and reading this forum give me power because it helps show me I'm not alone and my instincts are likely right....

[BMP2CPM]

It is not a NEED. It is a WANT. Big difference - especially when it comes down to fidelity.

 

 

Good sex IS A NEED for a man. Men expect good sex from their mate. Not giving a man good sex is the equivalent of a man being stingy to his woman with his resources and many a woman have cheated for that reason.

[BMP2CPM]

...I became very addicted (I'm an opiate addict... clean from suboxone for 4 years) so I began recognizing this was an obsession and addiction....

 

Sound like you need good, professional help for your addiction issues. Also sounds like you are substituting one addiction for another here with the affair. Opiate addiction...sex addiction...not too different.

 

You're not much use to to anyone....your wife....your child...your affair partner. You need to do what ever it takes, focus on yourself, focus on beating the addictions. Only then can you be a good father, spouse, and/or good AP.

 

Also, some of the addictive personality may stem from childhood issues not yet faced. Addictions are a great way to avoid reality. Time for the long, hard struggle to face reality for the good of yourself and those around you.

[Lady2163]

I only have a minute, but I am an overweight woman and there is no easy way to fix that. I also didn't read all the posts, something caught my attention I. Your original post.

 

As with sobriety and addiction eating healthy, responsibly and exercising are lifestyle changes. They can be major lifestyle changes and it is so disenheartening to not see results when you try hard.

 

Here's some ideas.

 

Step 1 challenge your wife to see who can drink the most water in a day. This begins a healthier lifestyle. 10 glasses or more.

 

Step 2. Start going for walks with your wife and daughter. Got a dog? Take it as well. Set your goals each week - joint goals.

 

Step 3 Is there any physical activity at all your wife likes to do? Can you afford a family membership at the Y?

 

Swimming and walking are the two easiest activites to start with. More than likely there is a senior/public water aerobics class which can be low impact.

 

But here is where there may be a lifestyle change. You have do do it with her. I'm assuming you work first shift and so does your wife. That means after work. You fix supper together or clean up together so you have that extra time to be working out together before your daughter goes to bed.

 

TV shows may have to be missed or Internet time. It's a schedule change and tough to do. A couple years ago a friend of mine who was in a normal weight range, but never worked out suffered a horrible tragedy. She had problems sleeping after the tragedy and started going for walks at all hours of the night. That led to a 24 hour gym membership. Which led to two a day workouts. Now she does triathlons. And places. She's pretty buff and toned. She needs the endorphine rush from working out now.

[Donesharing]

Ok. First post so bare with me.

 

Anyway... Sorry for the scattered post. Day one. I'm so messed up. I am seeing a therapist but right now I need advice... I need support. Am I going to be ok? I feel like I ruined my life.

 

I'll never tell my wife. She is very overweight. I'm very fit. She is already very insecure and jealous. I wish she would lose weight and get her confidence she had when I met her... It affects our life greatly... Has for years. She knows. I've told her. I've tried to help her but it needs to come from within her....

 

You are going to be OK. But, honestly, if you aren't happy in your marriage, try to fix it. If you can't then get divorced. Divorce was so scary to me before I did it. But, after and now (ten years later, but it came sooner) I feel true to myself. There is a stigma about divorce, "what will my kids think, what will my family think...friends think", etc. BS, we only live once and we need to be true to ourself. People have a rough time through divorce, but on the otherside it turns out pretty ok.

[Donesharing]

I agree... I want to tell her but it will end the marriage. It's very hard to sit here crying my eyes out and create more lies about why I'm crying.... This sucks so bad. I regret the entire thing. My affair partner hates me saying that because she doesn't regret it... But I do. She's a lot stronger than I am. I wouldn't wish this torment on my worst enemy.

 

Don't listen to the guilt. Listen to what you really want out of life. Hard as it might be, maybe you need to leave your wife. If you aren't happy why stay? Or are you happy and just not getting what you want? That can be fixed. I don't think anyone should just stay because it is the right thing to do. I'd rather be alone. Truth.

[Donesharing]

 

I don't give a flying fig about your OW feelings, or yours, or really even those of your wife. You re all adults. Your child is at stake here, so stop wallowing in your pity party and act like an adult.

 

My 4 children lived through a divorce and it wasn't pretty. But, they are all FINE! They all have significant others, and they love both their father and me. I hate that the guilt of the children keeps people together that aren't happy. It is traumatic, but life has a lot of trauma and ups and downs. It didn't destroy my children. I took them to counseling they realized we both loved them. We are friends and they are all FINE! I really hate that people stay for the kids, when the kids move out, grow up, and would have lived.

[truncated]

My 4 children lived through a divorce and it wasn't pretty. But, they are all FINE! They all have significant others, and they love both their father and me. I hate that the guilt of the children keeps people together that aren't happy. It is traumatic, but life has a lot of trauma and ups and downs. It didn't destroy my children. I took them to counseling they realized we both loved them. We are friends and they are all FINE! I really hate that people stay for the kids, when the kids move out, grow up, and would have lived.

 

I agree. either stay or go, but there is zero room in a marriage for a third person. That is not a solution, as the OP is clearly demonstrating.

 

If one uses the excuse for cheating that "I can't leave because ending my marraige would hurt my kids", then why on earth on you having an affair in the first place? If one gets caught, it's vastly increases the marraige ending on really bad terms.

[whichwayisup]

As if now I'm not going to come clean. I know my AP will not also. I agree with you, I'm just not going to do it. Not yet anyway... Probably never. I don't see any way of this coming out. Nobody knows. People suspect. No proof. Never will be physical proof unless we continued to meet... Which we won't. We are done.

 

If you're really done, then delete that google account and create a new one. NO reason to keep it, right?

[Donesharing]

I agree. either stay or go, but there is zero room in a marriage for a third person. That is not a solution, as the OP is clearly demonstrating.

 

If one uses the excuse for cheating that "I can't leave because ending my marraige would hurt my kids", then why on earth on you having an affair in the first place? If one gets caught, it's vastly increases the marraige ending on really bad terms.

 

Right! Exactly! That was the song of my MM, all about the kids...while, cheating for 2 years. THAT is more hurtful in the end then saying, I am unhappy and need to be true to myself. Right on!

[LostnAfraid]

I think at this point I'm not really sure if I'm happy or not. I think if I were truly happy, I wouldn't have cheated. I never had the desire to cheat until the opportunity presented itself with someone I had chemistry.

 

In many ways, I don't think I'm happy. I have closed myself off to her. We have sex. But it's very routine. The passion is lacking. She never wants to kiss. I have to practically beg her and I hate that. I've talked to her about it and she says she just doesn't like kissing.

 

When she makes jokes, I'm closed off with her. I find her "weird". Even if I find something funny, it's almost like I force myself to not laugh. I'm a completely different person with my wife than I am with my AP. To be honest, when things were good with the AP, I liked who I was better with her. The big question is, what version of me, is the real me???? I don't even know anymore.

 

My wife is a good women. We have our issues. Before making a decision to leave her, I owe it to her, myself and my daughter to see if they can be fixed. I keep pushing the problems on her, and I know I'm not perfect but it's very possible the issue is with me. Maybe after all the years of going back and forth, watching her suffer with her weight and never committing to anything I put a wall up. After all the insulting comments she has said to me, I built the wall up even higher and simply can't get past it to let her back in my life as a friend. That's the thing with my AP, we were friends. But looking back, we never really had deep conversations...we did talk a lot of our spouses. We told each other things about ourselves a lot or we flooded each other with loving emotional words. Our chemistry is undeniable though. My wife makes comments that my AP is my sister from another mother because we have that wise-cracking relationship (flirty).

 

 

As for my wife's weight. I've tried getting her on diets, gone so far as to cooking her meals and preparing them so she can take to work but in my opinion, she has an eating disorder. It has to be this insanely good tasting meal or it's garbage. Rather than looking at it from a nutrient perspective. She is an emotional eater. Last night she said I can't do this to myself anymore. I can't live like this. Then blamed me for letting her order bad food because we had take-out that night. I told her she needs to learn the discipline to make the right choices. Shortly after that she went and got a bowl of ice cream. There is no commitment with her. I also got her a gym membership that she used for about 2 to 3 weeks and hasn't used it in months. One set back or frustration and she quits.

 

It's to the point where she is considering getting stomach surgery. Her sister also battled her weight and ended up getting the surgery and lost a ton of weight. To my wife's defense, she has PCOS which evidently can make it more difficult to control weight. I know it's not easy for her. I feel for her. I truly do. But at the end of the day I look at her and think "just do it". I think my addictive personality in some ways gets me through hard times because I can become overly focused and "just do it".

 

I'm sure my addictive personality will help me get over my AP. Today is day 2. Today my goal is to not check my email hoping to see something in my trash bin. One day at a time. I'm wondering what she is doing...how can she be so strong to not contact me but in reality, I'm also being strong and not contacting her.

 

I've done a lot of reading on "addictive relating" and let me just say...WOW!!!!! Fits me to a T. Which makes me completely question what I feel for my AP. She gave me everything I wanted and it became a need and the minute is slowed with her, I ramped it up. I needed my fix. I needed reassurance...I needed it all. There was no logic when it came to her. Again, maybe I do love her but that is no way to live. I could never be with her unless I fix myself. In some ways I was like that when I first met my wife but then somewhere down the road we just settled in and things went smooth.

 

So, right now I'm in no condition to make the decision to leave my wife or not. My decision of ending the affair is done. I'm going to try everything I can to stick with that. I believe I can. If in time I'm still having these wavering thoughts, I'm going to separate from my wife. But, for now, I'm going to give it an honest effort and I'm also going to bring her to my therapy appointment as a start to marriage counseling.

 

This is my logical side talking. Not the "I need a fix, and NOW" side.

[LostnAfraid]

Now my emotional side is taking over. Since my last post I've been consumed with thoughts of my AP. My wife has been angry all morning. Which makes me miss my AP partner. I can't stand the yelling in house.. The constant tension.

 

I want to contact my AP so badly. I've been crying for the past half hour trying not to contact her. I've checked and no email from her. I'm sure she is feeling the same... She never wanted to not talk she just wanted cool off a bit and continue when we were separated. She wanted to remain friends and in contact but I couldn't...

 

I feel completely ruined...

[LostnAfraid]

I cracked... I contacted her. She hasn't replied. I'm pathetic. I can't do this

[CALOVELY]

Tell your wife you want a divorce. You are in no condition to be in any kind of relationship. What you are doing is terribly unfair and you do not seem to realize how much you have contributed to her condition. Do you not see that when you were out getting high or being carefree/reckless with your OW, she was the one having to hold things together? Her anger is normal and warranted, yet you resent her for it.

 

You need to step away from any relationship and focus on yourself. Get in to a treatment program to aide you with your addiction. All you have done is replaced one with the other. Going it alone, you never built the proper foundation for a long term clean life.

 

I wish you the very best. You deserve better than to be trapped in this spiral. Your wife deserves better than to be resented for not being like somebody else.

[Glowinthedark8]

I am very sorry that you are going through such pain... I do understand... Boy, do I. I am an AP as I write..... Not proud at all to say. Affairs and addiction definently have similar properties. The highest of the highs and crack whore lows.....Btw Ive only been w 2 men in 20 plus years.. I'm labeled a whore just by my affair alone.

 

The willingness to suffer just to have a taste..of purely intoxicating sex and feelings of what heaven must be like .. The tears, pain, jealously and longing..all the risk of reputation...( Most people hate adulterers and are very vocal in their disgust.)

 

 

Just want to let you know you are not alone in your pain for today... Be careful in your choices... Your situation has the potential to go sideways very quickly.

 

 

 

 

Dry your eyes... Today is not forever.

[ajc24]

I am in the same situation as you. My OW broke it off with me after a 4 year affair about 3 months ago. To make matters worse, she did it because she was interested in a single man. Who was I to stop her? I had been looking for a way to end things for 4 years and didn't want to string her along anymore. We agreed to NC.

 

At first, I couldn't do it. I would go a week or two weeks max but always break down and call, email or IM. She always returns the email or picks up the phone for me, which I thought was sweet, but am now realizing was a curse (sometimes she would ignore me, but only when I was acting more emotional or immature).

 

I am here to tell you it gets better. I have now been 3 weeks NC, have deleted her contact info, blocked her on gmail and FB. The key is to ACTUALLY stay NC. This means not looking them up online in any way, no masturbation with them in mind, keep them OUT of your head!

 

In time the "affair fog" will begin to clear and you'll start to take them off that pedestal, wondering how you could have been so crazy over someone so medicore.

 

The road to recovery with my wife is a little trickier because I have also not told her about my A. So I suffer in silence and try to be as affectionate toward her as possible. I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel though.

 

I am now starting to love my wife and children more and feel peace and contentment around them the way I did before my A. I am also beginning to let my xOW go and truly wish her the best. I hope her new bf marries her and gives her the family she so desperately wanted from me.

 

Who knows, maybe our paths will cross again in the future, but I am starting to not hope for that or care as much if it doesn't happen.

 

I, like you, have an addictive personality. You aren't "in love" with your AP, you are addicted to the way she made you feel about yourself. Try to find other activities in life that fulfill this need you have for validation. I am getting into acting very seriously and hoping for a Hollywood career one day. It gives me something healthy to work for and hope for rather than wanting to be in a toxic relationship.

 

Good Luck!

[welshbambi]

OP - your wife does need to take responsibility for her health and weight but you also need to accept responsibility for playing a part in making her insecure and therefore without motivation to tackle it.

 

She may well know what is going on, perhaps not specifics, but she knows your throwing your sausage down another alley somewhere. But because her confidence is low already then she doesn't have the confidence to leave you herself.

 

You have mentioned buying her gym memberships etc but how did you deliver that suggestion? Was it really in a supportive way or in a patronising and accusatory way? My guess would be the latter. And that would have made her feel even worse about herself.

 

You say she doesn't like kissing - did you ever stop to ask why? Perhaps you have really bad breath. It sounds juvenile but that actually is really off putting. Perhaps you don't kiss her with the passion she needs. You are blaming your wife for all the sexual failings but you might be the world's laziest, most uninspiring lover. Maybe YOU don't do it for her - are you a roll on roll off kinda guy? The fact that your AP does light your fire more is probably because she is more forward and again you are doing none of the work apart from the obvious.

 

Whoever posted above about you not being suitable for being in any relationship is right. You know you are acting selfishly and all of your posts are you you you you you. You are not even ATTEMPTING to understand anyone else's feelings or perspective but your own. You have no empathy at this time. Both people need to have that because without it there is no understanding and without understanding then there are problems.

 

Tell your wife that you feel yourself slipping back into your addictions and that you are struggling and that you are going to seek help. THEN GO AND GET IT. You don't have to divorce yet, a separation does not need to be final if you can use it wisely and not just to poke someone else. It might also give your wife some time to work on herself too instead of wondering which woman you are out with tonight.

 

Lastly, man the f*** up and stop with the AP. If you are crying because you can't speak to her for three hours....seriously, think about that. What does that say to you? You don't love her, you need her to make you feel validated.

 

GET

HELP

[beach]

Do your wife a favor and let her be free of you.

 

All your criticism and judgment of her is just cruel to her.

 

 

Learn how to be happy on your own. Otherwise you are only offering an unhappy self to anyone you're with.

 

It's you - not her.

 

But your wife deserves more than what you're capable of offering her.

[blue963]

Ultimately, you should think deeply and listen to the advice of your therapist. THey know the situation much better than anyone here. Proceed carefully, as disclosure can blow everything apart before you are ready.

[october87]

I am in the same situation as you. My OW broke it off with me after a 4 year affair about 3 months ago. To make matters worse, she did it because she was interested in a single man. Who was I to stop her? I had been looking for a way to end things for 4 years and didn't want to string her along anymore. We agreed to NC.

 

At first, I couldn't do it. I would go a week or two weeks max but always break down and call, email or IM. She always returns the email or picks up the phone for me, which I thought was sweet, but am now realizing was a curse (sometimes she would ignore me, but only when I was acting more emotional or immature).

 

I am here to tell you it gets better. I have now been 3 weeks NC, have deleted her contact info, blocked her on gmail and FB. The key is to ACTUALLY stay NC. This means not looking them up online in any way, no masturbation with them in mind, keep them OUT of your head!

 

In time the "affair fog" will begin to clear and you'll start to take them off that pedestal, wondering how you could have been so crazy over someone so medicore.

 

The road to recovery with my wife is a little trickier because I have also not told her about my A. So I suffer in silence and try to be as affectionate toward her as possible. I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel though.

 

I am now starting to love my wife and children more and feel peace and contentment around them the way I did before my A. I am also beginning to let my xOW go and truly wish her the best. I hope her new bf marries her and gives her the family she so desperately wanted from me.

 

Who knows, maybe our paths will cross again in the future, but I am starting to not hope for that or care as much if it doesn't happen.

 

I, like you, have an addictive personality. You aren't "in love" with your AP, you are addicted to the way she made you feel about yourself. Try to find other activities in life that fulfill this need you have for validation. I am getting into acting very seriously and hoping for a Hollywood career one day. It gives me something healthy to work for and hope for rather than wanting to be in a toxic relationship.

 

Good Luck!

 

This ^^^^ all day, everyday! I have an addictive personality, I get addicted to the stupidest things so easliy and that includes people. After my affair ended, I was struggling with thinking of my addiction as "being in love". It's not love, it's just the high we chase.

[harrybrown]

Have you ever honestly talked to the father of your daughter?

 

Have you told him about your A?

 

I do not ever want to mean or harsh, but I do think that when children are involved, we adults need to think about the children.

 

Your daughter needs a good example from you. She needs both her mother and her father in her life.

 

See what you need to fix to try and make your relationship with her father better. If he needs counseling, then go back to counseling like you talked about earlier.

 

But this obsession with the Married other man will only bring your fantasy life wrecking your real life. You will torch your daughter's world.

 

hope you do find some peace and think about the little ones as well.

 

Would you like it if your H spent all this time obsessing over some female?

[awkward]

Man this is just a sucky situation. I feel bad for you OP because your addictions are just going to keep ruining your life.

 

This is not about how overweight your wife is or how fit your AP is. It isn't about bad sex with your wife and great sex with your AP.

 

This is about you. Your behavior. Your coping skills.

 

My advice is to truly think about your family here. Maybe it would be best if you told your wife she isn't crazy, that you are in fact a cheater, and then divorce.

 

I think your wife's best chance is to leave this marriage. She could find someone who loves her, would love your daughter, and find happiness. I hate to address her weight as I feel it really has nothing to do with you cheating, but she could be using food as coping mechanism. I can't even imagine what she has been through with your drug use and now suspecting your affair. It is cruel to gaslight her. She knows. You know she knows. But you still lie.

 

Even if you and the AP give it a shot together, you will still be you. Without doing some serious work on yourself, you will just keep changing the drug of choice.

 

Good luck OP.