Author icerose Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 How often do you guys fight? Over this situation or otherwise…? Not much. Of course we sometimes have different opinions on things and discuss it, but that rarely turns into a fight. I'd say the relationship is pretty harmonic, except of this ex-girlfriend topic. About that we have fought a few times in the past, when I saw him texting her and I didn't like it at all. But we have never fought so much about it as in the last few days since I know that he wanted to visit her and when I realized he still hasn't told her about me.
Winterina Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Sorry you are in that situation. It is not inconceivable that he will realise things and that he is losing you...maybe it is already too late. But you do have to break it off for the sake of your own health and happiness.
seekingpeaceinlove Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) OP, I was your bf 3 years ago..when I first started dating my bf. He couldn't understand and was uncomfortable with the fact that I was staying in touch with my ex. I, on the other hand, couldn't understand why he didn't trust me and felt that he was trying to control me. I kept thinking, " How dare he try to dictate who I can be friends with!" I hated the fact that he wasn't secure enough with me and the relationship to trust me. Like your bf's ex, my ex also pined for me and wanted to get back together. No matter how many times I told my ex to respect my boundaries, he would always push for us getting back together and at some point it made me realize how disrespectful it was to my current bf. I had no choice but to cut off contact with the ex. The relationship with my ex was no longer just a simple friendship. Like others have posted, the only reason I would have stayed in contact with an ex who kept flirting and pushing to be with me would be 1.) loved the attention and/or 2.) I still had feelings for them. For your info, I would not have gone to see my ex had he broken his ankle. Definitely NOT an emergency. Cancer? Yes. Broken Limb? No. Also, my ex 100% knew about my bf. In a nutshell, I've come to the conclusion that unless I feel comfortable introducing my bf to any of my guy friends (ex or not), the "friendship" is probably not appropriate. To me, it comes down to respecting the relationship with my bf and his feelings. As you already pointed out, OP, the biggest issue is that your bf doesn't seem to be respecting your feelings and empathizing with you. I suspect he is also under the impression that you're trying to control him. Again, I've been in your bf's shoes. I had no romantic feelings for my ex, I just didn't want to cut off a friendship with someone that I genuinely cared for because of my partner's insecurity. In my situation, I came to the realization on my own that I wasn't being sensitive to my bf feelings..hopefully so does your bf. However, the constant contact with his ex and not knowing about you is wholly unacceptable. No wonder you're feeling insecure. If he can't see that... Anyways, good luck and I hope it all works out Edited December 30, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove 2
BeholdtheMan Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 He tells me he only loves me and I shouldn't worry at all Your boyfriend is either oblivious to the concept of boundaries (very odd for a 30 year old man) or he's aware he's crossing the line but doesn't care about your feelings (arguably even worse) Either way...it's bad. I'd ditch my GF if she were to do something like this
Detectingfreak Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Sounds like my ex. My ex was still in love with her ex and would always bring up how better a lover he was then me. I left because she could not stop thinking about him and always thought there was a chance. Also my ex got cheated on by him and she was still in love with him! That is f'd up to tell you the truth. I would dump this guy and go for someone who loves only you. Don't waste two years of your life like I did. I regret giving my virginity to her to.
Author icerose Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 This morning he was still completely ignoring me. I then said he has no reason to be pissed and he said he's not pissed but I keep bringing up that topic and thats not normal. He said 'If I don't care about your feelings, why did I stay at home and not go see her?' Okay, he didn't see her, but he also didn't say he will tell her about me. He said 'Do you want me to call her right now and tell her or what'. I told him he had enough time in 2.5 years and that it's not a normal friendship if he never tells her about me. Well, I ended up telling him I cannot be with him anymore if the situation stays like this and I will always have to wonder if she knows about me and if he talks to her. He didn't say anything, just seemed to get angrier and then just locked himself in the bathroom to take a shower and go to work.
newlyborn Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 do you think that you can stop addressing this topic with him for a day or a few? this might give you time to adjust to being back home, get your bearings, and have the discussion from a calmer, stronger place. also, it might not be a good idea to keep mentioning a breakup if you are not really ready to go through it. 1
Author icerose Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 I already gave it a break for two days- I arrived Saturday and didn't bring it up til yesterday.
elaine567 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 This morning he was still completely ignoring me. I then said he has no reason to be pissed and he said he's not pissed but I keep bringing up that topic and thats not normal. He said 'If I don't care about your feelings, why did I stay at home and not go see her?' Okay, he didn't see her, but he also didn't say he will tell her about me. He said 'Do you want me to call her right now and tell her or what'. I told him he had enough time in 2.5 years and that it's not a normal friendship if he never tells her about me. Well, I ended up telling him I cannot be with him anymore if the situation stays like this and I will always have to wonder if she knows about me and if he talks to her. He didn't say anything, just seemed to get angrier and then just locked himself in the bathroom to take a shower and go to work. I agree with newly born, you cannot threaten to leave if you know you are not going to do it. It weakens your position. You: If you do not tell your ex about me, I will leave. Him; I am not going to tell my ex about you. You: Oh, OK then... (miserable, sad and no where to go with that argument) But, if you are serious and are going to leave, then make your point clearly and if he doesn't give you a satisfactory answer, then pack up and go, and do not look back. He may or may not ask you to come back, but the ball is then in your court, you decide. BUT, but you have to also be prepared for him not asking you to come back. 2
Author icerose Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 Of course I would leave, that's for sure. He came out of the bathroom and was more quiet again. He told me that she knows about me and that he just never felt it was necessary to bring me up since she already knows (from his brother for example who's a good friend of hers). And that he didn't want me to come visit her with him because he finds it weird if her accident is the first time I meet her. I didn't agree with any of that. He hugged me and said he only wants to be with me and that I have to trust him, but I just cannot. I told him I need him to tell her about me. He got angrier again, saying that he's not gonna call her now and say 'Hey I have a girlfriend' only because I say so. I said 'No, I only want your word, your promise, that next time you talk to her you will bring me up'. He then just said he has to go to work now and cannot believe I'm threatening him with breaking up over that. Then he left.
Author icerose Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 He just came back home, going straight to me and said 'If I tell her about you, will you be okay then and not bring it up over and over again?' I said yes. He said okay then. Then he left again. I don't know what that means. If he will really tell her about me. Obviously I won't be able to check that since I don't snoop on his phone or so. I don't know what I should do now. Maybe I should feel better now, but somehow I still really feel like crap. If he really tells her about me I think I would be okay, but what if he doesn't and he just said that so I shut up and don't break up.
elaine567 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 He just came back home, going straight to me and said 'If I tell her about you, will you be okay then and not bring it up over and over again?' I said yes. He said okay then. Then he left again. I don't know what that means. If he will really tell her about me. Obviously I won't be able to check that since I don't snoop on his phone or so. I don't know what I should do now. Maybe I should feel better now, but somehow I still really feel like crap. If he really tells her about me I think I would be okay, but what if he doesn't and he just said that so I shut up and don't break up. This does sound a bit like she doesn't really know about you at all, and after 2.5 years that is a bit weird. Is it possible his brother hasn't mentioned you, or your relationship with his brother either?
Author icerose Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 This does sound a bit like she doesn't really know about you at all, and after 2.5 years that is a bit weird. Is it possible his brother hasn't mentioned you, or your relationship with his brother either? I'm not sure. My bf says she knows about me, but of course he could be saying that to shut me up. His brother is a good friend of hers, but who knows.. maybe he never told her either because he didn't want to hurt her. I once posted a link on his mom's FB wall, mentioning my boyfriend and our relationship. I know she's friends with his mom on FB, so I was hoping she'll see it, but I dunno if she did. So in the end I cannot be sure at all if she knows or not.
Winterina Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 He just came back home, going straight to me and said 'If I tell her about you, will you be okay then and not bring it up over and over again?' I said yes. He said okay then. Then he left again. I don't know what that means. If he will really tell her about me. Obviously I won't be able to check that since I don't snoop on his phone or so. I don't know what I should do now. Maybe I should feel better now, but somehow I still really feel like crap. If he really tells her about me I think I would be okay, but what if he doesn't and he just said that so I shut up and don't break up. From I don't think Icerose that you will be happy while he stays in touch with her. Even if he tell her Hey I have a gf... what is that going to change? At the end of the day it might come down to him choosing between being your bf or being in touch with her. I don't see it not bothering you any more after he tells her about you.
Art_Critic Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 On a death bed or the like..sure.. broken leg.. no freaking way.. I think you know where this is going.. time for you to arrange a new place to live unless it's all your place and in that event I'd kick him the hell out, what an entirely disrespectful thing he is doing to you, the one he loves. I don't give advice like this often but it is time to dump the asshat..
Author icerose Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 From I don't think Icerose that you will be happy while he stays in touch with her. Even if he tell her Hey I have a gf... what is that going to change? At the end of the day it might come down to him choosing between being your bf or being in touch with her. I don't see it not bothering you any more after he tells her about you. He says he is barely in touch with her, before the accident hasn't talked to her three months. I wouldn't mind him talking to her once in a while IF she knows about me, as long as he doesn't talk to her once a month or more. But of course it will be difficult to know if he's telling the truth or not.
Zahara Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) He says he is barely in touch with her, before the accident hasn't talked to her three months. I wouldn't mind him talking to her once in a while IF she knows about me, as long as he doesn't talk to her once a month or more. But of course it will be difficult to know if he's telling the truth or not. If this ex is still in love with him and wishes to be back with him, he shouldn't be talking to her at all. Edited December 30, 2014 by Zahara
toscaroscura Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 If this ex is still in love with him and wishes to be back with him, he shouldn't be talking to her at all. IMO it's a red flag when a person, male or female, keeps around as friends people they know are in love and pining for them. To me, it shows a lack of character and selfishness, as they deem it necessary to keep these lovesick folks around for attention or favors or God knows what else. Also that they might have a cruel streak, which your BF seems to have as evidenced by his rage at your pain. Kind people I know will gently disengage from someone who is pining for them should the feelings not be returned, if only to let them heal and get on with their lives. 1
Zahara Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 IMO it's a red flag when a person, male or female, keeps around as friends people they know are in love and pining for them. To me, it shows a lack of character and selfishness, as they deem it necessary to keep these lovesick folks around for attention or favors or God knows what else. Also that they might have a cruel streak, which your BF seems to have as evidenced by his rage at your pain. Kind people I know will gently disengage from someone who is pining for them should the feelings not be returned, if only to let them heal and get on with their lives. Absolutely. I definitely agree. This guy is void of empathy and respect for both women. 1
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