HurtGator Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Why do I still care? It's been 7 weeks or so now and been in NC. However it is so painful knowing she's moved on and started a relationship with someone two days after breakup. During the two years of our relationship, we did everything together and I tried to be the best person and bf I could be for her. I did as much I possible could for her but it wasn't enough. I'm not sure I could get over this. I gave her everything I could thinking she was completely committed to the relationship and lead me to believe that we were perfect for each other and we were undoubtedly on a path to would lead to marriage.
welshbambi Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I am in the same situation, although my relationship wasn't as long. I think we see what we want to see, as awful as that sounds. The more I contemplate my own actions, the more I see that although it might not have been totally one sided, I have to accept that I had the rose tinted specs on for a lot of it. Looking back there were red flags I should have properly acknowledged and not just ignored. I might have saved myself some heartache now if I had. I am not saying this is the case with you, but I am realising that it is not so much the person I am missing as how I felt whilst in the relationship. I felt I was loved, I felt physically attractive, I was always available for anything he needed to a point that meant I was making all the sacrifice and calling it love. Ask yourself if you miss how you felt, rather than the person? It's very difficult to separate but once you do, it does make your suffering change and more bearable. Because you are not looking for or missing a person, you are looking for a feeling. 3
tampa1213 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 i understand how you feel, its been about 4 weeks since the break up and my ex cheated on me with someone he only knew for 5 days, now they are together and all they can post on Facebook that they are "in love" they are talking about moving in with each other with her and her daughter. it's all so crazy to me how i feel like i'm completely replaced, like i never mattered. but i just keep reminding myself that my ex might have been my best friend but he was also a very selfish and a manipulative man, that always put himself before everything. i would do anything to make him happy and he knew that and used it against me. so i just keep reminding myself of the bad and just keep telling myself that this is her problem now. they may seem like they are "happy" but thats because they don't even know each other and right now everyone is "trying" to be something they are not because everything is so bubbly in the beginning but once they start seeing each others true colors they might not like the person they left us for. i just keep telling myself that once that happens i just want to tell myself to never go back to that place with him. 2
Author HurtGator Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 I am in the same situation, although my relationship wasn't as long. I think we see what we want to see, as awful as that sounds. The more I contemplate my own actions, the more I see that although it might not have been totally one sided, I have to accept that I had the rose tinted specs on for a lot of it. Looking back there were red flags I should have properly acknowledged and not just ignored. I might have saved myself some heartache now if I had. I am not saying this is the case with you, but I am realising that it is not so much the person I am missing as how I felt whilst in the relationship. I felt I was loved, I felt physically attractive, I was always available for anything he needed to a point that meant I was making all the sacrifice and calling it love. Ask yourself if you miss how you felt, rather than the person? It's very difficult to separate but once you do, it does make your suffering change and more bearable. Because you are not looking for or missing a person, you are looking for a feeling. I have thought about the answer to this question and I can safely say I actually miss the person a lot. But not only the person, her family as well. We were so compatible on every angle. Sure we had our fights and misunderstandings. She complained that I worked late sometimes, she complained that I didn't take her out to dinner enough, etc. We didn't really have any big issues really and we only fought over stupid things. I have tried to be as much of a gentleman to her as much as I can by opening all doors (even when she was driving I opened her car door), walked on the inside of the sidewalk, always let her walk in front of me, etc. From her perspective, it seemed like I never did enough for her. The more I did, the more she expected. It was very strange actually. Then a month before breakup, I noticed she started getting close to another guy. I asked her about him and she said he was just a good friend. And to my surprise (sarcasm) he's the one she started dating two days later. When she broke up with me, she told me I did nothing wrong and that her feelings just changed.
Author HurtGator Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 i understand how you feel, its been about 4 weeks since the break up and my ex cheated on me with someone he only knew for 5 days, now they are together and all they can post on Facebook that they are "in love" they are talking about moving in with each other with her and her daughter. it's all so crazy to me how i feel like i'm completely replaced, like i never mattered. but i just keep reminding myself that my ex might have been my best friend but he was also a very selfish and a manipulative man, that always put himself before everything. i would do anything to make him happy and he knew that and used it against me. so i just keep reminding myself of the bad and just keep telling myself that this is her problem now. they may seem like they are "happy" but thats because they don't even know each other and right now everyone is "trying" to be something they are not because everything is so bubbly in the beginning but once they start seeing each others true colors they might not like the person they left us for. i just keep telling myself that once that happens i just want to tell myself to never go back to that place with him. When I think back, my exgf has been trying to manipulate me into doing things as well. But I never really caved in to the manipulations. There has to be good people for us out there. 1
Light Breeze Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I start wondering now. Do they leave because men are too "nice"? The more I read the more I see men devoted to their women suddenly being left by the latter. Apparently, women lose their respect for good guys because they see them as servants rather than partners. Now, the million dollar question is how "nice" should we actually be? To be able to know the boundaries would be a great thing. Guess, I'll read more on this stuff.
Author HurtGator Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 I start wondering now. Do they leave because men are too "nice"? The more I read the more I see men devoted to their women suddenly being left by the latter. Apparently, women lose their respect for good guys because they see them as servants rather than partners. Now, the million dollar question is how "nice" should we actually be? To be able to know the boundaries would be a great thing. Guess, I'll read more on this stuff. I think a combination of a few things in series happen for this result to manifest itself. 1) You meet for the first time, you are head over heels in love with each other 2) You start doing everything together and for each other 3) Everything you do is new so the excitement continues for a long period of time 4) 1.5 to 2 years later, things start to get repetitive. She starts losing the honeymoon feelings. 5) She starts complaining that you're not doing enough to keep her happy. 6) You probably wonder why all of a sudden she needs more done for her when you guys were perfectly happy during the LTR. 7) She starts getting interested in another guy that she confines in and talks about your relationship to him. 8) He starts telling her what she wants to hear by validating what she's saying and telling her how whatever it is she wants is how he's always treated all his gfs. 9) At this point she's already emotionally cheating on you and she's planning how to break up with you and move on to this guy that will "treat her the way she deserves to be treated" 10) She breaks up with you 11) She tells the new guy she broke up with you and they start their relationship immediately. I think if you were not as nice in the relationship, it would have ended earlier because the gifts and services you were providing her is what probably prolonged the relationship a bit longer. I think when you have a gf whose mind is so easily malleable, there really isn't anything you can do about it. If it wasn't that guy, it would have been someone else. And if it wasn't now, it would have been later. But to answer your question, be yourself. I think those how "nice" questions apply when you first meet someone so you could be a challenge to them. Once you get into the relationship, just be yourself because you could only "fake" it for so long. 1
Satu Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I am in the same situation, although my relationship wasn't as long. I think we see what we want to see, as awful as that sounds. The more I contemplate my own actions, the more I see that although it might not have been totally one sided, I have to accept that I had the rose tinted specs on for a lot of it. Looking back there were red flags I should have properly acknowledged and not just ignored. I might have saved myself some heartache now if I had. I am not saying this is the case with you, but I am realising that it is not so much the person I am missing as how I felt whilst in the relationship. I felt I was loved, I felt physically attractive, I was always available for anything he needed to a point that meant I was making all the sacrifice and calling it love. Ask yourself if you miss how you felt, rather than the person? It's very difficult to separate but once you do, it does make your suffering change and more bearable. Because you are not looking for or missing a person, you are looking for a feeling. From my diary: "We see what we see because of who we are." "What is seen depends on who is looking, why they are looking, and what they are looking for." 1
Satu Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I have thought about the answer to this question and I can safely say I actually miss the person a lot. But not only the person, her family as well. We were so compatible on every angle. Sure we had our fights and misunderstandings. She complained that I worked late sometimes, she complained that I didn't take her out to dinner enough, etc. We didn't really have any big issues really and we only fought over stupid things. I have tried to be as much of a gentleman to her as much as I can by opening all doors (even when she was driving I opened her car door), walked on the inside of the sidewalk, always let her walk in front of me, etc. From her perspective, it seemed like I never did enough for her. The more I did, the more she expected. It was very strange actually. Then a month before breakup, I noticed she started getting close to another guy. I asked her about him and she said he was just a good friend. And to my surprise (sarcasm) he's the one she started dating two days later. When she broke up with me, she told me I did nothing wrong and that her feelings just changed. "For the person for whom nothing is every enough, nothing is ever enough."
Author HurtGator Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 I actually thought I would be in a much better emotional state by now but I have not gotten better at all. I keep telling myself that I got cheated on, used, betrayed, taken for granted, left for someone else, etc but I still can't shake it off. Even though I did so much for her I was very happy around her and her family. When will this pain go away?
KBarletta Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I keep telling myself that I got cheated on, used, betrayed, taken for granted, left for someone else, etc but I still can't shake it off. Even though I did so much for her I was very happy around her and her family. When will this pain go away? There's no timetable, but just try to constantly remind yourself of your own worth. She considered you disposable and didn't value you for what you are worth. You don't want to be with someone who would lie, cheat and toss you aside, right? You deserve better, keep telling yourself that.
KBarletta Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Hurt, Here's a quote from a Neil Simon play that I keep telling myself. Repeat it when you think of your ex. "I am wonderful, I'm nuts about me, and if you're stupid enough to throw someone sensational like me aside, you don't deserve as good as you've got."
Author HurtGator Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 I have been trying that. But she's with another guy. Apparently she's the one who thinks I'm not worth being with.
KBarletta Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I have been trying that. But she's with another guy. Apparently she's the one who thinks I'm not worth being with. So she's selfish and careless with other people's feelings. You're better off without that kind of person in your life. 1
dumbass2 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I have been trying that. But she's with another guy. Apparently she's the one who thinks I'm not worth being with. Keep telling this to yourself. Write down in big letters and post it on your door or in your bathroom on the mirror. SHE'S WITH ANOTHER GUY!!!!! It's not that you're not worth being with, she is just not the right one for you after all. You thought one thing and she thought another. You had some great times together and both got a lot out of it. It just didn't work for the long term. You will find someone else and you will take that chance again because relationships can be fantastic, but they come with a warning label and they take a lot of work to make things last. Reflect back with time away and look at yourself and see if there are areas that you can improve in and be a better partner for your next relationship.
Author HurtGator Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 Keep telling this to yourself. Write down in big letters and post it on your door or in your bathroom on the mirror. SHE'S WITH ANOTHER GUY!!!!! It's not that you're not worth being with, she is just not the right one for you after all. You thought one thing and she thought another. You had some great times together and both got a lot out of it. It just didn't work for the long term. You will find someone else and you will take that chance again because relationships can be fantastic, but they come with a warning label and they take a lot of work to make things last. Reflect back with time away and look at yourself and see if there are areas that you can improve in and be a better partner for your next relationship. That's the thing, for the two years, all she kept telling me is that we are made for each other and how we are going to marry. Like I said in a previous post in this thread, she's the one that was 110% committed to our future. But at the end just flipped to another guy. I can understand if we were dating casually and we realized that after this long, we never had the sparks or never really felt comfortable about getting married... then she decided to break up. I'd be ok with that. But she (and I) took the relationship to some really high level where the families were involved in each other's lives. She went from 0 to 60 and sustained it for two years and then went down to 0 in no time and is now with someone else. The two years seems fake now.
Author HurtGator Posted December 27, 2014 Author Posted December 27, 2014 It feels like I have been conned by one of those Nigerian Internet Scams for two years!
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