Author soft heart Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 It's 1 am here in Europe and I have to get up in 5 and a half hours.. initially I planned to go to bed early today but still now he is trying to call me. it's the 10th or 12th time he is trying to call... i can't get it.. and then he sents a message: Ok i understand the message. I won't bother you anymore. shame we can't at least talk about it after everything. shame i lost you completely. i didn't want to make you suffer sorry! i know i am a bad person so i'll disappear from your life. hope you'll forgive me. please give me the chance to talk to you for the last time x. and then he continues calling again I am so scared and nervous.. he is not talking to me for 3 weeks and then this.... ??
Author soft heart Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 I don't know what to do.. I am trying to be strong but he has been calling me today all day long.. while I was at work he tried like 10 times and now again. he emailed me as well asking why am I not answering the phone and that he promises that he will leave me alone but just before if I could answer him. He is apologising for yesterday telling me that he is sorry he had trapped me but he really wanted to talk to me on *** messenger and he couldn't see me online for weeks so he wanted to check if I had blocked him. he admitted that he knows that it was not a good thing to do. he said that when he realised that I blocked him, it made him feel bad and he got worried that I dont want to talk to him again and he felt he lost me so that's why he wasn't nice with me at all. he says he doesn't want to loose me as he has too much feelings for me. he then said that he knows I hate him now but he wants to at least save our friendship?! He then says "we can't just leave each other like that because you are angry with me. It would be the biggest shame!! Do u really not care anymore about me to do that to me now?? I apologize for what i've done but what else can i do now? tell me what else should i do for u to accept to talk to me again? I dont want to think that u could after only few weeks forget me and avoid me as u do now. I know u still have feelings for me, so dont let that kill each other. We just need to talk to sort that out! u know i really want to talk to u. I m sure now all your friends are telling u not to listen to me but please trust me. Am i so bad?? I dont know what i should do, if u dont reply to me, i guess i should just give up? would be such a shame! I want to see u again! I don't want to loose you! He then added in his next email " I know u dont care anymore but u're torturing me now!!!!!!!!! i guess i deserve it" I feel so confused!! Iam not sure what to do? I know I shouldn't give in! It's so hard though!
outdated Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 This guy is making you crazy. there is no need for all of this. Leave him be. Why does he want to talk to you? Does he want to get back together or just making himself feel better for being an ass. I'm guessing it's the latter. Leave him the f*** alone to wallow in his own stink. Get your head together and move on with your life.
tokyo Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 You have him where you want him. I don't understand what is so difficult about ignoring his phone calls. I find it much more difficult to hold myself back and not call, but having someone I like run after me, well, isn't that nice? I don't want to elaborate another lengthy answer and comment his email, but it's manipulative nonsense. I'd continue to ignore him for another couple of weeks. During that time he will either continue to push you or he will act as if he has accepted your decision and pretend he has moved on while in fact waiting for you to jump at this bait and come crawling back to him just as he is used to. If after two-three weeks he's still interested, tell him your conditions for getting back together. If he has withdrawn, continue to ignore him, he'll probably come back again and continue his efforts. I don't believe though that without real self-confidence you're not getting far with this relationship. You may be a nice person, but you are so incredibly weak and don't tell me that this is because you are suffering from the breakup.
Author soft heart Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 Hello everyone, thanks so much for your replies! I am so weak I gave in... I answered his phone call finally after he sent me a long long email explaining that he is sorry and that he is hurting and can't sleep and can't concentrate on his work and tha the has realised how much he had hurt me before...anyway, he said he realised things and so on. So I answered but I was very cold with him. He was so happy but he asked me how could I do this to him. I said to him if he wants to blame, I will not talk to him. He said he was sorry. He asked me if he could call me in the evening. So he did and we had a nice conversation and then he said to me that he thinks that we should take things slowly and we shouldn't put pressure on each other. We kept emailing each other and he explained himself that he thinks that if we just jump straight back into the relationship that it would be wrong and he does not want to hurt me again... He said that we should take our time.. we shouldn't rush into anything. I agreed with him but I also told him that I do not want to feel unimportant and taken for granted. Anyway, in his last email he sent he said this As i said in my previous email and i'm happy u have the same opinion on it, I dont want to rush with us in order to avoid problems later. We went through too many problems and i really dont want to have to live that again. I think for u it's the same. I like u a lot but at the same time i spent with u not very great moments and i'd like to forget these moments. WHat i mean with going slowly, is to keep the door open to give us the chance to be together again and see if both we feel like it again. The things between us should come by themselves without any pressure on us. If we feel good together and want to get closer to each other we will do it but if we dont feel it, we won't do it. It must come from both of us because we feel good together. Going slowly is going step by step to see how we feel and each time seeing if we want to go further. It works for both of us. If it's too quick for one of us, we slow down. We need to know if it can work between us because too many times we had to fight and now none of us want to do that again: too much pain has already affected us. If it's to live again the arguments we had together i think it's not worthy , but if it's to live our good moments we could have together , it is worthy and in this case i can tell u, i'd be sure i want to be with u and i wont have any other hesitations with u. But too many times we had to face doubts. I want to start from scratch with u again because i'm not confident in us. I didnt say you're not worthy (that's why i'm striving to find solutions) but i dont feel sure after what we had to face together. Going slowly then means that we should give us the time to be sure about us without any pressure. And if we cant be sure and see it doesnt work, at least we tryed because we both thought it's worthy. Sometimes people try for what they want even if at the end they realise it doesnt work because it's not exactly what they want or just because they cant succeed. About your second point, i never said i want to see u sometimes to have fun and that's it. I know u're not this kind of girl who can accept that and as i respect u, i dont want to do that to u. If we finally decide to be together again, i will not be unfaithful to u and have fun when u're not here. It's a matter of respect! If we decide to be together, we should be enough for each other and we shouldnt need to see somewhere else. But that's a big problem i think for us that i'm mentionning here. I 'm quite worried about the distance. When we were still together, i didnt see u enough times, i wasnt satisfied by the fact that we only met once every month or 2months. That's also a reason why i wanted to see something else because i physically needed it. I dont know how we could manage to see more if we decide to be together and i'm quite worried about that. Because spending evenings on the phone or on msn dont satisfy me and i think u neither. i need real contacts. This problem is also a problem which makes me unsure about us. Anyway, he called me after because he wanted to talk about the email and what I thought. I told him that there is nothing I can do about the distance. He said that he is not satisfied with the distance and that we should try to find a solution. When Iasked him when we can meet he said to me that it's going to be difficult for him to meet me before August since in July he has to leave for the USA to work for a month. I got a bit upset and he said I was too demanding. Anyway, the next day he emailed me at work and said that he was sad because each time we had the opportunity to talk I was cold and distant with him. I called him yesterday to tell him that it's not meant to be and he was tired after a night out and I thought he didn't sound that happy... Anyway, the conversation went wrong and he said again that he is not satisfied with me and that he never sees me and that we always have to discuss "us" and that we always end up arguing.. I said to him "ok if you are not satisfied with me, I will not call you again then. you don't sound happy anyway" and he got upset and said "why do you always have to make such an extreme conclusion!?? Why can't you take it easy? Why do you complicate things so much! That's the reason why I am not with you anymore!" I said to him "but if you want me to be here for you only when you feel like having a chat it's not fair and you are not meeting any of my needs". He said "and you are meeting any of my needs? You are always upset with me and you never appreciate my efforts! I have been trying so hard to find a solution for us! Show me one guy who would be happy with this situation" I said to him "ok if you are not happy I am leaving" And he said "I am leaving too because my efforts are useless for you" I said to him "ok then good bye" and I put the phone down on him! This happened on Sunday.... Sorry about the length.. I am a little unsure about what it all means now!??
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 It means that he cares for you, but there are enough things that he doesn't care for that are keeping him at a distance from you emotionally and physically. It sounds like your insecurity with the relationship overwhelms your ability to give him a comfortable distance - and his email said more or less that he can't deal with that. 'Taking it slow' in this case means that he wants to be able to experience the good from being with you, while avoiding the bad. Unfortunately, you aren't giving him any opportunity to avoid the bad - so he's more likely than not to just chalk up the whole thing to a bad experience and move on.
Author soft heart Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 Thanks Lucrezia! I spoke to him yesterday on chat line and he told me that i haven't been really nice to him recently and that for me it's always either everything or nothing.. black and white! He refused to talk about us and he said I haven't given him anything in the last months.. I said to him because he ended the relationship I had nothing to give.. Anyway, he was not very nice, quite mean to me.. At the end he said he wants to take a rest so I said "ok then" and he then said "im sure you are upset and he said it's a good start for us ( ironically)" He left the conversation and I could feel he was cold and distant with me. He said that I am always upset with him and he feels like he can't do anything right with me.. I sent him an email today asking me why has he tried so hard telling me that we could have a chance together and now he has pushed me away again? When we were discussing meeting each other again he said that I am too demanding and that I am not taking it slowly and that he can't meet me before August.. But the problem for me is that he never says anything for sure?? He seems upset with me. I feel so manipulated into this... and so lost with his actions.. He has been trying so hard and now he is gone? When I compare myself to 6 months ago how I was chasing him and I wouldn't do anything then sitting at home waiting for a message? Now I feel much much stronger! It's just really hard because I loved him with all my heart! I am 26 and I think I have loved him the most... and now it's hard to get rid off the real love feelings inside me! It's hard when he really tells you so many things and is convincing you and unfortunately I trust a lot and I purely and innocently believe what he tells me.. I guess that's what makes i harder! Also I don't have the heart to tell him to **** off or whatever.. I think I am like my dad because he has let my mum treat him badly a lot of times.. I have tried to be stronger even for the sake of my dad and try to learn not to let anyone treat me badly but it's hard when you are kind of pure, innocent and honest and then you meet people and you don't know that they might not be like that.. but because you always so honest and pure to them, you don't even realise that he would do something like that...Of course I am not stupid and I know that he has been treating me badly a lot of times and that's why now I don't let myself go so far with him but it's true that I have a hard time with this one because I truly loved him and I gave this relationship a lot of energy and time and trust! But I have to say I am proud of myself at least a little because since yesterday when I sent him that email I haven't contacted him once. I wanted to send him an email today but I resisted and I thought NO! Tonight I met a very good friend of mine I haven't seen for a long time and I tried to concentrate on myself.. I refused to sit in my room being upset.. I have just come home and there is an email from him! I am not really sure how to react to it or whether he expects any kind of reaction from me? Hi E., I am not irritated with you, of course not! Yes i wanted to give us a chance and to take things slowly but I cannot see any improvements between us so far since we talk to each other again. We are still not able to enjoy talking together without fighting, arguing or being aggressive and not nice to each other. It is not like i could imagine. We are not starting again and try again, we are more worried and concerned by talking about the past, about what is behind us than about something nice. It is not leading us anywhere like that and it is not enjoyable. I'm not pushing you away at all, but we are not going closer to each other neither. I think we both stay at the same point. When i propose to meet in august, instead of being upset that we cant meet before and seeing in it a lackof enthousiasm from me, you could just have been motivated by this proposition.But you were upset. I dont think it is a way of going slowly... good night xxx What do you think he is saying? And what does it mean? I think I have a trouble to know sometimes.. What would you respond back to him? The email seems so vague and there is no question and it sounds like he is quite disapponted but he seems to want things just his way and it upsets me a bit?
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 It means he's going to see you on his terms: ie - he gets to enjoy the good and avoid the bad (meaning that you are not to discuss the relationship in any way, shape or form and will agree to be happy and cheerful all the time), or he is going to refuse to see you at all. This is very, very one sided. You have a choice: do it 100% his way, with complete disregard for your own feelings - or not be in the relationship at all. Some people can be 'happy' in a sense living with minimal happiness so that their partners can be completely happy - but that 'happiness' will only take you so far before you realize that you do matter, and your happiness is important. You will feel bad that you were fighting so hard for the relationship, that you forgot to fight for yourself. What to respond? "Take care, be safe and have a great time. Goodbye, ________." And leave it at that. You can fight for yourself in this relationship, but its apparent that he isn't interested in you if do. So, let that be a goodbye. Don't contact him any more. Let him go on his way, and you go on yours. If he contacts you in August, perhaps you'll be in a better place to stand up for what you want without worrying whether or not you'll lose the one-sided arrangement you have with him. He gave you his 'take it or leave it' option. When he gets back, perhaps you can present him with yours... and mean it and back it up with the strength that you will hopefully find this summer when he's gone.
Author soft heart Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 So you think his email means that he has left again? He has been trying so hard over the last two weeks.. calling me non-stop till at at night... sending me emails.. telling me how he was dying and hurting and in pain when I ignored his phone calls and now he is gone again? He told me how important I am to him... I just don't know what to do. I found out that he even blocked me on msn? Why? Because i upset him when I called him on Saturday? I called him with the good intentions because he sent me an email on Friday that he was sad because I was distant and cold with him.. I felt bad so I gave him a call on Saturday and he was the one who was cold and distant telling me he was tired after a heavy night out on Friday? He didn't sound happy when i called him...these things do upset me and he blames me that it's not enjoyable for him... but how can he change towards me so rapidly?? I do not understand what his real intentions are. When I spoke to his flatmate who is also my friend she said that it sounds like he's checking whether I am still here for him or not......but why would he make so many efforts??
Author soft heart Posted June 17, 2005 Author Posted June 17, 2005 There is silence between us now Would you consider his email as a final saying that he has given up? It's so unclear I am not sure whether to say anything back to him?
Author soft heart Posted June 20, 2005 Author Posted June 20, 2005 He emailed me today at work.. asking me about my weekend. He found a flight for me and suggested if I wanted to go and see him in August in Paris! I haven't made a final decision yet but I was going to ask him if I do go to him, what's his compromise? Do you think I should? or what should I say? I don't want him to think it was so easy for him to ask me and I would go.. but I want to of course but I want to see some efforts on his side
Author soft heart Posted June 21, 2005 Author Posted June 21, 2005 We had a conversation on msn last night about me going to see him... the thing is I feel that after he was the one who ended things he should be coming to see me.. but he argues that Paris is much more beautiful city especially in the summer than my town where I live in UK. in a way it's true but I just kind of feel worried that if I go to see him, he will just do anything he wants with me after.... He said to me that I shouldn't consider his invitation as an effort. He then said that it seems like a burden for me to go and see him. He said "you should be happy to see me and you shouldn't see it as an effort. You can come to Paris to see me, to enjoy the city and you see it as an effort. You are funny. I can tell you that many people would like to be in your place, You have a perfect guide, a place to stay and you can see me and you consider this as an effort?!!" He said that he knows my town too well which is not my case of not knowing Paris. I said to him that I am not worried about money or making an effort but the fact that he has ended it and now I am going to see him makes me hesitate. He said "so now I need to give a compensation or what? because I stopped?" I said to him that i just wanted to feel at least if I do go to you that you would tell me that I don't have to worry about going to stay with you and that you will make me feel special there. And he responded that Iam going too fast again (not really sure why he said that?) He said that's not starting from scratch how we agreed!!He then said "i m not going to put under pressure and ask to pay my journey someone with whom i start with something! He then added that he would like to meet to see and to feel that we can try together again. But now I have the impression that you think we already are!" I said to him that he should realise that I am the one going there and that he doesn't seem to appreciate it enough. He said that he does but he doesn't want to come to my place because he was the one who came last time...and he said "I didn't ask you to pay for my journey did I!?" He then said "if at least I was sure about us and I felt that we are good together without fighting and arguing I wouldn't mind but it's not the case. each time i m afraid of talking to you, of your reaction, of what you expect, of what u say. For me I am still not with you and I don't feel we are ready for it when I talk to you. We always have disagreements. Once you make a step you want to make a step further. I am a normal guy and I just want to spend some time together so please stop complicating the things. I can see there is still tenstion between us..and he then went to bed. I said to him that I feel that he never makes any compromises and he responded "it's too often we disagree like that so how can I compromise with you? Accepting to go to a city Iam not interested in and face the risk that we will fight? At the end of the weekend it costs even more for me than for you if you come to Paris so I am good guy, don't you think? See you later" I haven't heard from him today all day.. Guys was I wrong? Maybe I should have just appreciated that he has invited me over... but I guess I was a bit worried that he might think that I will go to him each time.. My friend told me that maybe I should have just appreciated that he would like to see me.. Not sure what do you think about it all? He is French so the conversation may be a bit too direct but I am not sure what to think about it now... What to expect and should I think that I was wrong? Please what would you do in my situation? Thanks!
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 This guy is putting you through the wringer. Big time. He wants you to jump through hoops for the privilege of being in a one-sided relationship that is 100% on his terms and conditions. I can only think of one thing to say: No new contacts = no new hurts.
outdated Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia This guy is putting you through the wringer. Big time. He wants you to jump through hoops for the privilege of being in a one-sided relationship that is 100% on his terms and conditions. I can only think of one thing to say: No new contacts = no new hurts. I agree- LB is right on. Let this guy go. He wants it on his terms and his feelings for you may never escalate to what you want. The only way to find out is to let him stew in his own au jus. Ce n'est pas juste!
Author soft heart Posted June 21, 2005 Author Posted June 21, 2005 So you are saying I shouldn't go and see him? He has chatted to me today on msn just asking about my day..
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 If you go see him, you have to accept that unless you do it entirely on his terms he will be an ass to you. If you can handle that, and don't have any expectations that he will change, then you should be fine. Otherwise, if you go up there expecting him to be any different than he has been you may be setting yourself up for a great disappointment.
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