CoolBurn Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 I am aware this may sound really clingy of me but I think it's smarter I vent on here than make a fight out of something I might regret later. Tonight my boyfriend went out with his college friends. He told me it would be him, one male and one female friend (both of which I've previously met) and I was completely fine with it, I mean I didn't even ask who he's going out with, he notified me on his own. Later on in the night, he texts me to see how I'm doing. It had been two hours since he went out. I casually asked if it was still just the three of them, and he said no, another colleague (female) had joined them. I've never met her before, nor has he mentioned her ever before. Apparently they used to 'hang out a lot' before. Now I really don't want to come off as jealous and controlling, but there's something that makes me uncomfortable about friend gatherings that look a lot like double dates and include people who I've never even heard of, let alone met. It's now been 5 hours since he went out (we don't live together or anything), and two hours since we last texted. I'm pissed about this but I know I better keep my mouth shut. What's your take on this?
Satu Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 That's red light you're looking at - right there, in front of you.
Author CoolBurn Posted December 24, 2014 Author Posted December 24, 2014 That's red light you're looking at - right there, in front of you. His behavior or my frustration? Is it me or him?
Satu Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 His behavior or my frustration? Is it me or him? It's him not you. You are right to be concerned.
Danda Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 Are there any other signs of possible cheating that are tipping your mind in that anxious direction? If not and it is just this one, isolated situation that is causing you distress, then I would lean towards doing some introspection to see if you have some underlying insecurity problems. There are several possibilities as to why this additional colleague joined them, other than it being a deliberate attempt to fool around on you. But if you do an honest scan for other troubling signs, then your gut reaction could be spot on. I can also understand how it would be easy to get wound up, given that (A) he didn't bring you along (why not?) and (B) he didn't offer any explanation as to why this additional peer joined them or anything about her. Usually when a partner values their relationship, they will go a bit out of their way to subtly reassure their SO when a situation could come across the wrong way. So given these two factors, again I can understand why you might have arced an eyebrow. But without knowing whether or not you have any reasons to be mistrusting or worried, it could really go either way as to whether or not your anxiety is logical. 3
Author CoolBurn Posted December 24, 2014 Author Posted December 24, 2014 Are there any other signs of possible cheating that are tipping your mind in that anxious direction? If not and it is just this one, isolated situation that is causing you distress, then I would lean towards doing some introspection to see if you have some underlying insecurity problems. There are several possibilities as to why this additional colleague joined them, other than it being a deliberate attempt to fool around on you. But if you do an honest scan for other troubling signs, then your gut reaction could be spot on. I can also understand how it would be easy to get wound up, given that (A) he didn't bring you along (why not?) and (B) he didn't offer any explanation as to why this additional peer joined them or anything about her. Usually when a partner values their relationship, they will go a bit out of their way to subtly reassure their SO when a situation could come across the wrong way. So given these two factors, again I can understand why you might have arced an eyebrow. But without knowing whether or not you have any reasons to be mistrusting or worried, it could really go either way as to whether or not your anxiety is logical. I don't think he would cheat on me, but it bothers me. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm uneasy on this.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 (edited) Without any additional context, it sounds like you're being insecure. Your boyfriend went out with old friends and another old friend joined them...but it "looks like a double date" (to whom?) with "people you've never even heard of" (they're old friends and probably haven't seen each other in years). It's not like you're married or even live together, so it's not as though you're expected to do everything together. He sent you a text message so he was clearly thinking of you. Did you expect he'd give you her complete biography while he's out at a restaurant or bar? You shouldn't fight about it, but you should bring it up. "I felt uncomfortable when you went out the other night. Do you think that's strange?" I'm sure he didn't realize it would upset you so much. An honest conversation will do you both good, and you'll feel much better once you get it out of your system. Edited December 24, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ 1
PaperCrane Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 I understand your worries, but by the sounds of it they aren't as bad as you imagine. You cannot know why how or when this came to fruition. You're imagining the worst because you value what you have, but remember this; half the world is populated by women. He will interact with women in social settings all of his life and he did as well before meeting you. She could be there to meet his male friend with the other lady as moral support, it could be just a meet up of old friends. The simplest explanation is most times the truth. The worst thing you can do is over analyze. Just relax. Speaking as a male, you're doing the clinger routine which will set off a flag with him if you're not able to look at this rationally. Just talk to him later and ask about the night and act interested in who he met. If you're too direct he's going to guard up regardless of scenario. 1
Author CoolBurn Posted December 25, 2014 Author Posted December 25, 2014 Without any additional context, it sounds like you're being insecure. Your boyfriend went out with old friends and another old friend joined them...but it "looks like a double date" (to whom?) with "people you've never even heard of" (they're old friends and probably haven't seen each other in years). It's not like you're married or even live together, so it's not as though you're expected to do everything together. He sent you a text message so he was clearly thinking of you. Did you expect he'd give you her complete biography while he's out at a restaurant or bar? You shouldn't fight about it, but you should bring it up. "I felt uncomfortable when you went out the other night. Do you think that's strange?" I'm sure he didn't realize it would upset you so much. An honest conversation will do you both good, and you'll feel much better once you get it out of your system. I know all his friends, and know his best stories and for the record, he's still in college. It's not like he graduated 20 years ago. What bothers me most is his reaction to my remark. I said it made me uncomfortable, and he completely blew up on me. I'm apparently accusing him of being 'a player and a cheat' just because I'm uncomfortable with the scenario. I do realize this might come off as jealousy, but it's not like that. I don't feel like someone will steal him from me, but I DO feel deeply offended and degraded if someone gets a wrong impression because of his bad judgment. The next thing that angers me is that I specifically had to ask if there's someone else there to get an answer. I do realize he could've lied, but what I got is the second-worst option. His reaction to the confrontation disappointed me even more, because I calmly explained the problem, and instead of reassuring me, he threw a fit. Something's not right, and I sincerely hope its just me being insecure.
Author CoolBurn Posted December 25, 2014 Author Posted December 25, 2014 I understand your worries, but by the sounds of it they aren't as bad as you imagine. You cannot know why how or when this came to fruition. You're imagining the worst because you value what you have, but remember this; half the world is populated by women. He will interact with women in social settings all of his life and he did as well before meeting you. She could be there to meet his male friend with the other lady as moral support, it could be just a meet up of old friends. The simplest explanation is most times the truth. The worst thing you can do is over analyze. Just relax. Speaking as a male, you're doing the clinger routine which will set off a flag with him if you're not able to look at this rationally. Just talk to him later and ask about the night and act interested in who he met. If you're too direct he's going to guard up regardless of scenario. I do not have a problem with him associating with women, but I do have a very big problem with someone getting the impression I'm the dumb girlfriend sitting at home with no idea what my boyfriend is up to. I'm not ok with him putting himself in situations which can be easily manipulated.
anna121 Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 I do not have a problem with him associating with women, but I do have a very big problem with someone getting the impression I'm the dumb girlfriend sitting at home with no idea what my boyfriend is up to. I'm not ok with him putting himself in situations which can be easily manipulated. who do you think would be getting this impression? 1
Author CoolBurn Posted December 25, 2014 Author Posted December 25, 2014 who do you think would be getting this impression? The friend I've never heard of. I'm assuming she's also not up to date with his relationship status, and when she does find out she'll assume she has him fooled. This already happened once, and rumors started spreading that he's chatting up this other girl. I do trust him, and rightfully so. But his actions are sometimes unthought of. They already put my intelligence and integrity at stake once, that's why I'm so disappointed.
PaperCrane Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 (edited) Edit: I was assuming past behavior lead to this, which it seems to have. If she's chatting him up, and she's tried this before, what was the outcome of that? Edited December 25, 2014 by PaperCrane 1
Author CoolBurn Posted December 25, 2014 Author Posted December 25, 2014 Edit: I was assuming past behavior lead to this, which it seems to have. If she's chatting him up, and she's tried this before, what was the outcome of that? It happened with another person unrelated to the story. My bf works in journalism and interacts with a lot of people daily. So this girl took the attention she was getting very personally, and started saying he was taking an interest in her, while he has a gf. Needless to say I was deeply offended for having him put himself in situations which allow others to question my integrity and intelligence. And he believes this argument is invalid and I'm just being jealous and needlessly bringing up old arguments, when to me it's basically the equivalent of WW2. Same mistakes, same war, just new people.
PaperCrane Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 Okay so....he did his job well as a journalist and the girl took it upon herself that there was interest? Also that she spread the word and not he? It sounds not so much that you're worried about your boyfriend and his actions, rather that you're worried about your personal image being tarnished by the words of someone whom you don't even know. Don't fret the small stuff. If people think less of you for trusting your boyfriend then they are people not worth the association.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 (edited) I'm about to head off to bed for Christmas Eve; you should too, or at least have a glass of wine and relax. I agree there's something really wrong in this situation. It's just not your boyfriend. I don't feel like someone will steal him from me, but I DO feel deeply offended and degraded if someone gets a wrong impression because of his bad judgment. You would be deeply offended and degraded IF someone who knew you guys walked by, saw him with other people and assumed that it was a date? His being in a situation with another single woman (and two other friends) is "bad judgment"? This isn't a healthy way to think. The next thing that angers me is that I specifically had to ask if there's someone else there to get an answer. You expected a detailed accounting of everyone he was out with at the time? I think it's pretty strange that you felt a need to ask "is someone else there?" in the first place. I do not have a problem with him associating with women, but I do have a very big problem with someone getting the impression I'm the dumb girlfriend sitting at home with no idea what my boyfriend is up to. Who has this impression? It sounds like you think people will walk by and look at him, look at the other girl, and assume you're being cheated on because you're a dumb girlfriend. Your anxiety is based on an incredibly elaborate (and extremely unlikely) fantasy in which passersby are deeply involved in your life and want to judge you for it. That's not healthy. I'm not ok with him putting himself in situations which can be easily manipulated. Manipulated how? By whom? Why? You are seeing conspiracies and malevolent forces where there are none. People are not plotting to steal your boyfriend and make you look like an idiot. Those kinds of thoughts are a serious red flag and need to be discussed with a therapist. I'm assuming she's also not up to date with his relationship status, and when she does find out she'll assume she has him fooled. So you haven't even been dating long enough that people don't know he's taken and you're flipping out to this degree? How would she have him fooled? "Ooh, he has a girlfriend, I'll fool him by..." ...sitting next to him at a restaurant? Talking? You say you've never met her but you've already decided she's out to "fool" him. This is clinical paranoia. This already happened once, and rumors started spreading that he's chatting up this other girl. I do trust him, and rightfully so. But his actions are sometimes unthought of. They already put my intelligence and integrity at stake once, that's why I'm so disappointed. We've established you guys haven't been together for that long, but he's supposed to lead his life around whether his actions could possibly be construed as being disrespectful of you? Your explanation of the situation with the other girl is genuinely worrisome. One girl briefly made some comments about your boyfriend and you think of it as a reflection on your "integrity and intelligence"? And you think this confusion is "basically WW2"? Doesn't that seem just a bit disproportionate? I agree he shouldn't have blown up at you. But you sound increasingly irrational, and I might be insulted too if someone accused me of bad judgment for daring to go out with old friends. A psychologist could help you understand the source of these feelings and help you manage them in the future. Edited December 25, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ
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