female_girl Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Back story is I'm in my first relationship with a guy. He has had previous gfs but wouldn't tell me too much about them. We're in our late 20s. It's been a year now. At first I was hesitate to start a relationship with him but he made me feel safe and he'll find a way to hold me each time we met. Eventually we became bf/gf and he wanted an intimate relationship. Somewhere along the middle, I was happy when I got to see him and miss him when I don't. However, over time he held me less and a part of me felt neglected. Is having sex with him making me feel more attached that i want to see him more? I can't figure out why I ended up crying last night when I'm by myself. All that emotions are too confusing.... Part of me probably loves him but another part doesn't really know the other sides of him
Tayken Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Relationships are what you make them...unfortunately many of us go in with our eyes close, ignore flags, get infatuated, lust after sex, and once the obvious is out of the way, then we start realizing that everyday life is not about sex, and that bills have to be paid, chores have to be done, communication is required, mutual respect is important. If the other party doesn't value all this or sees it the same as you, then all things start to fall apart. This is a phenomenon that will continue as long as humans choose to be oblivious to lessons learned, and only in it for what they can get out of it. Relationship should be looked at as a business...imagine if everyone doesn't do what they are suppose to do. The company won't be competitive (healthy), jobs will be lost, shareholders will lose out (kids), and the company will tank (divorce) 1
Danda Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Don't worry, you're just a later bloomer going through your first relationship, so all of these feelings and experiences are new to you. A lot of people go through this when they are younger and then we get to blame our crazy feelings and confusion on our teenage hormones. And while teenage hormones certainly play into things, frankly I think the angst and confusion of one's first relationship is normal regardless of age and biochemical complications. If you allow yourself to be open to it, you will wind up learning a lot about yourself, as well as what you want and need in a relationship. You will probably wind up ignoring some red flags, fretting over the wrong things, and all while grappling with understanding the new feelings that come with getting romantically attached. Eventually you will learn how to cope, rise above and move on after a breakup. This is all very normal in the human experience, just do plenty of honest introspection and don't deny your emotions or try to 'push out' uncomfortable thoughts. The more open and honest you are with yourself and to learning/growing, the more you will grow and the more you will get out of the overall experience. Relationships come with the good, the bad and the ugly, so to speak. The best way I can articulate it is that love is the prism of all emotions. When you love someone, that love will enable the activation of every other emotion on the spectrum, from sadness to anger to joy to nostalgia to hope to fear and beyond. What you will learn along the way is that the right person will be worth all of it, as well as how to walk away from anyone who is not the right person.
preraph Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 A good relationship shouldn't be making one or the other person feel hurt and insecure all the time, but you must realize that being insecure is most often already a part of the person who is feeling insecure, and then the uncertainties of the relationship just give insecurity more room to bloom. If you feel you're insecure in every relationship you've ever had, then it's you and it might be a good investment to get into therapy and find out where those feelings originated. If it's just with this guy, well, love should make you feel better, not worse over the long haul. When it's right it should make you feel MORE secure (unless you have a big problem with insecurity nothing to do with him), more happy, more protected and taken care of. Keep all this in mind when deciding whether to stay in a relationship. If you end up in a committed relationship and still feel that way, something isn't right.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 However, over time he held me less and a part of me felt neglected. Is having sex with him making me feel more attached that i want to see him more? A very common reason for a woman to lose interest in sex with her man is that she feels emotionally neglected when he stops being affectionate and doing the little things to show he cares about her. Yes, having sex generates bonding chemicals that keep you attached. Let him know that you miss the affection of being held. Focus on the positives of how happy it made you feel, versus the negatives of how sad about it you are now. If he doesn't get the message, you'd be smart to pull back as well. If he loves you, he'll want you to be happy. 1
Author female_girl Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 Thanks for the advice! I'm learning a lot about myself and all. In the future I'm not sure if I'll let myself be so open/vulnerable without being able to see the guy more often. Part of me wishes to see him more especially when I don't have anything to preoccupy me with. How do people usually talk in a relationship? We're not like my other friends who chat everyday or call or see each other everyday. Maybe I was just feeling sad during the holidays since my bf and I never had the chance to see each other.
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