Please help me move on from MM

[whatafool]

It breaks my heart to read all the letters of heartache from the OW in this forum. All the stories and lines seem so familiar. I am going out of my head with my own situation and prior to booking in with a mental health therapist thought I would try first getting your advice.

 

Here is my situation. Have been OW for one year on/off now. The first few months blew my mind away - I was totally besotted and convinced that I had met my soul mate - we are not young both in our 50s. Told me W had very bad temper, married her 5 years ago on rebound from first marriage was all big mistake (he met her two months after first W of 30 years left, moved in with her 2 months later and married her within the year) - all the familiar lines.

 

Said I was love of his life, was going to leave her, marry me, etc etc. problem was that I only got to see him at lunchtimes in my house 4 times a week, after three months this was getting boring to say the least. I did not have his home/mobile numbers and he was always claiming to be incredibly busy and that I was getting as much time as he could offer, ie. 4 lunchtimes a week. First hint of something major not right (this might make me sound horribly materialistic) was cheap watch (I don't wear watches) given me as birthday gift. Particularly after he told me he had spent hundreds and hundreds on his wife's 50th the previous year - trips to the theatre, meals, jewellery and a surpise birthday party for 60 people!

 

Our relationship has been off and on since then as to me I thought that my birthday was an opportunity of showing that he cared (more than the 4 lunchtimes a week his busy schedule would allow), but as soon as we make up we break up again. The relationship still does not move past week day lunch time visits to my house and there is still no contact whatsoever outside working hours, I don't have contact numbers and he claims it is too difficult to phone me - when we break up he makes out this is all my fault as I am needy. He is not a wimp, but acts like one saying that he 'has' to do this and 'has' to do that for his business, wife and her family - so I never get more than my four lunchtimes a week and consequently our relationship does not develop.

 

He says that he is waiting for the next time his wife looses her temper and then he is going to leave. I say, why not just leave if that's what you want to do. He says that if he left because of her going mad with him then it would not be considered his fault. Note: I believe that the wife does has serious anger/mental health problems and had actually been sectioned before he met her because of these problems. But he knew and accepted all this when he married her.

 

One of the reasons I find it hard to move on is that he has a local shop and I can't really avoid seeing him all the time he is there.

 

The thing is this is getting to me so much I even found myself (for just a moment) considering jumping in the lake yesterday. I know what the answers to my post will be, get out - but can someone just give me a very hard push, or the name of a good therapist - pleeeese?

[SoleMate]

Ohmigosh. Here comes another one! And I say that with all respect. Here's my advice for your situation:

 

1) Do not jump in the lake. Repeat, DO NOT JUMP IN THE LAKE. Your life is valuable, and it is worth way more than the pain you are suffering now.

 

2) I am convinced that OW in an OW/MM setup suffer more than almost those involved in almost any other kind of love problem. IT is very hard on the OW, so keep in mind that just day to day survival is an achievement.

 

3) I'd love to give you the name of a therapist, but first I need to know which continent you live on. I presume you don't want to fly to New Zealand twice a week...

 

4) My blood started boiling when reading your post. First, because he treats you like a fool and uses you like a garden tool; second, because you allow him to do so. Where is your backbone, WHERE IS YOUR SELF-RESPECT? You know deep down that he is lying to you and will inevitably leave you broken-hearted. Keep reading MM/OW threads on this forum and you will see your exact story, repeated endlessly. If anything will wake you up, this should.

 

5) Yes, his wife comes first in his life, his business second, his kids if any, third, the his parents, friends, bowling team members, accountant, neighbors, bookseller after that, and you, my dear, come dead last. He shows you again and again that you are worth nothing to him. I would like you to wake up to the offensiveness of his actions and let you know that if anyone is in need of a long walk off a short pier, it's him, not you. Not only does he treat you like cr*p, but he also rubs it in with his accusatory words. "You're so needy" - WHY? Because you want a whole relationship with a whole person!

 

6) His wife may well be nuts, but I believe that in many cases, one crazy person marries another. Your STBXMM has a boatload of dysfunctions himself. The more time you spend in his web of wacked-out thinking, the more it rubs off on you.

 

7) You're actually getting way less respect and good times than the average OW - and none of them get much.

 

8) Once you have dumped him and gone through an emotional purging process, do recall that there are LOTS OF MEN OUT THERE! The secret is, the better ones tend to be shyer because they do fear your rejection. (MM, on the other hand, although sneaky, are also bold in pursuit because they know they always have a female to go home to, no matter how bad they get shot down.) So be prepared to do some of the legwork to find a better quality man for a 1:1 relationship.

 

Keep posting, we're all about delivering repeated b*ttkickings to those who ask nicely for them......

[whatafool]

Thanks Solemate for such a good reply - it's like you really understand the situation especially when you said his accountant came before me, as that was the final straw for me. He cancelled our lunch time meeting yesterday at the last minute because his accountant had called and said he 'had' to see him at 1.45, he had no idea why the accountant 'had' to seem him, but he obviously had to cancel lunch with me because of it - he was supposed to be taking me out to eat, lol - and meet with the accountant who had demanded his presence at 1.45 - purleeeeese. I am told I am unreasonable to object to the accountant being put before me!

 

What has happened to me? Although older, I have always been attractive to men working alongside them in a highly competitive industry (IT) and have always been a winner. I have never married and am financially well off and now run my own successful business and I am allowing myself to be given the run around by this **@!!!e- help.

 

I appreciate your kind remarks about the lake - I won't ever do that - but it scared me that it crossed my mind.

 

I also like your remark about crazy people marrying each other, I had never considered that before - but it certainly seems valid.

 

Thanks so much again for your reply - btw if you do know of any good UK therapists I think it would benefit me to try and work out why I am allowing this to happen to me.

[izzybelle]

whatafool,

 

i am sorry for what you're going through, but as i'm sure you've noticed, there are a bunch of us who have been there before as well.

 

i know i had some fleeting thoughts about just walking into the river. THOSE THOUGHTS WILL PASS, but if you ever feel them becoming overwhelming, call a friend, a hotline, or go to the hospital. don't let MM and those thoughts get the best of you, and i'm sure you won't.

 

the fact that you're posting here and asking for help is an outstanding first step to being able to move on. and regardless of whether or not he's actually serious about leaving his marriage, your best bet for success for the two of you (assuming that may happen) is that the marriage die on it's own, without you in the picture. i know, i know, easy to say, hard to do. no doubt you'll have those fears that if you walk away now, that he seems SOOOOO close, that he'll think with you gone that there's no reason to leave, that he'll "forget" about you, the list of fears goes on and on. but what's the other option? you stay there, giving him his safety net and he continues to wait for the right time, or find excuses for not finding the "right" time to end his marriage. and you continue to bang your head against the wall until your head hurts so much you can no longer see straight.

 

in his defense, and i say this only from personal experience and i am by NO means saying that this is his case ..... OK? when i knew my marriage was over and i wanted a divorce it took me 6 months of building up the courage and waiting for the "right" time to tell him it was over. what it came down to was realizing that there would never be a "right" time and i just had to suck it up and get it over with. yes, there's the "need" to be able to tell them the marriage is over after they've done something so you can "blame" them...i understand that. but even assuming that this is the case, how long are you willing to put your life on hold waiting for him to find that right moment?

 

i could say that if it's meant to be, it will be. easy to say.... but so hard to accept the fact that if you walk away now, it may not end up happening. but remember the truth is that even if you stay there's no guarantee. any potential relationship with him will have a better chance of surviving if he ends his relationship on his own without knowing you're there in the wings, a heartbeat away. i'm not saying that you can't tell him that you'll be there for him someday when he has divorce papers in hand but that he needs to make the decision about his marriage in spite of you, not because of you.

 

i know the pain, and i know the agony and emptiness you feel. please, just do what's best for you and the rest will fall into place in its own time, or you'll move on. either way, you need to take care of you!

[whatafool]

izzybelle

 

Thank you so much for looking at my problem. I know what you say is right and I have always said to him that breaking up with his wife and marrying me are two totally different scenarios.

 

The thing is if I finish wish him - which is what I want to do - I know that he will just button down with his wife and try to make the best of it. But I just can't take anymore of being treated so badly and so have to move on. Also I say to myself if he is so selfish now in the little time we have, what would he be like 24x7?

 

My problem is I move on, and then after a few weeks I start feeling better and forget just how bad this feels now, and so start engineering ways to get him back in my sphere again, and it does not take much at all to get back to our lunch time meetings, which in my heart of hearts I think is all it will ever be.

 

I just want to be bold and tough, like I used to be, and draw a line under the whole thing and move on.

 

Thanks again for your helpful comments - what a sad and sorry crowd us OW are.

[ww]

what a sad and sorry crowd us OW are

 

well i totally don`t agree!

CHEER UP!

life is great...and to short to waste

[joodee]

Yes, whatafool, let us all cheer up!

 

I know exactly how you are feeling, and your story sounded sooooo similar to mine...one thing...do NOT let him make you feel it is your fault, or that you are needy...no way!!! I let my MM make me feel that way, I have smelled the coffee, and boy, it's not my fault that he's how he is, and it is NOT your fault!!! Don't let him get away with that s&%t

 

Let's both feel better, ok? We are good women and deserve better and are worthy of good love.

[whatafool]

joodee - you are so right - I'll bet he is not sad and sorry this Easter, and neither will I be anymore.

 

Have made decision is all totally over, no more lies and excuses, no more hiding away, no more obsession - am getting a grip on reality.

[whatafool]

Thanks for observations jolie_baby. It must be incredibly difficult for you working in the same office as him.

 

They say 'that which does not kill us will strengthen us' and I am sure both you and I will come out of these situations stronger and wiser for the experience. It has already made me feel stronger knowing that the people here understand and don't condemn.

 

Am determined to move on and not make this mistake again, one of my difficulties is that I see him all the time as he runs a local shop, but if you can move on whilst working in the same office, then I am sure that I can too.

[lynnered]

whatafool,

can you just not go into the local shop?

hopefully there are other stores?

even if you have to drive a bit?

don't make excuses,

make solutions ,

my XMM goes to the gym i go to ,i was so mad ,worried about ducking him&so on ,

so i chose to go to another gym!!don't like that one as much but it works ,

nobody is worth your life ,change your life to make you happy ,its in your hands .

and never have your happiness depend on someone else,what happens if they die?

if i lean on no one i never fall

i am going through breaking up with XMM ,it gets better ,but those sad feelings ,thats you ,something is missing &its not him ,

i know i had esteem issues when i started A ,i still do ,

I'm at the point i don't blame him ,he had a factor in things yes ,i still love him, i know he loves me ,but its not worth it,

it is so much easier to blame your unhappiness on him, not being in your life ,face it its something else ,

are you scared of being alone?commitment ,think hard &start trying to fix it !!

i think therapy will help i went for awhile ,i have stopped ,it helped me through the hard times just having someone listen,

they wont tell you what to do ,just ask thought provoking questions ,and god knows how many times ,he asked &how does that make you feel ?lol,

i asked him is that all they taught you in school?

anyway chose to be strong ,keep that thought in your head ,believe it &it will be!!!

fear less,hope more,

whine less,breathe more,

talk less,say more,

hate less ,love more,

and all good things are yours.

[whatafool]

Hi lynnered - you have made some extremely valid points here. I guess I sort of knew I was responsible for letting myself get sucked into this that's why I was thinking of therapy.

 

After all the problem is not that he is having his cake and eating it, but more why am I letting myself be treated in a way that I am not happy with on the chance that he might at some point in the future become single. Is my self worth really that low - guess it must be, it never used to be though.

 

In times gone by I would have never have allowed myself to be treated like this. But I have been through a bit of a bad patch over the last few years, which I am now coming through and I think he just came along when I was still vulnerable. Am not trying to make excuses just face facts - and you are right I need to be tough, not vulnerable.

 

I am thinking of doing some therapy or getting some self help books (I am a bit scared of amatuer therapists screwing up my head even further).

 

This forum is really helping me I am getting some extremely good advice with no punches pulled which is just what I need. Thanks for caring.

 

BTW what do XMM and STBXMM stand for?

[Mr Spock]

It's been over a month since my relationship ended (badly) and I still think about it all the time.

 

 

Today was the first time I ran into his wife (with her sister) as I was leaving and she was entering a store. Didn't say anything to me, except I could hear her point me out to her sister.

 

I was tempted to turn around and say something, anything but provoking the situation isn't smart. I DID decide that I'm not taking any f*cking crap from anybody, anymore. About anything. I will stand up for myself at all times. And part of standing up for oneself is not letting a man walk all over their heart.

 

I still think about it ALL the time, I wish I didn't but so far it is still too recent. Pretty much every waking moment.

 

 

I suppose what I'm getting at is the only thing that is going to make your situation better is time. I'm not going to bother telling you the relationship won't go anywhere, because I'm sure you know that. It's no comfort that even in our fifties women are still capable of being suckered by an a**h*** with a kind word and a devlish smile

 

I'd like to post in this forum more, but my own situation is so draining to me that I can't handle it like I used to.

[whatafool]

Hello Mr Spock, thanks for your posting - I have read lots of your other postings and always think that you have got it so right and love your attitude, so I was really pleased to get some comments from you.

 

But I was so surprised to hear to hear the different tone to your posting, you just sound so low - my heart goes out to you - why do we allow this to happen to us?

 

You're right about age does not matter, MM will still lie the same at any age, I know someone having A with a 65 year old MM and the pattern is exactly the same. I feel a bit embarassed to have falled for all the cr*ap at my age - but that's life.

 

But I did get a good posting from Lynnered which made me think a lot, that the problem is not that MM is an a****hole, but more that I except it and go back for more, so the problem is really with me and I need to accept that.

 

Now I have booked in for some therapy to try an understand what is going on in my head - hopefully if I can understand me a bit better and as you say combined with time I can get through this. Hope you can work your way through too. Take care and look after yourself well.

[Mr Spock]

And I hope therapy works for you. OW are as great an enabler as any W. We accept less than what we want from a relationship. Tangling ourselves into something that we don't WANT to be free from. Not being able to see happiness without the current relationship.

 

 

You're only ever ready to walk away from something when you're ready. Some people it's a matter of months. Others take YEARS to reach a point where the payout of the relationship is less than the agony of living with it brings.

 

 

I can tell you that it WILL help you to feel better on a daily basis to think that he is an a**h***. Of course, remember that it takes two to tango, but you have to look after yourself and part of repairing the damage is fixing your self esteem, which won't happen if you continually berate yourself from being stupid.

 

There is no fault at trying to seize a chance at happiness any way you can. It's a hard lesson learned though, when we find out that the odds are a bazillion to one against that when we take up with a man that can't be honest to anyone much less himself.

[joodee]

Well said, Mr. Spock. So very true.

[izzybelle]

spock,

 

i'm sorry things ended badly for you, but i know you know in time, all will heal. and i understand what you mean about reading here. so many times after my MM ended things, these posts would bring me to tears, thinking about the whole flippin mess. and i felt like a real idiot for not being old enough, intelligent enough, the list goes on and on, for seeing what i had gotten myself into.

 

but i've realized that i, like so many here, were led willingly down that rosey path where everything seemed so wonderful, totally oblivious to the thorns along the way.

 

and now we sitk here licking our wounds and knowing that in time this will all feel like just another one of those stupid things that we all do that we've moved on from. but for some reason, these wounds just seem to take forever to heal.

 

i know i'm not saying anything you don't already know, but there will come a time when he's not in your thoughts constantly, but you're right it's still too soon to expect that. i know this had been coming, but that doesn't make it easier. just take care of youself. a little extra pampering never hurt anyone.

 

whatafool,

counseling may help and it's worth a shot. but know that it will take time ... and it's not a cure to all our woes. i'm in that field and perhaps more than most, know the positives and negatives. and you should be afraid of amateur therapists!!!! i hope that the one you scheduled with is a good match. if not, walk away and find another.

 

we all have within us those tools and coping strategies we need to pull ourselves back together. but what i found, was that in my situation with my MM, all those things i'd used in the past to get over life's little and not so little hurdles, were useless. and i think that's what's taking so long.... none of the old standby "get myself out of the dumps" tricks worked. one thing that always helped was that i'd go shopping for lingerie, buying something nice for myself helped. after the break up with MM for some obvious reasons it didn't. but i'm happy to say that my Vicky's credit card is now back in use! but the only thing that seems to really help is just time. keeping busy only seemed to bandaid things for me. oh ... and XMM (exMarrried Man -not they they are not married just our ex and STBXMM - soon to be ex MM)

 

and as WW said earlier "life is great, and too short to waste." which of course just really makes it suck that it takes us so flippin long to get out and get over this. but with matters of the heart there's never a sure path and it's a part of us that is so easily bruised and so difficult to heal.

 

easter bunny hugs to all!

izzy

[Mr Spock]

It's not so much I can't read the posts, it's just I can't stomach certain situations that OW post about on here.

[SummerRae]

I can totally relate to that sick feeling of reading OW's posts and feeling gut-wrenching pain through the words.

 

I felt that way often at first, but then I also think it made me realize that I needed to get the fu(k out of this horribly self-damaging situation. My self-esteem took a run down the drain and I wondered if I'd ever get it back and seeing other people's pain, questions, and self-defeating choices, was like looking in a squeezy clean mirror surrounded by florescant lighting. I saw every flaw and pimple. Not a pretty sight at the best of times .

 

But seriously it made me wake up and say, I DON'T DESERVE THIS, NO ONE DESERVES THIS! And to also realize that there was/is good and bad in this situation. I do believe things happen for a reason and that there was something important I was supposed to learn from this situation. And I know I learned a TON.

 

N e ways, my point is, is that in my experience, when I've been in pain by seeing/reading something it's because there are things in me that still need to be healed. Yes, I have flaws and pimples, but I think they add character. (Not to mention the fact that I own some deadly concealer). And some flaws go away over time.

 

Sorry, if I didn't make sense... I'm in this weird, peaceful yet contemplative mood.

[newby]

what a fool, i feel for you, i feel the same as you

spocky, i really liked what you said about not berating ourselves and i really liked what you said about theres no shame in trying to seize a little happiness.

i mean thats the trouble i find with myself and i recognise it in alot of the people in here aswell, yes we have low self esteem, but when we try to stick a band aid (as someone said) and it doesnt work, its the wrong kind of plaster whateva then we beat ourselves with that too!! its making the problem that led us to the faulty solution worse, so then what? more faulty solutions?? even bigger requirements of solutions?

the problem is the continual beating of ourselves, that is why i like what spocky says. the solution is to try and stop beating ourselves, there are several spiritual practises and philosophies which help with such things. it is the mind that beats us etc, if you can find a way to not linger in the realm of mind for too long it helps.

studies done on successful people show that the only difference between a successful person and a non is that the successful person does not beat themselves, when they fall, they get back up and forget about it, whereas the other will beat themselves about it. it is the continual beating that leads to greater and greater downfall.

personally i dont rate therapy much, but this is because i prefer more spiritual ways and i think if you have a problem in the mind, dont try and use the mind to fix it! yours or anyone elses! thats like trying to clean a dirt mark with dirt as far as i can see.

[SummerRae]

good points newby.