Lostrabbit Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 Before you read I know many will come back with a resounding nooooo don't do it! I don't know if I'll send yet but thoughts on what I wrote is it clear? I've been trying to search for the words to encourage you to reflect and remember, I know for you it feels as though it is done, but 2yrs of our lives doesn't just disappear so I need to say this. I realise you don't want to hear and already I can feel you tutting but please read this with an open heart, I know the person I know you to be doesn't just shut people out (you may want to settle in with a brew as its a it long with no pictures). I know you feel you are safer guarding your emotions and moving on without allowing yourself to look back as you sometimes tend to do or maybe you don't feel that's what you're doing but I have definitely come to realise that emotional reactions can be extreme and confusing, I'm asking you to put the last few weeks aside as the have bee the minority and not the majority of us. I understand you have had your doubts and have felt torn by those feelings you feel have ebbed away and your feelings of care, despite you feeling you had lost love the care that made you stay inspite of those doubts are the markings of love and at times I know you did feel it; love in its most basic form is based on those feelings of care and that surely means it hasn't died completely. I don't doubt you always cared and still care, although passion can seemingly wither when obstacles and commitments seem to be overwhelming, as you have said that you found, I admit we may have got into a rut and may have got too comfortable (maybe picking each other's bogies was too much) but it does not have mean it has to be gone indefinitely; it's like foods, sometimes you can't get enough of them and sometimes you go off them for a while but then find a new love for them. Therefore, if you'll excuse the rudimentary analogy, it does not always mean they have gone and you should forget those feelings and block them out and never 'eat' them again and seek that fulfillment elsewhere, (look at green ketchup, red came back..?) those are the time to evolve those feelings and re explore them. Any connection you feel with someone else cannot be as deep as ours already and although I know that offers excitement without responsibility, which you crave a the moment, some things run deeper. We always had great chemistry and got on so well, and passion can be reignited and often in greater quantity many relationships go through this. Memories of things we achieved and moments shared can't be taken away and shouldn't be minimized or allowed to be clouded by more difficult times, Trekking, watching Lightning storms on the cliffs, bbqs on the boat; in all these times and many, many more we were happy and saw a future together and I'm sure if you're honest you will remember that feeling too. You said you didn't want to run away this time, you said you'd support me if I left my job, we were planning holidays and crop rotations! all signs you did want a future. I know the last few weeks were tough for us both and we were both dealing with things outside of us but, if we gave it time those extra stresses would have passed and we might have had the scope to have found 'us' again like we both agreed we wanted to. I know looking inside yourself and trusting the unknown can be difficult and even seems insurmountable when we don't have experience of what we're supposed to do/feel but it is only by facing these that you are able to move forward and grow, not reverting into flight mode, sometimes, ugg ugg , caveman has to fight. As for where we are now i realise that going back is not an option but like a metaphorical Phoenix, sometimes things have to die to be reborn as something more glorious and we have a foundation and bond that would be a great restarting point, we had so much that others don't. I have no doubt that at the moment you view me with a degree of pity and annoyance. But I would ask you not to remember the last few weeks but remember the person you met and fell in love with and the people we were, we can still be those people but better versions with all that fun, excitement and love to share in each other. We have been through a lot and we have always been able to make each other smile and laugh, that's love too. You once asked me why I love you, and I told you because of the person you are, you welcomed me into your life and your family and made me smile. You, as I, are certainly not perfect but the good can outweigh the bad. (I got really good with putting my snotty tissues in the bin!) You said "Christmas was only a day" and to a certain degree you are right but it is also a time to be thankful, forgive and hope for better. So at the risk of sounding like a Christmas movie, and losing more of my dignity, I simply ask that you remember the smiles and hysterical laughing, stupid stuff we've done, passion, the care, the compassion and quiet moments of contentment we have shared and not give up. Don't give up on yourself, on your capacity to love again and grow, or on us, don't let what you feel is your set reoccurring pattern and the chance of instant excitement and gratification, stop you from finding a different path. Despite everything I have faith and hope and belief because that's what else is their in life but a leap of faith into the unknown- however holding someone's hand who won't let go can give you push jump. We all make mistakes and decisions which we cannot change but we also have the power to put things right and lean- a famous poet once said "what we call experience are merely the mistakes we learned from". Maybe this is another one of my mistakes but It's Christmas and at Christmas you should share love and I share my love with you and hope you will share some of yourself in me.
KBarletta Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 It's good that you've written this to sort out some of your own thoughts, but I would put it in a drawer and not send it. He cheated on you, and it's only been a few weeks, no? First off, he should be the one contacting you since he's the one who cheated. Second, not nearly enough time has passed for either of you to sort out what's going on in your heads. My advice: Write more letters if you think it will help you with your own feelings, but don't send them. Put them aside until you are thinking more clearly, then look at them and you will likely be thankful you didn't send them. That's my advice. Plus, if he gets this letter now, at this early stage, it will only muddy the waters, mess with your head and probably not get you anywhere. 3
Zahara Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 Please don't send this. You're pratically begging this man to reconsider. Projecting your value of the relationship doesn't work because you can't make someone feel what you feel, desire what you desire, see what you see. He was cheating on you way before he slept with her 2 days before your ending. Hold on to your dignity and self-respect. You need to stop grasping at straws. Feel the pain and try to accept that he's moved on. Your previous thread noted many signs that it is completely over. 1. He had said he was unsure about things and that he just wasn't feeling it and isn't sure if he ever loved me. 2. He has been texting another girl and 2 days before he broke up with me he spent the night with her and I have now found out they are already seeing each other. 3. While I was away he moved out and has said he doesn't want contact. 4. He's since arranging dates with her and I just can,t accept it. He's completely cut me off and I sit in our house on my own. 3
Author Lostrabbit Posted December 22, 2014 Author Posted December 22, 2014 I am grateful for your responses and aware that the chances of this changing anything would help but I am still desperate, still hurting and unable to let go. He has became a different person in a matter of days. I just can't seem to let go even though I know I am torturing only myself. I know I am projecting somewhat but I can't align the person I know with what has happened, and I know people will say it doesn't matter that person has gone, but how does that person just go? Surely there is a remnant in there?
dumbass2 Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 We are pretty much going to tell you not to send it, but I can tell you that I sent one a few weeks after I was broken up with and I live to regret it today. What I regret the most was that it was sent too soon without myself being able to think with a clear head. The response was nice but broke my heart further. Again, it is the one thing I still regret today about my entire time with her. To me, it changed things permanently between us though what I said was very nice in it. There is no taking back things put in an email or letter. I don't regret what happened during the relationship (lessons learned), but afterwards that email was a killer for me. I suggest you hang on to it and reread it a few times over the next week or so and then make your decision. At least give it a little time.
Elle1975 Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 desperate, still hurting and unable to let go And this is why this is such a bad idea. It will not work, and on top of it, it will make you feel even worse. Get better, once you are back on your feet, and back in the dating world (or whatever rocks your boat), see if you still want to send this letter. I'd even do better, stash it in a drawer as advised above, and read that letter in a year. Guarantee you will think "I was going to send that?!". 2
Marco Valerio Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 ..... but I am still desperate, still hurting and unable to let go. He has became a different person in a matter of days. I just can't seem to let go even though I know I am torturing only myself. ... Sure you're torturing yourself, but if you think you need to do it...then go for it!! It will be like smashing yourself directly into a wall. In a way that will help you.
Zahara Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 I am grateful for your responses and aware that the chances of this changing anything would help but I am still desperate, still hurting and unable to let go. He has became a different person in a matter of days. I just can't seem to let go even though I know I am torturing only myself. I know I am projecting somewhat but I can't align the person I know with what has happened, and I know people will say it doesn't matter that person has gone, but how does that person just go? Surely there is a remnant in there? Desperate, hurting and unable to let go does not justify begging a man to reconsider his position with you. These feelings are all normal when you are grieving an ending and the only way to cope is to feel the pain. OP, feelings can change and in his case what he feels for you has changed. I'm sure there are remnants but it isn't of the same intensity as you feel. He has become indifferent and he has detached from you. He didn't just wake up one day and decide to end. It's been on his mind for awhile and he did it when he was ready to let go. It didn't happen overnight. He was cheating on you and the moment things were finalized with the other woman, he dumped you. He used you to transition to the next woman.
Ieris Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 That letter will only come across as begging to him and push him further away. So I agree with the other members that it is best to not post him the letter. I know it hurts and it's hard but you will overcome it and come out stronger *HuGs* x
EgoJoe Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 The best method of getting through to someone who has done this to you is to take every ounce of your power back and go silent without reacting. 1
BC1980 Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 I am grateful for your responses and aware that the chances of this changing anything would help but I am still desperate, still hurting and unable to let go. He has became a different person in a matter of days. I just can't seem to let go even though I know I am torturing only myself. I know I am projecting somewhat but I can't align the person I know with what has happened, and I know people will say it doesn't matter that person has gone, but how does that person just go? Surely there is a remnant in there? Didn't you say it has only been a few weeks since the breakup? No one expects you to have accepted it and let go at this time. Heck, it took me a few months to truly accept that he wasn't coming back. You are still in a great deal of shock and denial at this stage. Don't send the letter. I sent my ex a letter a few weeks after we broke up, and he gave me a one line reply. It hurt so much, and I wish I had never sent it.
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