JBlackstone Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I'm about a month in to dating a really sweet guy in his early 20s and I am in my early 30s. I was very hesitant, still am, about dating a guy so much younger but alas here I am. I really like him and we have been getting along great. (We actually have known each other for over a year through work). He's the first guy I've dated since my ex, and even though my ex was older, new guy is so much more mature and stable. My problem is I can't turn off my worries. Such as is this a bad idea? Can I just enjoy it without future tripping? I know he wants to have kids but not anytime soon. I'm 31, realistically I don't have years and years to wait. It's so frustrating that guys don't have a biological clock to deal with! Anyone have any wisdom or experience to share?
Tayken Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 If I may...it's obvious that you are enjoying the attention being paid by the younger guy, but trust me when I say he is probably just getting off on banging an older woman, whilst telling his buddies about his conquest. Also dating someone from work will always be a bad idea.....remember the "don't crap where you work"? You will be better off finding someone close in age to you who is also ready to have kids soon. I'm about a month in to dating a really sweet guy in his early 20s and I am in my early 30s. I was very hesitant, still am, about dating a guy so much younger but alas here I am. I really like him and we have been getting along great. (We actually have known each other for over a year through work). He's the first guy I've dated since my ex, and even though my ex was older, new guy is so much more mature and stable. My problem is I can't turn off my worries. Such as is this a bad idea? Can I just enjoy it without future tripping? I know he wants to have kids but not anytime soon. I'm 31, realistically I don't have years and years to wait. It's so frustrating that guys don't have a biological clock to deal with! Anyone have any wisdom or experience to share? 1
jeffmeyers Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 If I may...it's obvious that you are enjoying the attention being paid by the younger guy, but trust me when I say he is probably just getting off on banging an older woman, whilst telling his buddies about his conquest. Also dating someone from work will always be a bad idea.....remember the "don't crap where you work"? You will be better off finding someone close in age to you who is also ready to have kids soon. in all fairness, it doesn't sound like she shared those worries with the boy. No serious talk about the future. I agree that the odds with this boy are not necessarily good, but we don't know his side of the story. Not all men are made from the same mold. I wasn't ready to have kids in my early 20's but if I had met a hot 30-year-old at that time, I probably would have gotten used to the idea of kids as the price of staying with her in the long term. Certainly, there would have been these talks... 2
mysteryscape Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 If I may...it's obvious that you are enjoying the attention being paid by the younger guy, but trust me when I say he is probably just getting off on banging an older woman, whilst telling his buddies about his conquest. . If I may ... 'none of this is obvious at all -- trust me (as a male who was in similar situations when he was much younger) when I say that there is no way of knowing his motivations, let alone what he is telling his buddies. 4
mysteryscape Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I know he wants to have kids but not anytime soon. I'm 31, realistically I don't have years and years to wait. The only thing that I would say you absolutely have to worry about, if your clock is really a worry to you, is the part I quoted above. Have you had a serious talk with him about this? At your age, if you really want kids, you don't have that much time to fool around with men of ANY age who aren't of the same mind as you. That doesn't have to rule out a guy who is much younger. It means you need to avoid men who are just going to be a waste of your time. Unless you are OK with wasting your time. 2
Author JBlackstone Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 If I may...it's obvious that you are enjoying the attention being paid by the younger guy, but trust me when I say he is probably just getting off on banging an older woman, whilst telling his buddies about his conquest. Also dating someone from work will always be a bad idea.....remember the "don't crap where you work"? You will be better off finding someone close in age to you who is also ready to have kids soon. Yes, I am enjoying the attention from him, BUT i would also enjoy the attention if he was my age or 10 years older. He's a guy who makes me laugh and we get along well so of course I will enjoy that. If it weren't for the age difference I would be 100% full speed ahead with this relationship. I don't know what he has told his friends but I do know that they know about me. I am meeting some of them on NYE. I also know that he's talked to his parents about me and on more than one occasion. If he was just interested in 'banging' me I don't think he would be discussing me with his parents over breakfast.
Author JBlackstone Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 in all fairness, it doesn't sound like she shared those worries with the boy. No serious talk about the future. I agree that the odds with this boy are not necessarily good, but we don't know his side of the story. Not all men are made from the same mold. I wasn't ready to have kids in my early 20's but if I had met a hot 30-year-old at that time, I probably would have gotten used to the idea of kids as the price of staying with her in the long term. Certainly, there would have been these talks... So I guess maybe my question should be WHEN to approach this topic? We have discussed marriage and kids but this was before we became a little more serious. I feel like if a woman was to bring that up one month into a relationship a guy would run!
Frank2thepoint Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 So I guess maybe my question should be WHEN to approach this topic? We have discussed marriage and kids but this was before we became a little more serious. I feel like if a woman was to bring that up one month into a relationship a guy would run! Yes one month is way too soon to be discussing something as having kids. If you are comfortable, wait a few months into the relationship to broach the topic. Don't just ask "I want to have kids ASAP. When will you be ready?". You can ask what his idea is about kids and when he sees himself having them. 1
coolheadal Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 What's the rush. You can have kids in your 40's. He'll be in his 30's. He's too young to get into kids now when he's not even 21 yet. Let things work themselves out don't rush things. 1
Author JBlackstone Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 What's the rush. You can have kids in your 40's. He'll be in his 30's. He's too young to get into kids now when he's not even 21 yet. Let things work themselves out don't rush things. He's older than 21, I think I wrote early 20s... let's not get too carried away haha
coolheadal Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 He's older than 21, I think I wrote early 20s... let's not get too carried away haha You said 20s even if he was 21, 22, 23, 24 an etc. Guys at this age is still finding out who they're are. When he reaches 30 then they finally want to settle down. But again your'll be in your 40s then. Again you have to see how things develop? 1
aggie382 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I don't think this age difference at this time in his life will work. If you were each 10 years older, it would be a completely different ball game.
Tayken Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 You said 20s even if he was 21, 22, 23, 24 an etc. Guys at this age is still finding out who they're are. When he reaches 30 then they finally want to settle down. But again your'll be in your 40s then. Again you have to see how things develop? Very true...but people don't want to hear this side of things. Apparently he is funny and makes her feel good. His he father material when he is barely out of diapers himself, and does he have a solid foundation career wise to be able to provide for a kid/family?
gaius Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Not every early 20 something is the same, just like not every 30 something is the same, so despite all the generalizations I'd say there's just as much chance it works out long term as if he was your age. 2
preraph Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 You don't ask him about having kids with you. You just ask him what his goals are for the future. You'll scare him to death otherwise. I dated some 20s in my 30s. Young guys always liked me. Ended up friends with some of them. My favorite, he always had a "real" girlfriend (more than one over the years) but was just crazy about me. We would kiss around but not have sex (until years later and then it was an isolated incident). I just adored him, but I knew he was never going to make me the "real" girlfriend because he had his normal side and wanted a family someday. I was the side dish. He used to just confound me, though, with feeling it was okay to make out with me periodically throughout his other relationships. He felt as long as he didn't do the deed, he was technically innocent enough that he could live with himself, I guess. He wrote songs about me and sometimes we stayed on the phone talking until the wee hours. He'd drop by sometimes and wouldn't leave even if I had a man sleeping in the next room, until he'd gotten his visit out. Because we really had a great time talking. When he got married, he didn't tell me! I found out from a mutual friend. I had just made out with him within two months before when he got married. And I guess he wasn't planning on telling me or he would have. I couldn't believe he did that and was mad. I went to see him play and he was all over me, hugging, kissing, and his wife showed up later while they were playing, and I just somehow knew that was her and introduced myself and we basically liked each other. And they asked me to breakfast with them, but I wasn't about to. I was feeling spiteful, so when my girlfriend invited me to leave with two of his bandmates to go hang out, I did. We were going up the stairs, and he stood at the foot of the stairs (club was a basement) calling my name as I left. I know it was childish, but jeez, what a weird situation young guys can put you in sometimes. I ran into him some after that and we just never really stopped being friendly and affectionate, though I never saw him at all in private after he married. The other issue that might arise with younger guys is if you are successful and they are still doing something appropriate for their age, i.e., not making much money. That can make them uncomfortable. They want to be impressive, you know. Hurts their pride. The younger guys who remained friendly with me the longest were the ones who were not struggling financially, either because they had a decent job or were military or whatever. So money is an issue. I don't regret any of my younger male friends or dalliances, but unless you have one that seems mature beyond his years, responsible, settled down personality type, you shouldn't start thinking it's going to take you into a marriage or long-term exclusivity. Even if they didn't care, there's so much pressure from family to date closer to their age and be sure they can have babies, etc., that most guys will cave to it. But it can be fun and it doesn't have to be heartbreaking if you enjoy it for what it is. 2
angel.eyes Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 It's a problem if you're at different stages in life or want different things out of dating. You've provided information on neither, so it's hard to give you advice relevant to your specific situation. In the vast majority of cases, it doesn't work, but it did for my parents. There are exceptions to every rule and every generalization. The devil is in the details. 1
stillafool Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 First of all he is in his 20s so he isn't a boy but a man. There are plenty of people who have a 10 year age difference and are married and happy. If neither of you want kids it really doesn't matter. I wouldn't be thinking so far in the future since you just met this guy. Just have fun and enjoy him. 2
Weezy1973 Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 First, it's only been a month. I don't even start thinking seriously until about three months, and I wouldn't even think about marriage until at least 6 months and more likely a year. In other words, relax. Enjoy what this is now. If it's a good match, you'll find things to be really easy and relaxed as time goes on. For what it's worth though, older woman / younger man tends to be the least stable in terms of relationships lasting for the long term. Just a trend though - every relationship should be taken separately... 1
Noproblem Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 You do have years and years to wait you can date a guy who is 36 and you still can break up with him or you can live with him for 2 years and then he might leave you I mean there is no gaurantees Don't let age stand between you two You might regret that later on life your only option is just TRY 2
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