Obsession with "exes"

[Gloria25]

Ok, I just don't get how some people cannot move on from an ex.

 

I've dated some interesting guys. Really, I have...

 

But, I don't sit around daydreaming as to "one day what "if"" I'd get back with them, have another chance with them, etc.

 

Now, when I've first broken up with someone, yeah, I've had all the "Wishin' and a hopin' and a prayin'" they'd change their mind, what if in the future we - like in the movies - get back together...

 

But guess what? ONE DAY, one day I wake up and it's like "poof". I'm done. Like the Ace of Base song - 'I saw the sign' Hallelujah, I don't care ANYMORE.

 

I could see you dealing with a break up weeks, months, but a year? Two years? Three years? Really?

 

Look, again, I've dated some interesting guys - I mean, some people look at their "first" or the first person to show them attention as someone "special", but gosh darn, then they start talking about how that person was a jerk/cheater/etc.

 

So, just cuz they were your "first" and/or the first person to show you attention they get a pass on being who they were the whole time - a jerk and/or a skank?

 

So help me out people cuz I just don't get it.

 

I've been alone on/off over the years - it sucks bad...but, I rather be alone than hold on to "someone" cuz they gave me candy one day. Shoot, why would them giving me candy one day even matter if they hurt, lied, cheated to/on me?

 

Also, you think that if I meet someone who treated me better I'm gonna sit there missing an ex who pooped on me? NO, I'm gonna be banging the crap out of my new hottie. I mean, I can see where after a break up you start dating and the matches suck, but if you meet someone better than your ex - why dwell on the ex? Are you a glutton for punishment?

 

So, again, please, please help me out here. Cuz, I just don't get being obsessed with an ex - like three years after you all broke up. I don't get it.

[Satu]

I'm a great believer in letting the past be the past. I don't want to forget any of my experiences - even the 'bad' ones, but there's no way I'd let the past spoil the present.

 

No way.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Damn how odd, about a half hour ago I was thinking about starting a thread on pretty much this very thing because it confuses me as well. I've heard a lot of people talk about how hung up on their exes they still are and I actually find it deeply disturbing when they mention how much trouble they're having with moving on, even after YEARS. It doesn't even matter how the relationship ended or how badly that person may have treated them.

 

To be perfectly honest with you, I find the whole thing rather pathetic.

 

It's even worse when you have people who are in NEW relationships yet still pining after their ex. It's all so...disrespectful and sad. I don't know, sometimes I feel like maybe I've never really been in love or loved anybody at all because I've never felt so deeply about someone that I just can't move on. When something ends, yeah it can hurt for a while but jesus, I'm really struggling to see where some people are coming from.

Edited December 24, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[Gloria25]

A lot of guys have that girl who got away. That's tough to get over. When I was younger, I was a pretty crappy boyfriend. Hard to believe, right? I dated a couple really great women and I screwed it up with them. It took me a while to accept that I messed things up and to not try and pursue anything again.

 

Well, I've looked at a few past RLs and asked myself what I could have done better....

 

But, I didn't sit around and torture myself over it. I didn't believe that the only way I could learn and/or "redeem" myself was to get back with X person.

 

I once, called a few guys I met/dated and asked them some stuff about "me" and "us"...My intent was to "learn" from it - not to get back with them.

 

All of this, I gotta go back and work on it, to me is like brewing a bad cup of coffee. You try to put some instant coffee in it to "fix" it, but usually the best thing is to dump the bad brew and brew over again. And, this time, pay attention to the amount of water and coffee you put in.

[santac]

I'm still obsessed with my ex-girlfriend 3 years later (you read my post).

 

I can't find a real explication to this. I wrote everything that was in my mind in my topic, so people could help me order my ideas.

 

The reasons I think I didn't get over her are:

 

1) We didn't have full sex (only oral sex). She started doing it with the guy she cheated me with. This is like a huge wound in my pride. I'm sorry, I can't help feeling bad for this.

 

2) I have been with 2-3 new women, not everyone was a "girlfriend", since then. But I'm pretty sure I couldn't feel the same for them. Not even when I lost my virginity to one of them. I didn't feel that love that made my days so intense... I think these girls weren't good enough for me.

 

3) Even if my ex was bad with me, I still have the idea of talking with her, as a new person, and see what happens... every single day of my life I think about doing this.

 

 

No contact should have helped me, but it really didn't beause I saw her sometimes at college. New girls didn't help.

 

All my hopes are now in my pills and therapy... whyle I study and do sport to make my life good enough again...

 

But yeah... I still love her.

[Gloria25]

Damn how odd, about a half hour ago I was thinking about starting a thread on pretty much this very thing because it confuses me as well. I've heard a lot of people talk about how hung up on their exes they still are and I actually find it deeply disturbing when they mention how much trouble they're having with moving on, even after YEARS. It doesn't even matter how the relationship ended or how badly that person may have treated them.

 

To be perfectly honest with you, I find the whole thing rather pathetic.

 

It's even worse when you have people who are in NEW relationships yet still pining after their ex. It's all so...disrespectful and sad. I don't know, sometimes I feel like maybe I've never really been in love or loved anybody at all because I've never felt so deeply about someone that I just can't move on. When something ends, yeah it can hurt for a while but jesus, I'm really struggling to see where some people are coming from.

 

Exactly, I'm here wondering if I'm a sociopath or something - cuz obviously I can't "feel"?

 

I mean, some people remember the first day they met someone. The actual "date" they did this or that with that person. Really? I can't even remember the year I met anyone I've dated. I don't care. I really don't. How is remembering the day you first smooched important?

 

If, and "if" I get married, yeah, I'd probably remember our anniversary or the day he proposed - but that's about it. Geesh.

 

And the whole "pinning" after an ex - while you're in a serious RL. That scares me. I would hate to be in love with someone and they're perpetrating a fraud. I mean, some people like to keep their options open, some like to get their egos stroked, but gosh darn - at some point you gotta draw the line.

 

There was a Sex and the City where Skip was obsessed with Miranda. He was having sex with a new chick (beautiful, great chick) and Miranda called him after running into him and her earlier that evening.

 

Skip, in the middle of having sex - being inside the new girl - said he had to break up with new girl to be with Miranda. The girl was like 'do you realize that you are inside of me while you're breaking up with me?'. That was sick and rude, IMO.

 

Well, Miranda saw Skip as her 'boy toy' cuz he was too "nice". But gosh darn, even Skip, after a while grew tired of Miranda. In a few shows after he broke up with that chick during sex, he and Miranda cross paths and he literally told her to stay the F- away and ran across the street.

 

So if Skip can "see the sign", how many beatings do some guys need to have before they get over their ex already?

[Gloria25]

 

But yeah... I still love her.

 

I'm sorry, but this is not "love"....love is "awe, admiration, respect". From what you posted, I do not see where I have awe, respect, or admiration for this chick.

 

You said it yourself in your posts. She was the first one to show you attention in a time where people treated you poorly. That somehow is "fixed" in your head.

 

I highly recommend you get off the pills and see a psycho therapist.

 

My dad was a jerk, and over the years I've seen how my relationship with him has influenced my choice in males and my relationships.

 

We tend to reenact things from our childhood in our relationships - especially romantic ones.

[santac]

I'm sorry, but this is not "love"....love is "awe, admiration, respect". From what you posted, I do not see where I have awe, respect, or admiration for this chick.

 

You said it yourself in your posts. She was the first one to show you attention in a time where people treated you poorly. That somehow is "fixed" in your head.

 

I highly recommend you get off the pills and see a psycho therapist.

 

My dad was a jerk, and over the years I've seen how my relationship with him has influenced my choice in males and my relationships.

 

We tend to reenact things from our childhood in our relationships - especially romantic ones.

 

You're right.. then I should erase all these ideas of talking to her one day

[Satu]

The present is more valuable than the past.

 

In the present you have freedom of action, and the opportunity to put lessons learned into practice.

 

It's not possible to squeeze any more happiness out of the past, but happiness can be experienced in the present.

 

We are alive now, not then.

[Gloria25]

You're right.. then I should erase all these ideas of talking to her one day

 

No, I think you need to talk to her. You need to get back with her.

 

Cuz, three years and with all the chicks, therapy, pills, etc. you said you tried, then you need to get back with the ex.

 

I think that's the best solution here. You need to just get back with her and stop popping pills and leading other chicks on.

[Satu]

I'm still obsessed with my ex-girlfriend 3 years later (you read my post).

 

I can't find a real explication to this. I wrote everything that was in my mind in my topic, so people could help me order my ideas.

 

The reasons I think I didn't get over her are:

 

1) We didn't have full sex (only oral sex). She started doing it with the guy she cheated me with. This is like a huge wound in my pride. I'm sorry, I can't help feeling bad for this.

 

2) I have been with 2-3 new women, not everyone was a "girlfriend", since then. But I'm pretty sure I couldn't feel the same for them. Not even when I lost my virginity to one of them. I didn't feel that love that made my days so intense... I think these girls weren't good enough for me.

 

3) Even if my ex was bad with me, I still have the idea of talking with her, as a new person, and see what happens... every single day of my life I think about doing this.

 

 

No contact should have helped me, but it really didn't beause I saw her sometimes at college. New girls didn't help.

 

All my hopes are now in my pills and therapy... whyle I study and do sport to make my life good enough again...

 

But yeah... I still love her.

 

Projection of hope - a useless idea that leads nowhere.

[Gloria25]

No, I think you need to talk to her. You need to get back with her.

 

Cuz, three years and with all the chicks, therapy, pills, etc. you said you tried, then you need to get back with the ex.

 

I think that's the best solution here. You need to just get back with her and stop popping pills and leading other chicks on.

 

I mean, you can do only so much for a person, they're gonna do what they wanna do.

 

I was watching the Strange Criminal Addiction again last night on ID and some people rather give into the addiction than do the hard work (often therapy) to change. Then, good, satisfy your addiction - get with the ex.

[santac]

I mean, you can do only so much for a person, they're gonna do what they wanna do.

 

I was watching the Strange Criminal Addiction again last night on ID and some people rather give into the addiction than do the hard work (often therapy) to change. Then, good, satisfy your addiction - get with the ex.

 

I don't wanna make the wrong decission..

And it's not that simple. Even If I wanted to get back with my ex, thats pretty much impossible. She hasn't shown any sign of wanting to know about me in 3 years = she doesn't care. I have near no chance of getting her back.

 

I prefer doing the hard work... there must be something I have done wrong these years so I still am addicted to her.

 

Projection of hope, yes, thats probably the problem...

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I mean, you can do only so much for a person, they're gonna do what they wanna do.

 

I was watching the Strange Criminal Addiction again last night on ID and some people rather give into the addiction than do the hard work (often therapy) to change. Then, good, satisfy your addiction - get with the ex.

 

I know this is like reverse psychology but I've actually told a few people this before, or at the very least, told them to just stay stuck on their exes and stop trying to move on using other people.

 

Actually sometimes I seriously wish the majority of these people really COULD get back with their exes. A second go round can really help put things in perspective.

 

I had an ex from back when I was 18/19. He was my "first" everything but wound up using my already low self-esteem against me and treated me like s**t. It took me years to get over him, well, actually not so much "him" (as I had long since ceased to have any feelings for him) but the damage he did. And I did still sort of idealize him in my head as this "perfect" (though not for me) guy who was cute, intelligent, suave and talented (he was a musician of course).

 

Then, suddenly he found me on Facebook and wanted to reconnect. I agreed to meet him eventually and we ended up going several times (as friends) and staying in limited contact. Holy s**t that guy was an idiot. Not only was he not one quarter as hot as I remembered, he wasn't very intelligent either. The only thing he had going for him was that he could play several instruments but otherwise, he was an unemployed loser still living with his mom. He had no game, no sense of style and was pretty corny on to boot.

 

Whatever notions I had about his supposed perfection went right out the damn window. I think this would often be the case with all those who moan about their beloved exes all the time. Sometimes a second chance, or simply being able to spend more time with them post-rejection can help lift some of the fog.

[Satu]

I mean, you can do only so much for a person, they're gonna do what they wanna do.

 

I was watching the Strange Criminal Addiction again last night on ID and some people rather give into the addiction than do the hard work (often therapy) to change. Then, good, satisfy your addiction - get with the ex.

 

I'm with Freud on this one:

 

There's a drive towards life, (to be), and a drive towards death, (not to be).

 

The drive towards life is the desire to experience, to learn, to grow, to have hunger and have it be satisfied, to feel, to touch, to taste and to do.

 

The drive towards death resists all of the above.

 

The past is not a place where the drive towards life can be felt.

Edited December 24, 2014 by Satu

[Gloria25]

I don't wanna make the wrong decission..

And it's not that simple. Even If I wanted to get back with my ex, thats pretty much impossible. She hasn't shown any sign of wanting to know about me in 3 years = she doesn't care. I have near no chance of getting her back.

 

I prefer doing the hard work... there must be something I have done wrong these years so I still am addicted to her.

 

Projection of hope, yes, thats probably the problem...

 

Please see Lernaean_Hydra's post below this one of yours ^^....

 

You need to get back with the ex so you can see it with your own eyes. You have all these grandiose fantasies in your head and the only way you're gonna move on is to get with your ex and find out.

 

Now, like most people who show proclivities similar to yours - your ex is gonna chew you up and spit you out. And, you probably might break up again, and go back for more. Wash, rinse, repeat. But guess what? At least you won't be sitting around obsessing over it no more and/or wasting other chick's time.

[Gloria25]

I know this is like reverse psychology but I've actually told a few people this before, or at the very least, told them to just stay stuck on their exes and stop trying to move on using other people.

 

Actually sometimes I seriously wish the majority of these people really COULD get back with their exes. A second go round can really help put things in perspective.

 

I had an ex from back when I was 18/19. He was my "first" everything but wound up using my already low self-esteem against me and treated me like s**t. It took me years to get over him, well, actually not so much "him" (as I had long since ceased to have any feelings for him) but the damage he did. And I did still sort of idealize him in my head as this "perfect" (though not for me) guy who was cute, intelligent, suave and talented (he was a musician of course).

 

Then, suddenly he found me on Facebook and wanted to reconnect. I agreed to meet him eventually and we ended up going several times (as friends) and staying in limited contact. Holy s**t that guy was an idiot. Not only was he not one quarter as hot as I remembered, he wasn't very intelligent either. The only thing he had going for him was that he could play several instruments but otherwise, he was an unemployed loser still living with his mom. He had no game, no sense of style and was pretty corny on to boot.

 

Whatever notions I had about his supposed perfection went right out the damn window. I think this would often be the case with all those who moan about their beloved exes all the time. Sometimes a second chance, or simply being able to spend more time with them post-rejection can help lift some of the fog.

 

Girl, I feel ya...

 

My 6 year guy? After I joined the military and was done with training, we spent some time together and one day we were just eating at a restaurant - I took a good look at him and said to myself 'I'm so done with you, I've moved past you'.

 

I mean, we grow, we learn. I had some good times with him, but there was so many "wrong" things about that too. When I went home last year, part of me was thinking to look him up and I was like "why?". I'm really soooo past him. I really don't even wanna remember the fact that I was involved with him. Mind you, I really, really liked him. I even was jealous of other chicks liking him and stuff. I could go on and on...

[Satu]

[Tayken]

Ok, I just don't get how some people cannot move on from an ex.

 

I've dated some interesting guys. Really, I have...

 

But, I don't sit around daydreaming as to "one day what "if"" I'd get back with them, have another chance with them, etc.

 

Now, when I've first broken up with someone, yeah, I've had all the "Wishin' and a hopin' and a prayin'" they'd change their mind, what if in the future we - like in the movies - get back together...

 

But guess what? ONE DAY, one day I wake up and it's like "poof". I'm done. Like the Ace of Base song - 'I saw the sign' Hallelujah, I don't care ANYMORE.

 

I could see you dealing with a break up weeks, months, but a year? Two years? Three years? Really?

 

Look, again, I've dated some interesting guys - I mean, some people look at their "first" or the first person to show them attention as someone "special", but gosh darn, then they start talking about how that person was a jerk/cheater/etc.

 

So, just cuz they were your "first" and/or the first person to show you attention they get a pass on being who they were the whole time - a jerk and/or a skank?

 

So help me out people cuz I just don't get it.

 

I've been alone on/off over the years - it sucks bad...but, I rather be alone than hold on to "someone" cuz they gave me candy one day. Shoot, why would them giving me candy one day even matter if they hurt, lied, cheated to/on me?

 

Also, you think that if I meet someone who treated me better I'm gonna sit there missing an ex who pooped on me? NO, I'm gonna be banging the crap out of my new hottie. I mean, I can see where after a break up you start dating and the matches suck, but if you meet someone better than your ex - why dwell on the ex? Are you a glutton for punishment?

 

So, again, please, please help me out here. Cuz, I just don't get being obsessed with an ex - like three years after you all broke up. I don't get it.

 

 

Ahahaha..."bangin the hell out of the new hottie". I like that

 

As to your other question, I don't get it either, and the only think I can think of is that these people have low self esteem / think they can't do better / nobody else is willing to put up with their crap / they are delusional / have psychological issues

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Girl, I feel ya...

 

My 6 year guy? After I joined the military and was done with training, we spent some time together and one day we were just eating at a restaurant - I took a good look at him and said to myself 'I'm so done with you, I've moved past you'.

 

I mean, we grow, we learn. I had some good times with him, but there was so many "wrong" things about that too. When I went home last year, part of me was thinking to look him up and I was like "why?". I'm really soooo past him. I really don't even wanna remember the fact that I was involved with him. Mind you, I really, really liked him. I even was jealous of other chicks liking him and stuff. I could go on and on...

 

It's sad but I honestly think some people are just wired differently; like some people are just born with or without a "get over it gene". I mean, few people are completely immune to hurt after a breakup but most people move on eventually and see their ex and/or the relationship for what it was.

 

Even if it was "great" or the breakup was sudden and they didn't see it coming, most people can generally accept the fact that the past is the past. But then you have a select few who seem almost generically predisposed to obsession.I don't know, for me it's like, well if you didn't want me or things didn't work out, screw it, you weren't that great anyway.

 

The weirdest thing about all this is, though stereotypically one imagines women engaging in this sort of behavior, in my experience, men do this way more often.

[somedude81]

This is something I'm dealing with as well.

 

If my ex called me right now and wanted me to meet her somewhere I would drop everything I'm doing and go to where she is.

 

I'm trying to live my life the best I can without her, but I'm not over her. Though I do think a big part of that is that I haven't been able to replace her. She was the first girlfriend I ever had. And I feel like I waited 10 years to meet her. Not only that, when we were together my life was amazing, it was perfect. How am I supposed to get over that?

[Tayken]

This is something I'm dealing with as well.

 

If my ex called me right now and wanted me to meet her somewhere I would drop everything I'm doing and go to where she is.

 

I'm trying to live my life the best I can without her, but I'm not over her. Though I do think a big part of that is that I haven't been able to replace her. She was the first girlfriend I ever had. And I feel like I waited 10 years to meet her. Not only that, when we were together my life was amazing, it was perfect. How am I supposed to get over that?

 

 

Wow...seriously, by your life being "amazing" you mean you had a job, hobbies / interests?

 

Sounds like she has you where she wants you, and whilst she is out there doing whatever with whoever, she has you wrapped around a her little finger as backup plan.

 

Time to wake up, tell yourself that you are bigger than all that and find something else more healthy to occupy your life. It sounds to me like you are allowing the breakup to derail your life...hence the reason it is not "perfect" anymore.

[somedude81]

Wow...seriously, by your life being "amazing" you mean you had a job, hobbies / interests?

 

Uh, yeah I had hobbies and interests.

 

Sounds like she has you where she wants you, and whilst she is out there doing whatever with whoever, she has you wrapped around a her little finger as backup plan.

 

I'm exactly where she wants me, out of her life. I seriously doubt she will ever contact me again.

 

Time to wake up, tell yourself that you are bigger than all that and find something else more healthy to occupy your life. It sounds to me like you are allowing the breakup to derail your life...hence the reason it is not "perfect" anymore.

 

The six months I was with her was the only time in my life where I could say that I truly felt happy.

[Satu]

Uh, yeah I had hobbies and interests.

 

 

 

I'm exactly where she wants me, out of her life. I seriously doubt she will ever contact me again.

 

 

 

The six months I was with her was the only time in my life where I could say that I truly felt happy.

 

Getting over the first one isn't easy.

 

If you haven't already done so, go No Contact - no direct contact, no indirect contact through third parties, or social media.

 

Delete and block.

 

That's where the healing starts.

[Gloria25]

The six months I was with her was the only time in my life where I could say that I truly felt happy.

 

Someone shouldn't be the sole reason for your happiness, they should add to it.

 

And, after reading your other thread, I believe that you have a lot of work to do on yourself.