TrueSmiles12 Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 ok, so i've been doing no contact with my ex-bf for a good couple of weeks, maybe a month now and i've been coping the best i can with having to see him everyday... anyway, like i've said before his primary means of communication is text messaging. so last night, he texts at 230am the following: 1) ha. 2) have fun with him u f*n loser...how's that for a response? what's with that?! i hadn't said anything to him for him to send those things to me! so i simply responded, "stop. really." cause i was pissed he had woken me up just to say that to me. then he said, 3) thats a good final response, i wish i cared, actually u ruined that and a year of my life 4) actually u owe me more than a year and a bday and f* u i'm actually proud of myself because i didn't shed a tear, i'm extremely mad and confused as to why he would say such cruel things like that, because we did not break up on a bad note whatsoever! so why is he being so mean?! can anyone explain this? is he being mean cause this is how he feels he can get over me or something? he's the one that broke up with me, i didn't do anything to him! so why keep hurting me?
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 so why is he being so mean?! Because he's angry. Anger is a powerful and often illogical thing - and often the actions of one person have no effect whatsoever on how/why/when a person will vent that anger. Sometimes when we vent the anger on one thing, its masking what it is we are really angry about. What he is angry about, though is beside the point. What is important here, is you and his decision to vent that anger on you in such an awful way. He has a right to his feelings - however, he does not have the right to make you victim to them. He is choosing to be a dick - you are not making him this way. Just block his text messages (if there's a way, I know nothing about how that works). If he says something, just ask him to leave you alone. You don't have to put up with it, and he's going to have to work out that anger entirely on his own.
Author TrueSmiles12 Posted March 24, 2005 Author Posted March 24, 2005 what could he possibly be angry about? ya know.. like i said, i haven't done anything to him - nothing that would even affect him. do u think he's choosing anger as an outlet for what he's really feeling? i dont know, maybe he's actually frustrated that he couldn't make things work between us, so he's using anger as an outlet?? i don't know, i really want to understand though.. i mean should i just straight up ask him? it's not right for him to keep doing this and it's not something to simply ignore and brush off, they're really mean comments. no one should ever have to go through this, so i just want to know.. advice?
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 i really want to understand though.. In that case, there's no way of knowing without breaking your NC asking him. Just ask him point blank "why are you so angry?" Maybe he'll tell you. Just leave out stuff like "you are the one who broke up with me" or anything from your relationship, and don't try to suggest your own reasons he could be mad. All that will do is make him get defensive. You want him to tell you why he is angry, not defend his reasons why. Just ask him a simple question and let him do the talking. My mother in law is notorious for this. She'll say a single sentence and then just stare at you without saying a word and before you know it you are basically babbling while she sits there like the sphinx. This is what you want him to do. Not argue, not defend himself, just talk and you listen. Depending on what he says and how he says it, you'll know if he's willing to extend the same courtesy to you - to listen to what you have to say, without interjecting. Who knows... you two may end up having quite a bit of talking to do.
GirlDown Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 cinsidering the time, maybe he was drunk. sometimes booze makes the meanieness come out more, and you get beerballs to say what you might not have said otherwise. in any case, what a jerk. bet you're glad to be rid of him.
Author TrueSmiles12 Posted March 24, 2005 Author Posted March 24, 2005 i was considering him being drunk as some sort of explanation, but aren't people under the influence more apt to be honest as all heck? anyway, i guess im still pondering whether or not i want to break my end of NC and ask him why he is just so angry. and should i take any of what he said to heart, do u think he really meant any of what he has said? i really feel as if anger is his outlet. now that i have not been contacting him, he feels as if he doesn't have the upper hand anymore. after we broke up, i still contacted him, trying to be his friend and stuff, and he always made excuses to not hang out with me, etc, he always had to have the last word in that he knew would upset me. and now that i am no longer chasing after even a friendship, he still feels the need to get the last word in? he still feels the need to hurt me? but saying, "you ruined a year of my life"... did he really mean that??
Mr Spock Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 Totally hammered, and unreasonable. Feeling low, so blamed you. You don't care, because you're split up. End of story.
GirlDown Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 Originally posted by TrueSmiles12 i was considering him being drunk as some sort of explanation, but aren't people under the influence more apt to be honest as all heck? people say that but i disagree. i tell a lot of stories when i drink.
amish Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 I, too, disagree that being drunk brings out the truth. If anything it makes it easier to mask your personal anguish over the end of a relationship with misplaced meanness, as this dude is probably doing. Hell, I did the same thing for a few months after my STB ex-wife walked out. Did I really hate her? No. Did I really think it was a waste of 7-8 years of my life? No. But that didn't matter. I said those things because I was hurt and I wanted her to hurt also, not because they were true. I finally came to my senses. Acting like that hurt both of us and didn't do a bit of good. So yeah, I think he probably is just being mean to cover up his own hurt. Just try to remember that these things he's saying probably aren't true, and you don't have to be in the position to take that kind of flack. Block the texts or don't answer your phone or whatever if it's causing you grief. Then again, he's the only one who really knows how he feels so I could be mistaken.
Author TrueSmiles12 Posted March 29, 2005 Author Posted March 29, 2005 i cracked... i ended up confronting him about it all... i sent him an email that said: "i'm not really sure why things are the way they are, but i guess i'm writing simply to find out. like i've said before, there really isn't any need for you to be acting the way you have been toward me and i wish that if you had things on your mind or any problems with me, that you would come and talk to me about it. sending me these random hateful and angry messages isn't what i have in mind. they're not nice and they're extremely hurtful. i don't know if you mean all these horrible things you say, but if you do, i want to know why. i know you and i did not end on bad terms and now, for some reason, you are calling me names, making fun of me, bringing me down, and even disrespecting my property. i did nothing to you. so why are you so angry with me? and what is making you do these insanely mean things? i'm not going to make a big deal out of this, but it seems like you have so much animosity toward me that you have been holding in for a while now and i want to avoid receiving these random messages again. i want you to say what's on your mind, especially if it means having to confront me. unfortunately, i am not yet able to brush your ambiguous actions off, as if they did not affect me. i have been moving on the best i know how and i've been doing this without you, without having to contact you, because that's what you wanted. you made it clear that you wanted space and that i should leave you alone. and i have. as difficult as it was at first, i've been moving on and i've been doing well. therefore, i don't know why i'm receiving these mean comments after all this time. i do exactly what you want and you still have some sort of problem with that. why? as you see, you still have an effect on me. when you say hurtful things, they still hurt me. i believed you when you said to give things time and things would work themselves out. never did i see this coming - when you would hate me for no reason whatsoever... your comments are very hurtful and i don't particularly appreciate them, because i don't understand where they're coming from. so please help me understand. otherwise, do us both a favor and don't bother sending them." .......and his only response as soon as he signed online was "i erased your number from my phone so no need to worry" did i write a successful letter? i don't think so because i didn't get the response i was looking for, i wanted him to tell me why he was doing all this. and i dont think i will ever get that answer from him. am i wrong to think that this is really his messed up way of showing that he still cares about me and is trying to forget about me? like for him to fully get over me he has to act backwards and make himself believe that i'm the bad person in all this?? am i wrong to think all that? and how about the email i sent? was that ok?
curiousnycgirl Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 Your email was fine and you DID get the answer you were looking for, there is no reason for his behaviour and he cannot justify it. I would suggest that LucreziaBorgia was right, as usual, he is angry and taking it out on you. In reality it has nothing to do with you. By confronting him about his hurtful behaviour, in a very non threatening way, you made him feel badly about what he's been doing. Or made him realize how illogical and unjustified it is. Regardless I would say you made your point. Now he's protected himself from doing it again, by erasing your number. Sounds like you are doing great after a very tough time. I say GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
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