Jayrok Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 Okay to start off this is my first post on here. I've been reading multiple stories of long love, short lived expectations, and even reconciliation. I've tried grasping and comparing similar events, but ultimately everyone's experiences are different. So I'm posting this freely just trying to cope with what's happened and hopes that maybe someone, somewhere has been caught off-guard, and blind-sided as I have been. Apologies in advance if the story seems long, but I'm pouring my soul into this. Anyone who reads it I thank you for your time and effort. First off, a little about me. My history with my past girlfriends I'll try to keep at a minimum, but I will share just to show what I have been through. First girl I was with I dated at a fairly young age. 14-15 years old. We dated for about a year and a half. She was my first everything except for vaginal sex. It ended because her mom found out what we were doing and got a restraining order placed on me. Haha I guess that's one way to slow things down! My second relationship began with a girl, which my first girlfriend HATED. High school drama I know. We actually lasted a good while. 3 and a half years and we broke up right after graduation. We were volatile. She was physically abusive, I was verbally. She cheated on me several times, including with my brother. It was a big mess. No qualms with that one ending. I met a couple girls afterwards, just short lived relationships that didn't mean much. Then I met who I thought was gonna be "the one." We clicked on most levels, and had a very strong, passionate relationship. Long story short she left me and went back to her abusive ex boyfriend. GO figure! So I was done for awhile. Dated around with 3 more women that didn't mean much to me. Still tried to make things work even with them over the next couple years but I knew in my heart that they would end fairly quickly. Fast forward to the present. I met this girl and WOW did she blow me away. She's funny, smart, passionate, honest, hopeless romantic, and gorgeous to boot etc.. When I say a perfect match, I mean it. Everything was mutual with her from the get go, and I can honestly say that, from the past I've had. I've learned a lot about myself and what I'm looking for in a relationship and my lover. Before we got together I was perfectly okay being single and where my life was headed. I knew what I wanted for my future and felt completely okay being alone. Then she comes along. I knew that she had a boyfriend of about a year and a half. But I also knew (from mutual friends) that she wasn't happy with him and had been wanting to end it for about 6 months. (Sorry guy) So we started talking as friends like we had been for a month or so. She gave me her number and then we started talking on a daily basis. One night she expressed, with body language, and certain looks, that she may be interested in me, and began talking about her problems. I told her ultimately it's her decision and it was none of my business. Well I backed up after that then bam she breaks it off with him. We started talking some more and hung out. Just small talk but it lasted till 6 o'clock in the morning. I never knew I could have a conversation with a girl for almost 12 hours and not get bored! So she expressed that she had feelings for me and had them for quite some time. I told her I felt the exact same way, which was the honest to god truth. I also told her that if we do do this that I could see myself falling for her very fast, very hard. She agreed and said that she was thinking the same exact thing. I also said that I had been through a lot in the past and said I didn't want to set us up for failure so we should take things slow. Here's where the screw up happened. We didn't... We began seeing each other all the time, buying each other gifts, non-stop smiling, holding each other to keep each other warm, making dinner for one another, just the small things that make every relationship a good one. After some more talking and bonding, she told me that she adored me, and that I was perfect in every way, but we should slow things down. I agreed and I didn't even feel bad about it! She was being honest with herself and I fully understood. I told her I was only ever going to treat her like she deserved to be treated. (She had some bad past relationships too) We shared all that with one another, nothing ever held back. By now all red flags that I had about her ceased because she was just so upfront about everything. One night about a week later after again things didn't exactly slow down, I expressed what we had talked about and shared my feelings. I said that things are absolutely perfect, and honestly I feel as though you're the best thing that's happened to me, but I want you to have time to yourself, and your friends. She said the feeling is mutual. I told her I was never going to change on her so don't be afraid to ever share anything with me. She came back with, what you see is what you get, and I'm not going anywhere. You're the best! All this I'm telling takes place all in a matter of 2-3 months and I'm sure I'm leaving some stuff out but I'm saying the highlights. Nothing was ever bad, this is why I'm so confused and hurt. By the way before anyone mentions the sex, I'm telling you, hands down, she was amazing and I know for a fact I was too. Everytime we'd make love it would last for awhile with the exception of like twice lol. Just incredibly passionate and intense to where neither one of us could walk really, and she even said I was the best she's ever had on multiple occasions. I never asked she just told me. Anyway, she flat-out told me at one point, and even told her ex this when he begged her to come back. She felt bad for him because she was 100% sure of her decision to get with me, and had no regrets about it. She told him to move on with his life and do what he needs to do to move on but she was done and found someone that actually was what she was looking for. That happened a few weeks ago and she told me about it saying that I should know. She showed me the texts and everything. Well we were getting closer everyday. I never introduce women to my family but I was so sure about her, I let everything go. She spent thanksgiving with me and my family and we all were bonding getting closer. My mom and grandma both instantly felt like, "Wow my son's really done it this time." My whole family was so happy for me. When I met her family it was the exact same thing. I instantly felt a connection with them like I was home. I spent the night there all the time and her father didn't even care! He liked me a ton and one night when he was drunk he even said, "you're already a part of my family. I know you're good for my daughter." By the way, her ex was not allowed anywhere near the family. They hated all of her ex's but especially her latest one. Her whole family was talking about "our" future haha. There's no feeling to replace how incredible it is to feel so accepted and loved by everyone so fast. We were buying each other's family Christmas gifts and just bonding like any good relationship should. We talked about it but we never slowed down. We blamed it on having such a strong connection to one another that shouldn't be held back. Actually she was the one that said that just fyi. I agreed of course, but being hurt before, I should've been the wiser and slowed things down. Sometimes when you're in it, you just can't help your emotions though. So now things are at their peak. I had met some of her friends and they all approved, her family loves me, my family loved her, my friends that met her said "dude she's the one man. You did great this time." This was a little over a week ago, the same night her dad was all drunk and said that I was part of the family, I was going to tuck her in for the night, she said she loved me and goodnight. Right after that she grabbed her mouth because she realized what she had said. She was shocked and so was I. I asked her if she meant it, and with a huge smile, she said, "yes of course I did. I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it." I held her tight as I possibly could, so happy that we had broken down that wall. After kissing each other all over and with a huge smile I said, I love you too and I never want this to end. Mind you we've only been together for about 2 months at this point but only "officially" for a month. She even said it was official from day one for her. I told her it was the same for me. So after having yet another amazing moment, in front of her family even, I tucked her in, kissed her on the head, and said I'll always be here for you and I know you know that. She smiled and said Goodnight baby, I'll see you tomorrow. Everything was perfect! I was so happy thanking god everyday that I had finally met this girl, and all the pain I went through before was so I could mold into the perfect guy for her and her for me. I actually said that to her too haha. She said it's fate and karma finally paid off. So sorry this is a long story. I'm just reminiscing on everything trying to give as much detail for everyone to digest because honestly, I'm lost as to what the hell happened. So everything is fine after that night. I mentioned it to her the next night that I appreciated it and I meant what I said. She agreed and we also agreed that we shouldn't say it all the time because then it becomes habitual and less meaningful. We went out Christmas shopping together picking out each others gifts and each others families. Blew at least $600 on gifts for her and she did the same. Then came Saturday 12/20/2014. She had spent the day with herself which I was cool with. She had presents to wrap and we definitely could use the time apart. I did miss her when she wasn't around though because I liked the time we spent together, which she also told me that too by the way. Everything was fine she called me and said hey my family is stopping by work baby if you want to come say hi. I said okay I'll try baby doll but I'm real busy at the moment. 2 Hours later I met her outside of work and she said we needed to talk. We rushed into this and I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm sorry this is going to hurt you but it's for the best. I need to be alone and figure out what I'm doing with my life and I just know I'm not ready for this at all. I asked her what the hell changed in her heart, she said I don't know, I just know I'm not ready. I didn't try to reconcile it because I know that in turn just pushes them farther away. I just explained my feelings to her and said that if this is what she needed to figure out whatever is going on in her heart then she needs to do it. I respected her decision as I always did, and told her that I was just going to always be the guy she needs me to be and I support you. I also said that everything I said I meant and I hope when she does figure it out, she'll let me know if she wants to get back together. She said "I will, I don't know what the future holds for me, but I just know I need to be by myself right now." I said I understood and hope she figures it out and that she's special to me. That I know it was short term but I really felt a connection. She agreed and said that she does too but she needs to push that in the back of her mind for now and focus on herself. She just got out of a long term relationship and isn't ready to do that again. She said she was sorry but when she said she loved me it scared the hell out of her and she's not ready to do that again. 3 days before my birthday and right before Christmas. With all the gifts and plans we made with family, even talking about the future, just to have a sudden change of heart like that. I don't think it's a coincidence. She got scared and ran before she really gave this a chance to blossom into a positive future. She even brought up kids to me!! Like wtf... We were mutual even at the break up even though I was screaming on the inside. I sucked it up and met her in the middle. I said that absence makes the heart grow fonder and if you love something you let it go. If it comes back its yours to keep forever. Now I'm sitting here, sharing my sob story because, honestly, this hit me harder then any of my past relationships. I guess because this time I felt it was different right until I was blindsided by a fist of reality. Like we even took care of each other when we both got sick a couple weeks back. Little care packages, water, food, medicine, waiting on each other hand and foot. This to me seems so sudden and she showed no signs of it until after she dropped the big ILU. I leave you with one more apology for length and a couple questions. 1.) Will she come to some epiphany like "wow I really ****ed up and I don't want to lose this guy" or have my chances just been blown away because I let her go so easy? 2.) Does family have any influence on how a girl feels towards a guy? Being that her family loves me, but also supports her decision. 3.) I know it was short lived but honestly how long does it take to know if the "one" is it or not? I mean it seemingly was there mutually from the get go until it ended. 4.) Obviously there's some underlying issue within her that made her think differently about the situation but why did it suddenly change and her not try to mend the relationship by taking it slower? 5.) Is there any chance she may reconcile simply based on how well we fit together? I.E. Family, friends etc.. 6.) LC or NC? Should I try to remain friends with her and see what happens later down the road when things have cooled off? Like a month or two. She sent me a text on my birthday late at night saying, "Hey, I'm sorry it's late, but I just wanted to let you know happy birthday! I hope you enjoyed your day." I simply replied back with a Thank You and that's all. I'd really like female stand points on this. Have any of you ever been with the guy of you dreams and got scared? If you have, how long did it take you to realize you made a mistake and tried again? She's very stern when she makes a decision like this. Begging never gets anywhere but deeper in the hole. So I chose to be supportive and back off completely. I'm ****ing lost and it's Christmas. I honestly don't even care about Christmas or my birthday or any of it. I'm still letting her keep the presents she has under her tree even though she took mine back, and I'm still giving her family theirs but only when she's not around. I still care about them and her just as much even though we broke up, so why would I not? She said she didn't want to look at the presents she got me so she took them back. Like discarding me out of her life so she doesn't feel guilty. I told her it's just material **** and I didn't care about the presents. I'm not desperate per-say but more empty at the moment. I'm okay with being alone but not if I have a shot at turning this around. As I said this felt so different... I've always been able to push passed and let go of my LTR so much easier but with this one **** I'm lost. Thanks For Reading... :/
EgoJoe Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 How old are you two? When did you first start seeing each other? Were you certain that she broke up with him before you two were seeing each other?
HurtGator Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 Man, I've posted my story on here and it sounds extremely similar to yours: the families gatherings, the holidays, both of our families love us together, we were extremely happy together, we were always around each other, marriage, engagement, rings, house, children, blah blah blah. The difference is, my relationship lasted like this for two years and she ended up leaving me for someone else. I would go NC with your exgf. Return all the gifts you bought and don't hold on to the gifts hoping to reconcile later to give them to her. If you do get back together and she wonders about the gifts, tell her you returned them. If she gets upset about it, then she needs to learn that actions have consequences. 1
welshbambi Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 Oh dude I totally feel for you. This sounds like what I had with my recent ex and now he is like someone I don't know. It absolutely sucks and I wish I had a magic wand for all of us to make it go away! 1) I have been wondering the same for myself - in reality though, it's unlikely. And even if she did come back saying she made a mistake, you would forever be wondering if she would do that again. No matter how much you talked about it, the fact you had trusted her words about the future she saw for you and then walked away from that so suddenly will mean that you will never, ever be able to completely believe anything as pure truth again. No one wants to live like that - trust me, I;ve been there and it eats away at you. 2) Sometimes family does, but without knowing your ex I can't say if that was a factor. All I do know is if a family is able to influence your partner so much then they would have done it on several other things in the future. Life decisions should be made between the people in the relationship based on what is best for them, so interfering in laws would have put a strain on things. 3) I thought my guy was the one the minute I kissed him and held him in my arms (about 30 seconds into our first date). I think he was The One for me, but I was not for him. It's kills my heart but that is the only thing I can think of. 4) No one can answer that, possibly not even her. But you sound exactly like me and I am SO PROUD of you for keeping your dignity and not begging for her to come back. I know all to well that at times you don't care how pathetic you look, you would do anything and risk anything to get them back. Focus right now on accepting that you won't get any clear answers, ever. Leave "getting over her" to a later date. 5)Never say never but you cannot waste your time waiting without waiting. This is something I am really battling with, and I am doing it in stages. I am NC at the moment, but there is still his stuff at my apartment (he will definitely need it back because it;s kit for a hobby). I have not mentioned it because right now my head is at the point of making sure he doesn't just get to go away scott free. He has been a complete coward about our break up so I didn't want to make it easy for him when I ran round after him too much in our relationship as it was. My goal though, is to get to a point where I am indifferent and can just let his friends and family know it needs collecting and ASAP. 6) NC NC NC. Every bit of contact you make that is unreturned makes you look unhinged and desperate. Every bit that might be returned gives you false hope for reconciliation - which we have already established would never be the same as before. Your heart is broken but you still have your dignity. CLING to that like a mothertrucker because no one can take that from you. Believe me, I know how rubbish you feel right now. You feel cheated of something you felt was perfect and there is no clear solution to the issue. I feel exactly the same. I am allowing myself to hurt but I am also leaving it up to fate. I cannot, and neither can you, influence the thoughts and actions of another person. You could beg and plead and yes, she may come back to you. But you wouldn't know for how long. If you go NC, then if she does come back (and I don't just mean getting in touch, properly asking to be back in your life) you know it is because she wants it, not because you said enough for now. Do you get me? I know it's not what you want to hear, but this is where I am right now. I am a big believer in fate - I ended a relationship of 7 years in March this year. 3 weeks later, by a complete twist of fate and totally unexpectedly, I met the guy I thought was my soulmate. 9 months on and I'm alone again but totally heartbroken and crushed. But I also remind myself how quickly things can change from bad to good as well as the other way around, so I am just concentrating on being good to myself, showing myself some respect and treating MYSELF the way I deserve. It is harder than it sounds but it can be done. Hang in there dude and I am here if you need to talk OK?
Author Jayrok Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 Thanks all for the replies! Daylight: I thought about that too, and even mentioned it before I got involved with her. The only thing that leads me to believe that I wouldn't be the rebound is all the family involvement and social events. Just all the mutual understandings of each other also makes me feel like rebound isn't exactly it. I could be in some denial too, though I have been the rebound before in a couple of past instances. I picked up on it right from the get go and never got attached. Joe: I am 26 and she is 21. I've been through about 11 relationships and 6 of them were 1 year or more, the longest being 3 and a half. We started talking around the end of October and I refused to take it any farther than friendship until she broke up with her bf. In fact she did too. She knew she didn't want to be with him but she never hinted at getting with me until she broke it off. There was never any cheating, well at least, none that could be seen. She may have been getting emotionally involved with me before she ended it with him sure, but none that was readable until after the fact. I'm also 100% certain she broke up with him before she started seeing me. She showed me everything and never hid a thing from me right from the get go. Yet another reason why I honestly did not fear it ever ending because we were both so honest with each other. Gator: Damn man. I'm lost after just a couple months. It's crazy how much bonding you can do, feel like you and your relationship are invincible and then all of a sudden, it's stripped away from you like you were nothing at all to them. She probably went completely cold about it too right? Cold shoulder, no emotion being shown. Honestly it's a little psychotic. She probably pushed that **** down because she didn't want to feel guilt and acted like it's the best decision. When the **** hits the fan and she's left alone by some douchebag she left you for, she'll be the one picking up the pieces of herself, while you're off with your new girl in the bahamas or something. If she did come back to you though, especially after a 2 year relationship, I wouldn't take her back right away. She'd need to be alone to think about what she did because what would stop her from using you again? Best of luck to you with that and I'm really sorry to hear it. Honestly I'm real sick of seeing a lot of decent guys and gals getting the shaft. (myself included) You know I'm not getting any younger. I'm 26 and I'm ready to just find someone to settle down with and start my family. Most of my buddies all have wives and kids running around and it sucks because I feel stuck in 5 years ago. I finally felt like I met someone who was worth a damn and we clicked on all levels. Then as quick as I could snap my fingers it was over. That's how quick her emotions towards me changed. In fact... 2 hours before she ended it she called me baby... I think I said that in my bible story.. Anyways, yeah I'm definitely going NC for the forseeable future, then very LC. Bambi: Thank god for some female input here! I always love hearing from both. I don't have a ton of female friends and most of my guy friends say the same things unless they're married. I too wish I had the magic wand and honestly I really ****ing hate the games we play on each other. You know this time, I really didn't expect any mind ****s. Not from her. She was true and genuine at the start and honestly she was in the end too in a way. I mean she was still honest with me. Maybe that's why I didn't get mad and just told her that I really cared about her and what I said I meant (meaning the ILU). Also I was very understanding that she needs her time and space to do whatever it is she needs to do in her heart, but I left the door open for a future if she wanted it. She also did mention that she meant what she said too and she really likes me and cares about me but she doesn't know what the future holds, and wants me to do me. Thus she's leaving my options open for choice. Sitting around doing NC-LC in hopes of some reconciliation down the road, or dropping her like a bad habit as I did with all the others and moving on quicker than I snap my fingers. I know it's confusing as hell. I feel if I make either of the choices I'm setting up for massive disappointment in some way. If I wait around I'm weak, but if I jump around then I didn't care at all ya know? Neither is the case but there's always gotta be some agenda or mind game to play, and I hate playing them. I'm fine with being alone but everytime I think about her, her family, or how amazing the last 2 months of my life has been it drives me banana sandwich!! About the first question you answered though, I really feel as though I could trust her. Even though I've been blind sided, she was still honest with me about everything. I know for DAMN sure I'd take it 10000x slower though. I also wouldn't show as much emotion to her right away. The second question I probably could have worded better. Her family definitely loves me and I'm sure they would ask about me after some time passes. I was just wondering if they care as much as they do, would they ever try to say...plant the seed in her head to not miss out on a shot with a guy who actually gives a damn about her? Actually I know they would. They support her obviously and her decision making as she's an adult but I know they'll miss me too. The third question was the nail on the head for me too Bambi. It was almost instantaneous transition from happy/single to cant live without her. The way she fell and felt in my arms, the warmth of her breath on my neck, her scent, the way her hand felt on mine. Literally EVERYTHING about her was like a missing puzzle piece to my life. None of my 11 exes or one night stands could even be a blip on that radar. The fourth question about her underlying issues. Really the best I can come up with is this. All this mushy stuff I've been talking about was most certainly mutual throughout most of the relationship. The moment of transition I truly believe is when she told me she loved me. I didn't say it first so I can't be blamed for that. I truly believe it scared the ever-living **** out of her. Being young, naive, and really kind of selfish. She knows I would've NEVER dictated anything in her life nor tied her down from studies or friends. That's where I'm hurt because its almost like she subconsciously compared me to every ex bf she said ILU to and broke it off because of her own irrationality. I believe her underlying issues is her past is still haunting her and she's not over it. Plain cold hard truth. Even though we said to each other "the past is the past." I meant it! Maybe its because I'm older and I've already let go of all that? I don't like it at all because now I'm put on the backburner while shes trying to come to some epiphany about her life and future. Honestly she just needs to come to the conclusion that she's okay being alone but that her life was better with me in it. That's only chance I will ever have at getting her back. That also kind of blended question 5 in there. I hear ya though about having things of his around. I gave her most of her stuff back the other day. I still need my razor and cologne, toothbrush etc. You should never feel like your chasing constantly though. Thats ****ed up and completely one sided. You should never have to try that hard. One of my first ex's I chased and chased and chased and all she did was pull back and eventually get back with her abusive ex bf... I know I won't get any clear answers. I have so much going on in my head as to why but honestly, I don't feel any resentment towards her.. Is that weird? I almost feel like fate will play a role in this and I'm gonna be fine.. I know it sounds stupid but I just don't see this being over permanently. Not after how good she was treated and she knows it too. I really feel like deep down it will work out in the end. I don't feel a false hope nor have I lost any dignity or showed weakness toward her. Only been the supportive understanding gentleman I was from the start. Honesty, integrity, and just being down to earth will win this in the end I believe. I think the same could be said for you. I love the whole fate thing you spilled because honestly, I feel that way too. When I found her, I was not looking at all. I was perfectly okay with being single and knew exactly where I was going in life. Still do for that matter. She just needs to come to the conclusion herself that she's gonna be the one I'm holding while my kids run around the yard 10 years from now. I think that's the ultimate problem is no one knows where the future will take us. Hell I may even die tomorrow? I don't know. I know if I do have a long life to live, I definitely want that girl I spend it with to be everything I'd hoped for just like her. I know it's too early to tell for all this. It was only 5 days ago but the more I write about this and the more I talk to people, even strangers such as yourselves, the more I come to the realization that I know it's nothing I did wrong. She just needs space, time, and support from her inner voice before she can move forward with her life. True love conquers all, and that is all I've shown her. Fate will turn this around for both of us! If your man doesn't come back then he's a fool just like she would be to lose me. Keep your head up and I really really appreciate all the replies. Please write back.
EgoJoe Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 How are you one hundred percent sure and what do you mean about none that could be seen? Why don't you elaborate on these details, it may help you come to an understanding that you would not otherwise realize. How did you two meet? How did it all play out? Were you hanging out before things were officially over? I think it's important to realize you may have been dealing with a situation that may have been a little more than what was portrayed.
NopeNah Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 We were broken up a few years ago for a while and she took her rebound to ALL her peoples things. They like to show off that theyre ok. Thats the purpose of rebounds. Hell I do it now! All the girls that I see know though. Im upfront and say that I dont want any thing. Girls dont really do that(I think),They lead the new guy on.
Lostrabbit Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Hate to say this, I know everyone is hurting and don't want to knock anyone down but texting a girl with a boyfriend is cheating. My ex did it to me was texting the girl he ended up leaving me for, started out as friends maybe but the way I see it both he and she, like you and her knew what you were doing and where it was headed, some on here call it emotional cheating but it's cheating all the same and its deceitful and dishonest wether she was happy or not. Don't be that guy.... You have been played and you've been a fool. Getting involved with anyone in a relationship is wrong. It's starnge I look at my ex and think that if this girl hadn't have been around and texting him constantly we would still be together work on our problems and would have been happy. Don't get me wrong he did this and is contemptible for it but he was also weak and spoilt a good relationship for the thrill of the chase. Maybe it was so intense because of all the build up, then the iniatal excitement then it has just become less exciting when she had what she wanted 1
SycamoreCircle Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 OP, sorry your Holiday took a turn for the worse. The two of you are very young but you need to try to step back and have some perspective. -She left someone for you. That is a major red flag. If you want to have a more successful romantic life, evaluate the actions of the other person before starting something. Past actions = future actions. Actions are paramount, not words. -The two of you were not three months into the relationship. Three months is typically a turning point. People decide after that if the relationship is going to be something more serious and exclusive. -"Time for myself" translates to "someone else." Most likely the ex, but it could be some other guy, as well. Girls that young are like ocean currents. They don't know themselves emotionally and put suitors through whirling eddies of despair. Do not succumb to her fluctuating moods and desires, you will continue to be hurt. Go NC. Heal. Move on. There will be many more "ones." Expect that women, depending on their history, will not start to "flesh out" until they reach around 28-33. That is when you can place stock in meeting a more stable, mature woman. Women in their early-mid 20's have a lot of dispersed emotional and sexual energy. Stay strong and continue to post on LS! 3
Author Jayrok Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 Alright thanks again for all the replies. Sycamore hit the nail on the head with everything. Thanks for all the support and help from EVERYONE. There are still good people left in this world and I'm happy to see that. I know now I'm just disposable and had a major breakthrough this morning doing some thinking. You all are great and will continue to post on this board. I was completely wrong in every way and I really feel like a complete dumbass for even posting my story here. I should have known better... but I guess I try to see the best in everyone even if their heart is as black as coal. I'm old enough and been through this enough times to where honestly, looking on the outside now, I don't understand how I could not see this **** sooner. Thanks again guys and gals but wow, I'm such an idiot sometimes. Booking a trip to Florida now as we speak just to get the HELL away from this armpit of a town. I need to get away from the horrible people that seem to consume it. I may be heartbroke but I'm definitely seeing this clearly for the first time. Love always... is blind... Thanks again!
EgoJoe Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 What realizations did you come to? Also, I know of a few arm pits of a town myself!
welshbambi Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Dude posting on here was not dumb in any way. Aaah you and I ate kindred spirits. My realisation? That I am in love with a character, and a feeling that I was given when I was with him. The man I am in love with does not actually exist, and I must mourn the loss of that feeling. And you know what? Looking at past history of a person is sooooo valid. What my ex is doing now is following a distinct pattern of self destruct and using women that followed after the break down of his marriage two years ago. Two things I am taking from that -1, I now understand why his ex wife really blooming hates him and 2, if he is reacting the same way to our break up then in a twisted way I must have been special. It's probably and arrow in the clouds but hell, if it helps.my ego then, well, this is all about me now and I will take whatever I please that will help me get the mother trucking piece of dog doodoo out of my head!!! Look forward to chatting more and I would love to hear more about your epiphany.
Author Jayrok Posted December 27, 2014 Author Posted December 27, 2014 I saw her dad today as I dropped of his and his wifes Christmas gifts. We had a moment to chat and he really looked upset about everything. Almost as bad as me but not quite haha. He basically just said it shocked the hell out of him and he didn't understand what the hell was going on with his daughter, but look toward the future and I'm sure we'll see each other soon. It really hurt actually. I know it was short lived but damn, I felt a bond with all of them. Amrpits, where I live just seems to be exceptionally bad with women and men for that matter haha. It's so sad but people around here just seem to use each other up, then when they have the opportunity knocking on their front door, they choose to not answer. My epiphany, however, happened when I sat alone in deep thought. If something that feels so special and right truly means you're meant to be with that person, then why did it all of a sudden change? It's a question that I've been battling with since the break up. The answer is simply, it won't. You will fight and give everything you have to stay with that person thick and thin. I know I would do anything to get her back! Hell that's 99.9% of the reason I shared my story. Was the hope that someone would post where it did work out, and they did reconcile because it was meant to be. Like a movie or some **** lmao. I've been through it enough times and watching one "love of my life" walk away from me for an abusive ex boyfriend, should've been enough for me to realize that love shouldn't be this complicated and this painful. I realize that we all will have problems and true loving relationships take work. However when they choose to reject that, and walk away for what ever the reason may be, you should not be left picking up pieces of yourself. Remembering that THEY chose, not you was kind of my epiphany.. I guess what through me off and what hurts so terribly bad about all this is that I felt a mutual understanding between one another that to me was what I've been searching for. I've had exes say to my face that they were not over their past and still tried to make it work. This time, I felt a difference especially considering that she is very intelligent, with most things. I thought coupled with the intelligence she posed plus me being the type of guy I am (chivalrous, understanding, caring etc) that there was no way things could change as drastically as they did. That was naive of me, especially being that I've been there before and should have learned. I'm not sure what the future holds for me right now, no one does.. I don't know if she's coming back (likely not especially considering I won't even look at her when I pass). Honestly she deserves it though. Some part of me hopes, with whatever soul is left, that it hurts her deep inside of her and she's pained when I won't even give her the time of day. Likely not, but one can hope that they aren't completely heartless. Right now, I'm not sure what to believe. I know she was with her ex for awhile and she turned on him cold as ice. So I imagine, it wouldn't be that hard to do it to me either, no matter what she fed me. All I know is now, in this moment, drinking a beer, pouring my heart out to you strangers, is that I want this to be a turning point in my life. Some place in time where I look back and reminisce 10 years from now and say, "Wow I've really made a difference." Kids running around the yard and a true, genuine, good woman, with a house and a decent job to boot. That's ultimately what most of us want, especially on this website right?
EgoJoe Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) I think you were mirrored and used Jayrok. Then in the face of many options and the fear of engulfment you were discarded in a manner that she thought she could pick you back up at a convenient time. How cold did she turn on her Ex? Did you not consider that a red flag? It will help you to avoid making the same "exceptions" to the red flag rule in the future. It may also help you to realize that she may have gone to great lengths to deceive you. The other side of being cheated on: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/503029-she-cheated-i-left-updated-ongoing Edited December 27, 2014 by EgoJoe 2
Author Jayrok Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 I guess I let myself be deceived. I fell hard and fast because of the great chemistry we shared. I will always lose because she has a history with him and not so much with me. At some point her feelings towards me shifted and I was no longer the breadwinner. That's the soul problem of rebound relationships. Everything could go 100% perfect and you could really be the best guy/gal that he/she has ever been with and still lose to an ex because of the past they shared. It's really sad and yes I am deeply hurt by this. As I said before, from what she was telling me, friends/family, coworkers etc about us and how she had no regrets breaking it off with her ex, it really cut me deep when she broke it off with me just to do exactly what she was promising never to do. What makes me feel even worse about it, is I told her everytime the ex came up that she needed to make that decision on her own, and that it wasn't my place to say. All I said was I felt we had a really great thing going for us, and that if she wasn't ready for us, then I would back off and let her make up her mind. She never did and I never did because "she felt it was right to be with me." That "I'm perfect in every way" and "the best thing that's ever happened to her" "why would I leave you for someone who's worse than you in every way." etc... Gave her space when I felt she needed it, was her support when she needed it. Helped her with school and when she was sick. None of it mattered because in the end, I still lost to a guy who frankly doesn't deserve anything more than the Dear John letter she already gave him once. But I really hope ANYONE who reads this takes the agony that I'm going through as a lesson. Even if you are a perfect match and do everything right, you can and will still lose to the ex if he or she's still around. Plain and simple no matter what crap they feed you. I know it was short term, and I should have known better. That's life though, and I genuinely felt like this time was going to be different. Oh well.. She'll be back with him for awhile and realize why they broke up in the first place. By that time, I'll hopefully be healed enough and back in the dating world with someone new who's actually worth my ****ing time. Probably not, but I know I deserve better. Not to toot my own horn here but I know I'm a catch. She's the one that's going to be missing out, not me. I know she wants to still be friends with me, but no way in hell is that gonna happen. I'm not gonna sit on the bench while she's playing ball with some other dude that's half the guy I am. Being backburned sucks but the best thing I can do now is tell her I'm not interested in a friendship because it's not fair to me. I also know burning bridges though, is never a good thing to do. You should always leave the door open just in case, because you never know what the future holds! If we had chemistry once, it could definitely happen again down the road. I'm just not gonna sit here and wait for her to change her mind (if she does.) I respect myself too much for that BS. So there's my story and how it's concluded this time I guess. I hope people reading are getting something out of it and as always I appreciate all the comments ya'll have left me!
EgoJoe Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I'm about to post an interaction with my cheating suspected BPD/NPD Ex. Why don't you go over everything that happened since the break up? 1
welshbambi Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Oh buddy I am in exactly the same place right now! Honestly, you could be writing my life and how I feel. Mine has actively (very actively) moved on to other women. They aren't a patch on me but maybe that's why he's going for them - he can dispose of them once he get bored without caring. I am trying to remember the rationalisations of the situation, and that none of this is actually about me. Friendly advice though - expect to take a few steps back in your recovery now and again. Your head might know what is best but your heart may take a while catching up with that! If it does, don't beat yourself up. Feel it, remind yourself that it will pass, and that in a short while you will be able to cope again. We are all here for you, you sound like a stand up guy so don't struggle through on your own. We may be strangers but we are strangers with some very common ground. 1
Nolan 93 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) My friend!!! We are in the exact same boat you and I are haha. Except I'm 21 and she was 18, she was also just getting out of a relationship. Now her ex didn't cheat on her that we know off but he was damn near sexting other girls and when confronted he deleted the texts and locked himself in the bathroom. Yet my ex leaves me after 9 months for him? Any way I've been in your shoes, did the romantic gestures, bonded with her family, sex and passion, everything you can think of. I was the best boyfriend she has ever had and she told me that, and I knew it because Im the guy who always raises the bar. I waited to date, we talked in January and became offcial in April. So yes I feel like I was a rebound cause in the end she left me to find herself and ended up going back to her ex, she left this year on November 17th. I miss her everyday, and I know I was a rebound, but she said I wasn't beacuse she introduced me to the family, talked about kids, all the stuff like that. But I can't help feel like I was and I know I was a rebound. But I've been doing me and living life, but I wonder if she will ever regret her choice down the road, only time will tell. Love does hurt but we grow stronger from it. Oh and they dated for the same amount of time, but they had 3years of friendship and he was her first love. Edited December 30, 2014 by Nolan 93 Add more information 1
Author Jayrok Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 Oh trust me I hear what you're saying bambi and I hate the fact that so many people go through these things. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy! This will also explain things to Joe too hopefully and will make everything more clear. Sorry if I haven't been. I've tried to give as much detail as possible without making a bible out of my posts. Nolan I'm so sorry about that man. 9 months.. I couldn't imagine if I had that much time with her. All that time invested for someone you feel is your soulmate. I hate the way things are so much man. Like when I think about her I feel happy then I realize that she's not here anymore and I'm crushed all over again. I hit my highs and lows all the time. I know what I need to do and I'm fighting so hard against my emotions toward her. I'm so damn angry. I see red all the time and 2 seconds later I'm balling like an infant. I know I will NEVER beg for her to come back. That's weakness, immature, and frankly it's a turn off. We absolutely have to stand our ground and respect ourselves. They in turn will respect you for it and there is always that chance it will make them realize what a stupid mistake they made. She broke up with him for many reasons and those reasons are still true to this day. When she gets over her GIGS it'll hit her like hell realizing what a great opportunity she had just let go of. Friends? Hell no. Never burn your bridges though because the world is crazy and there is always opportunity for something to blossom in the future. It also makes you feel better knowing how much better of a person you were to be understanding and mature towards the break up. That's enough for me. I don't want to cling to false hopes but I know, without any doubt, there was chemistry and connection. Also it doesn't hurt that her parents are on my side about it hahaha. I wish I could see the looks on their faces when she breaks the news she's back with her ex! It would be priceless. Both of them flat out told me they hate that sob. Oh well! As I said it's her loss, not mine. I'm not gonna lie, I've been a total wreck about this break up though. I never cry about ANYTHING but I don't think I've had one day where I haven't cried since. Punching random things, calling my friends up and talking about it all the time, drinking every day, constantly badgering myself with what ifs.. It's been a rough 9 days. I'd venture to say it's the toughest emotional thing I've ever been through. I have moments where I'm like, "what the **** jay, it's only been 2 months, why does it hurt so damn bad???" It's all about how you feel towards that person and I really genuinely believe that I love and care about her more deeply than I can even write on this page. As I said the chemistry was that good! So intense... hurts to write it honestly lol For Joe here, I'll start with the day before the break up. It was a completely normal day. I spent it with her at her house with her mom and her little sister. We were talking about christmas and how we all couldn't wait for it! She was ordering my stuff offline with a big smile on her face saying she was so excited for me to see what she had gotten me. All smiles. Hell just the day before I was down at her house wrapping christmas gifts with her mom just having fun. Her mom found the sexy underwear I had bought my ex from Victoria's secret smiled, and cracked a joke at me! (That's how much they liked me.) By the way, I know I haven't mentioned this yet but...she's my coworker too... We were talking about work and how she was pissed off that this girl at work kept hitting on me. This was an ongoing battle with other coworkers at work telling her to just drop it. I finally told them to lay off and she has a right to be upset. Damn this is gonna be a long ass story but I hope this can clarify whatever you're searching for Joe. So I had to meet this guy back at my house to trade him my truck for his bike, title for title. I told her that she would have to drive herself to work that day because I didn't know how long it was gonna take. She said that's fine babe, you go do what you need to do. I need to start getting ready for work anyway. So I said okay baby kissed her and said see you soon. After I did the trade, I left to go to work and picked her up a Redbull like I did for her sometimes. Just a nice gesture to show here I'm thinking about her! Night was slow so we had some downtime to talk and joke around with other coworkers. Everything was fantastic! We left there and got some food to take back to my place. Watched some American Horror Story which was kind of our show, snuggled up for a minute but she quickly said she was ready to leave. I said okay is everything alright? She said yes I'm just tired and we're gonna see each other tomorrow anyway. We'll have many more nights I'm not going anywhere. I was like I know you're not, but you look like you're not feeling well or something so I was just asking. That should've been a red flag and goddamn did it hurt to write that. My heart felt like it was falling out of my chest. Wow this hurts so ****ing bad... She grabbed her coat and everything and I was a little on edge because she kinda snapped that at me which she hasn't done before EVER. I asked her in the car if she was getting tired of me, and if she wanted some space? She said no everything is okay, I'm just still not feeling well and sorry I snapped at you. I said it's okay I'm just showing my concern that's all. I kissed her goodnight, kissed her on the head, and she said she'd text me when she got home. Well she did. Conversation was short. She said she was tired and I told her I know you probably are, you've just been sick! Go ahead and go to sleep, don't let me keep you up. She said goodnight handsome! I said Goodnight Beautiful Next day conversations were at a minimum again. She said she was busy wrapping my presents and doing laundry and stuff. I said okay not a problem, I take it you don't want me sneaking a peak at all the goodies huh? She said NOPE . I was like alright I'm gonna take a nap. She said okay babe! Woke up called her when she was on her way to work. Small talk. She said I'll see ya soon! Got her her redbull and came to work. We got busy as hell and that's when she said her family was in the dining room if I wanted to go say hi which I did. Everything was seemingly fine... perfectly normal. She was herself and even was calling me baby all night. Texted me at 7:37 saying "Thank you so much for the redbull baby! It gave me a little burst for that rush we had." I said you're welcome sweetheart. Not even 2 hours after that at closing time, I had one more thing to do, and she said she'd be waiting for me outside. I said okay, then when I arrived she came walking up to the passenger door of my truck with her car still running and said, "we need to talk, did you wanna do it here or?" I said well that depends on what it's about. God my heart is racing like hell. I can't see straight at the moment actually :/ She said, "We rushed into this, I'm not ready for a relationship...blah blah blah..." Stuff I've already talked about.. I didn't beg her to stay but I did ask her why and she could definitely tell I was completely crushed. She said she felt so bad but this is what she needs to do. I said I respect that and if it's meant to be it will be. If you miss me don't hesitate to call me. Next day I had to work with her... No contact... No eye contact... Not a word muttered to ANYBODY. I was a ****ing zombie... Hurting so bad. Everyone knew immediately and started shoving their nose in our business. All I wanted to do was slit everyones throat. I was fighting so hard in my heart but she wouldn't even give me the time of day. I know people knew I was crying. I looked like I had smoked a pound of weed. I didn't give a damn because my world in the direction I thought it was headed was just turned upside down. Everyone else was okay. Not me. And frankly I know none of them gave a damn either. Well most of them anyway. By the way, I haven't had a sober night since the breakup. In fact I'm gonna go grab a brew so I can finish this story with my sanity... She didn't work the next day... Thank god. I was still a zombie though. Some said I'm sorry. My boss gave me a hug and I wept actually. Then the 2nd day of the breakup I had off but needed to get in touch with her about my stuff and the christmas gifts. It was a simple hey how are you? She said I'm okay thanks for asking. You? I said I'm fine but I wanted to get my stuff back and drop the christmas gifts off and I would also accept hers. She said she had taken them back already... I said ouch. Then she sent me a :/ I said you know what it doesn't matter it's just material ****. Could I talk to you for minute after work? You don't have to I'd understand.. She said what do we have to talk about? I said I needed to get some things off my chest. She said can't we do it over the phone. I said no it's better in person because you can read people and know they're not lying. So I met up with her and talked to her for about 45 minutes or so which I know was a mistake to break NC but I had things to say. When we broke up I didn't say much because I was so hurt about it. I just told her how I felt about her and that if she feels this is what she needs to do that I'm going to be the guy I've been from the beginning. I understand and respect that and maybe we could work something out down the road if she'd like to. But I'm gonna focus on myself as much as it hurts and you do too. Maybe it'll be a good thing. If you love something, let it go and if it's meant to be it will be. She agreed, smiled and said I'm glad you don't hate me. I said no it's very much the opposite. Parted ways and I wept some more like a child after she drove off. She didn't contact me at all nor has since that night. I haven't either. I would've been fine with work trying to maintain professionalism. I did another stupid thing... I logged on Facebook to see she had added her ex which roused my suspicion and that's when I posted on here saying that Sycamour hit the nail on the head with everything. Boy was I mad as hell. Had to work with her ass again that night too... Again no words spoken, no eye contact, nothing.. Avoiding each other like the plague. That hurts so ****ing bad. Here this was someone 4 days prior to this I would've done anything for now we can't even say one word to each other? Okay so I just tried to sweep it under the rug like nothing happened. I began to actually speak to my co workers again. Small talk but they could still tell I was dying on the inside. SO I didn't have to work with her again till last night. Thank god. It gave me a break to where I felt normal for a moment. I told myself, look there's no way in hell she's not hurting, why would she be avoiding eye contact but I catch her glancing at me from time to time? So I tested it. I walked in and she immediately looked back. She used to say she looked back everytime the door opened to see if it was me. She did. Maybe out of habit. I saw her staring right at me and I looked right into her eyes and her head snapped away so quick. Then she looked down and looked kind of sad. I thought man, you know maybe she is feeling it? Maybe she is feeling kinda bad about this. Well I caught her out of the corner of my eye looking at me a few times throughout the night and I did too. Then as I was getting ready to leave, guess who walks in? Her ex.... I looked right over at my friend Angie and said, "You see Angie? That's exactly why right there! I ****ING KNEW IT." and stormed the hell out of there. I was in so much pain I didn't even know how to cope. I didn't let her see it and see me react like that. But I peeled out of there so damn quick and grabbed some brews. Headed over to my buddies house and got wasted jamming out to a mix of hard rock, country, grunge. Didn't solve anything.. Woke up this morning in a cold sweat from the horrible nightmares I've been having. Haven't really eaten much either in 9 days. Still crying and whining like a little girl off and on. ****'s messed up but I'm standing my ground whenever I see her again. I need my stuff from her house but I'm gonna hold off for another week or so. She may contact me before then. I'm already getting another job here soon. Need to get the hell away from her and this area. I have one song that keeps repeating in my head, Speed by Montgomery Gentry. Not that anyone cares about this but I appreciate all that are following me and my story. I hope that it bring some clarity for all of you and maybe it did me good to go in detail a little more. Help me sort out and pinpoint when the change happened. Thanks again for reading ya'll and sorry for the length.
Nolan 93 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Honestly she was my first love, I've of course dated other girls but I wasn't attached to them like I was with her. Honestly I did beg, but not one where I get on all fours and cry like a dog lol. Looking back it was stupid yes it's weak but arnt we all human after all? She did it when he left her, I did it but was like a one time thing then I was over it. But yes we had a connection if it went on for awhile and she said "you'll always be in my heart, for everything you gave me and you gave me real love. No one has ever given me that" so I know over time she might come back idk but I'm moving on. But who cares if you wrote a lot, it's your tale, tell it how it is. Yes she still has feelings for you, but that always pisses me off when they left you for their ex who didn't deserve them, because they had their chance and they ****ed up. In fact I was at the gym last week and see my ex's ex the one that's she's with right now. I already knew what he looked like but damn he's tiny asian guy maybe 5'5 and I'm 6'0, got me hot blooded to know she went back to that and it made me pump so much iron. Funny thing he only did like five workouts then left, he didn't come near the weights cause he knew I was there and I was pumping some serious iron. But honestly thinkig bro, if I was him I would be very hurt and mad cause I wonder when he will relaize that his ex left him for me and she has my DNa all in her for several months lol. Don't know how he's not thinking about that. Anyway let your ex do her thang, she's going to realize what she lost, we are both wonderful rare men who take care of our ladies. We were honest, faithful, and we loved them with all our hearts 100%. They will both realize what a great catch they had and they threw it back in the water for something that has been already dead for awhile. Would you take her back if she came back months down the road?? I would but everything will be slow and trust has to be earned. After all they are only human haha 1
EgoJoe Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Jayrok, You fell hard and fast because that was her Modus Operandi. She groomed you as a dalliance/replacement. Probably because her Ex wasn't worshiping the ground she walked on and she wanted to tug on his heartstrings. She got what she wanted. Control of him. It'll be a nightmare for them. Go read my thread. 30+ days of NC thrown away. I feel ok but the FOG is real. 1
Author Jayrok Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 See that's the beauty of it all. I know eventually they will self destruct. Especially because she told me he would NEVER let go of the past before. How do you think he's gonna react when he finds out how many times we had sex? What else is he gonna do when he finds out that it was almost everyday for 2 months straight sometimes all night long. Chances are she won't tell him that. Nor will she tell him the things she told me either because she knows it'll just piss him off. Fact of the matter is though, is he will find out. It'll always burn in the back of his mind and I know he won't be able to swallow that. As I said earlier though I'm not going to be benched while she goes and explores her past feelings with an ex. She can. We're not together anymore and there's nothing I can do about it. I just know deep down she's gonna be feeling real stupid and guilty when things don't work out again. If she did come back, I would definitely give her another shot. Just because I know of the feelings we shared and how well I fit in with her family. But I'm not gonna stick around and wait for her. The only thing is this time, I'd let her know from the get go, we're going slow. Period. You walked out on me once and there's nothing stopping you from doing it again. I love you and care about you but I won't play games this time. You're right though. We are good guys and sadly, most of the time, good guys finish last. That's why you gotta be yourself(good) but firm on where you stand because we deserve better treatment than some ungrateful girls doormat.
Author Jayrok Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 One more thing to Joe. He begged her so much to come back. She was fine with the split with him even 3-4 days before we broke up and Honestly I don't know what changed her mind. Prolly GIGS and getting scared of a new commitment. Like "what if I commit to this guy and he turns out to be just another dickhead..?. well I'm just gonna leave him and try to work things out with my ex." Something along those lines. I understand how manipulative some women can be but this girl definitely wasn't like that. We were around each other all the time. She probably made contact with him at some point 2-3 days prior to our breakup and had second thoughts about this new found love. Scared her so she ran back to what was familiar and comfortable to her. I ain't worried about it. She'll come to her senses about it sooner or later.
EgoJoe Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Or maybe when he stopped begging she started to feel the loss and realized that her game was going to backfire if she didn't capitalize. Or maybe this or maybe that. It doesn't matter. You have the real answer. You now know not to get involved with someone fresh out of a relationship or on their way out. Maybe a quick wam-bam but no attachment for a while.
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