I feel like there are walls in my head (romance with depression and anxiety)

[sammo777]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new here. My life is stuck in a rut both career-wise and love-wise.

 

I'm 28 years old, 5' 7" tall, and single. That is, I'm single in a sea of friends, family, and acquaintances who are all coupling up, getting engaged, and getting married.

 

I feel pathetic, I feel humiliated, and I feel that I am not supposed to be happy being single when so many people around me are coupled. When you look at the bliss that couples enjoy as well our social conditioning that teaches us to look for a mate and to regard singledom as a problem, you can see why I'm not feeling too well at the moment.

 

I worry that I'm reaching the Age 30 deadline in addition to my short stature; I see both as serious obstacles to finding lasting love.

 

I have an OKC account, but so many times I've sent messages only for them to be ignored. I've considered pursuing dates in other ways, but given my lack of success on OKC, I figure I'm not gonna have much success with any other method.

 

Earlier this year, I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I've been put on Sertraline and Risperidone, and I'm being treated by three therapists/psychiatrists. I'm being open about this because I believe in de-stigmatizing mental health problems.

 

All of my past relationships have ended. I've had two past girlfriends ask me either directly or indirectly to marry them, but conditions just weren't right at the time.

 

Many, many people have told me in various ways to keep my chin up. I want to be positive, I want to be happy and upbeat. I want to be optimistic that there's someone out there for me.

 

However, talk is cheap. It's the easiest thing in the world for someone to just tell you to feel better or to just tell you to be optimistic. I need a reason to actually *believe* it - I need proof. I need evidence that the case for optimism is grounded in reality, not just delusion.

 

Can you help me? Can you encourage me? Can you give me some kind of evidence that I can find lasting love?

[TabbyHearts]

Sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, but it's very good to hear that you are actively getting help and being proactive in your recovery.

 

Lack of love in life can cause a huge negative pattern in the way we feel about ourselves and our sense of self worth, especially if we believe that it's down to something about our appearance. It is especially unhelpful for you, because something like height can never be changed. There wouldn't be so many love gurus, therapists, or even forums like this if many, many people did not feel the way you do.

 

First, it's very easy to convince yourself that you aren't more successful in love because of an aspect of your appearance. But let's say over the next week you take time to look around and notice couples, you will see many different types of people are together, even ones you consider 'inferior' to yourself, in relationships. For emphasis purposes, I know a guy your height who is married to a woman who is nearly 6' tall. Is that what you want? I don't know, but they are a real live couple that I personally know. I also know several guys who are shorter than you that are married/in relationships...all with shorter women, but luckily most women are shorter!

 

The bad part is, thinking that the entire reason you are single is down to one aspect, it actually closes you off from potential. I am speaking from experience when an aspect of my appearance caused me to believe that it was impossible for anyone to like me. I know this isn't true, but it was easier to believe that and walk around with walls up than to try and have to face rejection. You must choose the harder path, the reward is far greater.

 

Also, you cannot let age get you down. I am 32 and not married nor have I been in a serious relationship in about 10 years. If you had asked me at 22 if I thought I would be married by the time I'm 30, I would have said "hell yeah, I freaking hope so!" Life doesn't magically fall together because you have had a certain number of birthdays. And maybe this is something you can discuss in your therapy, but the end goal for you in life is obviously to fall in love and settle down, which I hope happens because it's something you want, but a better and more challenging goal is how to be happy with your life and what you have if that never happens.

 

Wishing you all the best.

[Tayken]

and acquaintances who are all coupling up, getting engaged, and getting married.

 

I feel pathetic, I feel humiliated, and I feel that I am not supposed to be happy being single when so many people around me are coupled.

 

Aye Aye...just because they are coupling up doesn't mean they are "happy". What you are not seeing is all the drama behind close doors, and some of the crap either one has to put up with from the other.

 

Who says the deadline is 30...where is this coming from? You make your own happiness in life, and most people are happy being single. You do not need another person to make you happy.

 

Get your career in line first (a foundation for your future), before worrying about a relationship. Unless of course you are a female who is looking to rely on a man to "make her happy", and doesn't see the allure in making something out of her life professionally.

[Satu]

Nobody can love you more than you love yourself, and you don't seem to love yourself at all.

 

Think about that. Think long and hard about it.

 

Also, be aware that nobody can 'make you happy.'

 

You are the only person who can make you happy.

 

You want people to 'prove to you' that you can find lasting love?

 

Prove it to yourself, or give up.

 

It's your choice.

[most_distant_galaxy]

The worst thing you can do is 1) being a perfectionist, 2) comparing yourself to others.

 

1) is not realistic. There is no perfect life. You can start with "good enough" and then build up from there. You'll be surprised with how much stress is going to be removed off your shoulders. And you'll be surprised with how many things you'll achieve if you allow yourself to try. You will have the proof you're looking for.

 

2) Is meaningless. There's always someone we think has it better. There are millions of people who wish they were you. And it happened that your circle of friends are all coupled. So what? Your coupled friends could easily compare their selves with other couples. Comparing can go on forever. See what you have and appreciate it. It will make you happier. And the romantic proof will come, it just won't be coming 10 times per day. It will come once and for all.

 

Talk yourself mentally, as if he were a friend you love very much. What kind of advice would you give him? I bet that your advice would be "relax and enjoy your life. you're awesome and worrying over trivial stuff".

 

And take a hug. Your stature is fine!

[Satu]

Some little scraps of truth:

 

Nobody has sky-high self-esteem all the time.

 

Nobody looks exactly how they'd really like to look.

 

Nobody has as much money as they'd really like to have.

 

Nobody is as intelligent as they'd really like to be.

 

 

The 'secret' is learning to love yourself as you are.

 

From that point on, life gets better.

[me85]

First of all, you write intelligently. That alone indicates that you are smart and being smart is always attractive. Your height is fine. Most women, such as myself, do like tall men but really, it doesn't matter all that much. I feel like, well as long as they're taller than me, we're good. And I'm 5' 5.5".

 

I'm not going to encourage you to keep your chin up about finding love since you've had plenty of people do that for you already. I will, however, encourage you to just focus on yourself and believe in yourself. That's much more important. I'm 29 and single, never married, never proposed to, no kids...and I'm perfectly fine with that. Things will happen when they're supposed to happen. There's no sense in you worrying about things you have no control over. You're doing your part by putting yourself out there and that's all you can do.

[me85]

I'd also like to add that I applaud how open you are with your anxiety and depression. I'm open with my anxiety and depression as well. Keeping things under rug swept is no way to live happily. Especially not with other people. So the fact that you are open and honest is yet another thing you have going for you and will most certainly benefit you in a RS with a lover. Communication is always key. It looks like you've overlooked a few of your awesome traits. (=