Halcyon Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 (edited) So I'm having a pretty horrible day today. I feel like the world has been actively trying to crush my spirit over the last few months. I had to spend Christmas day at my parents with all my siblings, cousins, other relatives who are shacked up with long term partners or married, it was agonizing. I left shortly after dinner was finished and went home because I couldn't stand it any longer. Then I find out two of my friends got engaged on Christmas. How cliche I want to be happy for them but all I feel is bitterness and resentment which is not who I am at all. I hate this time of year, I hate Christmas, New Years and my birthday that follows shortly after. I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, my longest relationship was 2 years and then I found out she was cheating on me so I left. All my other relationships have blown up between 6- 12 months the common theme seems to be my partners getting cold feet when things started getting serious. My last ex told me that there was nothing objectively wrong with our relationship and that I had been an incredibly positive influence in her life. Yet she freaked out and had a panic attack when I told her I had got her a Christmas present and that isn't normal when you are in a relationship so she called it off. That is the most stupid reason I've ever heard; it doesn't matter the thing that matters is she didn't want to be with me anymore. I don't even know what I can learn from this relationship other than sometimes **** happens. I'm just tired, so very tired. I've lost count of the amount of people I've dated over the years I've only been attracted to a small portion of them. They were not bad looking people either, I just didn't click with them. The idea of dating again makes me cringe. Getting to know someone, getting close to them and then losing them. I'm tired of losing people I care about, it's too painful. I want to talk to my ex but I know that is a pointless exercise. I've been strict NC since we broke up a few weeks ago. I miss talking to her more than anything. I feel alone, even though there is people around me who care about me. This time of year ****ing sucks. Edited December 26, 2014 by Halcyon 1
Elle1975 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Stop dating. I am not saying stop dating forever, but stop dating for now. Your life can be full and meaningful without having a special someone in it. I believe that when you finally reach that point where you don't need someone, you will find someone. I also believe that we should put our energy outward, instead of inward. When we can't be happy for a couple of friends getting married, that's what we do.: we keep our energy concentrated on ourselves. Now don't get me wrong, I don't believe in Karma, cosmic genies, and that kind of things. I am just saying that when we start pouring our energy into helping other people, being happy for them, participating into family events, etc.. that's a step into the right direction. Be that guy that everybody looks up to. Go back to school if you aren't happy with your life. Whatever will make you feel accomplished. Now maybe go out and buy a gift for your friends, be happy for them Hope this helps a little. 3
batt Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I'm in the same exact shoes. Christmas is over, new years, then my birthday soon after. Friends are starting to have families of their own. At least I quit smoking since the BU and started going back to the gym. I'll just go back to my original plan before we started dating.
Author Halcyon Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 (edited) Stop dating. I am not saying stop dating forever, but stop dating for now. Your life can be full and meaningful without having a special someone in it. I believe that when you finally reach that point where you don't need someone, you will find someone. I also believe that we should put our energy outward, instead of inward. When we can't be happy for a couple of friends getting married, that's what we do.: we keep our energy concentrated on ourselves. Now don't get me wrong, I don't believe in Karma, cosmic genies, and that kind of things. I am just saying that when we start pouring our energy into helping other people, being happy for them, participating into family events, etc.. that's a step into the right direction. Be that guy that everybody looks up to. Go back to school if you aren't happy with your life. Whatever will make you feel accomplished. Now maybe go out and buy a gift for your friends, be happy for them Hope this helps a little. Thanks Elle, Haha I have no plans of dating in the near future I know that would be a disaster and I'm not the sort to run into the arms of others to hide from pain. Someone does come along when I'm not looking that is the way it has been. I'm that guy that people look up to. My friends come to me when there is something wrong and I'm happy to listen and help if I can. They say I'm one of the most genuine, caring and honest people they know. Who just rolls with life's punches and keeps moving on. No need to go back to school, done that and I'm a dedicated self learner. Hell I basically get paid to learn, I'm lucky in that regard I feel very accomplished and happy with what I do for a living. My Achilles heel seems to be relationships and I'm not even sure what to do anymore in that regard. Basically my barrel of optimism is running very low at the moment the last few months have truly sucked, I'm looking forward to this year been done. I'm happy for my friends, I just can't be around that at the moment things are too raw and I need to get back in a better mental state before I snap. Edited December 26, 2014 by Halcyon
JaneDoe12 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I can relate, Halcyon. Just broke up with my boyfriend 5 days ago and I feel like poo. I couldn't even be happy for Christmas and ended up disappointing my family for making them sad. Everybody keeps saying I have to focus on myself so I guess they must be right. Personally, I still don't know how to do that because I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. But if you're feeling that way about relationships maybe think twice before deciding to be in one? I know that I won't be ready for another relationship in a long time. Sometimes we gotta give time to our hearts and just date ourselves. When I find out how that's done, I'll tell you all
Ganz7 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Stop dating. I am not saying stop dating forever, but stop dating for now. Your life can be full and meaningful without having a special someone in it My life was not full or meaningful when I was with my ex. The reason for that was that we were not going anywhere, no plans, she seemed to avoid talk of plans. I was going to work whilst she was doing online dating. So yeah, the above quote is true enough.
Elle1975 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 My Achilles heel seems to be relationships and I'm not even sure what to do anymore in that regard. Have you thought about seeking professional help? Pin point the problem. Why can't you keep relationship going past the 2 year mark? You mentioned being a self taught individual, on top of your education, but sometimes it's hard for us to see what stares us in the face, regardless of our education or/and IQ.
PaperCrane Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Thanks Elle, Haha I have no plans of dating in the near future I know that would be a disaster and I'm not the sort to run into the arms of others to hide from pain. Someone does come along when I'm not looking that is the way it has been. I'm that guy that people look up to. My friends come to me when there is something wrong and I'm happy to listen and help if I can. They say I'm one of the most genuine, caring and honest people they know. Who just rolls with life's punches and keeps moving on. No need to go back to school, done that and I'm a dedicated self learner. Hell I basically get paid to learn, I'm lucky in that regard I feel very accomplished and happy with what I do for a living. My Achilles heel seems to be relationships and I'm not even sure what to do anymore in that regard. Basically my barrel of optimism is running very low at the moment the last few months have truly sucked, I'm looking forward to this year been done. I'm happy for my friends, I just can't be around that at the moment things are too raw and I need to get back in a better mental state before I snap. Wow, I couldn't have written my own dating situation any better. It sucks man. I know how utterly draining it all feels. Sometimes I think the act of looking for love has to be a labor of love in itself. Like someone building a ship in a bottle and having the capacity to accept that things will break and that sometimes you have to walk away to cool down; however also always having the drive to get back at it. It may not end up how you first thought when you picked up the shiny box of parts. Hell, it may even be missing a few, but when you finally build that thing it will be worth it because you've built it with your own two hands despite the setbacks.
Author Halcyon Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 (edited) Have you thought about seeking professional help? Pin point the problem. Why can't you keep relationship going past the 2 year mark? You mentioned being a self taught individual, on top of your education, but sometimes it's hard for us to see what stares us in the face, regardless of our education or/and IQ. I've had more professional help in the last decade than I care to admit. I have a long history of mental illness, depression, anxiety. However I've had it under control for quite some time now, quite self aware of my own feelings and when I'm heading into trouble. I guess this leads to the type of people I end up with. I crave intellectual stimulation in relationships, it's something I need so I've dated quite intelligent women and things always start off great but with all of them they have had some sort of mental illness. Depression and/or anxiety difference is whilst they have been diagnosed none of them were been actively treated. They would see I had my **** together and feel like they had nothing to offer me. I'm pretty autonomous for the most part and I don't like leaning on others too much. But they end up feeling like they are a burden on me and not giving anything back because I don't lean on them much. All of them have said at some point they feel like they have nothing to offer me or that they are not good enough for me which really ****ing hurts because I was content. My ex who cheated on me ended up going with some guy who had no goals in life, broke and a complete mess because "she felt more in common with him and he needed her" came back some time later saying she regretted what she had done and missed me but I could not trust her at all after that. I talked about this in my other thread and people said these qualities are not things I should be trying to change about myself that they are good qualities. So the only other thing I can think of is to try and change the people I date but it's very hard to be able to spot these issues in the beginning of relationships. To begin with they were all very confident etc but as I got to know them they opened up to me about how they really feel inside and that they are basically wearing a mask for the world most of the time, which I can relate to because I did that for years myself. Anyway now I'm just rambling. Edited December 26, 2014 by Halcyon
RS5T Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Halcyon, Your story is very similar to mine. My longest relationship was 2 years and that was a few years ago. Since then, I've dated about 3-4 girls. They always seemed to not get past the 6-7 month mark. My most recent ex broke up with me almost a year ago (January 2014) and it's been a rocky road ever since. I've been doing everything in my power to get over her/the relationship. I've been to the gym, went on several dates and got a promotion at work. Despite all this, I was still really bummed out over Christmas. I saw happy couples at church and it made me miss having someone. Like you, I've been on several dates with good looking girls but I didn't click with any of them like I did with my ex. She ended up leaving me for her EX when he came back to her out of the blue. I wish I had known she wasn't over her EX. She said she truly loved me and cared for me but was able to drop me on a whim. So much for true love eh? One thing that works for me is having HOPE. You never know who you'll meet tomorrow. That is what keeps me going. It's almost a year later and although I still have my down days, things are much better. I still miss her a lot. I think I always will. Stay strong my friend, you never know when you'll meet the next special someone. RS5T
Author Halcyon Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 Wow, I couldn't have written my own dating situation any better. It sucks man. I know how utterly draining it all feels. Sometimes I think the act of looking for love has to be a labor of love in itself. Like someone building a ship in a bottle and having the capacity to accept that things will break and that sometimes you have to walk away to cool down; however also always having the drive to get back at it. It may not end up how you first thought when you picked up the shiny box of parts. Hell, it may even be missing a few, but when you finally build that thing it will be worth it because you've built it with your own two hands despite the setbacks. It is a labor of love for me. After my first relationship I did not date for 2 years not because I couldn't get dates but because left to my own devices I would become a hermit. I don't think that was too healthy for me to be honest so I generally have to force myself back out there after I'm feeling better. Early stages of dating are extremely draining for me.
Elle1975 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I personally think we all wear masks. If not you'd go out of the date thinking "Too much info!". So they feel like they have nothing to offer, and that you don't "need" them enough. Why not take little steps to lean on your SO a little bit more? Simple things, like asking them to pick up milk, or ask them about their opinion on a specific matter. I often read "be independent", and I have said it myself, but too much of it can be a turn off too, as you know.
Author Halcyon Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 I personally think we all wear masks. If not you'd go out of the date thinking "Too much info!". So they feel like they have nothing to offer, and that you don't "need" them enough. Why not take little steps to lean on your SO a little bit more? Simple things, like asking them to pick up milk, or ask them about their opinion on a specific matter. I often read "be independent", and I have said it myself, but too much of it can be a turn off too, as you know. Yeah I've tried that but it is hard for me I can admit that. Basically they feel the give/take ratio is unbalanced in that I give a lot and they take a lot but they don't have enough opportunities to give back. I'm very much an introspective person in that I deal with things by thinking them through for some time to process them by the time I'm ready to talk about them I've pretty much figured out the solution. I really did try to be more open in my last relationship and I'm always honest about how I'm feeling I guess I'll have to work on that more.
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