Ex has cancer asking for support, should I give in?

[annasiren]

I can normally cope with anything life throws to me but this time it has been tearing me apart.

 

I’ve shared to my close friends and my mum and all that I got was ‘he’s selfish, get over him.’ kind of responses, which was not helpful at all.

 

He was diagnosed 8 months before we met. in the beginning he was obviously more hopeful and optimist. Everything was going well until 3 months into our relationship his illness had came back, he broke up with me said he was not ready nor to offer me the relationship I deserved. It was a teary Sunday morning in Sept we had talked about a lot about his fear and what he has been going through since his diagnosis. It was really tough but he had agreed to try again.

 

Since then he had been in touch every day but had spent all his time away travelling, or weekends alone. In two months he had been away 4 times, each time I was told only a day or two before his departure. I was left waiting and worrying. While I’ve made myself committed to him and his health, I felt he didn’t appreciate it as much.

 

What haunting me the most is feeling alone. We do not have friends and acquaintances in common. I have met a few of his friends but since it was a young relationship I have not been close to any of them. My friends can’t give me the support I have needed before and after the break up as they do not know him well nor have similar experience. They are telling me to move on and that have made me to think that I have been being irrational in being upset, because ‘I’m physically healthy’, ‘by theory I don’t know him well enough’ and ‘no point to put myself through this’. Though I appreciate their advices, they have made me feel even worse.

 

At the end my depression has started developing it was killing me, I had to call it off. Every morning has been difficult since. I have been withdrawing socially as I couldn’t enjoy myself while having so much going on in my head. I have tried my best to keep my sanity at work but it has been tough for the weekends, and for my birthday when I have gotten a birthday text from him. It was hard to handle the extreme guilt. I have felt necessary to protect myself from it but had doubts at the same time. I was in war with myself.

 

Until two weeks ago we got back in touch after a month of no contact. He was pleased that I messaged. He told me he was as fragile as he could be because of the news he got lately. He had not been strong enough to have marrow transplant and chemo but if not having them soon enough he could live for another 3 to 5 years only. I was devastated to hear all this. I wanted to do something for him, tried to be a friend and be discreet as possible. And I had invited him out for Christmas. Knowing he didn’t like it (as he said he had nothing to celebrate for X’mas ), I suggested him to put it as ‘bear day’ for nice food and drink.

 

But I’m wrong I’m far from being ready.

 

Last Sat we have got into a big fight on the phone. The same old problem arouse. He said he would go away during X’mas and I was being told last min. He said he didn’t know bear day meant X’mas. I was in tears not knowing what to do or say I felt so disappointed about myself. It was so wrong to get back in touch. I was not ready to be a friend genuinely I was expecting something from him. He told me he appreciated my kindness and felt sorry for being selfish but if I was expecting anything from him it had to be at his pace. He still wanted to meet. He said a lot of his friends had found it difficult to talk to him because of his condition. He wanted me to keep communicating to distract him from fear and loneness.

 

What should I do? I’ve told him about my situation and said I have not been strong enough to give support. I have to be honest that what he said what he asked for had hurt me so bad. He suggested us to give support to each other. I'm so confused.

[Zahara]

I'm sorry that you are in such a predicament, OP. Having had friends suffer and pass from cancer I can see how torn you feel from wanting to be there for him, yet have to struggle with your emotions.

 

You have expectations and your support doesn't come from a good place but a place of turmoil, and in that sense, you need to separate yourself from him. You can't be a source of support to someone when it comes at the expense of your own emotional and mental health. You have to help yourself first before you can help others. And he can't support you because he is what hurts you.

 

He has friends and family and he needs to find his support with them. I'm not sure why he's saying that his friends can't talk to him, I have to wonder if he said that as a way to rope you in and guilt you into feeling bad for him.

 

He should seek support groups. He can find them online and he can get the support he needs and even cultivate friendships with people that are going through the same thing. He should reach out to his family and be around people that care for him.

 

You need to take care of yourself. Keep him in your prayers. Try to heal from this and who knows maybe when you've moved on, you then can be there for him. At this present moment, you need to step away.

[kenmore]

Wow, this is a tough one! I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

 

The unfortunate truth is that you probably can't break away. I remember when my first wife was dying, how difficult it was. I grieved before she was dead. In her case it was liver failure due to drinking, and the liver specialist said to me (right in front of her) "I'd leave her"! I thought what a cold selfish bastard!

 

He was concerned for me, and she was going to die. Looking back, it is probably his field that made him so callous, seeing people dying from alcohol abuse regularly, but there was no friggin way I was going to leave my wife in her time of need!

 

You are in a similar situation, but I understand you don't have the time invested in this relationship that I had. Is it only six months you have been together, and much of that separated? IF you are going to break away, now is the time before you get more invested, but you will always look back and feel you abandoned him. You have to reason out whether you can live with that or not, but if you stay together, you will grieve through the entire relationship.

 

Since it seems he has been pushing you away and pulling you at the same time, it may be easier for you to reason that he is trying to end the relationship, even though it's for your sake.

 

No matter what you decide, I truly feel for you and wish you as much peace as you can have!

 

Ken

[d0nnivain]

He has cancer & is dying. He wants some love, support & TLC from you. How hard hearted are you that you can't give that? I don't understand. Yes, it is sad that he is battling this & no you don't have a great deal of emotional reserves, but if we don't have human kindness, especially at Christmas, what's the point?

 

 

Dig deep. Don't let him face this alone. Be there for him. If you don't he may die alone which is something nobody should have to face.

 

 

Presumably if he didn't have this terrible thing, he was a great BF & you cared about him. Show it.

 

 

Lean on your friends for support but don't abandon him.

[annasiren]

I'm sorry that you are in such a predicament, OP. Having had friends suffer and pass from cancer I can see how torn you feel from wanting to be there for him, yet have to struggle with your emotions.

 

You have expectations and your support doesn't come from a good place but a place of turmoil, and in that sense, you need to separate yourself from him. You can't be a source of support to someone when it comes at the expense of your own emotional and mental health. You have to help yourself first before you can help others. And he can't support you because he is what hurts you.

 

He has friends and family and he needs to find his support with them. I'm not sure why he's saying that his friends can't talk to him, I have to wonder if he said that as a way to rope you in and guilt you into feeling bad for him.

 

He should seek support groups. He can find them online and he can get the support he needs and even cultivate friendships with people that are going through the same thing. He should reach out to his family and be around people that care for him.

 

You need to take care of yourself. Keep him in your prayers. Try to heal from this and who knows maybe when you've moved on, you then can be there for him. At this present moment, you need to step away.

 

I really want to get my life back in order. I know what you meant when you said stepping away and I felt that too but it's been hard to move on. With exes in the past I can go for years without getting in contact with any of them. I just cannot do it on him this time. The guilt I'm feeling now is so overwhelming I cannot stand it.

[LostInLosingLove]

I’ve shared to my close friends and my mum and all that I got was ‘he’s selfish, get over him.’ kind of responses, which was not helpful at all.

 

Since then he had been in touch every day but had spent all his time away travelling, or weekends alone. In two months he had been away 4 times, each time I was told only a day or two before his departure. I was left waiting and worrying. While I’ve made myself committed to him and his health, I felt he didn’t appreciate it as much.

 

Where is he traveling to? Hospital? Why is he spending weekends alone instead of making plans with you? I don't understand. He says he wants your support but never makes time for you? What is it exactly that he's asking of you? For you to be his 24/7 on call therapist?

 

Though I appreciate their advices, they have made me feel even worse

 

You shouldn't have to feel bad that you're a healthy person. You can't beat yourself up over things you're unable to control like someone else's health. In cases like this, even they couldn't control it.

 

It was hard to handle the extreme guilt. I have felt necessary to protect myself from it but had doubts at the same time. I was in war with myself.

 

It's exactly that, guilt. I won't go as far as to say that he's purposefully doing it, because he's living through something most of us have no idea about. It's probably hard for him to understand why people can't comfort him or why people can't be there for him the way he thinks he needs or wants. The problem is that everyone mostly just cares about their own problems and issues, as well as how they're affected. He can't relate to what you're feeling because even when he looks at it from your perspective he's biased. He's the one with the illness.

 

I was not ready to be a friend genuinely I was expecting something from him.

 

He wanted me to keep communicating to distract him from fear and loneness.

 

What should I do? I’ve told him about my situation and said I have not been strong enough to give support. I have to be honest that what he said what he asked for had hurt me so bad. He suggested us to give support to each other. I'm so confused.

 

I think you're both being selfish and you need to step up and do the mature thing. He needs to accept his own situation and respect what you're trying to tell him with regards to how you feel about the whole situation. You already know that you're not strong enough to support him in this situation. The guilt is holding you there. He may or may not like it but he has to accept it and you have to be strong enough to let it go. For your own health and mental happiness.

 

Ask yourself if the roles were reversed, do you honestly believe he will be there for you in the way you are for him?

 

Please, please, please take care of yourself first.

[annasiren]

Wow, this is a tough one! I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

 

The unfortunate truth is that you probably can't break away. I remember when my first wife was dying, how difficult it was. I grieved before she was dead. In her case it was liver failure due to drinking, and the liver specialist said to me (right in front of her) "I'd leave her"! I thought what a cold selfish bastard!

 

He was concerned for me, and she was going to die. Looking back, it is probably his field that made him so callous, seeing people dying from alcohol abuse regularly, but there was no friggin way I was going to leave my wife in her time of need!

 

You are in a similar situation, but I understand you don't have the time invested in this relationship that I had. Is it only six months you have been together, and much of that separated? IF you are going to break away, now is the time before you get more invested, but you will always look back and feel you abandoned him. You have to reason out whether you can live with that or not, but if you stay together, you will grieve through the entire relationship.

 

Since it seems he has been pushing you away and pulling you at the same time, it may be easier for you to reason that he is trying to end the relationship, even though it's for your sake.

 

No matter what you decide, I truly feel for you and wish you as much peace as you can have!

 

Ken

 

I'm truly sorry of the lost of your first wife.

 

And I cannot tell how much I have appreciated your advice as this is something I cannot get from friends nor my family. I'm still struggling, and do not know how not to feel alone and torn if I choose to stay together.

[Zahara]

I really want to get my life back in order. I know what you meant when you said stepping away and I felt that too but it's been hard to move on. With exes in the past I can go for years without getting in contact with any of them. I just cannot do it on him this time. The guilt I'm feeling now is so overwhelming I cannot stand it.

 

I understand how you feel. It's a very difficult situation to be in. The thing is, you can't be of any support to him, in a healthy or positive way when your support is coming from a place of hurt and pain. It's easy to ask you to put your feelings aside from an indifferent standpoint but when in a situation of emotional hurt and pain, it's a difficult thing to do.

 

If you still want to support him, you have to put your expectations aside and run with it. You can't complain nor can you show him your pain and hurt when he cannot deliver towards your needs. If you are going to provide unconditional support, you need to accept that there is no relationship and that the only thing between you and him is the providing of comfort and support between two friends.

 

He wants you to fulfill his life in X way and you want him to fulfill your life in Y way. Both of you clash and not only does it cause more tension and hurt, it doesn't promote any sort of positivity for you or him.

 

Maybe you can step back and keep some distance from him. Explain to him that it hurts you very much because you have expectations. And while you want to support him, you don't think you have it in you to be there for him 100%. Tell him that you need some time to heal yourself before you can be there for him or at least some time to find some peace and a level of healing.

 

You have a huge decision to make. And please remember this -- you should not feel guilty for the way you feel.

Edited December 24, 2014 by Zahara

[annasiren]

He has cancer & is dying. He wants some love, support & TLC from you. How hard hearted are you that you can't give that? I don't understand. Yes, it is sad that he is battling this & no you don't have a great deal of emotional reserves, but if we don't have human kindness, especially at Christmas, what's the point?

 

 

Dig deep. Don't let him face this alone. Be there for him. If you don't he may die alone which is something nobody should have to face.

 

 

Presumably if he didn't have this terrible thing, he was a great BF & you cared about him. Show it.

 

 

Lean on your friends for support but don't abandon him.

 

I'm sorry if it has made you feel that I'm hard hearted.

 

I want to be there for him but he has been away so often, he gets hot and cold and doesn't want to celebrate Christmas.

 

Please read again I have little support from my friends and family, neither they were fully aware of the situation we have been in, nor be prepared to give advices. They all wanted me to move on, as they were just being kind to me and didn't want me to suffer.

[annasiren]

Where is he traveling to? Hospital? Why is he spending weekends alone instead of making plans with you? I don't understand. He says he wants your support but never makes time for you? What is it exactly that he's asking of you? For you to be his 24/7 on call therapist?

 

A few planned trips across Europe, Asia and Australia, for work and leisure. He did go away with me for two. When he was in town for the weekends he spent his time staying at home for rest. He has explained to me that he needed plenty of sleep to recover.

 

It had been going on for two months, and that led to the break up as I was as confused as I could be.

 

I think you're both being selfish and you need to step up and do the mature thing. He needs to accept his own situation and respect what you're trying to tell him with regards to how you feel about the whole situation. You already know that you're not strong enough to support him in this situation. The guilt is holding you there. He may or may not like it but he has to accept it and you have to be strong enough to let it go. For your own health and mental happiness.

 

Ask yourself if the roles were reversed, do you honestly believe he will be there for you in the way you are for him?

 

Please, please, please take care of yourself first.

 

I know I have been selfish, and immature. I couldn't think of the roles reversed situation. I do want to share his pain, but it's very hard to act totally selfless.

[kenmore]

Thank you for your condolences, that is very thoughtful.

 

Unfortunately, it will have to be your decision. All anyone here can do is guide you a little, but nobody here is in your shoes and can't know your inner turmoil.

 

You are in a lose-lose situation, and five years of your life is a lot to sacrifice. you must look at the big picture, and forget about Christmas this year, it's over. You need to know how emotionally invested you both are. Take his feelings into account, but don't sacrifice your happiness because he needs you. Do it (if you decide to) because it's right for you.

 

There is no "right" answer. you must choose your future fate.

 

If it were me (and again, I can't possibly know what you're going through), I'd be mostly concerned with him leaving and being spottily distant. It doesn't sound like he really wants to spend time with you. It may be to protect you or it may be that as long as he's able, he would rather be alone, but have the back-up when he needs it. That is not the basis for a healthy relationship IMO.

 

Good luck! As worthless as that seems, it's all I can offer.

[Satu]

If you support him, who will support you?

 

If you try to support him, but have no support yourself, you will crash and burn.

 

Badly.

[spiderowl]

I think you are in a really difficult position. I can understand some of how he must be feeling and why he is making the decisions he is, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier on you.

 

He may have gone away those times because he feels he doesn't have much time left. It may be his mind is so overwhelmed by his own situation he isn't capable of thinking how his absences affect you (or even care if it seems irrelevant compared with his situation). Naturally, you wanted more of his time and him going away without explanation is not a normal part of a relationship by any means. I don't blame you for calling it off.

 

However, you did start this again so you are back in the same situation. Does he want you to just be a friend or a lover? I can't see how you can be his girlfriend again if he is going to disrespect you by disappearing off every so often. One needs to make allowances if someone is as sick as he is, but he needs to consider your feelings too. If you cannot just be a friend to him, who will see him occasionally, then you may be best to pull out of this relationship. He wasn't offering what you wanted from a relationship before so why would anything have changed? It's not your fault that his friends are offering him the support he needs. It could be that they aren't because he was erratic with them too.

[annasiren]

However, you did start this again so you are back in the same situation. Does he want you to just be a friend or a lover? I can't see how you can be his girlfriend again if he is going to disrespect you by disappearing off every so often. One needs to make allowances if someone is as sick as he is, but he needs to consider your feelings too. If you cannot just be a friend to him, who will see him occasionally, then you may be best to pull out of this relationship. He wasn't offering what you wanted from a relationship before so why would anything have changed? It's not your fault that his friends are offering him the support he needs. It could be that they aren't because he was erratic with them too.

 

He just wants me to be a friend but from what we had been communicating over the phone/ texts it was definitely more than that. And it got my hopes up. At the beginning I had been taking it slow by sending weekly messages as all I cared about was his well being. I know getting back together is no longer an option, at least not for now.

 

Since the second week he has started texting back every two to three days, especially on the days after the doc appointments. Later it has became day-to-day contacts and has last for a few days, all initiated by him. It's difficult not to think that he was trying to rekindle.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I can normally cope with anything life throws to me but this time it has been tearing me apart.

 

I’ve shared to my close friends and my mum and all that I got was ‘he’s selfish, get over him.’ kind of responses, which was not helpful at all.

 

He was diagnosed 8 months before we met. in the beginning he was obviously more hopeful and optimist. Everything was going well until 3 months into our relationship his illness had came back, he broke up with me said he was not ready nor to offer me the relationship I deserved. It was a teary Sunday morning in Sept we had talked about a lot about his fear and what he has been going through since his diagnosis. It was really tough but he had agreed to try again.

 

Since then he had been in touch every day but had spent all his time away travelling, or weekends alone. In two months he had been away 4 times, each time I was told only a day or two before his departure. I was left waiting and worrying. While I’ve made myself committed to him and his health, I felt he didn’t appreciate it as much.

 

What haunting me the most is feeling alone. We do not have friends and acquaintances in common. I have met a few of his friends but since it was a young relationship I have not been close to any of them. My friends can’t give me the support I have needed before and after the break up as they do not know him well nor have similar experience. They are telling me to move on and that have made me to think that I have been being irrational in being upset, because ‘I’m physically healthy’, ‘by theory I don’t know him well enough’ and ‘no point to put myself through this’. Though I appreciate their advices, they have made me feel even worse.

 

At the end my depression has started developing it was killing me, I had to call it off. Every morning has been difficult since. I have been withdrawing socially as I couldn’t enjoy myself while having so much going on in my head. I have tried my best to keep my sanity at work but it has been tough for the weekends, and for my birthday when I have gotten a birthday text from him. It was hard to handle the extreme guilt. I have felt necessary to protect myself from it but had doubts at the same time. I was in war with myself.

 

Until two weeks ago we got back in touch after a month of no contact. He was pleased that I messaged. He told me he was as fragile as he could be because of the news he got lately. He had not been strong enough to have marrow transplant and chemo but if not having them soon enough he could live for another 3 to 5 years only. I was devastated to hear all this. I wanted to do something for him, tried to be a friend and be discreet as possible. And I had invited him out for Christmas. Knowing he didn’t like it (as he said he had nothing to celebrate for X’mas ), I suggested him to put it as ‘bear day’ for nice food and drink.

 

But I’m wrong I’m far from being ready.

 

Last Sat we have got into a big fight on the phone. The same old problem arouse. He said he would go away during X’mas and I was being told last min. He said he didn’t know bear day meant X’mas. I was in tears not knowing what to do or say I felt so disappointed about myself. It was so wrong to get back in touch. I was not ready to be a friend genuinely I was expecting something from him. He told me he appreciated my kindness and felt sorry for being selfish but if I was expecting anything from him it had to be at his pace. He still wanted to meet. He said a lot of his friends had found it difficult to talk to him because of his condition. He wanted me to keep communicating to distract him from fear and loneness.

 

What should I do? I’ve told him about my situation and said I have not been strong enough to give support. I have to be honest that what he said what he asked for had hurt me so bad. He suggested us to give support to each other. I'm so confused.

 

I lost a BF to cancer & he didn't want me to see him like it so he will be pushing u away a bit.. & probably has done already.. Not because he wants too but because he feels low x my only advice would be to show him u will be there but don't push too hard.. x

 

Dont not be there for him because I do think u may regret that if the worst happens x

 

Love to you I know it's heartbreaking x

[LostInLosingLove]

A few planned trips across Europe, Asia and Australia, for work and leisure. He did go away with me for two. When he was in town for the weekends he spent his time staying at home for rest. He has explained to me that he needed plenty of sleep to recover.

 

It had been going on for two months, and that led to the break up as I was as confused as I could be.

 

I know I have been selfish, and immature. I couldn't think of the roles reversed situation. I do want to share his pain, but it's very hard to act totally selfless.

 

If you're unable to be there for him in the way that he needs(for whatever reason), don't. You won't really be doing either of you any favors and it will be stressful for the both of you. If/when the time comes that the worse happens(knock on wood), the trauma you'll be left(and have to deal) with may be too much to handle alone. Who will be there for you, in that time of need?

 

If you're strong enough/mentally capable/have experience with death/loss and know what you're getting into then I'd say go for it. But if you're young/haven't had to deal with anything like this/are not sure in your ability to see this through all the way; I personally wouldn't start here.

 

'Love' will make us do crazy things though...