MM looking for support

[LostnAfraid]

Ok. First post so bare with me.

 

I'm a married man. Married for 8 years. We have a young daughter. Things have been rocky in my marriage for a while. Well... I ended up in an affair and holy crap this has been the worst mistake of my life and I've made some pretty terrible decisions. The affair partner is also married. Our daughters are best friends. We all hang out together a lot. And she is a teacher at Our daughters preschool.. At first it was a thrill.. A rush. The very first kiss with this girl I was hooked. It was the most intense kiss I've ever had. The passion we share was intense.. Sex was mind blowing. We fell in love quickly. Or at least thought we did.

 

I'm kinda a wreck right now but long story short. Things have been going downhill quickly. I've pretty much driven her away because I'm lost my mind. I'm jealous. I don't trust a word she says cuz I recently found out she lied to me. And was an on going lie. I became very addicted (I'm an opiate addict... clean from suboxone for 4 years) so I began recognizing this was an obsession and addiction. I've done a lot of research and it does seem like an addiction and that I put this girl on a throne that nobody can touch. She is an amazing women but I'm giving her to much credit. She has a lot of gut friends. Is very flirtatious. Doesn't mesh well with my personality but I love that about her... And hate it.

 

So sex with my wife sucks.... The ending is good. The passion sucks. Her kiss sucks... Nothing like my affair partner. I'm not happy in my marriage but I don't want to walk away because of my daughter. Part of me wants to leave and be with my Appt but I know deep down it will be a mistake.

 

So the past two weeks it's been very bad with the AP. Fighting... Haven't seen each other. She wants space. I want to pull her closer. It's just toxic. I keep trying to end it and one of us keeps contacting the other. Today it got real bad so we are ending it again. I deleted her contact info... I'm so depressed. So hurt. So torn. I know I need to move on from her. But not sure I can and not sure how. How do I love without her passion and intimacy when I get none at home.

 

No contact is gonna be so hard... And I'm bound to run into her picking up my daughter at school. I know her schedule so I can pick up when she isn't around but it's no guarantee she isn't working late.

 

Anyway... Sorry for the scattered post. Day one. I'm so messed up. I am seeing a therapist but right now I need advice... I need support. Am I going to be ok? I feel like I ruined my life.

 

I'll never tell my wife. She is very overweight. I'm very fit. She is already very insecure and jealous. I wish she would lose weight and get her confidence she had when I met her... It affects our life greatly... Has for years. She knows. I've told her. I've tried to help her but it needs to come from within her....

[whichwayisup]

Make sure the therapist you are seeing also specializes in marriage counseling too.

 

you and your wife should do counseling together and when the time is right, you confess your A to your wife. Fix "you" first and then tackle your home life.

 

As for your MW, well, you seem to have a realistic handle on the truth of your affair and how toxic it is to you. That's a plus and hopefully you'll find the strength to keep busy and focus on letting go so you can totally end it with her. NO good can come of this, the devastation all around if/when everybody else finds out (your wife, her husband, the kids, friends, even people at school) is gonna be a shi.t storm.

 

You will survive this. You have no choice but to be strong and stay away from her.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

I need advice... I need support. Am I going to be ok? I feel like I ruined my life.

 

You're going to be alright in the sense that none of this is fatal and you are going to die from it. But in the emotional sense, no, you're not going to be alright.

 

I'm not saying that from a moral perspective, I say it from a logical perspective. You are at a crossroads in life and must choose a path, and the one not taken is going to haunt you. Choose your wife and regret riding off into the sunset with the mistress. Choose the mistress and regret breaking your family apart.

 

There's no right choice, just one wrong action--delay. Choose one and stick with it, don't put this off hoping you can pull if off any longer. I'm not saying you have to come clean with your wife (probably better if you didn't and can commit to never coming clean), I'm saying either choose your wife or choose not to be with your wife and stick to it.

[LostnAfraid]

My therapist does do marriage counseling also. He is very up to speed on the entire situation. Hasn't really given me advice. I think he's just waiting for me to figure it out for myself. Which I have.

 

Problem is no matter how much I know deep down the AP is not good for me long term. She could be but the destruction we would cause would be impossible to deal with. We talked about separating from our marriages and sneaking around until we were officially divorced but sooner or later we would get caught.

 

As bad as I know this all is it's still so hard. I want my AP but I know that's the addict talking... ugghhh

[Satu]

I think that this is more about your marriage, rather than the affair and the other female.

 

Look at yourself and look at your marriage.

Edited December 27, 2014 by Satu

[GirlStillStrong]

Ok. First post so bare with me.

 

I'm a married man. Married for 8 years. We have a young daughter. Things have been rocky in my marriage for a while. Well... I ended up in an affair and holy crap this has been the worst mistake of my life and I've made some pretty terrible decisions. The affair partner is also married. Our daughters are best friends. We all hang out together a lot. And she is a teacher at Our daughters preschool.. At first it was a thrill.. A rush. The very first kiss with this girl I was hooked. It was the most intense kiss I've ever had. The passion we share was intense.. Sex was mind blowing. We fell in love quickly. Or at least thought we did.

 

I'm kinda a wreck right now but long story short. Things have been going downhill quickly. I've pretty much driven her away because I'm lost my mind. I'm jealous. I don't trust a word she says cuz I recently found out she lied to me. And was an on going lie. I became very addicted (I'm an opiate addict... clean from suboxone for 4 years) so I began recognizing this was an obsession and addiction. I've done a lot of research and it does seem like an addiction and that I put this girl on a throne that nobody can touch. She is an amazing women but I'm giving her to much credit. She has a lot of gut friends. Is very flirtatious. Doesn't mesh well with my personality but I love that about her... And hate it.

 

So sex with my wife sucks.... The ending is good. The passion sucks. Her kiss sucks... Nothing like my affair partner. I'm not happy in my marriage but I don't want to walk away because of my daughter. Part of me wants to leave and be with my Appt but I know deep down it will be a mistake.

 

So the past two weeks it's been very bad with the AP. Fighting... Haven't seen each other. She wants space. I want to pull her closer. It's just toxic. I keep trying to end it and one of us keeps contacting the other. Today it got real bad so we are ending it again. I deleted her contact info... I'm so depressed. So hurt. So torn. I know I need to move on from her. But not sure I can and not sure how. How do I love without her passion and intimacy when I get none at home.

 

No contact is gonna be so hard... And I'm bound to run into her picking up my daughter at school. I know her schedule so I can pick up when she isn't around but it's no guarantee she isn't working late.

 

Anyway... Sorry for the scattered post. Day one. I'm so messed up. I am seeing a therapist but right now I need advice... I need support. Am I going to be ok? I feel like I ruined my life.

 

I'll never tell my wife. She is very overweight. I'm very fit. She is already very insecure and jealous. I wish she would lose weight and get her confidence she had when I met her... It affects our life greatly... Has for years. She knows. I've told her. I've tried to help her but it needs to come from within her....

This is not a marriage issue and it's not a "relationship" or other woman issue. This is just a symptom of your own internal issue. You realize you are putting your sobriety at risk? You are acting out and using your wife as your excuse and this other woman as your scapegoat. You and OW are scapegoating eachother. Sick. Do you have a program? If so, you need to work it. If not, you need to get one. If you refuse, you need to know you are on a downward spiral and are refusing to get a program because you do not want to acknowledge reality. You are avoiding a huge problem from your childhood or youth that is too painful for you to look at yet. Maybe now is the time, before you screw up your clean.

[LostnAfraid]

This is not a marriage issue and it's not a "relationship" or other woman issue. This is just a symptom of your own internal issue. You realize you are putting your sobriety at risk? You are acting out and using your wife as your excuse and this other woman as your scapegoat. You and OW are scapegoating eachother. Sick. Do you have a program? If so, you need to work it. If not, you need to get one. If you refuse, you need to know you are on a downward spiral and are refusing to get a program because you do not want to acknowledge reality. You are avoiding a huge problem from your childhood or youth that is too painful for you to look at yet. Maybe now is the time, before you screw up your clean.[/quote

 

I will respectfully disagree hereI I have had trouble in my marriage for years. Sex was a constant argument. This women came along and things happened. She fulfilled a need in me that my wife couldn't. Isn't that why all affairs happen. I was missing something I found in my AP. Drugs are the furthest thing from my mind. My daughter is enough reason to stay sober. I will be aware that I can relapse at any time but I won't turn to pills to get over this pain.

 

Right now I'm emotional. I'm hurting. It's not even a full day of no contact. It's been about 3 hours since last communication. I'm just scared about tomorrow and each day after. I will go through withdrawals of texting her. Or her texting me. Triggers every where. But ultimately I love the vision of her just not actually love her.... At least that's what I'm telling myself

[CarrieT]

I have had trouble in my marriage for years. Sex was a constant argument. This women came along and things happened.

Because you let them. If you were not open and honest with your wife, you could have - and should have - confessed to her that things in the marriage were so bad that you were going to cheat. But you did not give her the opportunity to fix the issues before you committed the adultery.

 

She fulfilled a need in me that my wife couldn't.

It is not a NEED. It is a WANT. Big difference - especially when it comes down to fidelity.

 

To fully heal and move forward, you should tell your wife. Come clean and bare it all in the open. Trying to bottle it up and manage it yourself usually fails.

[LostnAfraid]

Because you let them. If you were not open and honest with your wife, you could have - and should have - confessed to her that things in the marriage were so bad that you were going to cheat. But you did not give her the opportunity to fix the issues before you committed the adultery.

 

 

It is not a NEED. It is a WANT. Big difference - especially when it comes down to fidelity.

 

To fully heal and move forward, you should tell your wife. Come clean and bare it all in the open. Trying to bottle it up and manage it yourself usually fails.

 

I agree... I want to tell her but it will end the marriage. It's very hard to sit here crying my eyes out and create more lies about why I'm crying.... This sucks so bad. I regret the entire thing. My affair partner hates me saying that because she doesn't regret it... But I do. She's a lot stronger than I am. I wouldn't wish this torment on my worst enemy.

[truncated]

This is not a moral judgement, though it may sound like one. I know I also sound like a broken record on here about how parents behavior affects children, but I am so sick and tired of parents screwing up their kids lives, then using some feeble excuse to do it.

 

To be brief.

 

While an A has neever been an issue in my own M, I have had ample opportunity to see the effect that it can have on a couples children when one spouse has an A. So often, you hear the line that "my kids won't know"or ' I can't leave my unhappy marriage", but children aren't as stupid as their cheating parents think. They know, and they can see the dammage it cause to their parent who was betrayed. That can be sould destroying.

 

I saw this when my own daughter was in the mental health unit of the hopital with severe depression. When she was sleeping, I'd take a break in the parent's lounge and talk to other parents. Just based on what I was told- people will often tell their secrets to a stranger when they are upset-many of them had been involved in affairs, and were delaing with the fallout it had on their child(ren).

 

We thought our child would make it.

We were wrong, and we lost her.

 

Your child isn't going to care if "daddy wasn't happy with his sex life", all he or she will care about is that you are hurting mommy, or that you were miserable and you stayed because of them. That's one hell of a wieght to put on someone's shoulders.

 

Go ahead, roll the dice. is it really worth your child's future mental health and maybe even their life just so you can sneak around and get some on the side?

 

Trust me, if you ever find yourslef where we were, that will provide cold comfort to you, as wil your ow. You won't be able to take it back. is it really worth that?

 

I'm not trying to scare you or overdramatize, just telling you one possible outcome of your cr@ppy behavior. If you hate your wife or dislike her enough to cheat on her and refer to her the way you do in your post, then either work your @ss off to repair your marriage and never, ever look back, or begin the process of separation and divorce.

 

either one wuld be better than what you're (not) doing right now.

 

I don't give a flying fig about your OW feelings, or yours, or really even those of your wife. You re all adults. Your child is at stake here, so stop wallowing in your pity party and act like an adult.

[whichwayisup]

I agree... I want to tell her but it will end the marriage. It's very hard to sit here crying my eyes out and create more lies about why I'm crying.... This sucks so bad. I regret the entire thing. My affair partner hates me saying that because she doesn't regret it... But I do. She's a lot stronger than I am. I wouldn't wish this torment on my worst enemy.

 

Your wife isn't stupid, she probably is suspicious and possibly you cheating on her has passed through her mind but she trusts you and doesn't want to believe you'd betray her in the worst way possible.

Drugs are the furthest thing from my mind.

 

But the behaviour isn't. Just give that some thought.

[GoldieLox]

Drugs are the furthest thing from my mind. My daughter is enough reason to stay sober. I will be aware that I can relapse at any time but I won't turn to pills to get over this pain.

 

I will go through withdrawals of texting her. Or her texting me. Triggers every where.

 

But if you continue in this situation and state of mind, the pain may drive you to the behavior again. You know this. The behaviors you described in the second sentence are addict behaviors in and of themselves. The whole situation is triggering. As another poster mentioned, do you have any kind of program or anything? I'm very familiar with addiction and I'm concerned for you.

 

I'm not sure how long you've been with your therapist and what your history with him is like, but you mentioned that you believe he is waiting for you to "figure it out yourself"? Therapists are not magicians, but I can assure you, they are not supposed to let you just figure it out yourself. I suggest you either have a very open discussion with him, or find a new one. If you really don't want to walk away from your marriage for the sake of your daughter, at least go to MC.

[LostnAfraid]

You are all right. This entire situation is a trigger for addictive behavior. It's just very different for me. I have addictive behavior in my every day life. Sometimes I wonder if it's more Obsessive Compulsive. I 100% believe this will not lead me to pills. I can't really explain. I just know myself well enough to believe that is the furthest thing from my mind and will be. That part of my life was very destructive and I usually learn lessons the hard way, but once I learn them, I don't make the mistake again! I'm 39 years old...been through a lot to learn a lot about who I am.

 

Anyway, I'm feeling better this morning. I go back and forth. Do I love my wife? Do I love the AP? Do I love both? I don't really know the answer to any of it.

 

If I'm being completely honest, and I will be here. I don't really care if I'm judged for this because I'm well aware this is a flaw within myself that I need to fix, but....

 

Over the years as my wife gained weight, her self confidence went down the tubes. That's what attracted me to her in the beginning. She was funny, very confident and looked amazing. I'm still attracted to her but she has gained a lot of weight over the years. It affects her life in every way. Defeated by the obstacle of losing it. No confidence. Constant anger and depression. In some ways, she acts more like a guy than a women. She is still very caring, just has an odd way of showing it. She is a great mother when she can control her temper. She would never hurt our child but the yelling sometimes gets a bit much. I hate it. Anyway, all that has drifted us apart over the years.

 

I'm a bit superficial I guess. This is where the AP came in. She is good looking, not a perfect 10 by any means but her confidence drew me to her. She has a great personality. My wife does also. But the confidence sucked me in like a hoover vacuum. I honestly think that if my wife lost weight, and gained her confidence back, things would be so very different. I don't know if it's normal of me to think all this or what but it's cause and effect. She gained weight, lost confidence. It affected how she acted with me, and how I acted with her. I became closed off to her. Still am.

 

Now, what have I realized through the past 6 months????

 

Well, I believe I fell in love with this AP. I would do anything for her. However, I think I learned that I'm in love with the vision of what we could be. In some ways I took on her life style the past 6 months. I'm fit, I'm active but my wife and I didn't get out a lot. I lost touch with friends. My AP is the opposite. Always doing fun things. Has a lot of friends. It made me remember that I miss my friends and I like going out and having fun. I'm also a private person so I don't mind not going out. When I take a good look at myself and who I've always been, most likely a relationship with the AP would probably crash and burn. I would eventually turn back into who I am. Maybe..maybe not...but most likely.

 

I learned that I got very addicted to the way she complimented me. My wife rarely compliments me and when she gets angry, she insults me and hurts me verbally. This has affected my self confidence. My AP built me up.

 

I become addicted to the affection. The constant "I love you" and "I miss you" and all that goes along with it. I'm an affectionate man. I'm a sensitive man so I love that. I thrive on it. Some would say I'm not a normal man because of how emotional and sensitive I am. Why can't my wife be like that with me? She says those things but for some reason, it doesn't feel the same as it does when it comes from my AP. I don't understand what that means?

 

I know I love my wife. I do not want to hurt her. I know I've been hurting her because I have pushed her away through this affair. I have been trying to restore things. I've communicated everything about her weight and anger and we are going to work on it but the thought of my AP makes me think, "should I waste all this time with someone I'm not happy with or should I just leave and see what happens with the AP". I'm on a see-saw...

 

I guess what I need is distance from the AP for a while and to give it an honest effort with my wife. That is the right thing to do, especially for my daughter. I can't even imagine not seeing my daughter on a daily basis.

 

I learned that the feeling of being in love, is most likely not the same as loving someone. Maybe the passion I felt with my AP is just temporary just like it was with my wife.

 

My wife is so down, so out of shape, so unphysical that keeping up with house chores is difficult for her. She can't manage her own life, let a lone a family. I do as much as I can. I cook, I do laundry, I clean. I compare that to my affair partner who has her life in check. She goes to the gym. She works. She is a great mother. Her house is always immaculate. Stark contrast. Again, I love the thought of the AP....but taking a good look, maybe it's not my wife that's the problem. It's likely both of us and although my AP may clean more, me way not work as well together as my wife and I do when she is feeling good.

 

I'm rambling. So many thoughts. Bottom line is, the affair is very bad, very destructive. I 100% have to let go of it. Let go of her before I cause unfixable damage to many peoples lives. No matter what I want, I have to be the better person and try to to ruin other peoples lives. I need to move on...I need to forget....or at least make it a distant memory that doesn't control my every day life.

 

One final realization....when I feel like I can let go, like I do right now. I'm at peace. I don't have anxiety, I can control my crazy thoughts. I have control like I had before the affair. The second I get talking to the AP, all these feelings come rushing back. For two weeks we've been going around in circles and that makes me crazy. Everything about it makes me insane. Even she said she can't believe who I am. I'm not the person she fell in love with...and I absolutely am not. I don't even know who I am when I'm like that. It's out of control. I have no control...

 

But I do for right now, this very minute...that's a step in the right direction!!!

[LostnAfraid]

Your wife isn't stupid, she probably is suspicious and possibly you cheating on her has passed through her mind but she trusts you and doesn't want to believe you'd betray her in the worst way possible.

 

 

But the behaviour isn't. Just give that some thought.

 

 

You are dead on!!! She has suspected it. Has accused me of it! She is absolutely not stupid. She is a VERY smart women. In some ways I'm surprised she hasn't proven it by now.

 

For that, I hate myself for because if she did find out, it would absolutely crush her. I've been making her feel like she was crazy for thinking I was cheating, yet she was 100% correct. I'm a terrible human being!!!! Selfish piece of sh*t!!!!! I felt like my wife didn't deserve me. It's quite the opposite.

 

 

Also, the AP husband has made comments about the two of us also. The chemisty between my AP and I is very obvious. Many people have questioned my AP about it. I keep people at a distance so people wouldn't question me cuz I just won't tell them.

 

I'm sure suspicion will grow once they realized I removed them from my Facebook. I blocked them. I'm going to do whatever it takes to avoid hanging out with them...It's just more lies I have to create to skip a night out with them.

 

I feel for our girls though because they are best friends and always want to hang out together for play dates...dinner..whatever. I can't put myself in that situation. I can't be around them it's too painful. My AP could handle it..she wants it to be that way but I can't..My way of moving on has to be no contact. eliminate the "drug" from my life as much as humanly possible.

Edited December 27, 2014 by LostnAfraid

[LostnAfraid]

It's not ok...i know this and I have to live with it. For now my decision is to not tell her.

 

I know what I did was very wrong. I can't take it back.

[Satu]

Do I love my wife? Do I love the AP? Do I love both? I don't really know the answer to any of it.

 

 

Love has many definitions, but one that is important to me, is:

 

"Total commitment to the wellbeing of a person."

 

According to that definition you do not love your wife, the other woman, or yourself.

 

You've got a very long walk ahead of you.

[LostnAfraid]

Love has many definitions, but one that is important to me, is:

 

"Total commitment to the wellbeing of a person."

 

According to that definition you do not love your wife, the other woman, or yourself.

 

You've got a very long walk ahead of you.

 

Ouch... That one stung. You are right I do have a long road. The AP just emailed me and ruined my day.. I was feeling good. I just blocked her emails.

[Cali408]

Ignore the OW. Channel the energy into your wife.

You have an addictive personality whether it be opiates or love, you are chasing the high and have replaced drugs for an affair.

 

Just get through today. If you can go without contacting OW, or looking her up online or have any contact. You're a winner.

 

Why don't you go for a walk with your wife? If she's overweight, it's a great way to spend time with her. 2 miles and just talk. Not about anything deep, just spending time. No one has ever felt bad after a walk.

 

Why feel bad? If you didn't respond and blocked her, you're a winner.

[LostnAfraid]

I blocked her to a point. Her emails go directly to the trash bin. Problem is now I keep checking the trash bin in some ways hope to see an email from her.

 

I'm out with my family now and very sad. Every where I turn I'm reminded of her and I'm not anywhere we've ever been together. I just keep picturing me being with her instead of my wife.

 

Day 1 sucks . This is so hard.

[CALOVELY]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My wife is so down, so out of shape, so unphysical that keeping up with house chores is difficult for her. She can't manage her own life, let a lone a family. I do as much as I can. I cook, I do laundry, I clean. I compare that to my affair partner who has her life in check. She goes to the gym. She works. She is a great mother. Her house is always immaculate. Stark contrast. Again, I love the thought of the AP....but taking a good look, maybe it's not my wife that's the problem. It's likely both of us and although my AP may clean more, me way not work as well together as my wife and I do when she is feeling good.

 

 

Your wife stood by you during your full blown addiction and helped you get clean. She suspects you are now having an affair and you wonder why she is so down and is not that confident woman she used to be? You compare her to your OW saying the OW has her life together. Your OW did not have her life turned upside down being married to a drug addict. Your wife did. If your OW is as put together as you say she is, why is she having an affair? Worse, why is she putting her daughter in the middle of it all by cheating with a father at her daughter's school?

[Lovebug66]

Hi Lost,

I have to agree with Cali that even if this addiction to the OW doesn't lead you back to pills, it is still bringing out all of your addictive behaviors. You have just switched your addiction. I can tell that you don't like the way your acting, but you are caught up in the rush. Doesn't that seem familiar? My H was addicted to pills for over ten years, sober now for almost 3. I get your addiction and why you don't want to go back to that. What I think you are failing to see is your A is not necessarily a ticket back to using, but it is a ticket back to the hole you were in while you were using. The internal fighting, giving up your morals, hurting those you love, not being able to focus on much other than the next fix, knowing you could lose everything. Isn't THAT what you don't want to return to more than the drugs? This A is leading you right back down that path.

 

About the gaslighting - man do I know gaslighting unfortunately. I was gaslighted about my H's drug use for years, then was with his A too. I have been thru a lot in this marriage, but I really have to say it was the gaslighting that hurt me most. More than the tens of thousand dollars he has spent on his addictions, more than having an A. It is really one of the worst kinds of emotional abuse you can do to someone. I am a smart, witty, friendly woman who has been questioning my sanity for years now for no reason really. Everything I knew my H to be lying about was true, I wasnt crazy at all. I don't worry about my H using or cheating anymore, but I still worry I am crazy when my gut starts telling me something isn't right. With anyone, not just my H.

 

Now I'm not saying you have caused your wife's weight gain or her being less outgoing now than she once was. She is choosing unhealthy coping mechanisms and she can choose better. But they ARE coping mechanisms. (I'm making an assumption that you were also gaslighting her during your addiction since I haven't met an addict who doesn't do that yet, but I apologize if I'm wrong). You don't find yourself funny or engaging when you think you're crazy. It's exhausting to put on the 'show' for others and it's not fun being around other people anymore. It just crushes your soul and the person you once were. Every day that you lie to her you kill her a little more inside. I don't think you want to do that to her and I understand you think the truth will kill her more. From someone who has been where your wife was tho, the truth hurt like hell, but it was also the start of me getting the person I really am back. Living in hell day to day finally stopped when the truth was out there.

 

I apologize if this has come off harsh, but I think you need to take a hard look at the damage you are causing, not just a 'I know I'm doing a horrible thing' brush off.

[whichwayisup]

I blocked her to a point. Her emails go directly to the trash bin. Problem is now I keep checking the trash bin in some ways hope to see an email from her.

 

I'm out with my family now and very sad. Every where I turn I'm reminded of her and I'm not anywhere we've ever been together. I just keep picturing me being with her instead of my wife.

 

Day 1 sucks . This is so hard.

 

Completely block her, no emails, even to your trash bin.

 

Question. When was the last time you went on a date with your wife, made her feel loved and special? Bought her flowers for no reason? Your focus and energy has been elsewhere, so chances are (as I mentioned before) your wife has noticed some changes in you.

 

How old is your child? you say she's young, so it is possible your wife suffered from PPD after child birth. She put on more weight and possibly is depressed.

[whichwayisup]

You are dead on!!! She has suspected it. Has accused me of it! She is absolutely not stupid. She is a VERY smart women. In some ways I'm surprised she hasn't proven it by now.

 

For that, I hate myself for because if she did find out, it would absolutely crush her. I've been making her feel like she was crazy for thinking I was cheating, yet she was 100% correct. I'm a terrible human being!!!! Selfish piece of sh*t!!!!! I felt like my wife didn't deserve me. It's quite the opposite.

 

 

Also, the AP husband has made comments about the two of us also. The chemisty between my AP and I is very obvious. Many people have questioned my AP about it. I keep people at a distance so people wouldn't question me cuz I just won't tell them.

 

I'm sure suspicion will grow once they realized I removed them from my Facebook. I blocked them. I'm going to do whatever it takes to avoid hanging out with them...It's just more lies I have to create to skip a night out with them.

 

I feel for our girls though because they are best friends and always want to hang out together for play dates...dinner..whatever. I can't put myself in that situation. I can't be around them it's too painful. My AP could handle it..she wants it to be that way but I can't..My way of moving on has to be no contact. eliminate the "drug" from my life as much as humanly possible.

 

Actually your wife may be devastated but she will survive, possibly kick you out and divorce you.

 

Why did you deny your affair? Why not come clean and together you two decide to either FIX your marriage for the sake of your young child, give your best, or divorce? Your affair IS affecting your wife, more than you realize. She may 'know' and is waiting for you to confess.

 

Man up and do the right thing. Stop trying to protect your wife, she's a grown woman and maybe her finding out the truth she will change...Change for herself because she has to, change for the sake of your child.

[LostnAfraid]

Completely block her, no emails, even to your trash bin.

 

Question. When was the last time you went on a date with your wife, made her feel loved and special? Bought her flowers for no reason? Your focus and energy has been elsewhere, so chances are (as I mentioned before) your wife has noticed some changes in you.

 

How old is your child? you say she's young, so it is possible your wife suffered from PPD after child birth. She put on more weight and possibly is depressed.

 

My wife and I recently went on a date night and it began in a fight. It ended decent but the night wasn't that great no real conversation. That's my fault though, I'm a very quiet person unless I'm typing.

 

My child is 4. My wife has been putting in weight since before then. Has battled depression and anger fir most of our relationship.

 

I can't figure out how to make emails just disappear using Gmail. I can send them to trash but them they sit there. She hasn't sent an email all day. I suspect she won't. I made it easy on her to walk away by going nuts...

[CarrieT]

It's not ok...i know this and I have to live with it. For now my decision is to not tell her.

 

I know what I did was very wrong. I can't take it back.

 

You CAN take it back by coming clean and being honest with her.

 

The longer you keep it to yourself, the more it is going to gnaw at you and cause bigger issues when it does come out - because it WILL.

 

And it would be much better coming from you than from the AP or someone else who may know.