Author icerose Posted December 25, 2014 Author Posted December 25, 2014 Well, we have talked about marriage, but not real plans. To be honest, I'm not one of these women who really has to get married asap. It's not that important to me. I don't mind to buy a house with someoneI'm not married to, as long as I know we're planning a future. I'd be fine with getting married in a few years when we plan kids. And actually, in case of splitting up, it's easier to separate things then when married. If not married: Each one gets his part- I pay him his part if I stay in the house or the other way around. OR both sell the house and each one gets his part. If married: More complicated, as far as I heard. Not being married is not the problem here for me. The problem is that he doesn't seem to respect my feelings towards his ex and that he doesn't seem to want to cut her out of his life. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 I agree with the others - do not buy a house with him. That would be extremely unwise, especially given the current circumstances. Warning bells are clanging for a reason here. He is so hell-bent on seeing his ex that he disregards your feelings, and yet wants you to consider making a huge financial commitment to him? I don't think so. The dynamic in this relationship is very unhealthy. 5
lil hoodlum Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 I understand that the marriage thing isn't your main cocern at this point for you. You have let him know your position on this. He DOES get it even though he is brushing it off. This isn't his first rodeo. It is now on him what he does next. I do however think you need to start putting on the brakes with everything. These really are some giant red flags flapping wildly in the wind. 2
Gloria25 Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 (edited) Well, we have talked about marriage, but not real plans. To be honest, I'm not one of these women who really has to get married asap. It's not that important to me. I don't mind to buy a house with someoneI'm not married to, as long as I know we're planning a future. I'd be fine with getting married in a few years when we plan kids. And actually, in case of splitting up, it's easier to separate things then when married. If not married: Each one gets his part- I pay him his part if I stay in the house or the other way around. OR both sell the house and each one gets his part. If married: More complicated, as far as I heard. Not being married is not the problem here for me. The problem is that he doesn't seem to respect my feelings towards his ex and that he doesn't seem to want to cut her out of his life. OMG, how else does a man demonstrate his commitment then? I mean, look at your current situation. You are with some guy for 2.5 years, "planning" this or that (including buying a house) and how has that worked out for you? You say marriage is not important, but you want this guy to be treating you at a certain level and the way you're going about it now (w/o marriage) he is not treating you like someone he values and/or respects. Marriage is there for a reason - to protect women and the kids women have with a guy. BTW, some people get married and wait to have kids. Cuz, being friends, working with, dating, sleeping with, shacking up with, and actual "marriage" are all different animals. There's a change in mindset, emotions, legalities and finances that happen at each of these instances. Even Angelina Jolie, who married after being with Brad several years, having kids, etc. admitted that being married is "different". Marriage, as much as people wanna play/pretend that it's "just a piece of paper" actually stands for something. Like the guy said in elaine567's video. Would you go to work with someone and they say, 'ok, keep on coming in and working and then we'll see how this goes?' No, you want that employer to give you a written job offer/contract that lists salary, expectations, duties etc. That is what marriage is, it's the real deal. No longer, let's just date and see where this goes. Also, with marriage comes "pre-marital" counseling. So, you sit down and actually have deep serious conversations about kids, marriage, finances, religion, etc. Then, you get married and wait to have kids, watch and see how they act. Again, you can get married now and wait to have kids. That's what I'd do - but I'm going on 40, so not planning to have kids cuz if I got married right now and added three years, by then I'd be too old to have kids w/o risk. BTW, right now I'm too old to have kids w/o some sort of risk happening (i.e. down syndrome) and I couldn't risk a child like that. Not fair to the child. Edited December 25, 2014 by Gloria25
darkmoon Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 ask him to buy you a ring, a symbol of your bond, not engagement necerssarily... see what he does...you need to know he is putting you first... you also have the right to her number, as either you are a close couple or you are not...you are his girl she is not...different and better rules therefore apply to you 1
Gloria25 Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 ask him to buy you a ring, a symbol of your bond, not engagement necerssarily... see what he does...you need to know he is putting you first... you also have the right to her number, as either you are a close couple or you are not...you are his girl she is not...different and better rules therefore apply to you Isn't that something like a "promise" ring? Kids do that. Look, even engagement rings don't mean a thing till you have an actual date for a wedding. Some guys just buy you an engagement ring to shut you up. Then years go by and still no date for a marriage. A ring doesn't mean a thing if there's nothing behind it....Again, another instance of "almost doesn't count". 2
lil hoodlum Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 Gloria25 and I agree on what a marriage is, however marriage and being married means different things to different people sadly. To some people, it really isn't much more than a piece of paper. Others have no respect for a marriage and do whatever they want, whenever they want to, and with whomever is willing. Icerose isn't standing before this bridge yet. Her issue is her long-term boyfriend prioritizing an ex-girlfriend over her and jeopardizing the trust in the relationship. 1
Author icerose Posted December 25, 2014 Author Posted December 25, 2014 From what do I have to protect myself? I'm financially independent and I'm planning to stay like this. But yes, when I have kids I'd like to be married. Wouldn't that also mean that I don't show my commitment to him, because I didn't tell him that I really wanna get married to him now to show him my commitment? I think a couple can be committed to each other without being married (which doesn't mean I don't wanna get married at some point). But I'm also reconsidering the whole buying a house thing now since I see how important it seems to be to him to visit his ex girlfriend, which is a big no go for me. If I was going to meet my ex-boyfriend (which I wouldn't do anyway) and my boyfriend would tell me that he's not comfortable with this, I would not do it. He's more important to me. And I expect the same from him, to make me his priority. He says I am, but at the moment I don't see that. To show me that I'm his priority would also be a commitment from him to me. He could also get married to me and act the exact same way, which would show he's not committed to me although he married me.
darkmoon Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 (edited) Isn't that something like a "promise" ring? Kids do that. Look, even engagement rings don't mean a thing till you have an actual date for a wedding. Some guys just buy you an engagement ring to shut you up. Then years go by and still no date for a marriage. A ring doesn't mean a thing if there's nothing behind it....Again, another instance of "almost doesn't count". i feel sorry for OP and my hope was only that he proves he is more loyal to OP than to her, she is not offering to bow out though she should Edited December 25, 2014 by darkmoon
Gloria25 Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 (edited) From what do I have to protect myself? I'm financially independent and I'm planning to stay like this. But yes, when I have kids I'd like to be married. Marriage protects you cuz often a woman sacrifices her means to obtain income (i.e. schooling and/or a job/career) to tend to a family and kids. Unless you're gonna be one of those females content with dropping off a two month old at daycare. Also, what if you have a difficult pregnancy and have to be put on bedrest? You lose your ability to bring income into the home. Then, when you have kids. If he decides he wants to mess with his ex and diss you all, you can divorce him. Again, even with women having jobs and all - unless you're making mega bucks, it still takes usually a man's income and presence to help raise those kids. Marriage "secures" that - even when it goes sour, marriage is an incentive for people to work it out or end up losing their family and going to court. Wouldn't that also mean that I don't show my commitment to him, because I didn't tell him that I really wanna get married to him now to show him my commitment? No, it could mean to him that you are settling for less cuz you're desperate. A "man" would call it off if you didn't want to marry him. Remember Sex and the City where Aiden called off the engagement? He was like 'you don't even wear that ring on your finger'. He didn't settle for Carrie's version of commitment and Aiden was right. Deep down inside Carrie still wanted Mr. Big...she didn't wanna marry Aiden. Oh, I think I get this...You not wanting marriage is why he's talking to the ex? Right? Well, if this indeed was the case - why not has he responded with something like "you don't want to be committed with me, so I'm a free man? Or, why not just end it - like Aiden did? Again, watch the video. Too easy for us to blame ourselves for someone else's poor behavior. I think a couple can be committed to each other without being married (which doesn't mean I don't wanna get married at some point). But I'm also reconsidering the whole buying a house thing now since I see how important it seems to be to him to visit his ex girlfriend, which is a big no go for me. If I was going to meet my ex-boyfriend (which I wouldn't do anyway) and my boyfriend would tell me that he's not comfortable with this, I would not do it. He's more important to me. And I expect the same from him, to make me his priority. He says I am, but at the moment I don't see that. To show me that I'm his priority would also be a commitment from him to me. He could also get married to me and act the exact same way, which would show he's not committed to me although he married me. Ok, I'm not gonna beat a dead horse here. It appears that you want the respect and consideration a "wife" would have - yet you don't want to get married. Well, again, apparently the way you've been doing it with this guy isn't working. Maybe it's time to consider different forms of commitment (i.e. marriage)? Also, I think you're mixing up "exclusiveness" with "commitment". Until you get married, you can be "exclusive" (not seeing others) all day. When you get "married" you ARE "committing" to someone. Also, you say you want to get married by the time you're ready for kids. Wouldn't it be smarter/safer to get married and have kids like two-three years later? Again, a lot of people do that cuz once you get married it's "official" - not the same as dating. Think of marrying and waiting two-three years to have kids as sort of a way of training a horse before the big race. Are you just gonna grab a horse and show up at the race? Nope, same thing with marriage. I wanna see how you are as a "husband" (not a bf and/or a "partner - which sounds like a business arrangement"). But, I'm done here. I said my opinions. Some people wanna put the cart before the horse - yet somehow expect the horse to push a cart when horse is designed to drag a cart. Edited December 25, 2014 by Gloria25
Author icerose Posted December 25, 2014 Author Posted December 25, 2014 Ok, I'm not gonna beat a dead horse here. It appears that you want the respect and consideration a "wife" would have - yet you don't want to get married. Well, again, apparently the way you've been doing it with this guy isn't working. Maybe it's time to consider different forms of commitment (i.e. marriage)? Also, I think you're mixing up "exclusiveness" with "commitment". Until you get married, you can be "exclusive" (not seeing others) all day. When you get "married" you ARE "committing" to someone. Also, you say you want to get married by the time you're ready for kids. Wouldn't it be smarter/safer to get married and have kids like two-three years later? Again, a lot of people do that cuz once you get married it's "official" - not the same as dating. Think of marrying and waiting two-three years to have kids as sort of a way of training a horse before the big race. Are you just gonna grab a horse and show up at the race? Nope, same thing with marriage. I wanna see how you are as a "husband" (not a bf and/or a "partner - which sounds like a business arrangement"). But, I'm done here. I said my opinions. Some people wanna put the cart before the horse - yet somehow expect the horse to push a cart when horse is designed to drag a cart. I'm not against marriage, I just never felt like I have to rush into it. I always felt like I love this man and wanna spend my life with him, so we have plenty of years to get married, so why not wait another two or three years. I'm 'only' 27. He knows I wanna marry him one day, so he doest think he's a free man. Well, I'm def not one of those women who put their baby to daycare. I work self-employed, so I work from home 90% of the time. But having a baby would obviously change that anyway and I couldn't handle the same workload as I do now. But I admit you got your point there. I mean, why not getting married actually. I'm not waiting for anything and we're both financially stable and not early twenties anymore. Maybe it's because most of my friends aren't married yet (by the way, almost all of his friends are married) and I have many friends who have been with their SO for 2-5 years and didn't get married yet. Maybe I considered it as pretty normal to not be married yet. Isn't it to soon to expect a proposal after just 2.5 years of relationship? Disregarding of course at what's happening right now. If he continues to disregard my feelings, obviously I don't want marriage or anything.
Zahara Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 Has he responded to you? When was he planning to visit the ex?
Author icerose Posted December 25, 2014 Author Posted December 25, 2014 Has he responded to you? When was he planning to visit the ex? He didn't tell me when he would visit her, he just told me 'these days'- I'll be back in town Saturday night, so I assume he was planning today, tomorrow or on Saturday. And well, more or less he responded. While we were skyping, he told me he's going to watch a movie in the theatre with his two cousins who are staying at his parents' apt for Xmas (before I brought up his ex again). So he responded to what I wrote saying I shouldn't see a threat in her and that of course he cares about my feelings and respects me and that of course she knows about me. I then responded that maybe she knows, but that he has never told her about me and we both know that. If she was just a normal friend, there wouldn't be any problem telling her about me and maybe even me meeting her. He then wrote back that I have a point there. Nothing afterwards. I assume that he's in the theatre now with his cousins, but at the same time I wonder of course if he isn't at her place now..
elaine567 Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 Personally I would be slightly concerned as to why he has decided to go see her. Texting, emails, skype etc means that it is very possible to keep in touch wthout actually meeting a person. I know they both live in the same city, is it possible they have frequent meet ups anyway and because she cannot physically make it right now, he has had to go and see her. Broken legs are not serious, I am at a loss why they need to meet face to face anyway.
Zahara Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 If she was just a normal friend, there wouldn't be any problem telling her about me and maybe even me meeting her. He then wrote back that I have a point there. Nothing afterwards. I assume that he's in the theatre now with his cousins, but at the same time I wonder of course if he isn't at her place now.. It's disturbing that you have to go through all this for him to "understand" the point. His lack of any type of concrete response is most likely him passively 1) ignoring your request 2) sweeping it under the rug -- hoping you'll just forget about it and move on from this. 2
Author icerose Posted December 25, 2014 Author Posted December 25, 2014 Personally I would be slightly concerned as to why he has decided to go see her. Texting, emails, skype etc means that it is very possible to keep in touch wthout actually meeting a person. I know they both live in the same city, is it possible they have frequent meet ups anyway and because she cannot physically make it right now, he has had to go and see her. Broken legs are not serious, I am at a loss why they need to meet face to face anyway. At the moment she actually lives in another country, but just til next summer. Before that, I honestly don't think that they had meet ups. He's either at work or with me and he basically takes me everywhere (there are no 'guys nights' or so). And after all, I do trust him and don't think he would be doing that. I mean he also just could have met her now without even telling me anything upfront.
Author icerose Posted December 25, 2014 Author Posted December 25, 2014 It's disturbing that you have to go through all this for him to "understand" the point. His lack of any type of concrete response is most likely him passively 1) ignoring your request 2) sweeping it under the rug -- hoping you'll just forget about it and move on from this. Yea, I was thinking the same. Tomorrow he'll probably act totally normal as if nothing happened and hopes I forgot about it. I mean, that's what he also did today after I told him yesterday already that I'm not comfortable with this. But def not going to forget about it until we solve this, whatever that means. 1
lauren13 Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 Where's smoke there's usually fire. I personally wouldn't be so upset that he is going to see her (although, to be fair, broken leg isn't really anykind of emergency), I'd be more upset that he didn't personally tell her about you (that is a big red flag IMHO). I have been (somewhat good) friends with ex's before and I've never had any problems telling them about my new bf - if there would be a problem, it'd be because there'd still be feelings. He can't think it's acceptable to prioritize her feelings over yours; if he does then there's still some unresolved feelings from his end. But that's just my opinion. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 Wait, what? This girl doesn't know about you? I must've missed something in your initial post because I didn't realize that. Girl. If that's the case, this is so much worse than you realize. 1
Author icerose Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 Wait, what? This girl doesn't know about you? I must've missed something in your initial post because I didn't realize that. Girl. If that's the case, this is so much worse than you realize. Yea. Well, I don't know if she knows about me. My bf says yes, of course she knows- She's good friends with his brother (who I know and see like once a week), plus some of her friends know that he has me. That's what he says. I have no idea if anyone of them ever told her. Maybe nobody wants to hurt her, so the people who know just don't tell her (his brother included- I mean why would he tell her?). He admits that he has never told her about me. His only argument is- as I said- that she knows about me anyway. And that' supposed to be enough. I don't think so. That's basically the problem- I think I wouldn't even mind if he he was going to see her IF I knew her, she knew me, sees that my boyfriend is with me and talks about me to her sometimes. But the fact that he never told her about me AND goes to see her ALTHOUGH he knows she still wants more... that is so wrong and it's driving me crazy that he doesn't get that or pretends that he doesn't.
Gloria25 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Yea. Well, I don't know if she knows about me. My bf says yes, of course she knows- She's good friends with his brother (who I know and see like once a week), plus some of her friends know that he has me. That's what he says. I have no idea if anyone of them ever told her. Maybe nobody wants to hurt her, so the people who know just don't tell her (his brother included- I mean why would he tell her?). He admits that he has never told her about me. His only argument is- as I said- that she knows about me anyway. And that' supposed to be enough. I don't think so. That's basically the problem- I think I wouldn't even mind if he he was going to see her IF I knew her, she knew me, sees that my boyfriend is with me and talks about me to her sometimes. But the fact that he never told her about me AND goes to see her ALTHOUGH he knows she still wants more... that is so wrong and it's driving me crazy that he doesn't get that or pretends that he doesn't. Then call the meeting to order... Tell your bf that you picked up a nice care basket for her and want to drop it off - in person, with him. If he won't agree to it. Get her address from his friends, get a girlfriend of yours and go visit her yourself w/o telling your bf. Show up with the basket, be warm and friendly. The girlfriend you are taking is to be a witness in case it gets ugly and to hold you back from doing something stupid (in case your emotions go wild). THEN, you can meet her, she meets you - you all can have tea and go from there. Problem solved. Your BF cannot get mad about this. Cuz, you're just a "friend" dropping off a care-basket, cuz like him, she had an "emergency" and you feel bad for her too. 1
Winterina Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 They are apparently very close still. She does not know about you which makes it hard to believe that they are just friends... I mean, he is probably not cheating but friends tell each other about each others significant others. This is a threat to you and it is completely natural. This is clearly ruining your relationship as it would ruin anyone's. There is not much space for emotional intimacy with someone who is putting his ex and her feelings ahead of you. Do not throw everything just yet. If talking nicely did not help, then make it his decision which one of you two will he keep in his life. Tell him you want him to cut all ties with her (which, in all honesty, seems to be the only way for you to feel at peace) and make it a choice between her and you. If he choses her or gives you guilt trip for feeling what you are feeling, then he is not the guy for you and you are better off without him. Finally, give him this thread to read. If he thinks you are exaggerating, he cannot say it for everyone here.
Gloria25 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 They are apparently very close still. She does not know about you which makes it hard to believe that they are just friends... I mean, he is probably not cheating but friends tell each other about each others significant others. This is a threat to you and it is completely natural. This is clearly ruining your relationship as it would ruin anyone's. There is not much space for emotional intimacy with someone who is putting his ex and her feelings ahead of you. Do not throw everything just yet. If talking nicely did not help, then make it his decision which one of you two will he keep in his life. Tell him you want him to cut all ties with her (which, in all honesty, seems to be the only way for you to feel at peace) and make it a choice between her and you. If he choses her or gives you guilt trip for feeling what you are feeling, then he is not the guy for you and you are better off without him. Finally, give him this thread to read. If he thinks you are exaggerating, he cannot say it for everyone here. Another thing, WTH about this "oh, he and/or his friends don't wanna hurt the ex's feeeeelings?" Well, geesh, how nice of him and his friends for leading his ex on and making his ex think she still has a chance with him. Wouldn't the best thing be to let his ex know he has a gf, he is NOT interested in the ex, so the ex can get the "sign" if you will to move on and be happy in her life?
No Limit Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 He hasn't let go of his ex. Red flag for me, and instant dump. 2
Gloria25 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 He hasn't let go of his ex. Red flag for me, and instant dump. Exactly, but I guess no one's figured this out yet.
Recommended Posts