Ugh... Cybersex gone wrong.

[Haerts]

Just earlier I was thanking everyone for not overreacting about something small and avoiding a problem with my boyfriend. Just now something happened that's making me question everything.

 

Today we had agreed on trying something new - sex through skype. We'll only get to see each other by the end of January, so I thought I'd give it a try (never done that before, I'm not really shy but been always afraid of pictures leaking or whatever). He's never done anything in order to make me not trust him, so I was okay with that, although I knew it was risky. It was my idea though.

 

I'm not going into details, but long story short, while I was naked and doing things he asked me to, he was still wearing pants. So I told him to take them off. And to my surprise, he said he wouldn't, because he doesn't feel comfortable doing that yet. I know he has some issues with his body, he's not handsome, his body isn't beautiful, but I don't care, he's my boyfriend, I like him, we've had sex quite a few times, we've seen each other naked, why would it be a problem? I've told him numerous times that if I didn't like him, I wouldn't be with him. Yet he didn't want to do it. I insisted and he kept on saying no. That completely broke me down.

 

I felt used. I turned off skype right way. Then I told him to stay away from me. I can't be sure as I'm not him, but I don't think his intention was to use me. He does have some issues with his body, I know. But still, I'm really upset. He's been sending sorry messages and calling nonstop, but I told him I was going to sleep 'cause I wasn't going to handle this tonight. I can't sleep though, I just keep thinking about the whole situation and it sickens me so much. This time I know I'm not overreacting. If he wasn't ready for it, he should've told me, instead of waiting for me to do so many things and then say no.

 

So far he's been doing good as a boyfriend, but I don't know if I can get over what happened today. I don't know if I should talk to him and try again. He seems to be sorry, I believe him when he says it was not his intention to hurt me or make me feel used, but still... I don't know. What do you guys think?

Edited December 26, 2014 by Haerts

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I get what you're sharing... and, boiled down, it is this:

 

 

You wanted him to be comfortable (continuing to share) the same amount of vulnerability with you, that you share with him.

 

As I read your report, I wasn't sure ahead of time whether you'd been intimate in person until you covered that, and it was beyond that point when I was surprised by his unwillingness to share.

 

 

I wonder... if you could state with confidence that it is indeed your SURPRISE that hurts more than anything... more than your anger/discomfort at his not fully participating with you.

 

Sometimes I think that if you took away the vulnerability parts, from sex, women would be much more inclined/willing, and so obviously it makes sense that it meant a whole lot more to you than it did to him.

 

I mean, consider wildly how, in the movies, you never know of a case where some random couple are on some random date (watching "submarine races" or the like) at a make-out point, and the guy goes down on the girl with that being (just about) ALL that happens between them.

 

Yet when you reverse the gender roles, such scenarios are written into scripts all the time.

 

 

And I think, to be fair, you have to wait and learn whether or not he has some other past experience, or reason to fear being so bold on a camera... and while it may be a phobia and/or sort of absurd, it still makes sense that such a fear should reduce how upset you are about this.

 

I hope you learn more detail and find a way to feel better about the experience than you do now.

[Trimmer]

And I think, to be fair, you have to wait and learn whether or not he has some other past experience, or reason to fear being so bold on a camera... and while it may be a phobia and/or sort of absurd, it still makes sense that such a fear should reduce how upset you are about this.

Although it would still make me wonder why he would have let her go that far into the area of his own hesitancy before bringing up that he wasn't comfortable going there himself. My idea behind shared intimacy is "we go there together", which involves trust. I can understand the OP's feeling that he kinda let her "go there" and then didn't/couldn't join her, when it seems like if they were really on a mutual journey of exploring intimacy, I think he could have/should have said "hold on, I'm not ready for us to go there yet" - or maybe to put it in another way that might highlight my point better, something along the lines of, "I'm not ready to join you there yet, so let's hold off and stay together here."

 

It's kinda like when you are standing on the edge of a cold pool or lake with a partner, and you agree to jump in at the same time on a count of 3, and you commit and jump, but then you find that your partner didn't. Sure, you were ready to jump in anyway, but you had this agreement, and then your partner backed out - what is that all about?

 

Now to the OP: having said all of that and understanding your concerns and feelings - and I accept and understand that you feel these things strongly - I do think that unless you feel like he did this thing in a malicious, manipulative, or "using" kind of way, maybe shutting him down and refusing to address it might be a little strong.

 

Do you think you can bring yourself to listen to him, if he has an explanation? Is it possible that he pulled back out of some kind of a hang up or something? If he could reveal himself to you about this - perhaps reveal some vulnerability in the process - might that help to heal this rift? But that would need you to listen to him with an open mind and heart - especially if it's a hang-up of some kind, he might not be able to open up to you about it if he senses that you are pissed off at him.

 

(P.S. I'm not saying that you "owe him," or that your strong feelings about this are anything less than valid. Just suggesting that if there is a path to understanding him about this, you may have to find it in yourself to give him a little room to explain himself...)

[Haerts]

You wanted him to be comfortable (continuing to share) the same amount of vulnerability with you, that you share with him.

 

Of course I did! If he agreed we would try it, then why the F would he let me do everything and then back out? I started everything especially because I know it's not as easy for him as it is for me, but we had agreed on trying something, together.

 

Like Trimmer said, I would be completely okay had he said that he's not ready yet. He knows that, because we've gone through similar situations before (regarding other things about sex). He's not as confident as I am and I understand. And it's exactly like his example. Both agreed to jump in the lake and only one of them did.

 

I could barely sleep after what happened and I'm trying to cool off before talking to him. I believe it wasn't intentional, but it's still something that hurt me and I can't just close my eyes and pretend everything is okay. I will wait a bit more and then talk to him about it.

[Tayken]

I believe it wasn't intentional, but it's still something that hurt me and I can't just close my eyes and pretend everything is okay. I will wait a bit more and then talk to him about it.

 

There you go...you know him more than we will ever do, and only you can make the call in this sort of situation considering it was your idea and not his to cyber sex.

 

Word of advice though, you could have done this over the phone as opposed to a full blown cyber show, which in this day and age is very risky and can come back and bite you in the derriere' as you can't always be sure of the privacy of the web.

 

DO NOT DO SUCH THING AGAIN...period.

[Haerts]

Tayken, I know the consequences. By the way, we did it through skype on our phones.

 

Also, I just saw that he sent me 3 pictures of him completely naked and a big message apologizing. I told him that wasn't necessary at all and to be honest, it doesn't make me feel any more or less comfortable. I was not worried about him having the pictures or not, but rather his attitude.

 

I told him I'd call him later today. What he did shows that it wasn't intentional afterall and I do know how hard it was for him to take/send these pictures. We still need to talk though and see if we can get through this.

[losangelena]

Wishing you the best, Haerts. Whatever you decide to do.

 

(I'm in the "give him a chance" camp, btw).

[Haerts]

Thanks, losangelena and everyone who replied.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I dunno, I just think that somewhere behind all of this... are things which would be better understood if people had known four-hundred loving relationships... instead of four or fourteen of same.

 

When you have 400 relationships to draw on, you would truly average out all of your experiences, and be very near to truly *understanding* at the end of all that.

 

When you have, say, just four relationships behind you, then you over-emphasize, and over-correct, and anything that you ever experienced in company with another sticks with you more easily.

 

So what I'm saying/guessing, is that this person potentially had some experience somewhere either dealing directly with his being somehow wronged in tandem with internet photos/intimacy, or something about his upbringing found him making himself vulnerable and having been somehow wronged for having done just that.

 

 

The whole thing just doesn't sound like the path taken by healthy and confident male minds when given the same stimulus and opportunity.

 

 

And that wouldn't make him a bad person at all.

[Els]

Okay, first off, I do think your response was quite a bit of an overreaction. IMO it would've been okay for you to end the 'session' and put your clothes back on, tell him that he hurt you, and ask him why the hell he didn't tell you he was uncomfortable with stripping on cam BEFORE you did all that. But not okay to tell him to stay away from you and ignore all his calls after that.

 

Secondly, whose idea was it to do this? Was it your idea and he was just going along with it, as it seems to me? In that case it would have been understandable for him to do what he did, although I do agree he should've thought of it sooner. It's possible he agreed even though he felt uncomfortable and thought he could make himself do it, but when it came down to the crunch he found it harder than he imagined it would be. There is a lot of pressure on guys to be hypersexual horndogs who are completely comfortable with any conceivable heterosexual act. But that isn't always the case, nor should it be.

 

I agree that you should talk things through.

Edited December 28, 2014 by Elswyth