Did I mess up?

[david_v]

I've been seeing this girl for a while. It's been going well, she has introduced me to her friends and such. Intimacy is good, she seems very attracted to me.

 

The problem is that she sometimes doesnt answer my texts. She does this to everyone, not just me but it's a pattern in her behavour and I don't like it.

 

So the now the third time she didnt answer I texted her again and she apologised and said she's been so busy that she forgot to answer. I said that if she's so busy that she forget a text then maybe we should slow down a bit to which she agreed. I then said that she can contact me when she has some free time to hang out or we'll just see what happens in the future.

 

So I haven't heard from her since and it's been almost two weeks. We usually saw eachother once a weak and texted 2-3 times a week.

 

Her texts in the last conversation were long and full of smileys while mine were short and to the point so I probably came across as quite angry with her and that probably translated to neediness. I just wanted to make a point that I don't like this behiour of hers.

 

Question is; Did I scare her away? How can I salvage this? I realise I my reaction was too strong.

[SomeDude16]

Mistake #1 was texting instead of calling

Mistake #2 was asking her to slow things down

Mistake #3 was telling her to contact you

 

You can't contact her, you will come off as needy. Best bet is to move on and hope for the best.

[doeblin]

So the now the third time she didnt answer I texted her again and she apologised and said she's been so busy that she forgot to answer. I said that if she's so busy that she forget a text then maybe we should slow down a bit to which she agreed. I then said that she can contact me when she has some free time to hang out or we'll just see what happens in the future.

You sound a bit clingy.

When you are attracted to a girl, do not become a text-buddy, ask her out as soon as you can.

 

The problem is that she sometimes doesnt answer my texts... and I don't like it.

You are needy, but you're kind of right too. If Ryan Gosling texted her, would she be this aloof? Exactly.

 

How can I salvage this?

Ask her out. She will either say yes (great!), or she will give you a vague flaky answer, and then you'll know that you should move on. (Asking someone out around xmas is a bit tricky though, so be reasonable.)

 

 

Edit: jab is right though, do not contact her for a while

[d0nnivain]

Some people just don't text. She's one of them. Since she doesn't respond to anybody it's not you. If you can't deal with somebody who doesn't text, she is not the one for you because you are not going to change her.

 

I sent my husband a text 4 hours ago. He still hasn't responded. I certainly don't think we need to consult divorce attorneys. He's probably just not paying attention to his phone. It's really no big deal.

[ktya]

The problem is that she sometimes doesnt answer my texts. She does this to everyone, not just me but it's a pattern in her behavour and I don't like it.

 

Shes never going to change. She must get a ton of texts (which isnt a good thing) to not have the friggin time to answer anybody. You dont need much time to sit down with your phone and answer a few texts back within 24 hours, your phone shows you a notification of how many unread texts you have, unless she's using a soup can.

 

Sounds pretty self centered to me. Wait for her text back and line up some other dates, I wouldnt waste any more time trying to chase her around. Balls in her court now.

[Noproblem]

Clingy, needy, angry

 

and you ended things because she wasn't replying fast enough

 

 

I think it's almost over

[david_v]

Mistake #1 was texting instead of calling

Mistake #2 was asking her to slow things down

Mistake #3 was telling her to contact you

 

You can't contact her, you will come off as needy. Best bet is to move on and hope for the best.

 

I just wondering why it was a mistake of asking her to slow down things and telling her to contact me ? The first one I totally understand.

 

I'm just thinking that she is refraining to contact because she thinks i'm angry with her. Should I send her a merry christmas text?

 

Difficult to know though so I guess the safe bet is to just let it go and if she contacts me then we'll see. I just don't understand how a single action can ruin it all, its silly really.

 

You sound a bit clingy.

When you are attracted to a girl, do not become a text-buddy, ask her out as soon as you can.

 

You are needy, but you're kind of right too. If Ryan Gosling texted her, would she be this aloof? Exactly.

 

Ask her out. She will either say yes (great!), or she will give you a vague flaky answer, and then you'll know that you should move on. (Asking someone out around xmas is a bit tricky though, so be reasonable.)

 

 

Edit: jab is right though, do not contact her for a while

 

I'm not her text buddy, ofcourse I ask her out, we've been seeing eachother regularly for quite some while. This is the longest we've not been in contact with each other since we started out dating.

 

Are you sure about be the one initating contact again after the last message I sent? I'm not so sure if that's the right move.

 

Clingy, needy, angry

 

and you ended things because she wasn't replying fast enough

 

 

I think it's almost over

 

Did I really end it? I certainly didn't mean that

Edited December 22, 2014 by david_v

[doeblin]

Are you sure about be the one initating contact again after the last message I sent? I'm not so sure if that's the right move.

 

 

 

Did I really end it? I certainly didn't mean that

 

Yeeaah... I may have misread the situation. I thought you've only been on one or two dates with her.

 

Anyway...

 

It was a mistake telling her to contact you. So now you have to wait and do nothing, lest you seem clingy. Again.

Don't wait more than a couple of weeks though.

If she doesn't get back to you, date other girls. (Unless you promised to be exclusive, in that case end it straightforwardly).

 

 

So radio silence for a while, and if she decides to rekindle the fire, try to be less needy.

 

(Aaand I don't wanna sound like a pop-psychologist, but there is usually some kind of anxiety and/or self-esteem issues behind the neediness... you might want to deal with that. Mindfulness and CBT techniques are proven to be effective.)

[SomeDude16]

I just wondering why it was a mistake of asking her to slow down things and telling her to contact me ? The first one I totally understand.

 

Ok I'll try and explain. We'll talk about both these in the form of a hypothetical.

 

So pretend you're in a happy relationship with a girl. You are looking forward to meeting this girl for drinks the next week. You like her so much, you were even pondering purchasing a small gift for her for christmas. You just return from purchasing said gift after a long few days of work when you see a text you missed because you were busy. You apologize for missing the texts. But she does not like this, so she tells you she is wanting to maybe slow things down. You begin to doubt yourself now. Maybe she does not feel the same way I feel about our relationship. Maybe she's not happy. Maybe she is dating someone else and doesn't want to get too committed. These doubts lead to you agreeing to slow things down to reassess the relationship.....

 

Then he tells me to contact him when I'm ready. You look at your work schedule and see your super busy for the next few weeks. In the back of your mind all these doubts about your relationship build up. You spend the next few weeks thinking and assessing where you stand and where you want to be. During this time you decide you don't want to continue the relationship because she is not on the same page as you. Well thats ok, she wants me to put in the work and reach out to her when I'm ready. Since our feelings are not mutual, and I'm not nor ever will be ready, I'm just going to move on. No reason to contact her because she does not want to invest into the relationship, and you're busy so you're not going to waste my time helping her catch up....

 

 

See how all those things built up on top one another and doubt set in? See how you gave her an excuse and easy out by asking her to contact you?

[david_v]

Ok I'll try and explain. We'll talk about both these in the form of a hypothetical.

 

So pretend you're in a happy relationship with a girl. You are looking forward to meeting this girl for drinks the next week. You like her so much, you were even pondering purchasing a small gift for her for christmas. You just return from purchasing said gift after a long few days of work when you see a text you missed because you were busy. You apologize for missing the texts. But she does not like this, so she tells you she is wanting to maybe slow things down. You begin to doubt yourself now. Maybe she does not feel the same way I feel about our relationship. Maybe she's not happy. Maybe she is dating someone else and doesn't want to get too committed. These doubts lead to you agreeing to slow things down to reassess the relationship.....

 

Then he tells me to contact him when I'm ready. You look at your work schedule and see your super busy for the next few weeks. In the back of your mind all these doubts about your relationship build up. You spend the next few weeks thinking and assessing where you stand and where you want to be. During this time you decide you don't want to continue the relationship because she is not on the same page as you. Well thats ok, she wants me to put in the work and reach out to her when I'm ready. Since our feelings are not mutual, and I'm not nor ever will be ready, I'm just going to move on. No reason to contact her because she does not want to invest into the relationship, and you're busy so you're not going to waste my time helping her catch up....

 

 

See how all those things built up on top one another and doubt set in? See how you gave her an excuse and easy out by asking her to contact you?

 

wow, that was a great explanation. thanks mate.

 

so what do I do then? I certainly didn't mean to put doubts in her.

[Trimmer]

So the now the third time she didnt answer I texted her again and she apologised and said she's been so busy that she forgot to answer. I said that if she's so busy that she forget a text then maybe we should slow down a bit to which she agreed.

For boyfriend/girlfriend, saying "maybe we should slow down" is like a married couple throwing the "D-word" out in an argument. I don't care if you said "maybe" and I don't care if you called it "slowing down." This is saying that you question the relationship, and you want to back off.

 

And the interesting thing: from your description, it seems like she didn't disagree or argue, or come back with an attempt to remedy the situation. She simply agreed to it. I wonder if she already had some ambivalence about the relationship, and so it was fine with her to cool things off. It is said that the person with the most power in a relationship is the one who cares the least about the outcome.

 

I then said that she can contact me when she has some free time to hang out or we'll just see what happens in the future.

 

So I haven't heard from her since and it's been almost two weeks. We usually saw each other once a weak and texted 2-3 times a week.

Sure, because you said you wanted to back off. She's giving you what you wanted. (...or at least: what you asked for. ...or at the very least: what she perceived you asked for.)

 

Her texts in the last conversation were long and full of smileys while mine were short and to the point so I probably came across as quite angry with her and that probably translated to neediness. I just wanted to make a point that I don't like this behiour of hers.

 

Question is; Did I scare her away? How can I salvage this? I realise I my reaction was too strong.

You threw down a line in the sand: I don't like your behavior, I'm going to punish you by backing off, and you need to pay me back by making the effort to come back to me (maybe grovelling?) when you are ready to play my way.

 

You basically set a boundary: this is what is acceptable to me; I'm going to back off, and you must comply and tacitly apologize (requiring her to make first contact) to get me back.

 

Now, whether or not it was a good idea to declare that boundary, over that issue, is debatable. But the gauntlet has been thrown down, and for her to come back to you would involve some amount of loss of "face", meaning that it will be an admission that she accepts that she was wrong.

 

One barrier to this: if she doesn't actually feel like she was wrong, then it's going to be difficult for her to come back and make contact. And the fact that she didn't argue when you said you should "slow down", that she didn't apologize or promise to change, makes me think she doesn't really think she was particularly wrong. It may be difficult for her to make contact, because she would have to essentially admit she was wrong when she doesn't really feel that way. You may have created a standoff with no clear escape.

 

You could always make contact with her, and somehow loosen your stance on this boundary - i.e. offer some kind of an olive branch - but after firmly declaring this boundary, and then backing off, you lose face (or power within the relationship or whatever) and you may not be able to accept that.

Edited December 23, 2014 by Trimmer

[david_v]

For boyfriend/girlfriend, saying "maybe we should slow down" is like a married couple throwing the "D-word" out in an argument. I don't care if you said "maybe" and I don't care if you called it "slowing down." This is saying that you question the relationship, and you want to back off.

 

And the interesting thing: from your description, it seems like she didn't disagree or argue, or come back with an attempt to remedy the situation. She simply agreed to it. I wonder if she already had some ambivalence about the relationship, and so it was fine with her to cool things off. It is said that the person with the most power in a relationship is the one who cares the least about the outcome.

 

 

Sure, because you said you wanted to back off. She's giving you what you wanted. (...or at least: what you asked for. ...or at the very least: what she perceived you asked for.)

 

Excellent post, really appreciated! I'm sorry I didn't write out the whole conversation, English isn't my native language so translating is a bit of a hassle, but she did apologize profoundly for missing the text, she said she had a thousand things going on right now (this is true, i know her well enough to know her schedule and all the engagements she's sign up for) and on the slowing down agreement she said that she wished there were more hours in a day.

 

You threw down a line in the sand: I don't like your behavior, I'm going to punish you by backing off, and you need to pay me back by making the effort to come back to me (maybe grovelling?) when you are ready to play my way.

 

This was the idea, i just couldnt word it in my OP as you did. Ofcourse I don't want her grovelling though.

 

You basically set a boundary: this is what is acceptable to me; I'm going to back off, and you must comply and tacitly apologize (requiring her to make first contact) to get me back.

 

Now, whether or not it was a good idea to declare that boundary, over that issue, is debatable. But the gauntlet has been thrown down, and for her to come back to you would involve some amount of loss of "face", meaning that it will be an admission that she accepts that she was wrong.

 

One barrier to this: if she doesn't actually feel like she was wrong, then it's going to be difficult for her to come back and make contact. And the fact that she didn't argue when you said you should "slow down", that she didn't apologize or promise to change, makes me think she doesn't really think she was particularly wrong. It may be difficult for her to make contact, because she would have to essentially admit she was wrong when she doesn't really feel that way. You may have created a standoff with no clear escape.

 

You could always make contact with her, and somehow loosen your stance on this boundary - i.e. offer some kind of an olive branch - but after firmly declaring this boundary, and then backing off, you lose face (or power within the relationship or whatever) and you may not be able to accept that.

 

I actually have no idea if she percieves her being wrong or not. Maybe other guys she's dated just hit her phone up until she answered and that would be the norm for her. I really dont know.

 

If I offer an olive branch, let say a merry christmas text or a happy new years text or something like that. Do I not tell her behaviour is ok because i'm coming back anyway? However if she percieves this to be a non-issue and that i'm currently just being an ass-clown then an olive branch would be a good thing?

[SomeDude16]

If I offer an olive branch, let say a merry christmas text or a happy new years text or something like that. Do I not tell her behaviour is ok because i'm coming back anyway? However if she percieves this to be a non-issue and that i'm currently just being an ass-clown then an olive branch would be a good thing?

 

I don't really see anything wrong with a merry christmas text if that is all it is. Don't mention an apology, don't mention the relationship in any sort of way. Literally just say, "wanted to wish you a merry christmas". If she returns the message, just ask her how she's been, etc. Small talk only. You are basically starting from the beginning, because remember you said you wanted to "slow things down"

[Redhead14]

I've been seeing this girl for a while. It's been going well, she has introduced me to her friends and such. Intimacy is good, she seems very attracted to me.

 

The problem is that she sometimes doesnt answer my texts. She does this to everyone, not just me but it's a pattern in her behavour and I don't like it.

 

So the now the third time she didnt answer I texted her again and she apologised and said she's been so busy that she forgot to answer. I said that if she's so busy that she forget a text then maybe we should slow down a bit to which she agreed. I then said that she can contact me when she has some free time to hang out or we'll just see what happens in the future.

 

So I haven't heard from her since and it's been almost two weeks. We usually saw eachother once a weak and texted 2-3 times a week.

 

Her texts in the last conversation were long and full of smileys while mine were short and to the point so I probably came across as quite angry with her and that probably translated to neediness. I just wanted to make a point that I don't like this behiour of hers.

 

Question is; Did I scare her away? How can I salvage this? I realise I my reaction was too strong.

 

I said that if she's so busy that she forget a text then maybe we should slow down a bit to which she agreed. I then said that she can contact me when she has some free time to hang out or we'll just see what happens in the future.

 

This is passive-aggressive behavior. It is unattractive. If she hasn't answered a text, you wait until the evening and you call her and you don't mention the text. If there was a question to be answered in the text, you simply ask the question again. You should never say, hey, why didn't you answer me? You can say something like, I like it when you can get back to me quickly and when she does, you thank her for it. Over time she will hopefully, see that it's something important to you and try to do better on her own.