Should I tell this girl that her bf has been flirting with me and has a POF profile?

[recycledheart]

I have been in a happy, loving relationship for 9 months now. However, long before I met my current boyfriend, I was casually seeing the guy in question for about 2 months -we'll call him 'Dave' to make things easier. We stopped seeing eachother as we wanted different things. I wanted something serious, he didn't. Regardless, we got on well and decided to stay friends.

 

After months of no contact, he messages me on Skype out of the blue, and asks how I'm doing. I tell him things are great, I'm happy and in a relationship. 'Dave' is happy for me, and asks if we can meet for a catch up drink.

 

So I go to meet him, and he tells me that he's recently broken up with his long term girlfriend. 'Dave' says she cheated on him with another guy and she's now in a relationship with this person. 'Dave' also laments the fact that he has to see her later that day to collect his stuff from her place. Eventually conversation returns to normal topics.

 

Anyway, after this, 'Dave' starts texting me in the evenings after work. The conversations start off friendly and normal, then they get flirty, then plain sexual. At one point he was propositioning me for sex, saying he 'knows I want it' and that 'it's going to happen eventually'. I tell him no. Of course it won't happen. I am happy and in love with my boyfriend.

 

He hasn't spoken to me since -which I'm happy about- clearly he didn't want to be 'just friends'.

 

When we met for that drink he told me his girlfriends name. A couple of days ago, out of curiosity, I looked her up on facebook. She has been posting pictures of them together on a regular basis since the beginning of the year. Her current picture is of her and 'Dave' together as a couple. They're not broken up, she doesn't have a new boyfriend, and she certainly didn't cheat. 'Dave' is a disgusting liar, he's been spreading lies about her.

 

I did some digging, googled his skype username, and discovered a dating site profile under that username. The pictures are all of 'Dave' and he's been updating it regularly. I really want to tell this poor girl about what this awful guy has been doing behind her back, but I don't know how to go about it. Any advice on this matter would be helpful.

[Gloria25]

I say let it be...

 

While I think regular "snooping" on someone you're dating is a sign of serious trust issues, I think some women don't pay enough attention to red flags.

 

If his gf doesn't know, then something's really wrong here.

 

I mean, when you date someone, unless they're like CIA really good (well even CIA guys seem to have a problem with hiding their profession from their SO), you start noticing things about your partner that make you realize that something's fishy here.

 

Like the "evening texts", how could his gf miss that?

 

But then again, you said they recently broke up. Maybe he/she hasn't gotten to updating his/her FB and/or intends to leave stuff of them up there in hopes they and he get back together. Maybe she's "juggling" several guys and leaves her FB a certain way to keep "Dave" on the hook while she dates others? I mean, even though he set up a dating profile, doesn't mean he's automatically letting people he meet know about his/her FB page.

 

At the end of the day, you don't know for sure what's going on there. Better not to act without having all the "facts" available.

[littleblackheart]

No doubt your intentions are good; all the same, it's a bit puzzling that you would want to spend this (or even any) amount of time on such a thorough background check on an ex and his gf who, from what I understand, is essentially a complete stranger to you.

 

 

You've already done the honourable thing - that's rejecting "Dave"'s advances. I would personally leave it at that; everything else is out of your hands, and not really any of your business (with all due respect, of course).

[preraph]

Just anonymously send her the link to his Skype profile. Don't say anything because if she knows you're a female, she might think it's you trying to break them up. Set up something anonymous and that doesn't have a profile or tell your sex and just email her the link and put "FYI." Let her handle the rest.

[ascendotum]

I'm generally for 'live and let live'. If you came across this information as a result of a different set of circumstances I'd say just leave it and its not really your business.....however...Dave inadvertently made his dirty business up for evaluation when he tried to get in your pants, imo.

You got all 'colombo' on this and dug up info he didn't freely divulge, but at the same time he tried to dupe you. He was putting pressure on you to do the dirty on your bf, like he was doing to his gf. imo he stepped over the line in doing that + he fed you a bunch of BS in relation to it. You have not suffered any loss here and its not your job to be moral crusader, but you know the guy is a cheating sleazebag + generally people don't like to see cheats prosper + you might put your self in his gf's shoes and would hope someone would do you the favor and tip you off anonymously if your bf was doing the same as Dave.

[littleblackheart]

I'm generally for 'live and let live'. If you came across this information as a result of a different set of circumstances I'd say just leave it and its not really your business.....however...Dave inadvertently made his dirty business up for evaluation when he tried to get in your pants, imo.

You got all 'colombo' on this and dug up info he didn't freely divulge, but at the same time he tried to dupe you. He was putting pressure on you to do the dirty on your bf, like he was doing to his gf. imo he stepped over the line in doing that + he fed you a bunch of BS in relation to it. You have not suffered any loss here and its not your job to be moral crusader, but you know the guy is a cheating sleazebag + generally people don't like to see cheats prosper + you might put your self in his gf's shoes and would hope someone would do you the favor and tip you off anonymously if your bf was doing the same as Dave.

 

 

I would respectfully disagree - I found out my ex was unfaithful on my own accord and I would have been absolutely mortified to have found out from someone else, especially someone I don't know. A few friends did try and warn me but I refused point blank to listen to them, and in hindsight I also ignored some telling red flags because I wasn't ready for it.

 

 

Knowing absolutely nothing of the gf and the nature of their relationship, it's not the OP's place to break the news. 'Dave' did nothing more than what any other sleazebag trying their luck would do (that's what attached people do when they want to play away - they lie through their teeth).

 

 

If the OP knew his gf, that would have been a different story; as it is, the OP took it upon herself to unravel 'Dave' 's web of lies 'out of curiosity' by actively looking up the gf's name.

 

 

Chances are the gf won't just thank her lucky stars and be grateful she has an anonymous guardian angel watching over her - she'll probably want to know how the info came about (I know I would); apart from anything else, I really can't see how this is going to be well received but hey, it's your prerogative OP...

[Gloria25]

I would respectfully disagree - I found out my ex was unfaithful on my own accord and I would have been absolutely mortified to have found out from someone else, especially someone I don't know. A few friends did try and warn me but I refused point blank to listen to them, and in hindsight I also ignored some telling red flags because I wasn't ready for it.

 

 

Knowing absolutely nothing of the gf and the nature of their relationship, it's not the OP's place to break the news. 'Dave' did nothing more than what any other sleazebag trying their luck would do (that's what attached people do when they want to play away - they lie through their teeth).

 

 

If the OP knew his gf, that would have been a different story; as it is, the OP took it upon herself to unravel 'Dave' 's web of lies 'out of curiosity' by actively looking up the gf's name.

 

 

Chances are the gf won't just thank her lucky stars and be grateful she has an anonymous guardian angel watching over her - she'll probably want to know how the info came about (I know I would); apart from anything else, I really can't see how this is going to be well received but hey, it's your prerogative OP...

 

On top of this ^^....IMO, the OP has no "facts"...The OP just has her "assumptions" of what's going on.

[Ieris]

If my boyfriend was doing that, I would like to know and I wouldn't care who told me.

 

I once had a girl call me, saying she was his girlfriend and I said so am I. We had a long chat and we met up for coffee the next day to piece together the lies he was feeding us. He was shaking in his boots haha

 

I'm grateful that she called me because if not, I would have been played like a fool and not know what's going on...

[BlueIvy]

I would want to know, whether from a stranger or friend because then I won't have to waste my time with a cheater.

[Satu]

She needs to know, but he will call you a liar, and she will want to believe him.

 

Give an anonymous tip off.

 

Stay out of the firing line.

[stillafool]

I personally don't understand why you went out for a drink with this guy without inviting your bf to come along. Does he know you did this? Also you have spent an enormous amount of time playing detective to find out his business. I think you should mind your own business now and not worry about what your ex is doing.

[Sanman]

You may be right and you may be wrong. You know nothing of the situation other than,what you infer from a little Internet snooping. Maybe she did cheat and he is moving on, but she does not know it yet. I had an ex leaves pics up and refuse to break up with me or return my stuff (and she still technically owes me $500). Then again, he may be a creep. Why let the drama enter your world?

[littleblackheart]

Stay out of the firing line.

 

 

I agree that she should know, and she will in due course if needs be but that ^^ is wishful thinking. The tip off won't be anonymous for long (the gf will likely want to know how everything came about, as anyone would) and then the OP will be the first - and most probably the only one - in the firing line.

 

 

Also, who knows what the gf already knows - your bf's wandering ways is not the kind of stuff you'd publically advertise on your fb wall, and the gf's fb profile is the only thing the OP has to go on, not actually knowing anything about the gf, their relationship or the current situation they're in. She exercised sound moral judgement by ignoring the guy's advances so she did her part, but if she is determined to act on this, she should be prepared for the possible fall-out, and that won't necessarily translate into warm thanks from the wronged party...

[almond]

I'll go against the grain here and say that I think I would tell her everything.

 

I'd send her a Facebook message, with links to screen shots of all texts, and a factual account including dates of the meeting with dot points outlining key things he has said. A link to the dating profile too, obviously.

 

Tell her absolutely everything you know, then block her and him, and move on.

 

What she does with the info is up to her, but I believe telling her is the right thing to do, and what I would wish for someone to do for me if I were to find myself in such a situation.

 

Also - you're in a new relationship. Next time a fling of a few weeks contacts you and asks you to meet up, I'd decline. I'd also think twice about replying to flirty texts, allowing them to escalate to the point where they're outright sexual. Once you knocked back his sexual advances, he left you alone. You could have put a stop to this earlier, and saved potential trouble in your new relationship.

[ascendotum]

I would respectfully disagree - I found out my ex was unfaithful on my own accord and I would have been absolutely mortified to have found out from someone else, especially someone I don't know. A few friends did try and warn me but I refused point blank to listen to them, and in hindsight I also ignored some telling red flags because I wasn't ready for it.

 

 

Knowing absolutely nothing of the gf and the nature of their relationship, it's not the OP's place to break the news. 'Dave' did nothing more than what any other sleazebag trying their luck would do (that's what attached people do when they want to play away - they lie through their teeth).

 

Personally I think the vast majority of people would love to know if their bf/gf was banging others behind their back, and would not care how they picked up the clues, though I'm sure some would prefer no one knew what was going on. I would rather get an anonymous tip now than find out in 2 yrs time somehow by accidentally finding some incriminating evidence on her laptop or have her tell me about it in spite after we break up. I would be curious who the mystery person was and how they knew, but if I'm looking at a OKC profile of my gf shopping around for some fun times with dudes online, that's good enough for me to capitalize on this bit of gold info. I wont be in a quandary over it.

 

I also think Dave is bit more than any ol single sleazebag trying his luck. He's not just trying his luck on a female friend. He's trying his luck on on a female friend which he is pushing to cheat on her bf, while also himself being in a relationship.

 

I did not track down the wives/gfs/bfs of the people having affairs at work over the years as an outside observer or getting it 2nd hand from others, but if the situation became personal where the woman tried to involve me + they lied to me, or I knew their partner quite well I'd think about it.

[littleblackheart]

I'll go against the grain here and say that I think I would tell her everything.

 

I'd send her a Facebook message, with links to screen shots of all texts, and a factual account including dates of the meeting with dot points outlining key things he has said. A link to the dating profile too, obviously.

 

Tell her absolutely everything you know, then block her and him, and move on.

 

What she does with the info is up to her, but I believe telling her is the right thing to do, and what I would wish for someone to do for me if I were to find myself in such a situation.

 

Also - you're in a new relationship. Next time a fling of a few weeks contacts you and asks you to meet up, I'd decline. I'd also think twice about replying to flirty texts, allowing them to escalate to the point where they're outright sexual. Once you knocked back his sexual advances, he left you alone. You could have put a stop to this earlier, and saved potential trouble in your new relationship.

 

 

Taking the responsibility of meddling in and potentially breaking up a relationship based on not much and a heightened sense of moral duty (not always a winning combination, IMO) isn't to be made lightly - this isn't a movie, there are real life consequences to these actions. Any normal person, upon receiving this kind of information, won't just accept this as facts and will likely want to discuss it with the one who sent it. Blocking people only works in the virtual world, and there's a chance 'Dave' won't take this one lying down...

 

 

OP, if you were to decide to tell her everything (completely your choice, of course), you should carefully think about the ramifications of this decision on the other couple's relationship, and also on yours, although I'm assuming that your boyfriend already knows you were propositioned by an ex you agreed to meet, and will be ready to back you up no questions asked.

[almond]

Taking the responsibility of meddling in and potentially breaking up a relationship based on not much and a heightened sense of moral duty (not always a winning combination, IMO) isn't to be made lightly - this isn't a movie, there are real life consequences to these actions. Any normal person, upon receiving this kind of information, won't just accept this as facts and will likely want to discuss it with the one who sent it. Blocking people only works in the virtual world, and there's a chance 'Dave' won't take this one lying down...

 

 

OP, if you were to decide to tell her everything (completely your choice, of course), you should carefully think about the ramifications of this decision on the other couple's relationship, and also on yours, although I'm assuming that your boyfriend already knows you were propositioned by an ex you agreed to meet, and will be ready to back you up no questions asked.

 

If I were in this situation, I wouldn't consider myself to be the one responsible for "breaking up" this relationship - the douche only has himself to blame for that. Also, I don't see how this guy propositioning her for sex, having an active dating profile, lying about being single etc. can be considered as "not much?"

 

I also don't feel that you can attribute telling his partner to a "heightened sense of moral duty." Quite simply, if my boyfriend was doing this to me, I'd want to be told. Do unto others...

 

And I'm well aware that life isn't a movie, thanks

 

If she shares absolutely everything she knows, with proof, there is nothing further to discuss and she has no obligation to allow contact. If she chooses to go down this road, she should make it clear that she has shared all information, and wishes to move on from that point. Links to the dating profile and screenshots of the texts are enough - it's up to her to take it from there. And I assure you that blocking from social media and all phone contact works in real life, not just the virtual world. Of course there is risk of some harassment, and OP needs to decide whether she feels it worth it or not to go down the path of disclosure.

 

I disagree that she needs to think of the ramifications that sharing the information could have on this couple's relationship - if they break up, it's simply because the gf has been lucky enough to have been given information that she needed to know. She has a right to know who she is sharing her bed and life with, and if OP wishes to share it, I applaud her.

[littleblackheart]

If I were in this situation, I wouldn't consider myself to be the one responsible for "breaking up" this relationship - the douche only has himself to blame for that. Also, I don't see how this guy propositioning her for sex, having an active dating profile, lying about being single etc. can be considered as "not much?"

 

I also don't feel that you can attribute telling his partner to a "heightened sense of moral duty." Quite simply, if my boyfriend was doing this to me, I'd want to be told. Do unto others...

 

And I'm well aware that life isn't a movie, thanks

 

If she shares absolutely everything she knows, with proof, there is nothing further to discuss and she has no obligation to allow contact. If she chooses to go down this road, she should make it clear that she has shared all information, and wishes to move on from that point. Links to the dating profile and screenshots of the texts are enough - it's up to her to take it from there. And I assure you that blocking from social media and all phone contact works in real life, not just the virtual world. Of course there is risk of some harassment, and OP needs to decide whether she feels it worth it or not to go down the path of disclosure.

 

I disagree that she needs to think of the ramifications that sharing the information could have on this couple's relationship - if they break up, it's simply because the gf has been lucky enough to have been given information that she needed to know. She has a right to know who she is sharing her bed and life with, and if OP wishes to share it, I applaud her.

 

 

Goes to show how differently people react to the same situation. I was in that situation not long ago so to me this isn't a hypothetical - not only I would not have believed it, I would also have put absolutely all possible blame onto the messenger, mainly because the thought that the most private details of my life have been thoroughly checked by someone I don't know would have shaken me quite badly.

 

 

A charitable person, unless they have absolutely no respect for the betrayed person and the consequences these types of revelations may have on them, will have at the very least the kindness to carry this through in person, if they cared that much.

 

 

Also, the guy may be a major sleazebag but he's also the OP's ex. Her own boyfriend might have something to say about her keeping in touch and meeting with an ex, and would most probably like the idea that he propositioned her even less.

 

 

My personal guess is that the OP is feeling guilty for putting herself in this situation in the first place, and that's part of the reason why she feels personally so invested to the point of actively looking up the gf's Facebook account 'out of curiosity', which is the only basis she has to go on, knowing nothing at all about the gf or the current situation they're in. No-one I know would do that, nor would they accept to meet exes for drinks and let it get to the point of explicit sexual messages.

 

 

That's my take on it but hey, trying to get as varied a perspective as possible is what these forums are for Ultimately, it's up to the OP to do whatever it is she feels right, and I wish her the best of luck in this tricky situation.

[Tayken]

@OP.....here is the thing, do the right thing and break it off if you know he has a gf. If you didn't know that would have been different, but the fact that you know and are still encouraging it says more about ones character.

 

Just remember what Karma is if you decide to still another person's bf.....

[recycledheart]

@OP.....here is the thing, do the right thing and break it off if you know he has a gf. If you didn't know that would have been different, but the fact that you know and are still encouraging it says more about ones character.

 

Just remember what Karma is if you decide to still another person's bf.....

 

OP here, did you not read my post properly? I have absolutely NO interest in him in a romantic/sexual way. After all this I have no interest in him at all. I want nothing to do with him. I'm not trying to 'steal' anyone's boyfriend. I am happy and in love with my own boyfriend thank you very much. I haven't spoken to him in weeks, there is nothing to 'break off', and there never was. I am not encouraging anything. If you had have taken the time to read my original post carefully, you would know that.

[Tayken]

OP here, did you not read my post properly? I have absolutely NO interest in him in a romantic/sexual way. After all this I have no interest in him at all. I want nothing to do with him. I'm not trying to 'steal' anyone's boyfriend. I am happy and in love with my own boyfriend thank you very much. I haven't spoken to him in weeks, there is nothing to 'break off', and there never was. I am not encouraging anything. If you had have taken the time to read my original post carefully, you would know that.

 

 

I read your post alright, but the question is...what do you hope to achieve by getting yourself involved with his gf? Don't you think merely ignoring the situation is best, unless of course you enjoy drama?

[recycledheart]

OP here. I have read all of your replies, and I've given the whole situation some thought.

 

These things have a way of coming out on their own. If he has a dating profile, he must be in contact with plenty of other girls, and there's no way that'll go unnoticed for much longer. The texts, the emails, the meetings with other girls. If he propositioned me for sex, he's surely done the same to others. He won't be able to keep this a secret forever.

 

I've decided to let things be. If I came out and told her about what he's been up to, she wouldn't believe me. It's my word against his at the end of the day. A complete stranger's word against her boyfriend's. He'd say I was lying and she'd believe him. I know I would if I were in her position.

[recycledheart]

I read your post alright, but the question is...what do you hope to achieve by getting yourself involved with his gf? Don't you think merely ignoring the situation is best, unless of course you enjoy drama?

 

If I were to tell her, which I've since decided that I'm not, I'd hope she'd break up with him. That's what I'd hope to achieve. I wouldn't be doing it for personal gain, I just don't think this girl deserves to be treated this way, no one does. What he's doing is disgusting, and I hate the thought of him getting away with it. Though as I said in the post I just made, I'm not going to tell her... she wouldn't believe me anyway.

[Tayken]

If I were to tell her, which I've since decided that I'm not, I'd hope she'd break up with him. That's what I'd hope to achieve. I wouldn't be doing it for personal gain, I just don't think this girl deserves to be treated this way, no one does. What he's doing is disgusting, and I hate the thought of him getting away with it. Though as I said in the post I just made, I'm not going to tell her... she wouldn't believe me anyway.

 

 

There you have it.....so you would have just got your knickers in a twist over nowt

[Danda]

I would tell her. But I would so by simply messaging her on FB and putting it a very specific way.

 

1. You know that Dave is actively trying to cheat on her and is smearing her behind her back, you looked her up and that is how you found out.

2. You would want someone to tell you if you were in her shoes.

3. You have additional evidence in the form of text messages that you can send/show her if she wants it, and then include a link to his OLD profile.

 

I get the impression that most people agree that it's best to leave things alone in this type of situation, but honestly my brain cannot understand that and probably never will. If someone knew my SO was disrespecting me so terribly, putting me at risk of DISEASES and slandering my name, and they knew I was oblivious to all of it, I would be frankly pissed if I found out they knew and never told me.

 

Maybe part of it is the fear of being blamed and sucked into the drama, but oh well. When people are emotionally wounded they can react in kinda crazy ways. But it's just a matter of understanding that - that they are wounded and might verbally lash out and accuse at first. But you're still doing them a massive favor and if they are sane beneath their pain, they will come around and be grateful, not mad at you, even if they need to limp off and never let you know it.

 

Idunno it's just my personality type. I don't go out of my way trying to white knight for the whole world, but if some nasty person is stupid enough to involve me, even as a witness, to their nastiness, then they're gonna get it. My brother's last girlfriend, before his current fiance, fooled around on him with his best friend, and my brother was in total denial. It was never a question for me at all to jump right into that fray and verbally slap my brother upside the head for tolerating such disrespect to himself, and the only reason I didn't beat that bitch's ass on the front lawn was because he finally stood up for himself and I didn't want to embarrass him by going into crazy-big-sister mode while he was doing so.

 

When you go out of your way to try to spare others from pain, yes you're putting your own butt on the line to some extent, but that is what humans are supposed to do for each other, in my opinion. Probably not as intensely as I tend to do it, admittedly, but to do it none the less.