Red123 Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 Reconciliation is not for the weak. Thinking about this past year and how difficult it has been has really shown me how bad my H must want this. Yes the pain and turmoil was caused by the WS but it must be very hard to walk their path after Dday. Over this year I have raged, sobbed, told him many times that I don't think I can do this, ruined special nights he planned for us, ruined a weekend getaway he gave me for Christmas last year by talking about the A the whole time and ending the weekend by saying that we were done, and much more. I am in such a different place than this time last year and we have really changed our relationship, it is so much better than before the A. He is working so hard and proving to me that he wants this, I don't know if I would have been able to handle what he has. It's like we have this new relationship with comforts of an old one. Looking forward to a new year. 3
star gaze Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 I wish you best of luck and merry Christmas. I really respect strong people who try to reconcile without rug sweeping and in the process, address the issues and make stronger relationship. It is not for everyone and not everyone who tries succeeds. It must have been very difficult journey. I could not do it and I don’t regret it, but my case is little different; we were not married yet. Yes, reconciliation is not for weak, but neither is breaking up/divorce. Leaving the shared memories, children, relatives, finances, society and mutual friends and to venture for unknown life is also difficult, IMO. 1
betrayedandhurting Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 Reconciliation is not for the weak. Thinking about this past year and how difficult it has been has really shown me how bad my H must want this. Yes the pain and turmoil was caused by the WS but it must be very hard to walk their path after Dday. Over this year I have raged, sobbed, told him many times that I don't think I can do this, ruined special nights he planned for us, ruined a weekend getaway he gave me for Christmas last year by talking about the A the whole time and ending the weekend by saying that we were done, and much more. I am in such a different place than this time last year and we have really changed our relationship, it is so much better than before the A. He is working so hard and proving to me that he wants this, I don't know if I would have been able to handle what he has. It's like we have this new relationship with comforts of an old one. Looking forward to a new year. I'm very happy for you. My wife's very LTA is over and she is walking over glass to save me and her family. The rage and hell I've brought down on her the last 6 months sometimes seems to never let up but she hasn't wavered for a second in walking the path to reconciliation and in trying to see what caused this to happen in IC. I'm trying to be hopeful like you and look forward to the new year, in many ways it's like I too have this "new relationship" that is far better than the old but dear God the knowledge of what has happened never lets up on my soul. I love her. I love my family. I just fear that the rest of my life is happiness but with the painful scar that never ever goes away causing me to long for what could have been. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 she is walking over glass to save me and her family. I remember your thread and the fact that her affair was the second extramarital - physical and emotional - relationship you'd caught her in. I'll just say you're a bigger, better and more forgiving man than I would be. I hope things work out for you, in whatever form you may choose that to be... Mr. Lucky 1
betrayedandhurting Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 I remember your thread and the fact that her affair was the second extramarital - physical and emotional - relationship you'd caught her in. I'll just say you're a bigger, better and more forgiving man than I would be. I hope things work out for you, in whatever form you may choose that to be... Mr. Lucky I have chosen to attempt to reconcile, yes. Forgiveness hasn't come yet although it must at some point or this will fail, I get that. Much more has been hashed out since that first giant thread of mine but it must be said... my wife was involved in a EA many years ago that I discovered and rug-swept, then a LTA EA/PA that has led to all of this. I believe there was "only" the one PA but it was so long and heinous it doesn't make the point any better does it? *If* my wife can commit to our marriage and sustain her present attention on our marriage long term I will not regret staying, I *know* that, but that doesn't mean it isn't also a sentence of having to bear this pain a lifetime. If she ever betrays me again in the smallest way it is over without discussion. 2
badkarma2013 Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 I have chosen to attempt to reconcile, yes. Forgiveness hasn't come yet although it must at some point or this will fail, I get that. Much more has been hashed out since that first giant thread of mine but it must be said... my wife was involved in a EA many years ago that I discovered and rug-swept, then a LTA EA/PA that has led to all of this. I believe there was "only" the one PA but it was so long and heinous it doesn't make the point any better does it? *If* my wife can commit to our marriage and sustain her present attention on our marriage long term I will not regret staying, I *know* that, but that doesn't mean it isn't also a sentence of having to bear this pain a lifetime. If she ever betrays me again in the smallest way it is over without discussion. ****************************************************************** I wish you well and hope for R works for you...i am only reposting this because I could not R with what happened..and it gives somewhat of an answer to the Betrayed.. All WSs and BSs should read this...this all is very true it's the little triggers, little stabs that will be there even 5 years from now, or 10, or 20. It's the disbelief BS feels and will always feel, never quite understanding how WS could have done that. But WS did. WS may have said over and over that they have told the full truth and BS might have decided to believe them. But BS always knows that WS has told them as much truth as WS thought was necessary, not the 100% truth that BS thought was necessary. WS will NEVER reveal what they were really thinking at the time. BS will be left with nagging doubts FOREVER, powerless to do anything about it because BS wasn't there or wasn't inside WS's head. That is the hardest thing to live with. EA or PA. A month or a year. Sex once or a hundred times. One lie or fifty. It doesn't matter. All the damage was done in the moment that WS took that step. It destroyed what was, and what will never be the same again no matter what WS does. That time is gone. BS thought WS was someone they could trust with their life, their best friend in the world, their confidant, someone who would always stand by them. That's what BS thought, and BS was wrong, so wrong. BS sometimes remembers what it was like when there wasn't that little cloud overhead. And feels a pang as they think of when the sky was blue. BS would have never chosen this for themselves. Yet somehow they found themselves in it. Now it's Plan B. And it will always be Plan B. R is the Plan B version of marriage. It might be a strange thing to say, but so grievous is the wound of betrayal that had WS died, the pain would be easier. The sadness would be a different kind of sadness. A more tolerable kind of sadness. 1
Author Red123 Posted December 24, 2014 Author Posted December 24, 2014 I wish you best of luck and merry Christmas. I really respect strong people who try to reconcile without rug sweeping and in the process, address the issues and make stronger relationship. It is not for everyone and not everyone who tries succeeds. It must have been very difficult journey. I could not do it and I don’t regret it, but my case is little different; we were not married yet. Yes, reconciliation is not for weak, but neither is breaking up/divorce. Leaving the shared memories, children, relatives, finances, society and mutual friends and to venture for unknown life is also difficult, IMO. I completely agree that leaving would have been just as hard maybe harder. I believe that those who choose to leave are just as strong. I was commenting on my own situation and a reflection on this past year. Before this I would have thought that a WS who got to stay in their relationship had it easy. I know how hard this has been for me but it has been very hard for him too. He must want this to have to see all of the pain and destruction he caused, for my H it may have been easier to leave than face this. We are not free and clear by any means, but we are on our way.
Nawlins Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 I have chosen to attempt to reconcile, yes. Forgiveness hasn't come yet although it must at some point or this will fail, I get that. Much more has been hashed out since that first giant thread of mine but it must be said... my wife was involved in a EA many years ago that I discovered and rug-swept, then a LTA EA/PA that has led to all of this. I believe there was "only" the one PA but it was so long and heinous it doesn't make the point any better does it? *If* my wife can commit to our marriage and sustain her present attention on our marriage long term I will not regret staying, I *know* that, but that doesn't mean it isn't also a sentence of having to bear this pain a lifetime. If she ever betrays me again in the smallest way it is over without discussion. I have to admit you are a better man than I. I have read your story and I don’t think I could have stayed in the marriage; the duration of your WS’s affair probably would have too much for me. Best of luck to you and your family.
gettingstronger Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 Great post and great response to those that try to diminish your progress with their snide remarks- to me, that is when I knew I was healing, when others who try to project on to me did not set me off- We too are in a better place than last Christmas-I have also ruined many nights and moments with triggers but I feel like my husbands ability to stand there and take it has been good for both of us- there was a time when I felt alone in processing my pain, afraid to let it out because I did not want to ruin the moment-I have learned that I needed to trust us again, the good, the bad and the ugly and to process this together- Enjoy your holidays-everyone! 1
Author Red123 Posted December 24, 2014 Author Posted December 24, 2014 Great post and great response to those that try to diminish your progress with their snide remarks- to me, that is when I knew I was healing, when others who try to project on to me did not set me off- We too are in a better place than last Christmas-I have also ruined many nights and moments with triggers but I feel like my husbands ability to stand there and take it has been good for both of us- there was a time when I felt alone in processing my pain, afraid to let it out because I did not want to ruin the moment-I have learned that I needed to trust us again, the good, the bad and the ugly and to process this together- Enjoy your holidays-everyone! Thanks. I'm glad you are doing so well too. Happy holidays. 1
Recommended Posts