Planning vs. last minute in an established relationship

[losangelena]

Hey gang,

 

Here's a question.

 

My guy and I have been dating since the beginning of September, officially boyfriend/girlfriend for a few weeks now. At this point, almost four months in, we still plan dates (like last week we planned to do dinner and a movie; we're going to two Christmas Eve parties tomorrow), and other times, like today, we tend to make last-minute, day-of plans. Earlier this evening for instance, I texted him to see if he and his workout buddy were hitting the gym. They were, and he texted me afterward to see if I wanted to meet up this evening and grab a couple of drinks, which we're doing later.

 

So, I guess my question is, does this sound normal? At what point in a relationship do you go from planning dates ahead of time to simply spending free nights together if you want? We spent five evenings in a row with each other last week, which is something of an anomaly. I don't normally have a car, and because of a difficult roommate situation, he can't stay overnight at my place, so we usually see each other on weekends and then once during the week. Right now though I'm borrowing a friend's car and both of our work schedules are relaxed because of the holidays, also, most of our friends are busy with family or out of town, and both our families are in other states/countries. Maybe we're just capitalizing on this special situation.

 

Anyway, I was just curious to know when others have made that switch. I know a couple who are good friends of mine who tend not to make any formal plans with each other; he just goes to her place after work to hang out or have dinner or grab drinks. But they've been together five years. I know it's not unusual, I'm just wondering if it's too soon.

 

Thanks!

[USMCHokie]

If memory serves me right, it was usually when sex started happening...then seeing each other would usually be the rule rather than the exception, i.e., we planned on when we wouldn't see each other...

[d0nnivain]

There does come a point in every relationship when you go from asking if we are going to spend time together to assuming you will be together & announcing that you will be doing something apart.

 

 

For the big unusual events -- those that I truly call dates -- those still involved planning.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I think it's different with every relationship. I was with a guy four years, and even during that last year it was the norm to NOT see each other, and seeing each other took planning.

 

The relationship I'm in now, started seeing each other late January, official early February, and by March we were default seeing each other. By the end of March, if my memory serves me correctly, we were sleeping together every single night unless there was a reason not to. Even if we went out separately, we'd still end up back asleep together at my place. Moved in together formally August, to a new apartment. Some would call it too quick but it felt right and we knew of each other for long enough before starting to spend time together that we were a lot more open and trusting than we would have been with a random new person we met online.

 

When still in the 'default not seeing each other' stage, I expect the hanging out to be planned 90% of the time. I'm a busy person and don't generally accept last minute plans because if nothing is planned I'll end up planning something myself and then not be free when I'm asked if I'm free later that evening or whenever. My motto is if I'm worth spending time with, I'm worth being asked to keep an evening aside and making plans with. Too many guys try to pull the last minute booty call thing thinking I'm an idiot. If most of the time I see someone are planned, I'll happily accept last minute spontaneous things if I can, but I wouldn't allow that to be the default. I feel it also sends a signal that I've got nothing going on in my life if I jump to see a guy every time he calls up and asks if I'm free in an hour. I've been in that situation before and it's a horrible feeling, desperate to see someone who doesn't really want to see you enough to set aside time in the future. Not planning stuff with friends, in case he texted to hang out, and being bitterly disappointed when he didn't. As a teenager, like, but I remember the feeling not being a good one.

 

The 'switch' is a weird phenomenon and one that either comes naturally or it doesn't. Any more than three times seeing each other per week (only one sleepover) would have freaked out my commitmentphobe ex of four years. My current boyfriend was mostly the one to initiate sleeping together every night, because I was wary of that level of seeing someone due to past experiences. But it happened naturally, it was never discussed. In fact, when we'd started sleeping together every night in March he was due to move into a new houseshare with friends, and he still moved in with them, because a) my place couldn't accommodate his stuff and b) both of us would have felt it too quick to legally share a tenancy after just a couple months. But he kept on staying at mine every night anyway and by the time we moved in together he'd only spent one night in his new house.

 

Your situation sounds pretty normal to me. Seeing each other plenty. It's only been a few weeks of being 'together', the switch doesn't usually happen that quickly, I'm aware we were the anomaly, although I've known other couples get to that stage even faster and then be happy together for years.