Obsession with "exes"

[somedude81]

Getting over the first one isn't easy.

 

If you haven't already done so, go No Contact - no direct contact, no indirect contact through third parties, or social media.

 

Delete and block.

 

That's where the healing starts.

 

We've had no contact, direct or indirect since March. We don't have any common friends and I'm blocked from her Facebook.

 

But yes, she's my first love, and her memory is still strong.

 

I think the hardest part for me is that she was so good to me when we were together, and then she suddenly dumped me. It's almost as if we were together in a great relationship and then she just disappears. I don't have any bad memories of her. Even during her break up talk she was still sweet.

[Gloria25]

We've had no contact, direct or indirect since March. We don't have any common friends and I'm blocked from her Facebook.

 

But yes, she's my first love, and her memory is still strong.

 

I think the hardest part for me is that she was so good to me when we were together, and then she suddenly dumped me. It's almost as if we were together in a great relationship and then she just disappears. I don't have any bad memories of her. Even during her break up talk she was still sweet.

 

Awww, she sounds like a peach...

 

Well, I think for reasons you described, you should continue to put her on a pedestal and never love again because she was the best. Maybe one day you two will get back together. Maybe add that to your list of goals.

[Satu]

We've had no contact, direct or indirect since March. We don't have any common friends and I'm blocked from her Facebook.

 

But yes, she's my first love, and her memory is still strong.

 

I think the hardest part for me is that she was so good to me when we were together, and then she suddenly dumped me. It's almost as if we were together in a great relationship and then she just disappears. I don't have any bad memories of her. Even during her break up talk she was still sweet.

 

You have to stop looking at your happy memories of her, and start to look outwards at the world around you, and the people in it. Every day you walk past beautiful people and things. If you can't see that and derive pleasure from it, it's because you're not looking.

 

You probably walked past two girls prettier than her already today.

 

I know its not just about looks, but I think you get what I'm trying to say.

 

Turn your attention outwards at least some of the time.

[somedude81]

You have to stop looking at your happy memories of her, and start to look outwards at the world around you, and the people in it. Every day you walk past beautiful people and things. If you can't see that and derive pleasure from it, it's because you're not looking.

 

You probably walked past two girls prettier than her already today.

 

I know its not just about looks, but I think you get what I'm trying to say.

 

Turn your attention outwards at least some of the time.

 

I tried really hard this year to replace her. I even found the perfect girl. I got close, but it wasn't meant to be.

 

And so the memory of my ex remains. A big part of that is my ex was very close to my ideal woman and not many women can fill her shoes. It can be argued that she was out of my league (not talking about looks), which makes her even harder to replace because the women that can equal her aren't normally interested in men like me.

[MissBee]

The reason people obsess over exes usually has more to do with themselves than how interesting or great or even bad the ex was.

 

I think some people are more prone to either extreme idealization or demonization, neither of which are usually based in acknowledgement of reality and their own part in things and when they do that they end up exerting a lot of energy on an outside target (making them out to be the second coming OR hell on earth) and rehash it over and over and over. Whereas if one is focused on personal growth you're able to acknowledge the person's flaws and good points and find a balance where you can see how and why things didn't work and why they may have wronged you as well as your own weaknesses and strengths, which will help you to find more peace in moving forward.

 

It once took me almost two years to get over an ex because 1. I didn't go NC and kept engaging with him and 2. I exerted a lot of energy trying to figure him out which distracted me from figuring myself out. I am happy I did that back then though because now I can't see myself ever doing that again. Once I stopped focusing on my ex and all he did or didn't do or was going to do and what was wrong with him and instead cut him off completely and started worrying about myself it was like within a month or two I completely got over it and realized I had taken so long because I made myself stuck.

 

If a man is hateful towards his ex, especially one who isn't even recent I would not date him. Back when I was 18 and naive I "dated" a guy who I would spend all this time counseling him about his "bytch ex", needless to say he had TONS of unresolved issues. Likewise, if I'm dating a man who sees his ex as the perfect person, I'm not there to complete with his fantasy image and it's clear he isn't over it.

Edited December 24, 2014 by MissBee

[Allumere]

I don't have an answer but I am challenged by this as well. It takes me longer each breakup... it is now over a year and it still challenges me. I guess it is simply that I loved the man, think very highly of him on many fronts and I believed 100% my dating days were over. This wasn't based on anything more than the sense of peace I felt when he came in my life...he felt like home (so this isn't a case of him filling my head, making promises or anything like that). Not once did I experience anxiety from the relationship. I never doubted anything he said and never had that "ghost over the grave" feeling like something was off...it is hard to explain. Not til the actual day we broke up did I feel "uhoh".

 

I continue with life but it is rather flat and bland (I have other struggles at the moment). It was simply better when he was part of it...so I just keep moving and at some point the circle will become a straight line.

[Satu]

I tried really hard this year to replace her. I even found the perfect girl. I got close, but it wasn't meant to be.

 

And so the memory of my ex remains. A big part of that is my ex was very close to my ideal woman and not many women can fill her shoes. It can be argued that she was out of my league (not talking about looks), which makes her even harder to replace because the women that can equal her aren't normally interested in men like me.

 

What kind of a man do you consider yourself to be?

[santac]

I know this is like reverse psychology but I've actually told a few people this before, or at the very least, told them to just stay stuck on their exes and stop trying to move on using other people.

 

Actually sometimes I seriously wish the majority of these people really COULD get back with their exes. A second go round can really help put things in perspective.

 

I had an ex from back when I was 18/19. He was my "first" everything but wound up using my already low self-esteem against me and treated me like s**t. It took me years to get over him, well, actually not so much "him" (as I had long since ceased to have any feelings for him) but the damage he did. And I did still sort of idealize him in my head as this "perfect" (though not for me) guy who was cute, intelligent, suave and talented (he was a musician of course).

 

Then, suddenly he found me on Facebook and wanted to reconnect. I agreed to meet him eventually and we ended up going several times (as friends) and staying in limited contact. Holy s**t that guy was an idiot. Not only was he not one quarter as hot as I remembered, he wasn't very intelligent either. The only thing he had going for him was that he could play several instruments but otherwise, he was an unemployed loser still living with his mom. He had no game, no sense of style and was pretty corny on to boot.

 

Whatever notions I had about his supposed perfection went right out the damn window. I think this would often be the case with all those who moan about their beloved exes all the time. Sometimes a second chance, or simply being able to spend more time with them post-rejection can help lift some of the fog.

 

So maybe I shoul try this...

The problem is my ex won't ever call me. Not after 3 years.

 

I have this idealized image about her that no-contacr couldn't erase... maybe a long talk with her some evenng will make me realize?

[gaius]

I don't know why either Gloria. I was kind of "boxing up" the records I still have of when my ex and I first started talking for posterity sake and reading through them gave me some laughs and brought up some good memories but I didn't get any urge to get back together, or even talk to her again.

 

Except a brief thought wondering if I should send her a copy but that died out after about 5 seconds.

[littleblackheart]

The reason people obsess over exes usually has more to do with themselves than how interesting or great or even bad the ex was.

 

I think some people are more prone to either extreme idealization or demonization, neither of which are usually based in acknowledgement of reality and their own part in things and when they do that they end up exerting a lot of energy on an outside target (making them out to be the second coming OR hell on earth) and rehash it over and over and over. Whereas if one is focused on personal growth you're able to acknowledge the person's flaws and good points and find a balance where you can see how and why things didn't work and why they may have wronged you as well as your own weaknesses and strengths, which will help you to find more peace in moving forward.

 

 

This ^^^ sums it up perfectly.

[Tayken]

Someone shouldn't be the sole reason for your happiness, they should add to it.

 

And, after reading your other thread, I believe that you have a lot of work to do on yourself.

 

Exactly....this seems to be the problem for some men and women, they are looking for someone else to do the work for them due to the way they have been raised, and that sense of entitlement.

 

It's sad when people say their happiness hinges solely on someone else, and they can't do anything because that person left / dumped them. This should be your motivator really to get up, and prove to yourself that you are capable.

 

I keep hearing about people that are scared to go to movies / restaurants / on road trips / vacations because they don't want to feel like a loser of be seen alone....

[most_distant_galaxy]

Some people just get more attached and clingier than others. Or it takes them forever to find closure. Or they dwell on the breakup because they're afraid to focus their attention on other things. Or because deep inside it feels good to have something to feel miserable about.

[letmoc]

I thought everybody had that one person that they never truly get over. It may not prevent you from moving on and loving again, but they are never forgotten. At least I do anyway.

[Tayken]

I thought everybody had that one person that they never truly get over. It may not prevent you from moving on and loving again, but they are never forgotten. At least I do anyway.

 

It's a myth...perhaps one of those facebook discussions that are not privy to. People should learn to move on especially if you are looking to establish a new healthy relationship. I wouldn't want to be dating someone who still obsesses over their ex...in fact I have cut ties with dates that still had ex's in their daily lives (ones with no kids)

 

It's not fair on me...

[letmoc]

It's a myth...perhaps one of those facebook discussions that are not privy to. People should learn to move on especially if you are looking to establish a new healthy relationship. I wouldn't want to be dating someone who still obsesses over their ex...in fact I have cut ties with dates that still had ex's in their daily lives (ones with no kids)

 

It's not fair on me...

 

I happen to know I am that person for a few of my exes or at least I like to believe that

[LifeGoesOnMan]

this thread is on point, however I think it depends on the situation.

 

If you were going back and forth with your ex after the break up for a few years, trying to working things out, etc, yea I can see why it could totally f someone up to the point of obsession.

 

however, if you haven't even been in contact with them for a year or so, that's a different story, and kinda sad.

 

 

"let things go simply for the reason that they are heavy."

[Satu]

I thought everybody had that one person that they never truly get over. It may not prevent you from moving on and loving again, but they are never forgotten. At least I do anyway.

 

Nothing outside you can prevent you from moving on and loving again. The only thing that can stop you is yourself.

[Tayken]

Nothing outside you can prevent you from moving on and loving again. The only thing that can stop you is yourself.

 

 

Can I get a Hallelujah. Interesting quotes

 

“Freedom is the will to be responsible to ourselves”

Friedrich Nietzsche

 

“Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.”

George Bernard Shaw

 

 

“Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the high road to pride, self-esteem and personal satisfaction.”

Brian Tracy

 

“The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs.”

Joan Didion

[BC1980]

I've had four relationships, and it took different amounts of time to get over each of them. I really think most of it had to do with how much I valued the relationship and how long I kept in contact with the person. I was on and off with a guy for 2 years, and, when I cut it off, it took maybe a month to get over him. There was no effort involved in me moving on. One guy I dated for not even 6 months, and it took me 6 months to get over him. He really hurt me because he just disappeared on me with no explanation. It was just bizarre, and I never got an answer, never spoke to him again.

 

I'm just now getting over my last ex. I would go ahead and say I am over him, but I still wonder if something will happen that will bring up memories. I worry about that. He left me in April 2013. One big problem was that I kept in contact with him for several months, and we were in this place where he was saying he might want to work it out. So I've only been NC for a year. That, and it was emotionally abusive. I think he was probably a narcissist. He did a number on me and my self-esteem like no one has, and I went though a very depressed time. Also, I was very close to his son for 3 yrs, so I had to grieve that loss as well.

 

OP, I was like you until my last breakup. I used to wonder why people would pine over an ex and not move on until it happened to me. I'm a lot more empathetic after this last breakup.

[lauren13]

I only gave this advice once to one person; but some people need to try to get back with their exes, maybe not only once, but twice; because they actually need to suffer more to understand and see the relationship in perspective.

 

I'm more like you OP; once someone hurts me - I'm done, but some people need to get screwed over and over again to finally realize it's not leading anywhere, otherwise they are stuck with the "what if" and the feeling they haven't done everything in their power to fix things. Essentially, leaving something "unfinished" is a very hard thing to do, and that feeling can last.

[Got it]

How people move on is on a spectrum based on their emotional make up. The romantic relationship can trigger or showcase past childhood issues that they are trying to resolve so if they have attachment disorders this can show an extreme on either end of the spectrum. How people handle break ups shows their emotional health and a break up, especially if not our decision, really triggers any abandonment issues, attachment issues, codependency, etc.

 

But equally unhealthy are those that keep their relationships at arm's length and can shut things off and move on with no concerns.

 

Different relationships have triggered different things with me. While I have been stuck in "wishing" in different relationships growing up, outwardly I have had too much ego to show they had any impact. I am more of a "fine it's over" mentality and will not lower/expose/open myself up to show that I cared for them to come back.

 

I have also had relationships, my ex husband was one, where when we were dating we would keep breaking up and getting back together. Some of it was a process we needed to go through, some of it was codependency on both ends, etc. But ultimately I do find that when I am done, I am done. It is a switch that is flipped and I am done. I love them as a person, want the best for them, but any romantic feelings no longer exist and will not exist.

 

When I was younger I would have residue feelings, like in my early twenties, but as I have gotten older, and hopefully more mature, I see the fruitless in that. My rule of thumb, if a relationship has ended there is usually a good reason so a rerun won't change things.

[somedude81]

Last night's Christmas party with my family really made me miss my ex. I kept imagining what it would be like if she was there. How she would talk to my cousins and play with the little kids.

 

For quite a few years I've always felt bad at the parties because I never brought a GF with me. She was the first girl I could have brought. But as it stands I have yet to bring a girl to a gathering and introduce her to my family. At 33 that's pretty pathetic.

 

Most of all I feel that she is the only girl that has ever really liked me. She showed me love and affection when nobody else had.

 

I really hate the fact that she never gave me a second chance. Hell she wasn't willing to talk to me in person at all. The last time I saw her was when she dumped me. Ever since then I kept wondering what if.

 

Either way it doesn't matter anymore as I know she is with a new guy. I just wish I could have somebody to replace her, so I don't keep missing a girl I haven't seen in a year.

[Got it]

Last night's Christmas party with my family really made me miss my ex. I kept imagining what it would be like if she was there. How she would talk to my cousins and play with the little kids.

 

For quite a few years I've always felt bad at the parties because I never brought a GF with me. She was the first girl I could have brought. But as it stands I have yet to bring a girl to a gathering and introduce her to my family. At 33 that's pretty pathetic.

 

Most of all I feel that she is the only girl that has ever really liked me. She showed me love and affection when nobody else had.

 

I really hate the fact that she never gave me a second chance. Hell she wasn't willing to talk to me in person at all. The last time I saw her was when she dumped me. Ever since then I kept wondering what if.

 

Either way it doesn't matter anymore as I know she is with a new guy. I just wish I could have somebody to replace her, so I don't keep missing a girl I haven't seen in a year.

 

Are you actually missing her or the IDEA of her? You are creating fantasy moments in your head but that doesn't mean that in actuality those scenarios would have played out like that.

 

I suggest you really look at seeing her for who she truly is than your fantasy of her. It is a major red flag, and a very cowardly act, that she wasn't willing to see you face to face. Unless there is more there that she felt like you were a threat to her, or you were ignoring things that she would bring up, her behavior is very conflict avoiding. That is not a good trait to have in a romantic partner.

[somedude81]

Are you actually missing her or the IDEA of her? You are creating fantasy moments in your head but that doesn't mean that in actuality those scenarios would have played out like that.

 

Yes they are just a fantasy. Though I know what kind of person she is and how she would interact with my family. It's not like she would just sit on a couch and not talk to anybody.

 

I suggest you really look at seeing her for who she truly is than your fantasy of her. It is a major red flag, and a very cowardly act, that she wasn't willing to see you face to face. Unless there is more there that she felt like you were a threat to her, or you were ignoring things that she would bring up, her behavior is very conflict avoiding. That is not a good trait to have in a romantic partner.

 

She did see me face-to-face for the actual breakup, but not after. And I know she had had no reason to see me after it happened. Though I do think it was cowardly that she didn't want to see me a little bit later where I would have actually been able to talk to her instead of being in shock from getting suddenly dumped.

 

That doesn't really matter that much anymore because I know that I'll never see her again...

 

I just really miss the love that I felt with her.

[Tayken]

That doesn't really matter that much anymore because I know that I'll never see her again...

 

There you have it...you have no control over the matter, and better to savour your energy towards finding something even better