I feel like an *******

[the actuary]

To begin, I'm 24 and my gf is 22. We have been dating for a year about a week ago. It has been great. Everyone has their things that are annoying but in general it has been great.

For the past couple months, however, there have been some serious problems. We have been arguing a lot, and it has escalated to a degree of not just bickering but she throws the worst words at me (She is quite aware about how it affects me but still persists because I hurt her.) More recently, a few days ago, we went out to celebrate a certification that I had just passed. It was the day after our anniversary, and yet it still got got really bad.

What happened: From the start she showed like she was not interested in being there with my friends and ended up getting a little tipsy and left calling me an *******. I had no idea what happened and followed her outside. There she started to verbally abuse me and then hit me with all of her force (she has never hit me, nor have I hit her.) I wanted to talk but she showed no signs of wanting to; there was just yelling about going back to those bitches (my friends) because all they want is to **** me.

On a side note OUR PROBLEMS: I am not a perfect person, I never claim to be, so when I state issues about what she does, it may seem like I'm narrow minded but I am just expressing my thoughts. She is EXTREMELY jealous. She basically questions any woman that I have contact with. Upon seeing a female friend texting me, she will throw a fit and be closed and not talk to me and leave. She has done this on thanksgiving when I texted some friends happy thanksgiving, it happened on my birthday when SHE invited a female friend of mine and later I heard about how she sat next to me...

 

So back to that last fight : A day after the fighting, two days ago, we talk, and she explains that she is feeling blank and has this huge fight and breakdown opened her eyes. She basically lists everything I have ever told her and admits to me that it is a problem that she has to work on. Yesterday I go to her house and tell her that I can't do this. I completely break down, she breaks down. She essentially begs me not to leave that she will do anything. That she has realized how wrong she is and what she has been doing and how much of a bitch she has been. Begs me to think it over, that she'll give me some space.

 

My problem: My parents don't know her... (She has met them once. Has seen them a few times and has made no attempt to talk. I have tried to get her to get to know my parents and she has refused.. her reasons changing from shes stressed to shes scared of rejection) They do not like her. I know parents do this, but I trust their opinion and my dad has brought up many valid points to me during his honest heart felt warnings for me. Some of my friends don't like her now because of this breakdown and they tell me to gtfo. Some have told me that they found something weird from the beginning. Some liked her before, but told me to gtfo at this point.

 

I come for advice. I am emotional and easily manipulated... Its a problem that I'm learning to overcome. I have been pushed to the point that I am broken. But I feel like I'm letting her down. Can people change this quickly? I have tried before and she always just pushed me away and now all of a sudden she is not wanting to let me go. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore... We shared so much...

 

Any words will help. Please.

[Mandalorian]

Simply gtfo.

 

She hit you. She isn't worth your time anymore. She stepped over a line and now she has i'm sure she'll step over it again in the future.

 

Gtfo.

[PaperCrane]

Simply gtfo.

 

She hit you. She isn't worth your time anymore. She stepped over a line and now she has i'm sure she'll step over it again in the future.

 

Gtfo.

 

I agree. Physical abuse is never justified. Leave and be happy for it. Like you said, you've been manipulated.

[Zahara]

I am emotional and easily manipulated... Its a problem that I'm learning to overcome.

 

How do you overcome when you remain in an unhealthy and toxic situation? All you are doing is enabling and feeding it.

 

I have been pushed to the point that I am broken.

 

If that's the case, don't you think it would be time to remove yourself from what ails you?

 

But I feel like I'm letting her down.

 

The only person you are letting down is yourself. She's a grown woman. She's responsible for her own actions and repercussions. "Letting her down" goes back to you being easily manipulated and controlled.

 

Can people change this quickly?

 

It's likely she never changed but this is who she actually is. If everyone is telling you something is wrong and that she is bad for you, chances are all these people cannot be wrong. She is verbally abusive, she physically hit you, she insults you, she is controlling -- there was no change. She's always been this person. Sometimes people don't show you who they really are but soon enough it emerges.

 

I have tried before and she always just pushed me away and now all of a sudden she is not wanting to let me go. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore... We shared so much...

 

She wants you back because she's losing her puppy dog. She's losing control. When you want her, she inflates. Ups her nose at you. When you leave, she deflates. Begs for you back. It's a cycle.

[Elle1975]

If you were a woman and came here telling me your bf hit you, I'd tell you to leave him. The advice is valid regardless of your gender. Hitting you was not acceptable. Does she realize you could have easily called the police on her?

 

You seem to have a good relationship with your dad. Listen to his advice. Usually parents don't give advice to get in the way of their children's lives, but because they truly try to guide them in the right direction.

 

Enjoy the relationship that you have with your family. She isn't part of your loving world, and considering her aggressive behavior, she has no interest in being part of it.

 

You aren't letting her down. It is not your mission or your responsibility to fix her. My guess is that you are a loving person, and she's preying on it, or is simply attracted to your light.

 

Understand that your compassion can be a weakness. In her case, she isn't deserving of it.

[the actuary]

Thanks for the comments. Its hard to know someone's story just with a few paragraphs in a forum. But I guess I'm coming here to get another validation of my decision.

 

Ya that hitting thing... It literally flipped a switch... End of respect. Goodbye.

 

I completely agree with you Zahara... I show compassion when she throws a fit and she pushes me away, I tell her I'm done with her bs and she runs after me.

 

Idk why I react to people's behavior with such disrespect to myself.

 

Thanks again.

[Danda]

Hmm that intense jealousy, roller coaster push-pull behavior and then (most importantly) the extreme dysregulated emotion (mainly rage) (and that is so bad she gets violent) all suggest BPD to me. It's a spectrum disorder, so it gets thrown around a lot when anyone even seems to have some mild tendencies of it. But in this case I'd put money down on it, given what you describe. The problem with BPD is that it ever-escalates. Until she does some long, hard work on herself and gets professional help in order to heal, her fear (more like sheer terror) of abandonment (you cheating) will continue to escalate, and so will her rage, and then so will her aggressive behavior.

 

If you continue to stay in contact with her, you will be doing her a massive disservice and harm. You will keep her in a situation in which she never has to face the reality of her issues and instead will continue to get worse. Her hostility will continue to escalate, she will become increasingly unstable and being deeper and deeper buried in the self-loathing and guilt from her inexcusable behaviors. The most compassionate thing you can do for her is to go No Contact, and hopefully reality will hit her hard enough to motivate her to start facing her inner demons.

 

Most people will give you good advice on why you need to go No Contact for yourself, but you seem to be grappling with guilt, so that's why I'm letting you know, in no uncertain terms, that the kindest thing you can do for her is to cut her off.

[Downtown]

Actuary (i.e., risk assessor), welcome to the LoveShack forum. I agree with Danda that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, physical abuse, lack of impulse control, low self esteem, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

She is EXTREMELY jealous. She basically questions any woman that I have contact with.... she will throw a fit and be closed and not talk to me and leave.

If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), that irrational jealousy is to be expected because a BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment. A BPDer typically lives in fear that, once you discover how empty she is inside, you will stop loving her and abandon her. She therefore typically will exhibit strong jealousy over harmless actions and events. And she will be very controlling to prevent you from wandering. Moreover, to make such control much easier, a BPDer usually will try to isolate you away from your family members and close friends -- so you have no support network that will disagree with her.

 

She started to verbally abuse me and then hit me with all of her force.

Intense, inappropriate anger is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. If your GFis a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. Indeed, a hospital study of spousal batterers found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See the hospital study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers.

 

Can people change this quickly?

Yes, these rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde are one of the hallmarks of BPDers (and, to a lesser extent, of narcissists). These rapid changes likely are the result of black-white thinking. If your GF has strong BPD traits, she almost certainly is exhibiting this type of thinking often because she never learned how to integrate the good and bad aspects of her own personality.

 

The result is that a BPDer is extremely uncomfortable with experiencing strong mixed feelings about people or things. Similarly, she will be uncomfortable with all grey areas such as ambiguities and uncertainties in interpersonal relationships. This is why a BPDer will view you as "always" or "never" doing something. This also is why a BPDer tends to categorize everyone as "all good" (with me) or "all bad" (against me) -- and can flip from one polar extreme view to the other in just ten seconds, based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

And this is one reason BPDers have great difficulty in ever compromising or working toward a mutually satisfying solution. Instead, they usually want it done their way -- with no modifications -- or throw their hands up and say, "Okay, have it your way." In this way, they tend to view all solutions and resolutions as a zero-sum game, either they win or you win and they lose. Like I said, BPDers have difficulty dealing with the grey areas between the polar extremes when it comes to close, interpersonal relationships. The negotiating and social skills a BPDer exhibits all day long with strangers and business associates at work will disappear when she comes home to you because, as a loved one, you pose a threat to both of her fears.

 

BPD is believed to be caused by a combination of genetics (which sets up a predisposition to BPD) and childhood trauma. Significantly, the trauma is believed to occur before the age of five, with the result that the child's emotional development is frozen at the level of a 3 or 4 year old. This means the child never had the opportunity to integrate the good and bad aspects of her own personality. It also means that she is stuck having to rely -- for a lifetime -- on the primitive ego defenses that are available to very young children. These include projection, black-white thinking, magical thinking, temper tantrums, and denial.

 

We have been dating for a year about a week ago. It has been great.... For the past couple months, however, there have been some serious problems.

If your GF has strong BPD traits, they likely would have started showing themselves about 4 to 6 months into the relationship. Until then, her infatuation would have held her two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at bay. When the infatuation started to evaporate, however, those fears would have returned and you would have started triggering them -- resulting in a sudden release of her anger or jealousy. Hence, if she really is a BPDer, you are lucky to have gotten 9 months into the relationship before seeing any serious problems.

 

I don't know what I'm thinking anymore... I have been pushed to the point that I am broken.

Actuary, if you've been dating a BPDer for a year and only feel confused and "broken," consider yourself lucky. Many folks in such a relationship feel like they may be losing their minds. Indeed, of the 157 disorders listed in APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy. The result is that therapists see far more of those abused partners coming in -- to find out if they are really going crazy -- than is ever seen of the BPDers themselves.

 

I have tried before and she always just pushed me away and now all of a sudden she is not wanting to let me go.

Another hallmark of BPDer relationships is a repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back. This cycle occurs because a BPDer's two great fears are abandonment and engulfment, which lie at the opposite ends of the VERY SAME SPECTRUM. This means that, as you draw near to her to comfort her and assure her of your love, your intimacy will trigger her great fear of engulfment -- a suffocating feeling of being controlled. She therefore will create a big fight -- over nothing at all -- in order to push you away.

 

Yet, as you back away to avoid triggering that fear by giving her breathing space, you necessarily are drawing closer to triggering her other fear: that of abandonment. Importantly, there is no safe midpoints position where you can safely stand and avoid triggering both fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which doesn't exist.

 

I come for advice.

My advice is to listen to the advice you've already been given by your friends and parents, who are advising you to leave her. Yet, if you are still reluctant to do that, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid opinion on what it is you've been dealing with. Importantly, BPD is not something a person "has" or "does not have." Instead, it is a "spectrum disorder" that everyone has to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you are capable of spotting any strong warning signs that are occurring if you take a little time to see what behaviors are on the list. Recognizing these signs is not difficult -- especially after dating a woman for a year -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, physical abuse, irrational jealousy, and always being "The Victim."

 

I therefore suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a quick look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings any bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Actuary, and have a great Christmas tomorrow!

Edited December 25, 2014 by Downtown

[Satu]

The relationship is not viable at this point.

 

She needs help, but not from you.

 

Delete, block, forget.

[the actuary]

Downtown.

 

Thanks for all of that. I do constantly feel like I'm walking on eggshells... I made a joke 3 weeks ago and she exploded about how I how I'm into her friend... Jeez it makes you want to explode.

 

I guess I always try to rationalize her behavior... As in oh she's self conscious and she's scared and she just loves me and is scared to lose me... And it seems like all of this is true... but it's to an unhealthy degree.

[the actuary]

I need to completely break it too... She is constantly calling me today and texting me about how she loves me. And I know she does... and I love her... but this is not healthy... And I don't want to make the naive decision to think that someone is going to change in one day.