No Limit Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Exactly, but I guess no one's figured this out yet. Maybe they will when the next few emergencies arrive. She could break a fingernail at any moment. Well, let's take it from a different perspective. What a douche is he if he believes a broken leg is an emergency? Yes it's a nasty injury if you love sports (although I remember a woman from my old stable cutting cows with a broken leg, although some might argue it is the horse doing all the work) but far from life threatening these days. But of course, his presence is the only thing that can help her. 1
Gloria25 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Maybe they will when the next few emergencies arrive. She could break a fingernail at any moment. Well, let's take it from a different perspective. What a douche is he if he believes a broken leg is an emergency? Yes it's a nasty injury if you love sports (although I remember a woman from my old stable cutting cows with a broken leg, although some might argue it is the horse doing all the work) but far from life threatening these days. But of course, his presence is the only thing that can help her. Well, regardless of the emergency or not - the ambiguity as to whether or not this ex knows that he has a gf; the gf not having any contact with this ex - despite the bf saying "oh, she's just a friend"; the bf getting upset at the gf inquiring about this; and, him maintaining contact with someone he knows still has the hots for him....are all ISSUES. Even "if" he hasn't "cheated" (i.e. physical contact of any kind) with this "ex". I don't see how I'd get horny for some guy who maintains contact with someone - knowing that she still wants him and he does not intend to leave his gf and/or have RL with her? What a creep for leading on some chick like that. But then again, if it's not his ego that he's getting stroked here (by maintaining contact with an ex he has no intention of ever dating and has the "hots" for him); then, next issue is that he's probably keeping that door open "just in case" - which again sucks, cuz it means he's not happy with his current gf (despite the 2.5 years of "dating") and he could care less about leading on an ex for THREE YEARS until he's "ready" for her. That's just mean, cruel to do to both chicks here. Again, this guy sounds like bouche-dag no matter how you cut it.
BC1980 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 The most concerning thing is that the BF doesn't sympathize with the OP's feelings. He completely discounts your feelings as unimportant or, at least, much less important or valid than his. It's not like you're trying to compromise over which movie to watch. This is visiting an ex. The majority of people would have a problem with it. I'll give you some good advice regarding buying a house with him. Having done the whole living with a guy thing, men tend to see that differently than women. Most women see that as a stepping stone to marriage or actually settling for living together in the hopes it will lead to marriage. Men see it as a trial run. I had the ring and lived with the guy. It meant nothing in the end, and all because I compromised what I wanted in hopes for something more one day. There are so many women with the same sad, predictable story. I would strongly advise you not to spend much more time with this man if you do want to get married and have children one day. 3
Diezel Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Exactly, but I guess no one's figured this out yet. If it were me, my girlfriend would soon become my ex-girlfriend. First response to this thread. Some of us figured it out QUICK. Others... just rationalizing. Life is too short to be marrying into a relationship with ex's involved.
Winterina Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Right, he is not doing any favours He is driving you all insane. He must realise this and do the right thing. I am telling you NOT to dump him because I am living with a guy who chose to stop his bs with some of his female friends and even cut all ties with some of them... but this happened when he realised what he is doing to us, to me and that his stuff with them was inappropriate.
Author icerose Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 So today we talked again (but just a few min because I didn't have time) and he said he understands my point. I asked him if he visited her and he said no, he would have told me if he did. Tomorrow night I'm back in town,so I guess I'll bring the topic up again. I'll post here what he says.
Ann253 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Your bf wants to visit because he cares for her. He still has a bond with her. This bond is different than the bond with you. I have been in his shoes before. I am still friends with an ex bf, and I would talk with him, sometimes rarely (once every few months) sometimes often. He was in a motorcycle accident and broke his hip. I went to visit him. My bf at the time was very upset. I couldn't understand why he was so upset. We were just friends, nothing was going on between us. We had a past and there is a special bond that we will always have. I didn't want to get back with him (I'm the one who called it off). It wasn't until I started dating the man I'm with now that I understood. My last bf didn't like my ex, because I think he realized our bond was different. Although I didn't want to be with my ex, and had a bond with the other guy it was different and honestly I felt closer to the ex. My new bf and I have a completely different relationship. I rarely talk to the ex now (there are outside factors on why we still talk) and if my new bf had an issue I would not see him again. Unfortunately what I think you are sensing, and you bf doesn't realize is that your not "the one". If you were truly the person he was meant to be with he wouldn't feel the need to see his ex - even if there is nothing going on with them. I'm sorry, but you should probably move on. 1
Author icerose Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 Update- I've been back for almost two days now. This morning I brought up the topic again, asking him in a very nice qay if his ex is still in town and if he wants us to visit her latee. He got directly angry, said that i just wanna force him to see her with me and that no, now he just prefers to not see her at all. I told him that this isn't a normal friendship at all, if he prefers to not see her at all instead of bringing his girlfriend. He didn't agree with anything I said, just got more mad and then just started ignoring me completly. I just couldn't help myself but start to cry, which he didn't seem to care about. Right now I think it's probably the best to break up.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Update- I've been back for almost two days now. This morning I brought up the topic again, asking him in a very nice qay if his ex is still in town and if he wants us to visit her latee. He got directly angry, said that i just wanna force him to see her with me and that no, now he just prefers to not see her at all. I told him that this isn't a normal friendship at all, if he prefers to not see her at all instead of bringing his girlfriend. He didn't agree with anything I said, just got more mad and then just started ignoring me completly. I just couldn't help myself but start to cry, which he didn't seem to care about. Right now I think it's probably the best to break up. I would get rid of him. He cares about his own and her feelings more than yours. I also think from his reaction that she indeed doesn't know about you, which is bad. He's still into her.
Zahara Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Update- I've been back for almost two days now. This morning I brought up the topic again, asking him in a very nice qay if his ex is still in town and if he wants us to visit her latee. He got directly angry, said that i just wanna force him to see her with me and that no, now he just prefers to not see her at all. I told him that this isn't a normal friendship at all, if he prefers to not see her at all instead of bringing his girlfriend. He didn't agree with anything I said, just got more mad and then just started ignoring me completly. I just couldn't help myself but start to cry, which he didn't seem to care about. Right now I think it's probably the best to break up. Unfortunately, it is very apparent that it is time to end it. His reaction is indicative of something other than a friendship brewing between them. He knows you are onto him and you're making him mad that he can't get to have his cake and eat it too.
me85 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 (edited) Yes, you need to break up. I'm very very sorry for you. But I promise you deserve and will most certainly find a better man out there who will treat you with much more respect than your current bf does. Clearly he still has feelings for her and still sees her as some sort of priority of some in his life. Edited December 29, 2014 by me85
Author icerose Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 Thank you. It's so difficult but I know it's the right thing. I just really don't get it. If he loves her, why isn't he with her? One call and she would be back in his arms tonight. Nobody forces him to be with me. Plus, what annoys me so much too is that he doesn't seem to understand me at all or at least he doesn't want to admit it. He just sits there, super pissed, not talking, pretending I'm crazy. If he could at least say 'Yes, I know you're right but I just cannot let go of her, I still have feelings for her' or so. It would be much easier to make peace with it this way.
Zahara Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I just really don't get it. If he loves her, why isn't he with her? One call and she would be back in his arms tonight. Nobody forces him to be with me. Maybe he doesn't want to be with anyone. Maybe he likes the attention he gets from you and from her. Maybe he likes having two women adoring him. Maybe he doesn't care about committing to either one of you. He won't leave you to go and be with her. He won't leave her to stay fully committed to you. Plus, what annoys me so much too is that he doesn't seem to understand me at all or at least he doesn't want to admit it. He understands. He just doesn't want to accept your demands. IHe just sits there, super pissed, not talking, pretending I'm crazy. If he could at least say 'Yes, I know you're right but I just cannot let go of her, I still have feelings for her' or so. It would be much easier to make peace with it this way. He doesn't have to give you a bunch of words. His actions are blatantly clear to you. Of course you are crazy -- gaslighting you in hopes that you start questioning your own sanity, doubt yourself and soon enough shut up and just let him do what he wants. If he has had no respect and empathy for your feelings since all this happened, he's not going to now lay it out sweetly for you.
Diezel Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 If he could at least say 'Yes, I know you're right but I just cannot let go of her, I still have feelings for her' or so. It would be much easier to make peace with it this way. Saying those things is taking responsibility for the blame. He doesn't want to do that, it is easier for him to rationalize that you are not being an understanding girlfriend because you won't let him do what he wants to do versus him admitting that what he is doing is wrong and he is at fault for it. 2
coolheadal Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 This about the first post.....> Something going to happen. Before you get hurt any more than he's doing to you. Don't call him or better yet pack your things up and go stay with family or friends you too don't live in the same place. Everything else posted by the OP-----> See it's getting worst, the attention should be on you 100%. But now it's like it's Him, Ex and you. Now consider this arrangement closely. The way you feel right now you want him to stop contacting his Ex (his non-girl friend) call his girl buddy friend. But never comes out to be that way in the end. His Ex still in love with him as you say and he has some deep feelings for her as you can see. There is so much more going on. I am glad to see you on top of things. Most never see what's coming before it hits them. By then it's way too late to stop it. This can't be stopped. Gone on behind your back. Best course of action is do not talk to him and go on with your business at hand. You say your out of town with your family. Then go after a nice time. Don't answer his text or phone calls. Let him think about you for a chance. But whatever you do, don't give into him. He needs to put the Ex to the side and be more of what you want from him. If he really not listening to you and needs then he needs to know you will not be around as a backup for him.
darkmoon Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 (edited) he is being played by the ex, she knows she can precipitate an argument between you and him, do not expect him to understand this or boss (sorry) him into obeying you, it can only make him angry at being pussy-whipped, seems it is he offered to drop her, stop making more of this than you need to, you can only come off as bossy, while the ex can crow inwardly at any news of your arguments, sh Edited December 29, 2014 by darkmoon
Author icerose Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 I'm already back in town, I was away for a week. He's still ignoring me. I know that he's expecting me to make the first step and start the talk and give in, because that's what I usually did. When I saw him texting with his ex and he told me I shouldn't worry, I believed him and shut up. I still don't think he's (physically) cheating on me with her, but that's not the point anymore. I don't wanna have a future with a man who doesn't seem to care about my feelings and where I always have to wonder if he's thinking of her or texting her. I'm thinking to go out in two hours to meet a friend for a few drinks. I mean he isn't talking to me anyway, so what am I going to do here. And I don't see why I should try to talk to him again. He's gonna get so angry though, I can already see it coming.
me85 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 OP, I've been in a RS where my bf at the time had a best female friend whom judged and talked negatively about me behind my back to my bf and his friends from the start (and he kept that information from me and still hung out with her) and so of course I didn't like the girl. He always disregarded my feelings and would usually choose to do things with her instead of with me. And he's 10 years older than me! I wish more guys that age had better sense that what he had. If you choose to stay with him, you're just going to become more and more insecure and suspicious, just as I did. And you guys will continue to fight over it, just as me and my ex did. I mean, how dare he?? With an ex?? No ma'am. NOOOO MA'AM. 1
Zahara Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I'm thinking to go out in two hours to meet a friend for a few drinks. I mean he isn't talking to me anyway, so what am I going to do here. And I don't see why I should try to talk to him again. He's gonna get so angry though, I can already see it coming. Just go with your friend! Who cares if he's sitting there sucking his thumb and pouting in the corner. He's the one in the wrong here. He should be stressing trying to figure out how to fix it. He should be kissing your feet trying to make you feel secure. Don't question as to whether you need to talk to him or reach out. 1
me85 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 (edited) "OP, I've been in a RS where my bf at the time had a best female friend whom judged and talked negatively about me behind my back to my bf and his friends from the start (and he kept that information from me and still hung out with her) and so of course I didn't like the girl. He always disregarded my feelings and would usually choose to do things with her instead of with me. And he's 10 years older than me! I wish more guys that age had better sense that what he had. If you choose to stay with him, you're just going to become more and more insecure and suspicious, just as I did. And you guys will continue to fight over it, just as me and my ex did. I mean, how dare he?? With an ex?? No ma'am. NOOOO MA'AM." I forgot to add, I suspected he was in love with her and her own husband thought they had an affair going for the longest and mutual friends started saying the same thing. I was definitely not just an insecure person reading into things that weren't happening. They were. Almost everyone who knew him thought he was in love with her. Still to this day, even though he's tried to get me back twice since he BU with me, even now I'm still convinced that he's in love with her. But he can't have her because she's married. Now I know you're situation's a little different because his ex is available and would take him back in an instant but what if he thinks she wouldn't and that's why he's with you ? What if he just wants to have his cake and eat it too ? That's what I think it is. Sooner or later something will happen between them again, whether you're still with him or not. I just hope you do what's best for you. Whatever that means for you. Edited December 29, 2014 by me85
Author icerose Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 Now I know you're situation's a little different because his ex is available and would take him back in an instant but what if he thinks she wouldn't and that's why he's with you ? What if he just wants to have his cake and eat it too ? That's what I think it is. Sooner or later something will happen between them again, whether you're still with him or not. No, he knows that she still loves him and would take him back anytime. She has written him a letter twice to ask him to get back together, one last year and one four months ago. Yea, one the one side I have the same fear- What if one day we have a huge fight and he decides to go to her? Who knows. And even if not, I know that I cannot accept him having her in his life under these conditions. I'm quite understanding actually, I wouldn't mind him having her in his life as an actual friend, like talking to her every few months or so, but only under the condition that he tells her about me and that he's absolutely open about our relationship, which he is not at the moment. If roles were reversed I know that we wouldn't even have that problem. If my bf was sad and insecure etc about me being close to my ex and knowing that I never told my ex about him, I would totally understand and either cut all bonds to the ex or tell the ex about my boyfriend (or both). Well, I wouldn't even be in a situation like that because I know it's wrong. And knowing that he doesn't seem to care hurts a lot.
elaine567 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 It is not that the ex exists in your relationship, (most have exes, somewhere in their lives, some have ongoing friendships with exes too) or even that she is still in love with him, it is the fact he hasn't told her about you, that is the big red flag here IMO. Along with the fact he seems to be getting pissed off WITH YOU, I am not sure why he should be taking that stance. 1
BC1980 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Update- I've been back for almost two days now. This morning I brought up the topic again, asking him in a very nice qay if his ex is still in town and if he wants us to visit her latee. He got directly angry, said that i just wanna force him to see her with me and that no, now he just prefers to not see her at all. I told him that this isn't a normal friendship at all, if he prefers to not see her at all instead of bringing his girlfriend. He didn't agree with anything I said, just got more mad and then just started ignoring me completly. I just couldn't help myself but start to cry, which he didn't seem to care about. Right now I think it's probably the best to break up. He cares about his own ego and being right more than he cares about the relationship. You gave him a compromise and said you could go see the ex together. You didn't forbid him to see her again. He refuses to even compromise. Most people wouldn't insist on going to see an ex. Most people would realize that is inappropriate. And he doesn't even care that you started to cry? Jeez. 2
Author icerose Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 (edited) He cares about his own ego and being right more than he cares about the relationship. You gave him a compromise and said you could go see the ex together. You didn't forbid him to see her again. He refuses to even compromise. Most people wouldn't insist on going to see an ex. Most people would realize that is inappropriate. And he doesn't even care that you started to cry? Jeez. When I suggested him to see her with him he just said he now doesn't wanna see her at all because I told him I didn't want him to. I explained him that I don't mind him seeing her if I come with him and he just got pissed about it. And yea, he didn't care at all. It's been hours now and he's still completely ignoring me, sitting in front of the tv watching a comedy show, laughing all the time. It pisses me off so much that he doesn't seem to care at all while I'm feeling really bad. I'm now ignoring him too, but I don't see why I should be the person who starts the conversation AGAIN. Edited December 29, 2014 by icerose
me85 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 When I suggested him to see her with him he just said he now doesn't wanna see her at all because I told him I didn't want him to. I explained him that I don't mind him seeing her if I come with him and he just got pissed about it. And yea, he didn't care at all. It's been hours now and he's still completely ignoring me, sitting in front of the tv watching a comedy show, laughing all the time. It pisses me off so much that he doesn't seem to care at all while I'm feeling really bad. I'm now ignoring him too, but I don't see why I should be the person who starts the conversation AGAIN. How often do you guys fight? Over this situation or otherwise…?
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