Author soft heart Posted April 4, 2005 Author Posted April 4, 2005 I knew once I reply to him something is going to go wrong! I am feeling down and upset! I sent him an email back about an hour ago and I said: im sorry I wasn't able to answer earlier..I have had a lot on my mind recently and I was away for the whole weekend and didn't get back till late last night! thank you for your messages! It's very nice of you to think about me and wish me good luck for today! I spent my weekend with friends of mine! went to the beach and to pubs and a night club.. it was such a nice and warm weekend! My first day at work was quite good! It was just an introductory day and I met some of my new colleagues. I hope you are well and had a good weekend too! What I said in the email was honest and what I would write to a friend of mine... I know that you suggested that I should not apologise but I did because he sent me 3 messages so I felt a little bad because we normally reply to each other within a very short time.. anyway, he replied like 30 minutes later and said the following: are u not ok? u say u have a lot on your mind, what is it? Is it because of us? I'm happy u could enjoy the weekend with friends it seems u had much fun. i spent a good weekend enjoying the sun. my previous housemate (the mongolian girl was here) with her boyfriend were here, so i showed them paris. are u sure u were happy i sent u an email and a text message? i expected u could answer me but maybe i was wrong... good night xxx What does he mean? What does his last sentence mean? He sounds angry and disappointed that I didn't answer to his messages ealier! But I did send him an email and I did say I was sorry! He sounds worried that I have a lot on my mind because of us.. well it's not only because of us.. yes partly but I have been thinkig about my new job and other things.. do you think he is not going to write to me again? I feel that he won't send me a message again! I feel that I ruined everything because I didn't answer to his messages! I am so sad What should I reply to him? But I am honestly happy he sent me the messages! I missed him and I honestly meant it that it was nice of him to think of me..What should I say back? I am so scared now! He sounds upset with me! I don't want to loose him! I still miss him so much and I still love him so much!I am in tears!!!! I have signed on msn because a friend of mine asked me to have a chat and he was signed on! I thought he would not be anymore because it's late at night! He said hi and then he asked me to his email.. he then said that if i prefer he will not contact me because I don't answer to him! I said I honestly couldn't asnwer earlier but he seemed tense and upset! He then said he is sorry and he tried to make a conversation and he asked me what is on my mind and I said nothing because I felt so upset that he was blaming me like this.. He said that he said he is sorry and he then said for god sake I apologised to you and you still keep going on! I said I am sad he doesn't trust me when I said that I am happy to receive his emails and I couldn't honestly answer.. he said "I said sorry for god's sake! What other language should I use so you can understand me"! I started to cry and he said "so how was today!" and I said "ok" and he said "that's all!? ok well you don't want to talk to me so Im going to bed! Bye!" I didn't say anything and he said "are you there? I said good night!" I said "good night" and I signed off but while I was signing off he said something else but I didn't receive it so I signed on again because I knew he was upset and he was still online but when I signed on back again he signed off! I cannot believe he was with me like he was! He said he won't send me messages anymore because I don't answer to them! I said to him that he seems a little tense with me again! He said that I don't understand him that once he says he is sorry I should just be ok and carry on with our conversation but i was upset to carry on as normal! I feel bad now that I didn't reply straight away! I think this is the END! I think now he won't talk to me ever again and he won't contact me ever again!! Why was he with me like this tonight? i didn't mean to annoy him but he was annoyed a lot with me! He didn't seem to be there for me today as he had promised he would be there! I am so sad Do you think I should send him an email to apologise? Do you think I was wrong? i mean I couldn't keep it cheery tonight with him because he was so tense! Do you think he expects me to react and send an email to him? Do you think I should be keeping in touch with him more often? do you think he will not talk to me again now? I feel so bad now! Please help!
Author soft heart Posted April 5, 2005 Author Posted April 5, 2005 I was strong and I didn't send him a message or an email after yesterday's conversation that went so wrong! He has just sent me an email that says: hope u're ok today and work is going well! I'm sorry about yesterday, i told u many times yesterday I'm sorry so u shouldnt have got so upset. I thought u didnt want to reply to me so i was worried. BUt after u told me the reason, i trusted u but u kept on doubting. But i tell u u shouldnt. I trust u! so dont get so offended please. Have a good day and sorry again So I guess I was the guilty one! Do you think I should reply back? I feel afraid that if I don't.. he won't talk to me ever again or he will not send me another message ever again! Why is he doing this?
Velveteel Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 I know you're upset and feeling desperate, Soft Heart, but this is classic break-up behavior on his part. He doesn't want to lose you entirely. He wants to feel he could reel you back in if he decides to do so. So he makes it seem your fault when you don't respond promptly to an email. And as soon as he gets angry for a moment or withdraws his affection, you go crazy. He is provoking this needy, desperate behavior in you. And then your own self-esteem suffers. It might be good just to pick a strategy and stick with it. One helpful plan is to mirror him emotionally. Treat him exactly as he is treating you. If you sends a friendly email, write back in the same tone--but NOT IMMEDIATELY. If he expresses surprise or concern that you didn't respond to him right away, just apologize in a sincere but only friendly way and tell him you were busy with whatever it was. It's good if he misses you a little! Be happy and look happy! Don't expect to hear from him, and don't initiate contact at this point unless he has some special event or birthday or whatever. Then send a short happy note. This will help you gain some emotional perspective and begin separating from him in your heart. And if there's any opportunity of reconnecting romantically, this or NC are the best ways of going about it. You MUST NOT look available, needy, desperate, clinging, or despairing. Instead, look fun, happy, interesting, self-sufficient, and desirable. I know this may not be what you want to hear at this point, but you keep handing him your heart when it seems that all he wants is to know you're still available if he decides he wants you.
Cupcake Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 Softheart, you really are desparate and needy at this point. Look at yourself! You sit back and worry when he doesn't respond to your messages right away. But then, you feel guilty when you don't respond to his messages. The way he is treating you is classic emotional abuse. He is MAKING you feel like everything is your fault. He is MAKING you feel like you owe him something. Remember, he dumped you. So HE is the one who should be desparate for YOUR attention right now. He should be following your lead. Instead, you jump when he says jump. You gravel the moment he expresses disappointment in you. Really, look at yourself. It's soooo pathetic. I'm not trying to be mean to you. Perhaps, I feel so bad for you because my best friend is going through this exact same thing right now. And I've been through it before. It just makes me so angry. When you react to this kind of behavior the way that you are currently doing, it encourages the person to contine treating you this way. It's a cycle that you will never break. If you can't manage to end all communication with this man completely, at least take Velveteel's advice and not be sooo NEEDY and DESPARATE for his approval and attention. Don't react to his emotions, rather they be happy or sad. Stop allowing him to control the way you feel. Realize that if he's angry because you don't reply to him instantly, it's not because he loves you, or is worried about you. He gets angry because his ego is bruised that you are not still WAITING for him. When you apologize and feel guilty, that's just the confirmation he needs in order to know that he still has you wrapped around his little finger. If you ever manage to get yourself together and move on, emotionally from him, he will be very, very angry. But it will only be out of pride. Think about it! Anyone would feel great knowing that they have someone "worshiping" them. Celebraties are like this. But the moment that fame and prasie is removed, their egos are bruised. They feel terrible and would do almost anything to get it back. It's not really love. It's selfish power and pride. Many times, they don't even care about the sacrifices people make for them. They are just happy to have the attention. You MUST realize that the behavior your XBF is expressing for you right now is not love. You must be strong against his relentless tactics that keep you trapped within his power. Otherwise, you will continue to post these pathetic occasions in which he has "brought you down" again, and again.
PortoMarco11 Posted April 9, 2005 Posted April 9, 2005 Originally posted by soft heart I was strong and I didn't send him a message or an email after yesterday's conversation that went so wrong! He has just sent me an email that says: hope u're ok today and work is going well! I'm sorry about yesterday, i told u many times yesterday I'm sorry so u shouldnt have got so upset. I thought u didnt want to reply to me so i was worried. BUt after u told me the reason, i trusted u but u kept on doubting. But i tell u u shouldnt. I trust u! so dont get so offended please. Have a good day and sorry again So I guess I was the guilty one! Do you think I should reply back? I feel afraid that if I don't.. he won't talk to me ever again or he will not send me another message ever again! Why is he doing this? soft heart, kick him to the curb and move on. I know that may seem hard. But its obvious that this guy is nothing but a selfish jerk who thinks of nothing but himself. Any partner who asks for a break is not worth your time. When you have a problem in a relationship, you work at it together....you don't run away from it. A relationship is about two people, a team, it's not about one person.
Author soft heart Posted April 9, 2005 Author Posted April 9, 2005 It's Friday evening and I have no news from him since last time we spoke online.. since last time he was angry wtih me because I didn't reply to him ealier.. I have not contacted him since myself and I haven't been signing online! Do you think he will never contact me again because he thought I don't reply to his messages anyway?! But he doesn't know that I miss his messages and I was happy to hear from him!! He probably thought because I didn't reply I wasn't happy and now he doesn't send a message anymore! It's so hard!! I am not sure if no contact was the right step! Maybe he thinks I lost interest in him but that's not the truth at all! I feel like giving him a call or sending him a message! He spent such a nice weekend here with me 2 weeks ago and now we are not even talking to each other and we don't contact each other! I am worried if the no contact is right from my side because I wouldn't like to loose him completely but it seems like I have lost him already! It's so hard to know what to do! I miss him terribly especially now that is a weekend! I am going out with my housemate and some of her friends but I think of him all the time! It's so hard to know what he might be thinking and expecting of me at the moment? My housemate told me that not necessarily every guy is the same and not necessarily every guy wants to be always the one who is chasing.. I don't know what to do! I feel very low actually! I have just come back from a night club and there were a couple of guys interested.. one of them was actually pusueing me heavily but I am not intersted! I still think of my ex a lot and I miss him so much! I have just got home and I feel so lonely without him! I am sure he is out.. probably pursuing girls.. I would like to talk to him but I am worried now! should I contact him? maybe he really thinks I lost interest in him but the fact is I haven't and I still love him and think of him so much! If only he knew
iamwiserthanyou Posted April 9, 2005 Posted April 9, 2005 [i still love him and think of him so much! If only he knew] Softheart, he definately knows how you feel. He knows that when he doesn't contact you, you will be sitting there waiting for him. He knows how he has you wrapped around his little finger. By the way, in all this time that you've been crying over simply not "hearing" from him, he has been f**king his girlfriend, laughing and having fun every day without you, and he doesn't even think about you. If he were thinking about you, he would contact you. If he cared about you at all, he never would have broken up with you. HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. Even if you do still love him. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. You can call him every minute, if you'd like, and cry to him, sing to him, or jump for him. It still won't change anything. Answere all of his messages, ASAP. It still won't change anything. For this man, there is absolutely nothing you can do to GET him, or KEEP him.
Author soft heart Posted April 10, 2005 Author Posted April 10, 2005 I spoke to him today on msn and at first we had quite a nice chat about anything.. but then we started to talk about us.. i said to him if he would like to meet each other again and he replied "why are you asking me that?" he then said "yes but I don't know when". I said the reason why I am asking because I miss him and he replied and said "I miss you a bit". he then said that I shouldn't worry too much about us.. that it was him who made the decision to stop so I shouldn't blame myself. i said to him that I miss the times we had and he replied "ok. what are you trying to do now? it's like you want me to change my mind". I said that i am just being honest to tell him i miss him because last time we had such a nice time. He said "I know but it won't change my mind". He said nothing has changed since last time.. he said "I don't want to be with you now and I don't know about the future". he then said "i can see you are still hoping we will get back together because because you are asking me that after 2 weeks since last time I saw you". I said no it's just that i miss you and he said "ok. but you need to get used to. what can I do? i wanted to stop so I am not going to see you every time you miss me". I asked him so should I move on? he said "for now yes.but i told you already". I said so should I forget about us and he said "us maybe yes, me I hope not". I said to him that when he came last time he sounded as if it's not a final break up and now he sounds so sure and he said "i said one day maybe we can be together again but not after 2 weeks. im talking about years!!". i said to him i cannot believe that he was telling me to forget about us and he said "what is different from last time? I said to you I don't want you back now already before! nothing has changed". I said to him that he is talking to me now as if everything is final and over and he said "I never said I am not going to be with you again. but not before years because i won't change my mind after 6 months" he then said "you sound surprised" and I said "yes because you were talking differently before and behaving with me differently when you came here! He said "it's not truth" but i feel it is! he then said "of course it's difficult for me to let you move on but that's the best for you" I said to him "so it's completely the end? So why did you say before it was a break?" He replied "i said it because it was hard for me to break up and I didn't want to close any door if I want to go back again". I said so now you closed them? He said "no". He then said to me that he can see I was still hoping and that he doesn't want to explain himself to me all the time.. I said to him ok don't worry i'll move on! now I know the truth and he said "like a month ago! nothing has changed" but i know that it has changed because he wasn't behaving to me like he was sure and he wanted things completely over! I guess I am facing the reality now! He has made his mind up! I feel like he has met someone else because I didn't sound so convinced when he came to visit me 2 weeks ago The worst thing was at the end of our conversation I said to him I'll move on! I said I wish you well and he said "so you won't talk to me now anymore? I said " I will but not now". he asked "if not now when then?" he said "so you accepted to talk to me and to see me only because you thought it would change my mind and we would get back together? he said you only thought about you!" I was so shocked when he said that! He then said "you didn't listen to me and you didn't understand me at all". I said to him that it's harsh of him to say that I only think of me because i don't think it's true and that I am trying to understand him but I need time to think! and he said "ok i'll give you time! see you then!" and then we finished our conversation! I cannot understand the sudden change in his behaviour! He is so convinced now! he sounds so sure! he sounds like he knows that he doesn't want me now anymore! he was so different when he came here 2 weeks ago I guess i talked to him today because i wanted to have some kind of clarity of what is going on with us but im quite hurt that he was like this! what should I do now? what do you think about what he said to me? i know it's pretty much clear but I guess it's so painful to accept it all! im really hurt now!
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 10, 2005 Posted April 10, 2005 what should I do now? what do you think about what he said to me? His change wasn't sudden - its just a slow downward slope. Two weeks ago, he was nicer - now he's not. In two weeks time he may be short with you and cold. What to do? Don't contact him anymore, unless you want to push him into turning what little emotion he has left for you into resentment and dislike. Let him guide the relationship. If he wants to talk to you, he'll contact you. Otherwise, don't contact him. Do you pick up the phone when he calls? Sure. Just don't back him into a corner again when he does. He won't call you again if you do that. What do I think about it? "i said it because it was hard for me to break up and I didn't want to close any door if I want to go back again" I think he should have told you the truth to begin with. It would have been painful, but at least you would have known the deal and not harbored false hope.
Author soft heart Posted April 10, 2005 Author Posted April 10, 2005 i am trying to be strong about it.. but i feel so sad now! im in my bed crying! i cannot believe that he has made the final decision and 2 weeks ago he was talking completely differently! im so hurt! it's so painful! i honestly thought he didn't want to let go completely! it's over! and when he came 2 weeks ago he was so sweet and caring and he was so affectionate and he behaved to me as if he was still feeling for me and we were intimate and now he is talkig differently! i still can't understand! i know when he was here he told me that it's not final so why is he telling me now it is? it's so painful! do you think he has closed the door for good?
Author soft heart Posted April 11, 2005 Author Posted April 11, 2005 I FINALLY DID IT!!! I MANAGED TO TELL HIM THAT I NEED TIME ON MY OWN!! thanks guys for your help and your interpretations and your support and your advice! It's much appreciated!!! It's a bit long this time so sorry about the length but i had to tell you the details! Anyway, after he sent me the email I called him to make things completely clear! I couldn't go on like this anymore! As lili correctly said he would tell me he wants to move on.. explore others and then once I say I will move on he would come back to say he is sorry! I couldn't possibly let go with him coming and going like this! So I called him for clarification! He was actually nice to me and we had quite a calm talk about our situtation! He said it clearly that he does not want to be with me now.. it's over.. it's the end! But he said he still cares about me, misses me but he didn't want to tell me that just in case I would still hope! Anyway, after that we talked about whether to be in contact or not! I said that I am not sure but maybe for now we shouldn't be because he said it himself that he wants me to move on! He said that he will respect my decision even thogh he is not happy with that but that he would be unhappy if I decided not to hear from each other again! Anyway, I said to him that I cannot be his friend because I still have feelings for him.. we ended the conversation in a good way and then I thought about it for a little bit and we then had our "last conversation on msn"! Here it is: I said to him: I wanted to say that i was glad i received the email from you and i could talk to you about it today! i feel like i can tell you a lot and i really appreciate it! i became emotional today but i understand what you are saying! i just wanted to be clear that's all.. i don't want to forget completely as well and i agree with you that i would like to see you again but we need time. i guess i was worried today! i think loosing contact completely would be shame also. it's nice to feel that you still care and it's not only because i would hope.. it's nice to know it anyway.that's what i think HE says: you know, i m very happy to know u!! cos you are a great girl and I don't want to loose you completely! that's what I think. I said: thank you. that's nice to hear! HE says: thanks for being understanding! thanks for being understanding I say: i am trying to understand you because i care for you a lot and I want you to be happy He said " i know! the same for me! I want you to be happy and I respect you! that's why i try to be careful with u. i don't want to hurt you! I said: my heart is painful but I know as well that I cannot do anything. I can't force things and I must let it be! He said: i am sorry I hurt you! that's not what I want to do! i dont want to let u go completely! thats why i m still talking to u! It's difficult for me too. It was a harsh decision but I wanted to do it! i felt bad to do that but I did it. I said: but why did you tell me things like you don't want to close the door and that you never said you don't want to be with me again.. are these things truth? He says: i dont know! I am as lost as you! I am weak! I cannot promise you anything and you can't wait for me so we should forget us! I say: OK i'll leave it! HE say: because if i say no u would not move on and it's not fair for you! I say: if you want me to move on then i guess we might need to have time without hearing from each other for some time HE says: if that's what u want..i'll do it! it's your decision! i respect it! I say: but i didn't mean for good! I meant for now. HE says: what does "now" mean for u then? how long is it? I say: until we feel stronger HE says: and how can i know when u will feel stronger? I say: i can't say now! it's not definite when HE says: ok then! if it's what u think. i must respect it i guess I say: like i must respect your decision HE says: well i wish u all the best then I say: thank you! me too! HE says: but i ll be here if u need me I say: thanks. that's kind of you! i know you are someone who knows me well! i hope you are going to feel better about your job!! HE says: i dont think so...but it s ok i will survive. i may live abroad anyway... I say: good luck!! i hope it will work out for you and you will find the happiness you are looking for! HE says: please promise me we will see again? I say: i hope we will one day. you have been a very close person to me HE says: u dont have to hope. u can just say yes we will! because it depends on you! I say: also on you no? HE says:no because u want to stop keeping contact I say: but i didn't say for good HE says: so dont say all these things to me then. i feel depressed now I say: i said to you before it's until we are feeling stronger HE says: it's like we wont see any more! I hate that! I say: i know it's hard but we have to let it be now. I must go now. my friend is calling me. take care!!! HE says:I am f***ing crying now....my life is meaningless! i m only good to spread sadness around me. i am weirdo I say: you are not. im sure you will find your happiness!!! HE says: never! i m a crap and creep. bye I say: bye I was then talking to my friend and he came online again and he said the following: "please dont ever change ur email address ok?" I didn't asnwer at first and he called me again and said "dont change ur email address .... that's the last link i will have to you! ok? u dont want to answer?" I replied: yes i do.. sorry i was talking to a friend of mine..of course i won't change the address.. He says: never? I replied "of course not". He then said "ok i m leaving u then! i cant believe u re talking to your friend now. it doesnt sound important for u ? wish u the best! bye I say: it is important to me of course it is HE says: but u prefer sharing our last words together with your friend! great I say: she is not here anymore I say: don't worry! i didn't mean it's for good! He says: u said me good bye cos your friend was calling u. i feel a bit bad now but it's ok. I say: she was just asking about something He says: anyway it s ok. bye. I said "take care" I feel so sad now! but I feel that at least I have some of my power back! But he sounds hurt and he said he was crying! Maybe he really didn't want let go completely and now I lost him for good? I am not sure if I made the right decision but the reason why I made this kind of decision because he said to me that I should move on and forgret about us otherwise I wouldn't have made this kind of decision but now I am so scared I lost him for good??? I still love him so much!! What do you guys think?
Author soft heart Posted April 12, 2005 Author Posted April 12, 2005 I forgot to add that he sent me an email this afternoon: Yesterday I told him that I need time to move on and he sent me an email today: I'm sorry about last time, i didnt mean to hurt u! of course i still like u and i miss u! but as i already said, i want to experience other things and i cant look backwards all the time, that's why it's good for both of us to move on. But that doesnt mean that i want to completely forget u! not at all! and i d be happy to see u again , that's for sure! but i dont know if it 's a good idea so soon, if we want to forget a bit our relation... what do u think? and after this email we had the phone conversation and then the final chat online.. it's so hard to let go!! It's so hard to know if I made the right decision? what if I lost him completely now!?? Please help! What do you all think about our chat?
tokyo Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 soft heart, have to tell you, he is manipulating you big time. It was clear before, but after this conversation it is even more clear. He is sending you on a guilt trip whenever you seem to retreat. -- HE says: you know, i m very happy to know u!! cos you are a great girl and I don't want to loose you completely! that's what I think. There is a difference between losing someone completely and letting someone move on peacefully without holding him back all the time. I said: thank you. that's nice to hear! HE says: thanks for being understanding! thanks for being understanding I say: i am trying to understand you because i care for you a lot and I want you to be happy He said " i know! the same for me! I want you to be happy and I respect you! that's why i try to be careful with u. i don't want to hurt you! I said: my heart is painful but I know as well that I cannot do anything. I can't force things and I must let it be! He said: i am sorry I hurt you! that's not what I want to do! i dont want to let u go completely! thats why i m still talking to u! It's difficult for me too. It was a harsh decision but I wanted to do it! i felt bad to do that but I did it. Does he want a relationship or not? Have a little bit of a relationship seems to be quite unfair. I said: but why did you tell me things like you don't want to close the door and that you never said you don't want to be with me again.. are these things truth? He says: i dont know! I am as lost as you! I am weak! I cannot promise you anything and you can't wait for me so we should forget us! He's admitting that he's a jerk and thus you can never reproach him for not knowing that he's just a weak wimp who doesn't know it better. Some people posted about this forewarnings. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t60211/ I say: OK i'll leave it! HE say: because if i say no u would not move on and it's not fair for you! Does he wants you to move on or not?? I say: if you want me to move on then i guess we might need to have time without hearing from each other for some time HE says: if that's what u want..i'll do it! it's your decision! i respect it! He want's you to move on, right? I say: but i didn't mean for good! I meant for now. HE says: what does "now" mean for u then? how long is it? Panic starts to settle in. I say: until we feel stronger HE says: and how can i know when u will feel stronger? I say: i can't say now! it's not definite when HE says: ok then! if it's what u think. i must respect it i guess I say: like i must respect your decision Touché, very good. Quid pro quo. HE says: well i wish u all the best then I say: thank you! me too! HE says: but i ll be here if u need me I say: thanks. that's kind of you! i know you are someone who knows me well! i hope you are going to feel better about your job!! HE says: i dont think so...but it s ok i will survive. i may live abroad anyway... I say: good luck!! i hope it will work out for you and you will find the happiness you are looking for! That should be your attitude! HE says: please promise me we will see again? I say: i hope we will one day. you have been a very close person to me HE says: u dont have to hope. u can just say yes we will! because it depends on you! I say: also on you no? HE says:no because u want to stop keeping contact Trying to make you feel guilty with things you never said like this. I say: but i didn't say for good HE says: so dont say all these things to me then. i feel depressed now Now you have hurt his feelings, shame on you. I say: i said to you before it's until we are feeling stronger HE says: it's like we wont see any more! I hate that! What the hell does he expects when he breaks up with someone? I say: i know it's hard but we have to let it be now. I must go now. my friend is calling me. take care!!! HE says:I am f***ing crying now....my life is meaningless! i m only good to spread sadness around me. i am weirdo He want's pity.... I say: you are not. im sure you will find your happiness!!! HE says: never! i m a crap and creep. bye I say: bye I was then talking to my friend and he came online again and he said the following: "please dont ever change ur email address ok?" I didn't asnwer at first and he called me again and said "dont change ur email address .... that's the last link i will have to you! ok? u dont want to answer?" I replied: yes i do.. sorry i was talking to a friend of mine..of course i won't change the address.. He says: never? I replied "of course not". He then said "ok i m leaving u then! i cant believe u re talking to your friend now. it doesnt sound important for u ? wish u the best! bye I say: it is important to me of course it is HE says: but u prefer sharing our last words together with your friend! great Sulks like a baby, because you don't give him the appropiate amount of attention. What do you guys think? His emotions go up and down, sometimes he misses you and then he tries to keep you in a position that makes you available to him whenever he needs you. He wants to feel safe with you on the backburner, at the same time he is telling you that he wants you to let him alone, because he needs to experience new things and that he doesn't want you to bother him. Eat the cake and keep it. That concept is very easy to understand, I guess. As soon as he has found someone else, his need to stay in contact with you will drop very quickly. I think if you quit contact and move on, so will he. You probably could make him stay by playing games with him as well, but I'm not sure if that's what you want and if this is the kind of man you could ever respect. I for my part have a problem with people playing games with me and unless someone comes clear with me about them and admits his guilt, I don't forgive and don't consider him worth it to waste my time with. If you want to play games, stay in contact with him, let him know you have fun without him and make him jealous. As long as he hasn't found anybody else it will work to keep his attention. I believe though that with games you don't really keep people. He will put effort in you to make you stay on the backburner, but that's it and I guess, that's not really a solution. Honestly, I think you should let him go. I don't know his reasons for wanting to leave, maybe it has nothing to do with you and then you will never be able to hold him back. If the reasons were due to problems in the relationship you both could work on them, but people who are set to leave because they want to experience their freedom or don't want to have the responsibility will leave and they will only come back when they have seen that they don't need that much freedom or are ready to accept responsibility in a relationship for the comfort it offers. What you are giving him now is the comfort of a relationship without the responsibility.
greenhorn Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 Hi softheart, I have read just two posts of yours above and I can feel your pain now. If I get your situation correct then it is like he does not want to be with you, you tried a lot to be with him and still he didn't agree and now you decided to move on. Your chat shows that he is trying to stop you from moving on, I agree with Kooky, he is a JERK, he does not want to be with you and does not want to lose you either. He wants to have the fruits of apple tree but not want to give space for the tree in his garden. How mean of him??? You don't want to be his backup, the way he chooses is that he would have no obligation for you and still have you. He will go on philandering and when he has no one you would be there. Are you so worthless!! don't you have a life of your own. Don't stay for someone who does not want to be with you. I really can't understand how people can be so mean to propose something which he is proposing. He has dumped you and now when you are trying to move on he is trying to make you feel guilty. what a loser he is ???
Author soft heart Posted April 13, 2005 Author Posted April 13, 2005 Thanks for your support and encouragement! It's so so so SO HARD though for me now to imagine that I will actually not hear from him again! I miss him terribly already and it's been only a day! I am so scared I made a mistake! I am scared thinking that now there is no way for us to go back to each other because I decided to cut contact with him! To be completely honest with you, I thought he might send me an email or something but he hasn't! I am so scared that he will move on and forget about me completely and we will never ever speak again! We will never ever meet again! and this is a person I loved and I still love with all my heart! It's really hard! I am scared now to think that it's completely over because I have decided to cut all contact! He was sure he wanted me to move on but he was still there for me! now he will not be anymore!!! He will not forgive me that I have done this! I lost him completely!! I am seriously doubting if my decision was right! I don't feel it was!! I am checking my emails and phone for any messages! but nothing!! I am not entirely happy with my decision to be honest!! I am asking myself if my decision was a way to see whether he would react to it? but he hasn't!! because he thinks now that he has to respect my decision! I hate the fact that I hurt him yesterday!! I am actually hurting now!! What do you suggest? I am so down actually! I feel that now I have lost all my chances of him to re-consider his decision about the break up! Now he will move on and will forget about me! I am so scared! What have I done??!! Today is the second day since we have had our last chat on msn.. he has not made any attempt to call me or email me!! I lost him completely! What do you guys think?
Author soft heart Posted April 14, 2005 Author Posted April 14, 2005 It's been only a few days and I MISS HIM terribly! I actually feel sad and I think I am hurting even thought I try not to think about it all the time! but I think I was hoping that my decision will move him a little that he may send me a message but he hasn't! He has not said a single word since our last conversation! I know that realistically I should not expect anything from him because it was my decision to cut the contact completely but I cannot actually accept and imagine that we would not hear from each other! I am seriously doubting my decision!!! I lost someone who I love so much because I decided something that was against my will! It's crazy!! Do you think it would be a mistake to send me him a message? I am scared that if I don't and I will try to contact him later like in a month or so he will not respond to me anymore! It's so hard!! I feel that it was a mistake to close the door completely!! I still love him so much and I still miss him terribly! I miss his messages and his emails! They used to make me happy and now I decided not to be open to him anymore! I took away my happiness by my decision! I think it was wrong??!!! I am sad! I can't deal with the fact that he would not be longer a part of my life! He has been so so important for me and now I rejected him so much! I was stupid!!
tokyo Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 I'm not really sure what else I should say, I think LucreziaBorgia answered it quite nicely. If the factors that caused him to break up with you are still there, your relationship is doomed to fail. If you sit down and can not find anything wrong with your or him, except that he wants to go out and see if the grass is really greener, then there is your answer. Your decision can be to sit and wait till he realizes that other women are not better or that he can not get a better woman and then he might decide to come back. Or sit there till eternity and realize that he won't come back because you are not what he wants. Will you then still love him enough that he betrayed your love and went out, because he thought he could find something better? It's human to want to the best out of life. When you mature and make your mistakes you realize that often the things we desire are not what they are and also not what we want. We should be happy with what we have. Some people learn it earlier and others learn it later. Or you decide that you're not the kind of person who can forgive this betrayal and you quit contact and move on. My personal opinion is that he's not behaving like he cares too much for you. It's important for him to secure his emotional comfort by keeping you on the backburner. I liked very much LucreziaBorgia's analogy for the break. He's coming to work when he wants and he stays and if he doesn't like it he leaves. I wouldn't call this fair.
Author soft heart Posted April 15, 2005 Author Posted April 15, 2005 It's the weekend and I miss him so much!!! Do you think I should stop hoping for the future?
Author soft heart Posted April 16, 2005 Author Posted April 16, 2005 I sent him an email on Friday morning! I felt like I had to do it to get peace in mind! Here is what I wrote: I would like to say to you that the reason why I decided to cut contact for now with each other is because I know that I need to respect your decision. I know that if I stay in contact with you I would not be able to respect it fully and I would be still asking you questions about us and I know that right now it's not something you need and want from me. When you said to me that I should move on and forget about us, I knew that the only way I can do it is not to stay in contact with you for some time. I honestly didn't mean that it's for good. I want you to know that it's extremely hard for me to do that because I miss you and you are still very special and important for me but I had to follow my mind this time and not my heart! It may have sounded to you on msn that it wasn't important to me but the truth is that it is very extremely important for me! I had to decide something that I am not exactly happy with but I knew I had to! My aim is not to forget you or loose contact with you for good! It's not at all!! It's to become stronger about the situation because I still have strong feelings for you. I will not change my email address and I would like to see you again! I just need time to get over the hurt from the break up and to feel stronger on my own without you! You asked me to promise to you that we will meet again! I would like to say that I promise to you that we will because I would like to see you again but because you were the one who decided to stop I knew that at the end of the day it depends on you if you want to see me again that's why I said to you that I hope that we will! But if you want me to promise to you that we will and if it must depend on me then I promise we will and I promise that I will not cut the contact for good! I am sorry if I made you feel bad on msn but that was not my intention and also I don't think badly about you! I am just trying really hard to understand you and to follow your decision!! I am trying to respect your decision by respecting my decision. Could you also promise me that you will meet me again and talk to me after some time? Please forgive me for my decision! Take care! This is what he wrote back: I do understand completely what and why u are doing this! That's why i'm not going to insist to make u change your mind. I respect u a lot and i like u a lot too. That's why i want to respect that. It's very hard to know i will not hear from u and not see u for a while, specially when i dont know how long this cut will last but i will do it. I feel very strange to know i wont see u for a while and i feel sad. Because just before your decision even if we were not together any more, i knew we would stay in touch and in a way i felt u were still next to me and it was reassuring for me because i had the feeling i could rely on u and come back if i wanted. I know it was a selfish feeling but don't reproach me it because i did that because of my feelings for u. Now when i feel u keeping your distant, i feel bad and realise i will not be able to rely on u and i will definitely loose u. But everything is because of me , it is my decision and i should be accountable for it. I had to consider your position and not only put myself in a confortable situation. So yes i accept your decision and i will respect it because i know u're taking the right decision no matter how hard it is for me. I just want u to know u were my best and u will stay in my mind and heart for a while! Finally i want to say that of course i want to see u again. I promise it and i'm the most sincere ! i 'm not going to let u get rid of me so easily . I already miss u so much... But i just want u to know that whenever u need or want, i will be still here for u and i don't want u to hesitate to contact me because i will be so happy to hear from u and help u! My best wish is to see u again and to know u happy! so u can always rely on me. When u feel stronger, i want u to contact me! until then i will disappear and be waiting for ur email or ur call. I will also strive to find my way in this strange jungle that is life... i like u so much! millions of kisses! Take care! It's so sad!!! I feel so sad but I know in my heart that we both care so much and it's so hard to let go for both of us!! I feel that I have made the right decision now! But I still feel like I wish I could hope that maybe in the future we could find the way to each other! I love him! He was being really honest with me in his email! I really appreciate it! I was scared that he would blame me but he hasn't! He has been really good about it! I miss him! Oh my God I miss him so much!! It's so hard to move on! But now at least I can do it peacefully with no guilt feelings or feeling bad about my decision! Do you think it could happen in the future for us?
tokyo Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 I'm not sure if I'm not projecting too much of my own experience in regards to jerks and idiots in here, I also wonder if I'm not a tad paranoid, but I see this email as full with manipulative bullsh*t written by a selfish jerk. I know it was a selfish feeling but don't reproach me it because i did that because of my feelings for u. He didn't apologize, he's excusing himself with his strong feelings for you, how are you supposed to say no? This is a selfish love, he wants you, but where is the kindness, the caring for you? if he really cared for you, he would let you move on and not let you know how strong his feelings for you are, that's the line that he will use to draw you back. He's not taking any responsibility for anything. And be sure, his promises are worthless. Wait in a month or so, when he has met someone else if he will still tell you that you can rely on him and come to him whenever you need him. What he is doing is, he by offering you so much, makes you feel guilty for not offering him the same, thus, whenever he needs you, he will come back. Whenever you need him, he can tell you that you need to move on, that it's the best for you. That you hurt his feelings by wanting no contact. That he wasn't sure if you would keep your promise and so he decided to move on. That guy is such a flake. On a sidenote, I think people should try to conform to the basic rules of grammar and spelling when they write a letter or email with a serious content. Look at your letter and look at his. I'm not sure how much one is allowed to deduce anything from this, but in my opinion these are two different worlds. By thinking and by feeling.
Author soft heart Posted April 17, 2005 Author Posted April 17, 2005 Thanks for your replies kooky... regarding the grammar and spelling, we are not native English speakers! We both communicate in English together but English is not our mother tongue so I think it's hard for us sometimes to really express what we feel and what we want to say! That's why I am not really sure that we would be able to be so manipulative as an English speaker?!!
Author soft heart Posted April 17, 2005 Author Posted April 17, 2005 After sending the emails to each other I thought he would not contact me again! I decided to go out yesterday night with a friend of mine! It was quite a good night but I realised that I am not intersted in anyone else and I still miss him so so much! I didn't go to bed until about 2.30 am.. At 4 am THE PHONE RINGS!! When I answered it was HIM!! He started to tell me that he went out with his friends and that he misses me a lot! and that he has been thinking about me a lot these days especially after I made the decision to cut contact! He started to say that I conquered his heart and I am under his skin and that he misses me so much! He said that he is lost and that he just cannot understand himself because he actually said to me that he was happy with me and that I am pretty and a really nice girl so he can't understand himself why can't he just be happy with what he has! He said that he would like to hug me and kiss me and cuddle me.. he then asked me if I went out so I said I did go out and he started to say that he is fearing that I will meet someone else! he says that he is fearing that he will call me one day and I won't pick up the phone because I'll be with somebody else! I said to him that I am not looking for a relationship and for anyone else! He said that not now but later you will! I said to him but what about you? You might meet someone else as well and then you will drop me because she won't be happy that you still contact me.. he said that he won't accept that! he then said he doesn't know what to do that he is lost.. he started to say that he is sorry he called that he should not have done that because he is not respecting my decision! I said to him to stop saying that! That I am happy he called! He asked if I was sure? I said yes! Anyway, after that he asked me if we meet again.. I said yes we can in the future and he said are you sure? I said yes.. he said that he misses me! I said that I miss him too! He asked him if he is happy with his decision and he said that when he doesn't think about us he is but when he starts to think about me he isn't! But he keeps saying that he needs to respect it! I just cannot understand it why does he have to make it so hard on himself! He said he doesn't know either. But he then said that he can't go back because the problems would be still there. He said that the fact that it's a distance relationship it's hard for him! He then said I know that you are stronger than me! I said it's not truth! It's just that I appear stronger but it's hard for me too! I don't want him to think that I don't care and I want to move on because I am not intersted in him any longer! It's not truth! Anyway, I didn't beg and I didn't try to convince him. I just said ok and then we said good bye to each other! He sent me an email this morning which actually made me cry! It made me cry mainly because I feel that we are ending our relationship but we both still feel so strongly about each other and the fact that we don't live in the same country is not helping! Here is what he wrote: I am sorry for last night, i woke you up and didnt respect your decision. It's just that i really wanted to hear u because i missed u a lot. I didnt mean to confuse u about my feelings but yes i still do like u a lot and i can't help! But i promise i will respect now your decision, it's just that i was drunk and it was quite soon after u explained me that u want to cut contact, so i got emotional. I promise i won't do that again and the next time it will be you who will contact me and not me anymore for the reasons i said yesterday in my email. Forget about what i said on the phone, my emotions were stronger than my rationale but it's ok now. Of course i want to meet u in may but we shouldnt because i didnt change my mind about us and so u need to respect your decision too. Sorry if i dont call u but its easier for me by email than on the phone. Actually I feel so sad because even though I made a decision to cut contact with him it's not what I really want in my heart! Of course I want to hear from him! I want him to contact me but he is thinking that he has to respect it and now he has even promised me he won't contact me again! It's killing me! What should I reply? I want him to know that the truth! I still love him and I want him back! I know it! When he called last night I was so happy to hear from him! Please help me what should I tell him! I am not sure I am really happy with my decision with cutting all the contact with him! It was so hard today but I haven't called yet! I am trying to be strong but I don't want to ignore his email either! I want him to know that he is in my heart! I care for him so much! I don't want him to misunderstand me that I want to move on thinking that I no longer love him and I no longer hope because I still do!! Any suggestions how to respond to his email? I am feeling really lost at the moment! I don't know what to do! I want to tell him how I truly feel but I am not sure whether I should? I don't want to cut contact with him at the end of the day. i know that in my heart i don't want to! it's just something i am forced doing! What do you advise? thanks!! I think his phone call made me think about him a lot! marilyn
Author soft heart Posted April 18, 2005 Author Posted April 18, 2005 I find this so hard!!! I still haven't responded to his last email! I am really lost not knowing whether I should or not? His phone call definitely confused me! But the email next day hurt me a lot!! I don't know what to do? I feel like I should say something to his email because I don't want to loose him! I mean he told me when he called me that he misses me so much and he is lost and confused himself!
Author soft heart Posted April 19, 2005 Author Posted April 19, 2005 It's killing me not to be in contact with him! I am trying to move on but he is on my mind from the minute I wake up until the minute I fall asleep! I can actually feel the pain inside me! I chose not to have contact with him so i could heal and move on but I actually feel worse! I feel so empty without him! I feel unhappy without his messages... He said the same on the phone when he called me last!! The problem is that he thinks that he has to respect my decision and he said he will not contact me again.. he even made a promise that he won't! BUT in all actuallity it's not what I want!!! Should I call him and tell him how I feel? Maybe he doesn't know how I really feel about him! I mean if I was in his shoes I wouldn't know exactly because since the break up I haven't been beggin or calling.. my heart aches! Please what do you think? I am kind of desparate!
tokyo Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 I feel sorry, that you are so sad and desperate, but I don't know what else I should say. I think he knows already how you feel about him, I would be surprised if he didn't. Should you decide to talk to him, ask him, what he would do if he was in your place. Maybe he will tell you indirectly what he wants.
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