glamtran Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 Hi, I have been through quite a bit in my life, always been shy, only a select few friends at any given time, if that. Bit of an outcast. I never entered into a serious dating relationship that both parties wanted to pursue until I was 24. Since then I've been through two ugly breakups that I did not cope well with, a lot of drama with friends who always come and go, and have always struggled with lonliness and depression. Not having anyone 100% reliable. My family is like a soap opera, the members that are even still in the picture. When I've been in a relationship, I always look for an "out" I don't like guys who are overly family oriented, have a signifcant sexual/relationship past, etc there's ALWAYS something, even if I just go through a couple of dates with one person I write things off pretty quick. Can anyone relate? Makes the holidays a bit hard on me. I'm really thinking I should just pursue something casual or not bother at all, how can I cope with this? Do I just have high standards in what I want in a dating relationship? I just dont accept people. How can I get through this and hopefully grow my connections that will LAST??
Danda Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 I'm somewhat similar. I am kind of dysfunctional due to a jacked up childhood and also grapple with bipolar disorder. I think serious relationships are just too much for me if that's how I approach it. For me the best approach seems to be abandoning all expectations and concepts from the onset and just focusing on what feels right to me. I don't make promises or demands (aside from the very basics like respect and safety and so on). If I try to structure and plan any type of bond, things get a bit haywire for me. But if I just think in terms of.. I enjoy this person, so therefore I will spend time with them (or) I do not enjoy this person anymore, therefore I am going to fall off the grid - basically keep it really simple, natural and focused on my gut feelings, without leading anyone on (including myself), things turn out okay.
Author glamtran Posted December 24, 2014 Author Posted December 24, 2014 What if you really need somebody? It's a holiday, or need to do a midnight move, your boss yelled at you at work?
Satu Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 If you get your relationship with yourself sorted out, relationships with others will be better. You have both the desire for intimacy, and a fear of it. It's a major internal conflict. That is something that can be addressed in therapy. Go get some. 1
preraph Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 I agree that rather than nurture this facet of yourself that you feel is at times counterproductive, you should probably take it on in therapy and find out why this started.
JuneJulySeptember Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 Hi, I have been through quite a bit in my life, always been shy, only a select few friends at any given time, if that. Bit of an outcast. I never entered into a serious dating relationship that both parties wanted to pursue until I was 24. Since then I've been through two ugly breakups that I did not cope well with, a lot of drama with friends who always come and go, and have always struggled with lonliness and depression. Not having anyone 100% reliable. My family is like a soap opera, the members that are even still in the picture. When I've been in a relationship, I always look for an "out" I don't like guys who are overly family oriented, have a signifcant sexual/relationship past, etc there's ALWAYS something, even if I just go through a couple of dates with one person I write things off pretty quick. Can anyone relate? Makes the holidays a bit hard on me. I'm really thinking I should just pursue something casual or not bother at all, how can I cope with this? Do I just have high standards in what I want in a dating relationship? I just dont accept people. How can I get through this and hopefully grow my connections that will LAST?? I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. You say you suffer from loneliness and the holidays are hard for you, but you are quick to push people away and are quick with dealbreakers and are a bit nuts. That's kind of like complaining about how never lose weight but you keep stuffing yourself with burgers, pizza, and milkshakes. It's a little difficult for me to have sympathy for anybody like that because I am lonely too, I try hard, and give almost anybody decent a chance, but still am unable to find people in general.
shet Posted December 25, 2014 Posted December 25, 2014 "Dating" probably isn't for you, no. I'm similar and I find "dating" very much not for me. That is, this idea that we find a way to repeatedly meet new people whether that's OLD or real life, for the explicit purpose of trying each other on for size for a relationship, and our every meeting is predicated on that basis, and should our criteria not be met we shunt that person away and meet the next in line. Not only am I not built for such rapidfire emotional exploitation, but I don't want to be either. I would hate to be the person that can meet a new woman every week, or 3 a week, and coolly and casually rate them like ****ing Top Trumps cards based on ill informed surface impressions. Not a single one of my friends did a lot of "dating" before meeting their partners. I think one guy met one woman via OLD, and she was weird. They just met people in real life who they hit it off with. Some of them were single for years beforehand. This is dozens of people I'm talking about, of various ages.
Author glamtran Posted December 25, 2014 Author Posted December 25, 2014 Perhaps I should have worded it a bit better, I do feel lonely and I do have quick deal breakers. But, I do find people aren't all that interested in me either. I've tried sports, classes, getting another job, reconnecting with people from years ago. People just disappear if I don't write them off or look for faults.
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