tinyvipers Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 I have been seeing this incredible guy A for the past 4 months. He has a bit of a history with women so I was extremely cautious and defensive from the get go. I felt this subconscious need to keep my options open just in case he does end up playing me and I have been steadily flirting/talking to another guy S on the side the whole time. Nothing physical has ever happened between S and I - we've never even met before. A had a suspicion that something more was going on between S and I for a while. He asked me to be honest with me a dozen times and I always ended up lying to him, saying that I don't like S and S doesn't really like me, it's nothing too serious. In my head, it really was not serious at all compared to what I had with A. We had a talk last night and after thinking about things a bit, I decided to be upfront and told A the complete truth: S didn't even know that he existed and S definitely likes me. Right before that, I decided to let S know that I am really involved in A and we should stop talking. After seeing the messages and knowing about my dishonesty all along (there are a few other instances where I denied some industry contacts liked me), he broke up with me. I haven't been able to sleep or eat since then. I know I really screwed up and I wish I could redo everything. We met up again today for coffee and talked about it. He told me that his feelings for me are still the same but he sees very little chance of us working out in the long run because he feels that trust has been completely eroded and he finds himself worrying every time I am texting on my phone. He said that he definitely needs time/space and want to experience single life again but we should talk about us again after a while. I know I really hurt him (he hasn't had any monogamous relationships for 5 years; I was his first) and I really wish I had done things completely differently. Is there any chance for us again? What can I do to make it happen?
Survivor12 Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 The best thing you can do is to leave him alone & work on being honest with yourself. To say that you "felt a subconscious need to keep your options open" is an excuse--and not true. If it were subconscious, you wouldn't be consciously aware of it. The truth is that you felt the need to keep your options open & chose to lie & deceive A & S. The question is why did you feel the need to do that? If you didn't feel that S could be trusted, why become involved with him? Why string along a guy that you haven't even met? (We both know the answer to that, don't we?) Yes, you screwed up. We all do at one time or another. The important thing is to learn from your mistake. First, identify why you did what you did--What did you hope to accomplish? What were you afraid of? Once you have that figured out, you can work to overcome what you fear & avoid making the same mistake again. Here's my theory--I think perhaps you have a fear of being rejected/abandoned or having your ego bruised & you're insecure. You really wanted S to want to be with you, but because you are aware that he's had quite a "history with women", you had no confidence in him sticking around for long...SO you kept A around to soften the blow & feed your ego. If that is true, please know that it's not uncommon. Here's a couple of things to keep in mind: --Being honest about who you are will attract people who like YOU, not an image of who you want them to think you are. --Being single/without a man is NOT a character flaw & being rejected is not an indication that you are flawed. --If you feel good about yourself, you don't need someone else to validate you. Unfortunately, you cannot undo what is done & A has good reason not to trust you. Trying to change his mind or justify what you did will only push him further away & beating up on yourself will accomplish nothing. Instead, accept that what you did was wrong, focus on forgiving yourself & figuring out how to overcome & better deal with your insecurities. Best of luck to you! 2
Diezel Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 #1 Stop rationalizing your need to "keep your options open" #2 Let him go. #3 Learn your lesson and don't do this again. 2
lil hoodlum Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 Yes, you made a mistake. I am not going to beat you up about it. We all make mistakes in life. All you really do at this point is give him his space if he wants it. Hopefully what the two of you had is enough for him to come back and try again with you. Please be open and honest with whom you are romantically involved in to avoid situations like this in the future. 1
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