Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 I was feeling better today after my crying session this morning. Pulled myself together for work and came to see that I've been living my life on autopilot since my sophomore year of college. I've felt a great apathy for almost 13 years never really pursuing my dreams, going for anything I've wanted, or really living life. My personal relationships aren't what I'd like them to be and I look back to see I've really been detached for over a decade. My career unfolded in a different way than I imagined and it all kind of cycles back to college, where I struggled, failed out, and I detached from my own life. Realizing this I felt better, an epiphany of sorts, and feeling engaged. It was overall a positive day. Tough to realize I've been this way for so long but faith enough to know I can emerge from the shell and stop living my life on the sidelines at last. Of course to be honest that feeling was accompanied by believing if I can straighten myself out, let my personality shine through, I can win my Ex back and be a family again. So even with a little epiphany there was a some denial mixed in. I honestly don't believe I'm straight up in denial. I'm not sure where this faith in my Ex is coming from. It just feels like a forgone certainty that we will reunite. That sense of peace was disturbed when I picked up my daughter and the first thing she mentioned was that the Ex's new boyfriend came to dinner last night. She is young, 3 1/2, so it is hard to know why she felt like saying that. She has also been sick the last two days and my Ex texted me to say I need to schedule an appointment for tomorrow. We've always been good about communicating when our daughter has been sick, so I'm not sure why I wasn't informed that she's sick enough to need to go to the Doctor. So two little things to help dampen my day. Just a reminder of what the future holds, and it's tough to not know when your kid is sick.
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) 10 minutes after I put our daughter to bed I get an angry text from the Ex asking for an update on her symptoms. I detailed her fever and lethargy and she replied "well when we're you going to tell me all that?" She's been sick for two days without telling me, and I wait 10 minutes after she goes down to text her and she's angry with me? Where is this anger coming from? If I had know She was sick in the past two days I could have taken her to the doctor at anytime. Because we waited now I have to call to try and schedule a same day visit on New Years Eve when they are working a half day. The Ex has her new boyfriend, having family dinners with my daughter, and is happy where her life is going. But not happy enough to not be pissed at me if I don't text her within 10 minutes of her going to bed. So tell me, why is she so angry? Edited December 31, 2014 by ThreeYearsDumb
lil hoodlum Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Just let it go. Her anger isn't your problem. You aren't her punching bag. She is again just trying to control you because it makes her feel better. Enjoy the rest of your night.
BroknHart Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I think that at this point she just has negative thoughts/feelings towards you. Anything you do or don't do can trigger an angry reaction from her. Many (not all) women act like this when a relationship has ended and they feel they were the victim in someway. I know you don't want to hear this, but the more involved she is in another relationship and she begins to rebuild her life, the less angry she will be. Maybe one day she'll be done feeling angry and things could change between you two, but don't focus on that. You don't want to drain yourself out hoping for something you can't control. You shouldn't let someone else have so much control over your emotions... I know it's tough to swallow and accept right now, but it's true. This is something I'm working on myself.. The holidays are just brutal.
ralfgarnett Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 We were together for 2.5 years and have a 3 year old together. We've actually been separated for awhile now, but each of us had approached the other about reconciliation in the past year and a half. We tried most recently in August and she said she just couldn't do it and started dating someone 12 years older than her at the same time. They've been together since August and he's already met my kid. It seems like the weight of everything is hitting me now that she is actually dating someone else. I don't think she has fully moved on from me, but wants to and is forcing herself to. It is hard to focus on days like today. I think I have to take a half day from work cause I just can seem to pull myself together today. As for dating, I know I'm not ready. Telling myself that either my Ex or someone new won't be attracted to me as I currently am is a tool I used to try and compose myself during the tough days. Sometimes it works, others not so much. I am way to hung up on her to try dating. I know I miss her companionship, not companionship in general so I'm not ready to look for someone else. I've actually turned down several dates because im just not ready. thinking of you mate a lot of what you say rings true with me, I feel your pain and want you to know I am here if you want to talk
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) Just let it go. Her anger isn't your problem. You aren't her punching bag. She is again just trying to control you because it makes her feel better. Enjoy the rest of your night. I'm just not there yet. Had another dream about her last nigh, the 3rd one this week and I can't keep waking up feeling like this. Every morning I wake up feeling the weight of it all and can't keep from crying. I hate myself for for not realizing what I had when I could have done something about it. Keep thinking about our last New Years together. We had an argument, things weren't very good. I told her I was going to my dads to see him New Years Day and she just stayed at her sisters. She didn't mind that I left because things just weren't good for us. I had to go to my dads because I needed to borrow money to make rent. We were struggling financially, and I didn't tell her how bad it was. I didn't tell her because I didnt want her to worry or think less of me. I didn't give her the chance to be supportive and didn't communicate. i wanted to provide for for my family. I don't know how she would have reacted but I didn't even give her a chance by not talking to her. She grew up without money so I think she would have understood. I didn't get my Christmas bonus that year, because my company changed its bonus policies and didn't let the employees know until after we had all come back from vacation. I knew we couldn't make rent so I was pretty down the week after Christmas. So I had to go to my dad to ask to borrow money, so I had to go see him. sure I can learn from my mistake and not repeat them but learning won't bring her back. I hate myself for letting it all transpire the way it did. It could have been great, but there are just so many things I did to ruin it. and I'm just feeling the weight of it now. I hate thinking why would she come back when she has those memories to recall. I must have done something right, but she obviously doesn't remember me fondly. She'll never know how much I love and care for her, how I genuinely consider her the love of my life. She doesn't know because I didn't do and say enough to show her when I had her. My dream was to have a family of my own and I broke it after two years. I only got to live my dream for two years. And it took years more for me to realize I wasn't emotionally equipped to live a full life and do something about it. I don't blame her for moving on. Edited December 31, 2014 by ThreeYearsDumb
unforgotten Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Hello. I wish I could make you feel better but I don't know what to say to be supportive enough. I just want you to know that I recognize my own post bu thoughts in your words. Almost to the point. I also felt very guilty and was wondering a lot how it could have been if I did this and that. The guilt will go away I promise you that. You're not thinking clearly now and only time will help you to heal. It's been almost 3 months after bu for me now and I still think of her every single day and wonder from time to time how it could have been and how awful was I. But you know what. I never cheated on her, I never hurt her the way she did me. I never broke up with her when we weren't doing good and I was feeling depressed. There were times when the urge was huge and I could have end it all but I knew it will pass and it always did. I looked at her and knew how much she loved me and I couldn't do anything to hurt her and leave her. I'm glad I never did. I had to deal with a tons of other problems (collage, insecurity about the future of me and her, alcohol abuse in the family, personal physical issues etc.) and I also kept them to myself because I didn't want to bother her with them and it was stuff only I could figure out. It's easy to point fingers and telling me how I should have opened up but only a depressed person can understand one what he's going through. You know what she said to me when I told her all about my problems when she wanted to break up? She said "I wish you would have told me about your problems earlier". There I was with my head full of different problems and depression and her with not a single problem on her mind, feeling suffocated, in a rut and not in love with me anymore. So she went and text and probably personally involve with another guy knowing what she is doing is wrong. For once in her life she had to do something that she wanted not what others want. Those were the words. It was like a knife in the back. Is there anything more selfish than that? And on top of that she said stuff to me that were so hurtful that I can't describe. There's nothing worse when a loved one who you would do anything for treats you like a ****. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I realize she blamed everything on me so she could feel better and I see now how selfish she is and was. It's the same stuff your ex is doing too, please realize that. She's no princess. And I even felt sorry for her telling myself she is confused, she doesn't know what she wants and how the new guy is not right for her. I sat there feeling sorry for myself while she's out there all happy ****ing her new bf. How pathetic. I do feel better and you will too. I'm not nearly there yet but I know the day will come! And I also know the day will come when she'll grow and realize what she did was simply so wrong. She's a pathetic stupid little child. I could not live with myself if I did something like this to another person. I wonder how she's able to look herself in the mirror. You know what, we needed this experience and pain so we can rise and fly. Something good will come out of it, there's no question about it. The only truth is you never know what tomorrow brings. Hang in there buddy!
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Something else that doesn't help is my lack of friendships. It doesn't speak well when both New Years and Christmas pass and none of your friends reach out via text, a phone call, Facebook, or even a group text to wish you a merry Christmas or Happy New Year. I didn't receive an invite to any New Years party or gathering. I know that people do care, so it just is another thing to add to the to do list. Cultivate better personal relationships. 1
BroknHart Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Happy New Year! 2015 WILL be a better year. You have to believe it
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 I just broke down crying in front of my daughter. I only got an hour of sleep and can't keep it together. it will just be the two of us alone all day. The Ex was supposed to call to take her for a couple hours but never did. I took our daughter to the doctor yesterday and the Ex hasnt asked how she is doing. I want to text her an update but dont want to be the one to reach out. So far just a miserable day. I can't even keep it together for my daughter anymore.
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 I just got back from an afternoon out with the Ex and our kid. She was just supposed to pick her up and be gone. But then she asked if I wanted to do something. The day after Christmas when she invited me to go sledding, she asked me if I was over it. I said no and she said we can't do anything together then. Now on January 2nd, she asks to do something again. We shared a beer, and she cuddled up beneath my arm, and we laughed. I'm fully aware that she is just detoxing from me, most likely. As things progress with the new guy she will be more fully with him and there won't be a place for me anymore. But when you spend day after day praying and hoping with every fiber of your being to be able to spend time as a family again, and crave just a little bit of sffection from her, I said yes without thinking. It was an involuntary reaction. She knows I'm not over it, we just had that talk last week so she already knows I'm still on the hook, no sense in testing that bond. Maybe next time I'll be stronger, I won't give her the benefit of both worlds. But after the hell I've been through the past two weeks, I think it was worth it. I might revisit hell, but it can't get much worse, so I took the escape. A few precious hours of relief from my own mind. We didn't talk much about us. We just left it unspoken that this weird after our talk last week. I was happy today, so consequences be damned.
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