LookAtThisPOst Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I had recently started getting to know a woman (Not sure if this falls under "in search of vs. dating, but leans towards so more dating). Met her at Meetup, but she is one of those rare attendees that has little or not time for anything...dating exclusively or even a social life as she travels during the week for work, and if she has her kid for the weekend....there's no doing anything with her. I got her # though and we had talked on the phone a couple of times so far, both conversations lasted well over an hour so its obvious that she's interested in knowing me. Thing is, she does want to get together, but it won't be until after the holidays. She's been divorced a year, and most of her dating lately was strictly online dating, but she grew weary of the wack jobs online..a few were nice, but of those they were kind of complaining about her "tough" exterior or thought of as unfeeling. She claimed the men she's met kind of came off as a big clingy, but obviously this would be the case to a woman who's rarely home. She did say she has a FWB situation with a younger man earlier this year...but only because of obvious reasons that they were BOTH busy with their lives. So the only kind of intimacy she's ever received since her divorce was friends with benefits. She's attended a small amount of Meetups, only to be put off by men wanting to single her out at events and date her (i.e. - take her off to the side and talk away from the loud music), while she really wants to just mingle and get to know new people. So, I'm not sure what to look forward to with this one as she's willing to get to know me, but I'm not going to completely hang my hat on her strictly. Should I be satisfied with the notion I could at least get an FWB out of it? *Shrug*...unless that's something she doesn't intend on doing again...I'm not sure, but what do you make of those types that prefer to live to work, as opposed to work to live? Are they even capable of having a relationship that goes outside of the FWB categorY? Some non-commital men love these kind of women as I'm sure her last FWB was high fiving his buds in the locker room about the cougar he's bangin', but....it seems she was okay with that. Thoughts?
Radu Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Depends what you are looking for. If it's FWB, great. If you want more, move on.
Radu Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Maybe i should write more. First thing that strikes me as a bit odd is the 'clingy' comment. If you are in her situation, and you got a job that occupies a lot of time, a child ... with a subjective definition of the word, clingy can mean anything. 2nd, she said that she comes off as 'tough'. I'd listen very much to this, because ppl tend to be very honest with how they are, we just don't want to pay attention to the bad parts. 3rd, she is just fresh out of a D, risk of rebound relationship is high, can you afford the lost time ?; what do you want ... just sex or a LTR/marriage ? 4th ... it is very unusual for me to hear of a woman saying 'i had a FWB in the yr with a younger man'. It does not sound like the kind of information you would share over with someone you have talked just a few hs on the phone. So the question is ... what do you want out of all this dating ? 1
coolheadal Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Sounds like huge hand full to deal with. Move on and find someone else that's less so agressive. She's set in her ways. Divorce woman with control over the men she been with. Sounds picky. Doesn't like men who cling so if your romantic this woman is not for you. She's just going on to many dates and weeding out all the online men she can date. Your the next one on her list. PASS 1
Diezel Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I've had a FWB like this in the past. This sounds awfully similar. She ALREADY set up the scenario of being FWB's for you, that's her ceiling. Take it or leave it. If you want more than that, she has already warned you that she is the wrong person for that. 1
rester Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 You seem to be highly judgmental of busy people, and she's very busy, so in your shoes I'd probably move on. Accept her for who she is or find someone else. For what it's worth, busy does not necessarily equal non-committal. 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Judging from her busy work life and having a child at the same time, as well as only being divorced for a year, it's understandable why she wouldn't have a lot of free time on her hands and her priorities are elsewhere right now. Most people out of relationships and marriages seem to need those one or two rebound situations, whether FWB or a relationship can be a toss of the coin as they usually are not looking for neither necessarily and it depends on the kind of person she meets. It's probably better she met a younger guy who only wanted to roll around in bed with her for a while before moving on, as she needs time to recollect herself emotionally rather than just diving into another "promising" relationship which is typically started under special circumstances...emotionally speaking, meaning she wasn't really prepared for it, and even in the right place, but some people like to push forward anyway and then learn things backwards...but that's a whole other post. At any rate, I don't think this is the type of woman you are looking for judging by your behavior and perspective of this...it just seems you're feeling a bit rejected and bitter over the fact she isn't willing to either do more or give you more attention.. And yes, this is why unavailable men are better for this woman in this scenario...that's why she would rationalize that being a better match for her for now, as she feels she's busy and has other priorities and this guy isn't going to call her everyday and harass her for a lot of time and energy, he'll just swoop in once in a while and take care of business and then they'll both go on with their week. The problem is eventually she'll want a relationship...probably with that guy, rather than you to be honest, but only at that time will she start to be thinking a bit differently and her behavior will change...otherwise, if you're a smooth guy and play your cards right you could probably swoon her, but she's going to put up a lot of resistance before that happens but when it does, you'd probably not even be that interested at that point in her. So I think what is attracting you a lot of these other men to her is her unavailability, but your lack of understanding in what is going on is allowing you take it far more personal than it actually is...you're just not getting it and because of that you should probably walk away now before you get even butt hurt and throw a fit at some point. 2
Sunfire73 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 She is not ready to be in a relationship. She doesn't want to be exclusive nor committed to anyone. If a relationship is what you want, she won't give you the time, so move on. If you just want to date around like her, then go for it.
Tayken Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Maybe i should write more. First thing that strikes me as a bit odd is the 'clingy' comment. If you are in her situation, and you got a job that occupies a lot of time, a child ... with a subjective definition of the word, clingy can mean anything. 2nd, she said that she comes off as 'tough'. I'd listen very much to this, because ppl tend to be very honest with how they are, we just don't want to pay attention to the bad parts. 3rd, she is just fresh out of a D, risk of rebound relationship is high, can you afford the lost time ?; what do you want ... just sex or a LTR/marriage ? 4th ... it is very unusual for me to hear of a woman saying 'i had a FWB in the yr with a younger man'. It does not sound like the kind of information you would share over with someone you have talked just a few hs on the phone. So the question is ... what do you want out of all this dating ? Bingo.....@OP, now armed with all this info, it should be pretty obvious to you where this woman's head is at. Pay particular attention to the 1yr out of divorce, she is in now way ready for anything serious. Ignore all this at your own peril really. If it was me, I'll just try and get to 3rd base ASAP if she is all that, and then see what happens from there on. 1
GemmaUK Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 If you are likely to feel clingy if you like her then you're better off not dating her. You say that clingy behaviour in this situation would be natural. It's not actually the case always but if you feel you may become that way if she can't be around as much as you want then move on to someone else as you would not be compatible.
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 Pay particular attention to the 1yr out of divorce, she is in now way ready for anything serious. /QUOTE] Incidentally, we had this discussion as far as her being "ready" to date. This was one of those marriages where "it was over LONG before the papers were signed." She couldn't stand being around him probably the last few years of their marriage... so they might as well been divorced 5 years instead of legally 1.
losangelena Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I'd say she sounds a bit closed off and unavailable. I'm with Radu—what do you want out of this? You say you'd be happy with FWB? Nothing more? I dunno. It sounds so weird for people to say they're LOOKING for FWB. The one situation I got into like that was kinda by accident. 1
Tayken Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Pay particular attention to the 1yr out of divorce, she is in now way ready for anything serious. /QUOTE] Incidentally, we had this discussion as far as her being "ready" to date. This was one of those marriages where "it was over LONG before the papers were signed." She couldn't stand being around him probably the last few years of their marriage... so they might as well been divorced 5 years instead of legally 1. Please tell me you didn't believe any of this BS for a second? It's the lousiest excuse some women give as an answer to justify there quick rebound. Yes it might have been over long ago, but the fact that the official stamp was only 1yr ago, decides the when the timer started ticking. If it is me, FWB will be my route of choice. Looking for anything more from this woman, will be like expecting to see a flying pig.
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 Please tell me you didn't believe any of this BS for a second? It's the lousiest excuse some women give as an answer to justify there quick rebound. Yes it might have been over long ago, but the fact that the official stamp was only 1yr ago, decides the when the timer started ticking. If it is me, FWB will be my route of choice. Looking for anything more from this woman, will be like expecting to see a flying pig. Actually, it depends on who is doing the dumping that determines when the timer starts. Usually the one doing the dumping is pretty much over it and had been for a while. The one being dumped, there's indeed a good amount of recovery needed for that person....in fact, her ex-husband has been trying to get back with her post-divorce quite a few times...she rejected him every time.
Tayken Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Actually, it depends on who is doing the dumping that determines when the timer starts. Usually the one doing the dumping is pretty much over it and had been for a while. The one being dumped, there's indeed a good amount of recovery needed for that person....in fact, her ex-husband has been trying to get back with her post-divorce quite a few times...she rejected him every time. It's what you want to believe because that is what she told you...it's not like you know both them, so your views are biased and one sided. Think about it for a second....the same person that told you she had FWBs. I mean who goes round telling people they meet that I had F buddies?
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 It's what you want to believe because that is what she told you...it's not like you know both them, so your views are biased and one sided. Think about it for a second....the same person that told you she had FWBs. I mean who goes round telling people they meet that I had F buddies? The subject was brought up when we started talking about dating in general, she didn't blurt it out randomly. She basically stated that she's been dating , mostly a lot of first, online dates...so the only real close relationship she's ever had since her divorce was that she "casually" dated this guy during the Summer. I then asked, "When you say casually, do you mean "friends with benefits?" and THEN she said "Yes."
Tayken Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 The subject was brought up when we started talking about dating in general, she didn't blurt it out randomly. She basically stated that she's been dating , mostly a lot of first, online dates...so the only real close relationship she's ever had since her divorce was that she "casually" dated this guy during the Summer. I then asked, "When you say casually, do you mean "friends with benefits?" and THEN she said "Yes." Again....you are only seeing things through a rose-tinted glasses because you are into this woman.
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