What's your take on this?

[bobbyschmruda]

Hello all!

 

Lets say you're putting space between you and a person you've been intimately involved with (not yet a committed relationship). This person hasn't done anything that can't be worked out. You just feel like you've been getting mixed signals about what that person wants in the relationship (being hot and cold) and you just can't take the stress anymore so you walk away kinda. You sent him a letter (because you're a lame like that lol) laying out how hurt your are and all of your feelings about what went on. At the end you say that maybe later on you two can try again if the other person is able to work on their past relationship issues.

 

Lets say you get a reply back (When you really didn't expect one) saying, "I'm really sorry that I've caused you to feel so bad. It was never my intention to hurt you, I promise. I know now that I need to take some time to myself and get over some things and do some work. I've read [your long ass email*] I don't think I need to really address it anyway -- that's not how I think this thing needs to be worked through."

 

How would you take that? Would you take that as keeping the possibility of having a relationship later on? Do you take that as closed door? How would you interpret "work through"?

 

Note that I'm dating other people while this is going on so my life is not on hold.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

*paraphrasing

[acrosstheuniverse]

You know, part of me thinks 'you go, girl' for writing and telling him how you really feel. You got your answer, you let him know how you felt, and that it wasn't working for you. That takes more guts than letting it drag on forever.

 

However on the other hand, I have to say it comes across quite desperate. When someone isn't making you happy in the early stages of dating where things are supposed to be sunshine and rainbows, especially if you feel they aren't putting in much effort or ready to be with anyone seriously, you should walk away. The last thing you need to do is write a huge emotional e-mail, all that does is shows that you're way more invested than he is, which turns him off even more and makes you look like you're desperate enough to chase after someone who is giving you minimal respect or attention in return. The best thing you could have done for your dignity is walk away quietly. Chances are he wouldn't even have noticed.

 

His reply shows you that he's not interested, and he's trying to let you down gently. It's a closed door. I mean, he said he read it, but that he didn't feel he needed to address it, and that addressing it is not how this thing needs to be 'worked through': he isn't going to do any work at all. Not with you. Saying he needs time to himself means please, leave me alone now.

 

The door is shut. Respect yourself and walk on. I'm not exactly a huge advocate of self-help books generally, but I have read He's Just Not That Into You, and highly recommend it if this is the kind of mindset you usually have with guys. I'm not trying to be nasty or hurt you, just telling you how it is from one perspective. Perhaps everyone else will disagree with me.

[Frank2thepoint]

I agree with acrosstheuniverse. The beginning of a relationship is supposed to be easy and simple with no headaches. I do support communicating to someone your disappointment or hurt, especially if there was clear signs of interest even though it did not progress to a relationship. But at this point, when conveying such a message, don't suggest how the person should change, or try to salvage the faded connection. It's meant as a catharsis. Just walk away after you spoke your mind. Even if the person suggests trying to fix things, do not even entertain it, because you'll be end up in the same position you were in the first place.

[bobbyschmruda]

Thanks.

 

.

However on the other hand, I have to say it comes across quite desperate. When someone isn't making you happy in the early stages of dating where things are supposed to be sunshine and rainbows, especially if you feel they aren't putting in much effort or ready to be with anyone seriously, you should walk away.

 

Actually we were together for 4 months. During that time things were very happy. It was a joy to be around him and we had a lot of fun together. The issues that we had is very recent (last few weeks). I did walk away, this was more of a closure letter than anything. I just wasn't about to let him walk away without him knowing how I felt.

 

Chances are he wouldn't even have noticed.

He would have noticed. We talked everyday.

 

His reply shows you that he's not interested, and he's trying to let you down gently. It's a closed door. I mean, he said he read it, but that he didn't feel he needed to address it, and that addressing it is not how this thing needs to be 'worked through': he isn't going to do any work at all. Not with you. Saying he needs time to himself means please, leave me alone now.

It could very well be a closed door. I still feel like we both opened a window. He was never going to respond to it anyway and I knew that. He runs from confrontations and doesn't speak about his emotions. He's even said "you make me uncomfortable with this stuff" when I talk about emoticons. The fact the he even responded at all was surprise and it showed me that he cared.

 

When he says "work through" I really thing he's referring to a running conversation that we've had about him not dealing with the pain from his past relationship. He's told me before a (even while we were breaking up) that what he was doing was stupid and the he wanted me but he has to work out his issues. I told him in my letter that he needed to alone and that I needed time to myself as well.

Edited December 24, 2014 by bobbyschmruda

[bobbyschmruda]

The door is shut. Respect yourself and walk on. I'm not exactly a huge advocate of self-help books generally, but I have read He's Just Not That Into You, and highly recommend it if this is the kind of mindset you usually have with guys. I'm not trying to be nasty or hurt you, just telling you how it is from one perspective. Perhaps everyone else will disagree with me.

 

I just read this again and...what in the hell do you mean by that?

[acrosstheuniverse]

Thanks.

 

Actually we were together for 4 months. During that time things were very happy. It was a joy to be around him and we had a lot of fun together. The issues that we had is very recent (last few weeks). I did walk away, this was more of a closure letter than anything. I just wasn't about to let him walk away without him knowing how I felt.

 

It could very well be a closed door. I still feel like we both opened a window. He was never going to respond to it anyway and I knew that. He runs from confrontations and doesn't speak about his emotions. He's even said "you make me uncomfortable with this stuff" when I talk about emoticons. The fact the he even responded at all was surprise and it showed me that he cared.

 

When he says "work through" I really thing he's referring to a running conversation that we've had about him not dealing with the pain from his past relationship. He's told me before a (even while we were breaking up) that what he was doing was stupid and the he wanted me but he has to work out his issues. I told him in my letter that he needed to alone and that I needed time to myself as well.

 

Four months is still the beginning of dating! You should both be blissfully happy at that stage. I know it really hurts when someone you've been having a great time with loses interest. Been there!

 

The fact he responded doesn't show he cares, at least to any meaningful extent. It takes two seconds to respond to an email and the fact he isn't into addressing what you wrote shows that he doesn't particularly care. He probably is sorry he hurt you but it sounds like that's about it.

 

Sounds like you didn't expect any more from this than what he gave you, knowing him as you do. If you feel positive about gaining closure then sending the letter was for the best. However, I'm pretty sure a shorter, classy message of 'this isn't working out for me because a) b) c) I wish you well for the future) would have left a better impression than what you sent, as it sounds like you still gave him the option to buck up his ideas and that it was still salvageable... showing that you would tolerate how crap things have been so far.

 

Still, it's great that you address him head on rather than continuing to see and sleep with him while being unhappy about how things were going

[bobbyschmruda]

You know what I'm defensive now...

 

However, I'm pretty sure a shorter, classy message of 'this isn't working out for me because a) b) c) I wish you well for the future) would have left a better impression than what you sent, as it sounds like you still gave him the option to buck up his ideas and that it was still salvageable... showing that you would tolerate how crap things have been so far.

 

I'm looking at my first post and I'm trying to find where I actually posted my letter. I gave you 2 quick sentences about what I put in a letter that was over a page long. You don't know what was the full nature of my letter but you can assume it wasn't classy? Wow!

 

How can you say that I will "tolerate how crap things have been so far"? You're making it sound like this were bad from the start and that's not how it was. I told him that if he got better then we could try again. I didn't say I was taking anything. I'll repeat that you don't know what I put in my letter.

 

This is my first and last time I try to get advice from people on the internet that will assume a whole bunch a crap and give half-ass advice.

Edited December 24, 2014 by bobbyschmruda

[mangetout]

OP you have done the right thing. Four months is waaaay long enough for a person to know how he feels about a relationship. If he is still sitting on the fence then writing a letter to him was a good way to close it.

 

Carry on dating because if it's meant to be, he will start chasing you. Let it go if he doesn't

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'm looking at my first post and I'm trying to find where I actually posted my letter. I gave you 2 quick sentences about what I put in a letter that was over a page long. You don't know what was the full nature of my letter but you can assume it wasn't classy? Wow!

 

How can you say that I will "tolerate how crap things have been so far"? You're making it sound like this were bad from the start and that's not how it was. I told him that if he got better then we could try again. I didn't say I was taking anything. I'll repeat that you don't know what I put in my letter.

 

Well, we can only go by what you tell us you said to be fair. You say that a guy has been blowing hot and cold, it's stressing you out, and that you've been intimate with him. You also say that you 'kinda' walk away, but that he hasn't done anything that can't be worked out, which implies that you decided to basically tell him it's not working, in a hope that he'll turn round and become the man you want him to be. If you didn't want that, you'd just have walked away quietly and permanently. The overblown super letter thing, smacks of a tactic used to try and get someone to change their behaviour, not of a way to protect yourself and move on.

 

Instead of getting defensive and repeating that I don't know what's in your letter, why not post more information than the shreds you gave in your opening post? Then the advice you get will be more specific and you won't feel as though people are jumping to conclusions.

 

I have to say, when a guy isn't treating you great (even if it was great to begin with) and clearly isn't interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you, by 'classy' I mean holding your head high and walking away. Expending the energy to write a huge page-long letter detailing how strongly you feel, how disappointed and hurt you are (or WHATEVER was in there, again, post it!) and finally, that if he changes his behaviour you will date him again, it does sound worryingly desperate, especially to a guy who it sounds doesn't really care a huge amount to begin with.

 

And then you come on here trying to dissect what he meant, looking for hope that maybe he's just confused, maybe he wants you but is scared, whatever rubbish women tell themselves about men who aren't into them (and I've been there)... which is why I suggested the book I did.

 

Still, it IS preferable in my opinion to letting it drag on indefinitely. But I still think the door is closed and in the future you might not want to go for the huge letter tactic with guys who aren't that interested to begin with.

[Ninjainpajamas]

The guy was just sleeping with you, he was never in it for a relationship...it was never going to happen.

 

You're making it difficult and complicated by "burdening" him with your emotions...he blames his issues (which is partly true but he know that to begin with anyway, he just didn't tell you that little fact) for his inability to commit to you...but it's not his issues keeping him from you, he doesn't seem like a deeply emotional and aware person who is determined to right his wrongs, it just seems like the get-out-of-jail free card when a woman he's sleeping with wants a relationship...which is something many guys have their ways of avoiding, most of the time they're dating women and never have long-term intentions with them, they just do it for the sex, romance and good times till he gets over it.

 

But some of those guys do get stuck in relationships for one reason or another, they just didn't expect it to last so long in the end.

 

I know this guy because I know a lot of guys who have done that sort of thing...it's not what you think it is or even was though no matter what you think it is that you shared together, that was just your point of view and emotions...and he doesn't want to know your feelings or whatever you're thinking because he knows he doesn't share them and have anything to give you in return, so it's just a burden...so while that's great for you to get all of this off your chest, because it sounds like you probably thought it was going somewhere and everything was going great...but it wasn't, and contacting him is never going to give you any direct answers unfortunately.

 

This how a good chunk of women get burned out and over dating and men...they start to develop feelings with certain men, they think there's a lot of potential and yadda yadda yadda and then he takes the next train out of town...so to speak.

 

If you don't know the intentions of the guy, and you're just doing this whole female interpretation of things...and even worse, asking the advice of female friends who are equally clueless, hopeful and hopeless when it comes to understanding men..then you'll be all twisted around and thinking things are important that really don't count, because the guy was never invested like you thought he was.

 

Just do yourself a favor and keep that in mind, don't just write this off as a one off and "all men are different" kind of thing that a lot of women do...be aware now, unless you want to get burnt again.