Why do unfaithful people blame their partners for their acts?

[BlueIris]

And why do, cheaters lie about it to you but stay by your side and tell you they love you and all those things?

 

is there a reason for this? Many?

I know it is a bit of a too general question, but I would like to hear what others think about this

 

I guess because it is so incredibly uncomfortable for them to accept and say to themselves, "I'm a bad guy, a liar, a cheat." They can't tolerate reality.

[autumnnight]

Because of all the things humans just cannot bear to be, WRONG is at the top of the list. We will do anything to keep from having to be wrong.

 

Sadly, our denial of it doesn't make it go away. When you are wrong, you ARE wrong.

[Lady2163]

So Ive been the OW and when I was married I would possibly have cheated/had an exit affair if I'd actually looked and found the right AP.

 

Again, it would have been an exit affair. I no longer loved my husband. Had a five year plan for leaving the marriage. My husband was the laziest man Ive ever met in and out of the bedroom. He was neglectful and selfish. Time and again he did things to subtly sabotage me. He would act like a helpless child.

 

So, by taking me for granted, by being selfish, but not giving a damn about my wants and needs, he gradually killed the love. Eventually, some of the things he did were so wrong and prickish, I despised him. I was going to suck it,up for five years, but then I was divorcing him. However, he left me over something trivial and I decided not to reconcile.

 

Obviously, abuse and neglect to that extreme are not always the case.

 

I think people have to take a good look at the minor to major behaviors we do to our partners. - the people we love and cherish and own up to our actions.

 

Imhad a few examples, but have to leave. It used to be said that men get married hoping nothing changes and women get married planning to make changes. Those two mind sets will

[Under The Radar]

Because of all the things humans just cannot bear to be, WRONG is at the top of the list. We will do anything to keep from having to be wrong.

 

Sadly, our denial of it doesn't make it go away. When you are wrong, you ARE wrong.

 

So true ...... some people would rather be "RIGHT" all the time ...... than to be happy.

[ktya]

So Ive been the OW and when I was married I would possibly have cheated/had an exit affair if I'd actually looked and found the right AP.

 

Again, it would have been an exit affair. I no longer loved my husband. Had a five year plan for leaving the marriage.

 

....

 

So, by taking me for granted, by being selfish, but not giving a damn about my wants and needs, he gradually killed the love. ... I was going to suck it,up for five years, but then I was divorcing him. However, he left me over something trivial and I decided not to reconcile.

 

I wont profess to know the intimate details of your relationship, but I hope now you can look back and realize your strategy was very passive aggressive, and cowardly.

 

If you were giving it chance and trying to work on the relationship, a five year exit strategy or contemplating having an exit affair might be honorable.

 

If you had of dragged it out for 5 years that would have been 5 years of misery that you would have merely prolonged for the both of you. Chances are that by that point, you had already endured misery for a long time to even contemplate a 5 year plan.

 

Luckily for the both of you, he ripped off the band aid and ended it - something you should have done a long time before he got to that point by the sounds of it.

 

Something that jumps out at me, is you hold him responsible for killing your love for him:

 

So, by taking me for granted, by being selfish, but not giving a damn about my wants and needs, he gradually killed the love

 

I wont pretend to even pretend I know the particulars, but this attitude is unhealthy. I say this because you obviously exhibited some serious selfishness yourself, as you were ready to drag him through five more years of what sounds like an awful marriage merely for your own convenience to get your ducks in order so your transition to singlehood was more comfortable.

 

Sorry to hear you had such an awful marriage. An affair or a five year plan is not the answer. The best time to act is always right away.

[Drspell12]

So Ive been the OW and when I was married I would possibly have cheated/had an exit affair if I'd actually looked and found the right AP.

 

Again, it would have been an exit affair. I no longer loved my husband. Had a five year plan for leaving the marriage. My husband was the laziest man Ive ever met in and out of the bedroom. He was neglectful and selfish. Time and again he did things to subtly sabotage me. He would act like a helpless child.

 

So, by taking me for granted, by being selfish, but not giving a damn about my wants and needs, he gradually killed the love. Eventually, some of the things he did were so wrong and prickish, I despised him. I was going to suck it,up for five years, but then I was divorcing him. However, he left me over something trivial and I decided not to reconcile.

 

Obviously, abuse and neglect to that extreme are not always the case.

 

I think people have to take a good look at the minor to major behaviors we do to our partners. - the people we love and cherish and own up to our actions.

 

Imhad a few examples, but have to leave. It used to be said that men get married hoping nothing changes and women get married planning to make changes. Those two mind sets will

 

Well, it could be. But in my situation, my ex partner always wanted to discuss our issues verbally. ALWAYS. If she had something to say about my behavior, we would talk about it and I would change it.

There were, really, minor stuff, I was honest and never abusive, always considerate of her feelings.

 

So, since she had this approach: talking ---> resolving issues.

It was logical to me that she should have told me she wanted to break up before doing something like that to me, and lie to cover it up.

 

She loved to hear how I regretted my mistakes, but her, no... She is never wrong.

[Lady2163]

I wont profess to know the intimate details of your relationship, but I hope now you can look back and realize your strategy was very passive aggressive, and cowardly.

 

If you were giving it chance and trying to work on the relationship, a five year exit strategy or contemplating having an exit affair might be honorable.

 

If you had of dragged it out for 5 years that would have been 5 years of misery that you would have merely prolonged for the both of you. Chances are that by that point, you had already endured misery for a long time to even contemplate a 5 year plan.

 

Luckily for the both of you, he ripped off the band aid and ended it - something you should have done a long time before he got to that point by the sounds of it.

 

Something that jumps out at me, is you hold him responsible for killing your love for him:

 

 

 

I wont pretend to even pretend I know the particulars, but this attitude is unhealthy. I say this because you obviously exhibited some serious selfishness yourself, as you were ready to drag him through five more years of what sounds like an awful marriage merely for your own convenience to get your ducks in order so your transition to singlehood was more comfortable.

 

Sorry to hear you had such an awful marriage. An affair or a five year plan is not the answer. The best time to act is always right away.

 

Yes, I was getting my ducks in a row. He had done things worse than an affair to me.

 

Differnt topic.

 

He "ultimatumed" me into relocating away from a job that had turned into a career. I was only staying with him until I had my education finished and had five years more of equity built up. In my eyes, it was severance. I actually think he was keeping us in poverty to prevent me for leaving.

 

I'm just not able to give details about what he did. I still like my anonymity on here. He was a man of the old school. He presented himself one way during courtship and engagement and then did a complete turnaround on the wedding night. There's no way I would have married him if I knew that he was essentially conning me.

 

I received a Catholic annulment because he broke his vows. I had irrefutable proof he didn't honor and cherish me. I will believe to my dying day that abuse and neglect are far worse than an affair.

[ktya]

Well, it could be. But in my situation, my ex partner always wanted to discuss our issues verbally. ALWAYS. If she had something to say about my behavior, we would talk about it and I would change it.to break up before doing something like that to me, and lie to cover it up.

 

She loved to hear how I regretted my mistakes, but her, no... She is never wrong.

 

Unfortunately most of this was in her comparison phase. She was already engaged in at least the emotional side of the affair. She was trying to get you to be more like her affair partner.

 

I fell into this trap for nearly a year. The requests for change kept coming and never ended, despite bending over backwards to accede to her requests. She is never in the wrong, because the problem in her head is that you are you, not the affair partner.

[Drspell12]

Unfortunately most of this was in her comparison phase. She was already engaged in at least the emotional side of the affair. She was trying to get you to be more like her affair partner.

 

I fell into this trap for nearly a year. The requests for change kept coming and never ended, despite bending over backwards to accede to her requests. She is never in the wrong, because the problem in her head is that you are you, not the affair partner.

It makes sense. However, it is weird that she ended up NOT being with that guy either, but having some sort of unofficial relationship with a friend of mine and then being single.

 

It doesn't matter, however. I think that was her mistake, and I'm owning mine.

[Lady2163]

Well, it could be. But in my situation, my ex partner always wanted to discuss our issues verbally. ALWAYS. If she had something to say about my behavior, we would talk about it and I would change it.

There were, really, minor stuff, I was honest and never abusive, always considerate of her feelings.

 

So, since she had this approach: talking ---> resolving issues.

It was logical to me that she should have told me she wanted to break up before doing something like that to me, and lie to cover it up.

 

She loved to hear how I regretted my mistakes, but her, no... She is never wrong.

 

I don't know about your situation and give an answer to your topic. I was just trying to give you a abbreviated version of my mindset.

[ktya]

It makes sense. However, it is weird that she ended up NOT being with that guy either, but having some sort of unofficial relationship with a friend of mine and then being single.

 

It doesn't matter, however. I think that was her mistake, and I'm owning mine.

 

As you might note in my dissertation, upon discovery they will give it all they got to start a relationship with the affair partner, who usually withdraws. This is textbook.

 

Her short term relationship with your friend was because she painted herself into a corner. She blew it up with you by having the affair, was heartbroken that the affair partner didnt jump at the chance to get together. She desperately needed an emotional connection, went to your friend for someone to talk to, bobs your uncle, and your friend withdrew to do damage control with you.

 

Pretty textbook.

 

If your still hurting from the betrayal, id advise buying the book i mentioned. At least you will learn the tools to spot it in a heartbeat and perhaps even prevent it if it starts to unfold again.

[preraph]

Some cheaters assume everyone else is like them and will cheat if they have the chance. They are so far gone they can't even fathom NOT wanting to cheat. These cheaters are bad news and will never BE good news.

 

Other cheaters ease their conscious by manufacturing a rationale for their own cheating. It's easier for them to live with themselves if they can tell themselves the other person was really at fault, whether from cheating or some other egregious act. I never believed they actually believed it themselves and always felt it was a simple manipulation to try to deflect blame and regain control, but I have read at least one psychologist who said some of them even convince themselves of it. Neither is a good way to be. Both are big red flags. Irresponsibility taken to the next level.

[Tayken]

@OP....Cos it's easy to just blame others for what is going wrong with one's life, than taking ownership.