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If a bf did this, wouldn't this be unforgivable?

dragon_fly_7

By dragon_fly_7
in General Relationship Discussion

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dragon_fly_7 Established Member

dragon_fly_7

Posted
Posted (edited)

Apart from obviously a big NO to cheating and abuse...this is something else I would find very unforgivable if any closed members, dear friend and bf did: sitting down, watch me get beat up and did absolutely nothing like (not even call for help immediately at the very least) in this girl's story. If I were that girl, I would feel that so called ''bf'' failed me completely and not be able to overlook that.

 

 

We were walking into the cafeteria in the morning for breakfast and this group of people come and start saying some random, rude things to me and my boyfriend. We just ignored them and went to our seats. They sat across from us (that's how I knew something was wrong because they have their own table). Then, the "leader," of the group whose name is Christopher grabbed my milk. I tried to grab it back but accidentally hit his hand and it spilled on him. I just told him, you shouldn't have taken my milk. Then, he walked around to my side and about 3 seconds later I was literally yanked by my hair out of my seat. He then starts to punch and drag me by hair I tried to kick and hit back but he was like way stronger. I looked at my boyfriend and he was just sitting there staring at what was happening. I got so frustrated I started to cry. Then the school security came and grabbed him off of me. We were both taken to the office and suspended for 10 days. I tried to call my boyfriend but he doesn't answer any of my calls. I texted him and asked if we were broken up he just said, "no." I got really pissed and texted him a 4 paragraph letter about how mad I was and blah blah blah. He read it and didn't respond and I am 100000000X madder. Why did he just stare? And would you have done the same?

Edited by dragon_fly_7
No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted

Considering that my friend circle would have jumped that fella like a pack of wolves, and my BF would just sit and watch -- nope. Civil courage is something I'd want from anybody, and if my BF won't even try to get me out of harm (seriously, punch someone's nose and he's distracted for a good long while) that relationship would be over.

  • Like 4
Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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Actually he may have been shocked.

 

I think it is forgiveable. However I do think that if you are suffering from this level of violence at school then you both need self defence classes and to change schools.

 

You are there to learn not get beaten up.

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Tayken Established Member

Tayken

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Nobody in their right mind should sit there and watch someone else get beaten up.....wrong on so many level regardless of race / gender / etc

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Danda Established Member

Danda

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I'm not sure it would be a matter of forgiveness, exactly, if I were in the gal's shoes. I would definitely lose all respect for the guy and that would essentially kill the relationship right there. I'm a short female and nowhere near muscular at all, and I have stepped between predator and prey more than once in my life. It wasn't about being strong or brave or anything like that. It was because I loved people.

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DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

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This is quite sad to really read a story like this one up above,

I can't fathom sitting and watching someone do that to someone I love,

Doesn't matter about the numbers, much like the battle of Thermopylae,

If someone even touched my baby, there would be a war, you best believe.

 

I personally think that part of a man's job and responsibility,

Is to keep the peace and try to keep everyone's civility,

However, should someone cross the line and grab my lady's hair,

I would have to do more than just sit there and stare...

  • Like 2
newmoon Established Member

newmoon

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i had a situation like this once, a guy wasn't beating me up, but he was being very aggressive towards me in a club, including grabbing my upper arm, and my then-bf just stood to the side and watched. of course i lost all respect for my bf and wanted him to have helped, but he told me afterwards "it looked like you could handle yourself." you have to wonder how advanced we are as women if we want everything equal equal equal and then expect our bf to get in and help us out when there is trouble. lots of guys aren't 'fighters' and won't even bother, for whatever reason.

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USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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I'm not sure it would be a matter of forgiveness, exactly, if I were in the gal's shoes. I would definitely lose all respect for the guy and that would essentially kill the relationship right there. I'm a short female and nowhere near muscular at all, and I have stepped between predator and prey more than once in my life. It wasn't about being strong or brave or anything like that. It was because I loved people.

 

Yea...this...

 

His inaction is more a reflection of his capacity as a dude...I'm not implying that men have to be white knight protectors of women, but he must have some ability to assess a situation and act. It appears he was stuck in his own mind...or decided not to act... :confused:

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Lernaean_Hydra Established Member

Lernaean_Hydra

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Ugh no, who in the hell would stay with that coward? Completely unresponsive? I don't think so.

 

Now I haven't been in a physical fight since my teen years but more than once (hey, I got sick of being bullied ok) even one of my female friends jumped in.

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Danda Established Member

Danda

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Ugh no, who in the hell would stay with that coward? Completely unresponsive? I don't think so.

 

Now I haven't been in a physical fight since my teen years but more than once (hey, I got sick of being bullied ok) even one of my female friends jumped in.

 

Yeah I agree exactly. It's not really a matter of manliness. I mean there are the whole "mother bear" sayings and such, as well, when it comes to protective aggression. I just know that when I see an innocent person being tormented in some way by predatory people, it enrages me. I would have unsettled thoughts towards someone who expressed no such upset at the same thing. The fact that they were lovers just makes it even creepier.

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SomeDude16 Established Member

SomeDude16

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Had I found myself in a situation like that I would most likely have broken someone's jaw but....... I think it would be a little selfish to be upset. Consider the circumstances of the situation. Its isolated to the female vs the male, 1v1. Let's say the bf jumps in and gets physical. This escalates things. Now the guys crew joins in and it's 6 vs 2. Now both get their asses kicked and the boyfriend can't remove the girl from the situation or care for her. Now the girl and boy get in trouble. The guy gets charged with assault and got his ass kicked while leaving the girl behind to deal with them again. Sometimes it's just best to be a great witness then to get involved. Of course this is all circumstantial.

almond Established Member

almond

Posted
Posted (edited)
Had I found myself in a situation like that I would most likely have broken someone's jaw but....... I think it would be a little selfish to be upset. Consider the circumstances of the situation. Its isolated to the female vs the male, 1v1. Let's say the bf jumps in and gets physical. This escalates things. Now the guys crew joins in and it's 6 vs 2. Now both get their asses kicked and the boyfriend can't remove the girl from the situation or care for her. Now the girl and boy get in trouble. The guy gets charged with assault and got his ass kicked while leaving the girl behind to deal with them again. Sometimes it's just best to be a great witness then to get involved. Of course this is all circumstantial.

 

I absolutely disagree that it's selfish for her to be upset.

 

I also disagree that it's okay to sit back and be a "great witness" to your girlfriend being assaulted by another man. How ridiculous.

 

Consider the circumstances of the situation? I don't see any justification for the cowardly behaviour. It's at a school...the fight was broken up quite quickly. He definitely should have intervened.

 

The guy should have jumped on that guy without hesitation, hopefully allowing his gf to get out of there. A woman vs a man is not a fair fight. Defending her and protecting her against harm is hardly an escalation - it's a necessity. You don't just sit there while your girlfriend is getting assaulted by a man...end of.

 

I'd be walking away very quickly if this happened to me - no questions asked. If I wanted a partner with no balls, I'd be dating a female.

Edited by almond
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Danda Established Member

Danda

Posted
Posted
Had I found myself in a situation like that I would most likely have broken someone's jaw but....... I think it would be a little selfish to be upset. Consider the circumstances of the situation. Its isolated to the female vs the male, 1v1. Let's say the bf jumps in and gets physical. This escalates things. Now the guys crew joins in and it's 6 vs 2. Now both get their asses kicked and the boyfriend can't remove the girl from the situation or care for her. Now the girl and boy get in trouble. The guy gets charged with assault and got his ass kicked while leaving the girl behind to deal with them again. Sometimes it's just best to be a great witness then to get involved. Of course this is all circumstantial.

 

I can see this point of view if it were actually for strategic purposes, like if the boyfriend ran to get help or whipped out his phone to record and press charges. But per the story details, he just sat there staring, no response whatsoever, and then didn't even bring it up later. That's flippin weird.

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SomeDude16 Established Member

SomeDude16

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I absolutely disagree that it's selfish for her to be upset.

 

I also disagree that it's okay to sit back and be a "great witness" to your girlfriend being assaulted by another man. How ridiculous.

 

Consider the circumstances of the situation? I don't see any justification for the cowardly behaviour. It's at a school...the fight was broken up quite quickly. He definitely should have intervened.

 

The guy should have jumped on that guy without hesitation, hopefully allowing his gf to get out of there. A woman vs a man is not a fair fight. Defending her and protecting her against harm is hardly an escalation - it's a necessity. You don't just sit there while your girlfriend is getting assaulted by a man...end of.

 

I'd be walking away very quickly if this happened to me - no questions asked. If I wanted a partner with no balls, I'd be dating a female.

 

My statement was meant to emphasize a more broad range of situations than just the one being described. While I don't condone him taking no action whether it be getting help, acting as a witness, or jumping in we cannot criticize the actions in hindsight. We could say that they are both responsible for not walking away after he took the milk. But it's not fair to judge either reaction because it's different to expire nice in the moment.

 

I really hope that I'm misreading your statement implying not fighting is unmanly. There is this notion that fighting is always the answer and the only answer. That is not true. In the real world that's a good way to get yourself killed.

mammasita Established Member

mammasita

Posted
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Side note: why was the girl suspended for being assaulted?

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted
Side note: why was the girl suspended for being assaulted?

 

Based on all the accounts from my SO as a high school teacher of 15 years in a large US city, I would bet $1 that the guy was a minority and the girl was white. If the girl got off without a suspension even for doing nothing, the parents of the minority child would sue for racial discrimination. School administrators are generally spineless idiots who cower at the mere mention of lawsuit from minorities. The race card is their golden ticket.

 

I genuinely wish it wasn't this way...and people wonder why there's such a divide... :rolleyes:

  • Like 1
Lernaean_Hydra Established Member

Lernaean_Hydra

Posted
Posted
Based on all the accounts from my SO as a high school teacher of 15 years in a large US city, I would bet $1 that the guy was a minority and the girl was white. If the girl got off without a suspension even for doing nothing, the parents of the minority child would sue for racial discrimination. School administrators are generally spineless idiots who cower at the mere mention of lawsuit from minorities. The race card is their golden ticket.

 

I genuinely wish it wasn't this way...and people wonder why there's such a divide... :rolleyes:

 

On the other hand, a lot of schools have these ridiculous "zero tolerance" policies which often result in students getting suspended for fighting regardless of who initiated. I grew up and went to schools in predominately white neighborhoods and saw this kind of BS all the time no matter the race or gender.

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted
On the other hand, a lot of schools have these ridiculous "zero tolerance" policies which often result in students getting suspended for fighting regardless of who initiated. I grew up and went to schools in predominately white neighborhoods and saw this kind of BS all the time no matter the race or gender.

 

Yea, my SO taught at a school that had a "zero tolerance" policy for suspending kids, especially those of color. She was threatened by a student both verbally and physically (with a weapon), and nothing happened to the student except moving her to a different class. Because suspending that student would have violated the student's civil rights. I wish I could be making this up...

 

But apologies to OP for getting slightly off topic...

  • Like 2
Danda Established Member

Danda

Posted
Posted
On the other hand, a lot of schools have these ridiculous "zero tolerance" policies which often result in students getting suspended for fighting regardless of who initiated. I grew up and went to schools in predominately white neighborhoods and saw this kind of BS all the time no matter the race or gender.

 

My school had the same policy, so in the two times I got attacked, I beat the ever loving **** out of them since I knew I was gonna get in trouble anyway, just made it worth it at least. Just as a testament to how such policies prevent violence and such lol.

  • Like 1
contact1 Established Member

contact1

Posted
Posted

There is the possibility, as I'm going to assume this is probably in a high school, that there is a rear fear of being shot by the people that were causing trouble. This could explain why the bf froze, in that if he would have stepped in, he may have had the fear of being shot. His reaction afterwards though was inexcusable, if the story from the female is true in all content, meaning she really was completely innocent and didn't provoke such behavior.

 

I'm not saying it is ever okay to hit a woman, it never is, but if you are in a dangerous high school where violence is the norm, you should know better. Again all just theory.

  • Like 1
Lernaean_Hydra Established Member

Lernaean_Hydra

Posted
Posted
My school had the same policy, so in the two times I got attacked, I beat the ever loving **** out of them since I knew I was gonna get in trouble anyway, just made it worth it at least. Just as a testament to how such policies prevent violence and such lol.

 

 

:lmao:

 

Yes! It's sad but my mom used to be like "Look, if somebody hits you...you F%!K THEM UP!" Because we both knew the end result would be the same.

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dragon_fly_7 Established Member

dragon_fly_7

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Yeah the suspension part for simply trying to defend yourself in a totally unfair fight was harsh. The girl did updated it about what the principal said:

 

Yes, the principal said I shouldn't have thrown the milk on him and I tried to explain to him that I didn't but he wouldn't listen to me and he said since milk was all over Christopher it must be true because he has no reason to lie and when he was hitting me I should tried to walk away instead of fight back.

 

Apparently the principal has some strange logic esp the part about suggesting that she should have just walk away when she was getting punched. As if it's so easy for a girl to get out of a guy's grip (esp when he's not letting go and continues punching) and walk away.

Edited by dragon_fly_7
Danda Established Member

Danda

Posted
Posted
There is the possibility, as I'm going to assume this is probably in a high school, that there is a rear fear of being shot by the people that were causing trouble. This could explain why the bf froze, in that if he would have stepped in, he may have had the fear of being shot. His reaction afterwards though was inexcusable, if the story from the female is true in all content, meaning she really was completely innocent and didn't provoke such behavior.

 

It's a valid viewpoint you have, in my opinion. Situations like that are rarely ever cut and dry. I tend to be feisty as all hell when I go into 'protector mode' and my behavior is not always strategic or logical in such cases. This can make things worse. On the other hand because I feel the passionate, fiery RAWR that I do, when I see people using self-protecting head-down-mouth-shut tactics it makes me cringe. Revolutions don't come without sacrifice. In my eyes neither approach is right or wrong. It's just a very tough and complex situation, usually. If it wasn't then surely we'd have resolved the whole thing swiftly long ago.

  • Like 2
almond Established Member

almond

Posted
Posted (edited)
My statement was meant to emphasize a more broad range of situations than just the one being described. While I don't condone him taking no action whether it be getting help, acting as a witness, or jumping in we cannot criticize the actions in hindsight. We could say that they are both responsible for not walking away after he took the milk. But it's not fair to judge either reaction because it's different to expire nice in the moment.

 

I really hope that I'm misreading your statement implying not fighting is unmanly. There is this notion that fighting is always the answer and the only answer. That is not true. In the real world that's a good way to get yourself killed.

 

I can criticize the actions in hindsight. A guy sitting by, watching his girlfriend being viciously assaulted by a school bully is nothing short of cowardly.

 

I understand that your statement was intended to touch upon a range of situations, but when you stated that we should consider these particular circumstances (1 girl vs 1 guy), you were being specific and responding to the OP, as was I. Again, I do not believe that it was okay for him to sit idly by and not help his girlfriend.

 

You're not misinterpreting my statement - not fighting in this particular instance was about as manly as sitting at home in pink frilly pyjamas, eating ice cream and crying to a chick flick. I never said that fighting is always the answer - not even close. I am simply responding to the OP.

Edited by almond
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