darstar007 Posted December 23, 2014 Posted December 23, 2014 Hi all, I am in the middle of the collapse of my first marriage after 9 years. My estranged wife has made it 110% clear that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. She does not want to see me, hear from me, or receive text from me. She has even threatened to get a restraining order (though I have not done anything to warrant it) as a way of indicating her seriousness. The problem is that it is simply TOO EASY to contact. I basically am texting and calling to a dead line on the other end as far as I know she probably has blocked me. The question is HOW DO I STOP??? Everytime I am doing so I am delaying my own acceptance of the fact that it is over. It's just SO HARD when my heart is full of things to say to her.
Bluesandy Posted December 23, 2014 Posted December 23, 2014 hummmmm very simple.... SAme thing happened to me after 23 years and 3 daughters.. 1. See your friends or family.. The closest ones are going to help you.. a lot....Don't hesitate to see one of them every day.. Not the same one day after day though, you would have some chance to tired him... 2. Try do enhance your circle of friends, do new activities, sports, etc... 3. Register in a dating website.. I did all three, except I added smoking as well (I never did before..). It works... I don't promise you won't have down, but in 22 months of our split, I never beg once for her come back, even if I was tempted.. Please go full no contact.... Only way for you to get back on your own, and increase, if any, all chance for her to come back.... Get back you respect...
d0nnivain Posted December 23, 2014 Posted December 23, 2014 Find something else to do instead. Post her. Call a friend. Go running. Do anything other than reach out for her.
Author darstar007 Posted December 23, 2014 Author Posted December 23, 2014 Thank you for the replies and suggestions. I especially note the fact that I must 100% w/o doubt STOP IT, because I am only extending my own misery and pushing her away even more. I also agree that I need to extend my circle of friends as my immediate friends and family are already suffering from "fatigue" over my situation and I need to spread my "counseling" amongst more people.
oldshirt Posted December 23, 2014 Posted December 23, 2014 I also agree that I need to extend my circle of friends as my immediate friends and family are already suffering from "fatigue" over my situation and I need to spread my "counseling" amongst more people. I disagree. If you need counseling, get an actual professional counselor for your venting and emotional puking. If you need to share your pain with others that understand and care, then join a divorce support group. Get out and do fun things with friends and family but do not use them as emotional tampons. Counselors are for counseling. Support groups are for commiserating, but friend and family need to be off limits to buttbleeding. They are for fun and distraction, not emotional tampons and counseling. 2
Author darstar007 Posted December 23, 2014 Author Posted December 23, 2014 I do have a counselor. Unfortunately with the holidays coming up I am looking at some terrible timing with the worst of my depression coming when they are all out of the office. I try to not burden my friends and family, but I am so consumed with the shock (this came out of nowhere for me) that anyone who interacts with me is drawn in. I hope that I will be able to go out and do fun things, that is my plan at least. It beats staying in bed for 20 hours. 1
kenmore Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 (edited) She has even threatened to get a restraining order (though I have not done anything to warrant it) as a way of indicating her seriousness. The problem is that it is simply TOO EASY to contact. I basically am texting and calling to a dead line on the other end as far as I know she probably has blocked me. Darstar, you MUST NOT contact her or she will get that restraining order. You need to realize that you are doing something to warrant it if you are still calling. Believe me, I understand how you feel, but how will you feel if she does get a restraining order against you? With time, it will get easier. Feel free to commiserate here if you need to. I was doing a bad job of being NC too, but she contacted me regularly to ask "how I am doing" or ask if I have been served yet, and when I'd reply, she would tear me a new a****le. I did take it as a sign that it was OK to "touch bases" with her, but any time I did, new a****le! It took me the slaps upside the head to realize that I was not helping anything. All I wanted was to get something from her, but what I got was all bad. As Bluesandy said, you WILL have setbacks. I had a big one today because an errand brought me down the same street I used to have to travel to get to her house when we were dating, so of course my thoughts went back to how happy I was when we were dating. It's so damned hard! With time, they will be fewer and less difficult. Hang tough! Ken Edited December 24, 2014 by kenmore 1
Author darstar007 Posted December 24, 2014 Author Posted December 24, 2014 I know you are right Ken. There is absolutely no justification for me to contact her anymore. Unlike in your situation, I am DEAD to her. I have heard nothing from her side since this past Sunday. I'm not even certain she has filed though she said she would. I guess I let that 1% doubt drive me to make a last second pitch to her, but I know it is to no avail. In fact, if there is any hope, I should go completely NC with her. Thanks for the reminder though. 1
tojaz Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 Darstar, the holidays are about the worst time in the world to be going through this. I won't lie, it's going to be hard. Some things I did to help get through those rough spots. 1. Call a trusted friend instead, just to talk you down and occupy your mind. 2. Write her a letter, notice I say write and not send. Sometimes it helps just to get what you say out there in one form or another. I still have a shoebox full somewhere. 3. What your doing right now, Loveshack never closes, even during the holidays. Write it out and sift through some old threads of folks that survived what your going through, learn about it, get ahead of the curve. I can pretty much guarantee you won't be the only one here. Tojaz 2
Author darstar007 Posted December 24, 2014 Author Posted December 24, 2014 Thanks for the advice Tojaz. The one thing I'm telling myself is if I can get through this 2 week gauntlet, I will most likely be a LOT better come the New Year with my job picking back up and being busy again. 1
tojaz Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 Thanks for the advice Tojaz. The one thing I'm telling myself is if I can get through this 2 week gauntlet, I will most likely be a LOT better come the New Year with my job picking back up and being busy again. Anything that occupies your mind is going to be a big help, even if it's just household chores. Thinking about the big D is going to be your default mode for awhile so you need to make a special effort to keep your thoughts pointed elsewhere, and when you can't... dump them in a safe place away from her. Don't beat yourself up to bad if you slip up, everyone does, just keep going. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 2. Write her a letter, notice I say write and not send. Sometimes it helps just to get what you say out there in one form or another. I still have a shoebox full somewhere. Wow, I thought I was the only one that did this . You can even go so far as creating a fake email address for her - "shedoesn'[email protected]" - if that format is more familiar. Get it off your chest but not to her phone or inbox... Mr. Lucky 1
Author darstar007 Posted December 24, 2014 Author Posted December 24, 2014 Thanks everyone for the feedback. I've had an up an down day so far today. One thing that is really causing me anxiety is that I don't know if my wife has filed for divorce yet. Thinking that she might not have is causing me to have unrealistic hope given that she has shown every sign that she intends to. Is there any way of checking online for that in California? My assumption is that I will likely get served before anything shows up online though. 1
kenmore Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 Hi Darstar, yes, you can, and that's exactly what I did. I have not been served yet, but was able to get on the website for the local superior court here in San Diego and do a search. It's a little confusing, but once I clicked on "family court" there was a search area. You will put in your last name as the respondent, and if she has filed in that court (probably the closest superior court in her area), the case number and basic info will appear. If not, check all other local superior courts. **Caution though** It can be difficult seeing it. Also, my wife filed for both a legal separation (to distance my finances from her) AND a divorce, but legal separation was the only thing listed in the search results. I had to physically go to the courthouse (with the case number, if you find it in your search, be sure to bring it) and request to view the file. It's free to view them, but they charge 50 cents a page for copies. I didn't feel it was worth 50 cents so I just gave it back. That's when I saw the "divorce" box checked and it made my heart sink once again, so be careful what you want to know; it can be very difficult when you find out. Good luck! Ken 2
GirlStillStrong Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 Why are you contacting her? I think it might help you to know this.
Satu Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 Go to a place where nobody can hear you, and shout all out until you can't shout any more.
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